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Author Topic: Laughter - Good Medicine  (Read 474906 times)
Shammu
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« Reply #1110 on: February 07, 2006, 02:47:16 PM »

How To Deal with Telemarketers Grin

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, are they married?, kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. Cry out in surprise,"Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

5. Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

6. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"

7. After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

8. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.

9. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh No!!!" and then hang up.

10. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her HOME phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their HOME numbers you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me, either!" Hang up.

11. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

12. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

13. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a pizza.

14. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

15. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your mom?"

16. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder...louder...

17. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Garage Sales

Ask where is your changing room
Any thing marked "free" ask how much is it
Ask how much for the Garage
Drive past the garage sale turnaround slow down look
Turn around again drive even slower look do it again
Then drive away
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Two guys in a car drive right through the red light. "Man, you just ran that red light!" exclaimed the passenger. "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time," said the driver. They continue driving through town and then proceed to drive through another stop light.

"You just ran another stop light! You're going to get us killed!" screamed the nervous passenger. "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time," repeated the driver. Moments later, they approached a green light and they came to a halting stop.

"Why are you stopping?" asked the anxious passenger. The driver turned and said, "Because my brother might be coming!"
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was my first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines operated. "Excuse me." I said to a casino employee. "How does this work?" The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle.

"And where does the money come out?" I asked.

He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying, "Usually at the ATM."
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Speeding

One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five little old Indian ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! I always go exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly! Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old Indian woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask . . . Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern.

"Oh, they'll be all right, officer. We just got off Route 119."
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Soldier4Christ
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« Reply #1111 on: February 07, 2006, 03:13:47 PM »

Quote
How To Deal with Telemarketers


I like those. I think that I will put several of them together and then end it with the one that you have in bold.

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nChrist
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« Reply #1112 on: February 08, 2006, 01:31:02 AM »

 Grin   Grin   Grin   Thanks - I needed those laughs. I'll try to find something other than groaners to repay your kindness.  BUT, I like groaners.  Grin
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Shammu
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« Reply #1113 on: February 08, 2006, 11:13:08 AM »

BUT, I like groaners.  Grin
We know..................... Tongue
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nChrist
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« Reply #1114 on: February 08, 2006, 11:58:03 AM »


 Grin  OK, you asked for it, and it will be funny.
___________________________________

Idiots In The Neighborhood:

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the "Deer Crossing" sign on our road. The reason:  too many deer were being hit by cars, and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.   Grin
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« Reply #1115 on: February 08, 2006, 12:23:40 PM »


 Grin  OK, you asked for it, and it will be funny.
___________________________________

Idiots In The Neighborhood:

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the "Deer Crossing" sign on our road. The reason:  too many deer were being hit by cars, and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.   Grin
GROAN!!

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Soldier4Christ
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« Reply #1116 on: February 08, 2006, 12:57:09 PM »


 Grin  OK, you asked for it, and it will be funny.
___________________________________

Idiots In The Neighborhood:

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the "Deer Crossing" sign on our road. The reason:  too many deer were being hit by cars, and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.   Grin

That one had my wife in tears. I'm not sure if it was because it was that funny or if it was because it sounds like so many of our neighbors??

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Shammu
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« Reply #1117 on: February 08, 2006, 01:27:22 PM »

I'm not sure if it was because it was that funny or if it was because it sounds like so many of our neighbors??


Now, thats funny.....................
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« Reply #1118 on: February 12, 2006, 10:26:52 AM »

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one..
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work..
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law...

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« Reply #1119 on: February 12, 2006, 04:28:48 PM »

Well brother Tom, since you like groaners........................................ Grin

Q. Whats brown and sticky?
A. A stick

Q. What is invisible and smells like carrots?
A. Bunny farts

Q. What do you call a monkey with bananas in its ears?
A. Anything you like, it cant hear you

Q. What clothes do Solisitors wear?
A. Lawsuits

Q. What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A. A Roamin' Catholic. 

Q. What is black and blue and red all over
A. Red monster with black and blue dots
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

You Know Your Drinking Too Much Coffee when.......................

10. The only time your standing still is in an earthquake

9. You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House"

8. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze

7. You could outlast the Energizer Bunny

6. Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet 'n' Low"

5. When someone says "How are you?" You answer: "Good to the last drop."

4. You get drunk just so you can sober up

3. You don't tan, you roast

2. You think being called a drip is a compliment

1. You introduce your spouse as your Coffeemate

A few honorable mention....................

1.You answer the door before the people knock

2. You ski up hill

3. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse

4. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth

5. You have to watch videos in fast forward

6. Instant coffee takes too long

7. YOu help your dog chase his tail

8. You'd be willing to spend time in a turkish prison

9. You sleep with your eyes open

10. You get speeding tickets even when you are parked  Grin
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« Reply #1120 on: February 12, 2006, 11:42:47 PM »

For the older hot rodders in the forum. Cheesy Shocked

Something to think about! Wink

Most people assume WWJD stands for "What would Jesus do?"
But could the initials really stand for "What would Jesus drive?"

One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says,
"God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury."
Plymouth Fury

But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to,
"pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm." - Psalm 83:15
Pontiiac Tempest and the Geo Storm

Perhaps, God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain
"until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast." - Exodus 19:13
Dodge Ram

Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda, but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's Gospel where Christ tells the crowd,
"For I did not speak of my own Accord..." - John 12:49
Honda Accord

Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that
"the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills."
Triumph motorcycle

Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler:
"Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land."
Triumph Sportster

And, following the Master's lead, the Apostles car-pooled in a Honda
"The Apostles were in one Accord." !!!! - Acts 5:12
Honda Accord

Maybe He drove a Jeep:
"But take care that this Liberty of yours does not somehow become a stumbling block to the weak." 1 Cor 8:9
Jeep Liberty

Then again, "the head of John the Baptist was brought to King Herod in a CHARGER." - Mark 6:25
Dodge Charger

Another "Dodge" driver is spoken of in Holy Scripture:
For John came neither eating nor drinking, and they say, He hath a demon. - Mat 11:18
Dodge Demon

and my own research has uncovered that in the Old Covenant, the Israelites were ORDERED to feast with their automobiles.
And thou shalt keep the feast of weeks unto the LORD thy God with a tribute - Deut 16:10
Mazda Tribute
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« Reply #1121 on: February 13, 2006, 12:04:11 AM »

They played baseball in the bible too . . .  yessir, in Genesis it says: "In the BIG INNING"

~~~~big GROAN~~~~

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« Reply #1122 on: February 13, 2006, 04:22:26 AM »

 Grin   Grin   Grin

WARNING:  I have more groaners and they are on the way.

(Small Print: But I have to find them first.)
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« Reply #1123 on: February 13, 2006, 01:15:40 PM »


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law...



 Grin  Grin  Grin  Grin  Grin
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« Reply #1124 on: February 13, 2006, 01:36:24 PM »

GROAN           GROAN         GROAN           GROAN
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PS 91:2 I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in Him will I trust
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