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Entertainment => Laughter (Good Medicine) => Topic started by: nChrist on September 21, 2003, 03:11:05 PM



Title: Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on September 21, 2003, 03:11:05 PM
My friend is so stupid:

He sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

He thought a quarterback was a refund.

He tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

He thought General Motors was in the army.

He thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.

He tripped over a cordless phone.

He thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.


Title: Re:BULL
Post by: nChrist on September 21, 2003, 03:12:57 PM
Playing Doctor:

Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl was softly sobbing.
"Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.

"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said the girl.

When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.

"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.

The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."


Title: Re:BULL
Post by: nChrist on September 21, 2003, 03:14:42 PM
Biting:

A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling, so the barmaid reluctantly went to the bathroom to check on him.

"Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers."

"Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my rear end!"

"Sir, please get off the mop bucket."


Title: Re:BULL
Post by: nChrist on September 21, 2003, 03:16:07 PM
The Clever Lawyer

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.


Title: Re:BULL
Post by: nChrist on September 21, 2003, 03:17:57 PM
Dating Rules:

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I
propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will
make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a
goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless master of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my
daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.


Title: Re:BULL
Post by: nChrist on September 21, 2003, 03:19:52 PM
Sick Hick:

A redneck felt sick and decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him.

"I can't seem to find the problem, but I think it has something to do with alcohol."

"Well," said the redneck, "then I'll come back when you're sober.'


Title: Re:BULL
Post by: nChrist on September 21, 2003, 03:21:37 PM
Fall-Down Drunk:

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"No problem," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."


Title: Re:BULL
Post by: nChrist on September 21, 2003, 03:23:42 PM
The Brass Rat:

A man walked into a curio store and was shopping around. After awhile, he chose a brass rat and brought it up to the counter.

"That will be $10 for the brass rat and $1,000 for the story behind it," said the proprietor.

"Thanks, but I'll just pay the $10 and pass on the story." He purchased the brass rat and left the store. As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him. The further he walked, the more rats followed. He walked down to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him. So, he decided to walk out into the water, all the rats drowned. He returned to the store shortly.

"Ah-ha!" said the proprietor. "You've come back for the story, right?"

"Nope," said the man. "You have any brass lawyers?"


Title: Re:BULL
Post by: nChrist on September 21, 2003, 03:25:23 PM
Questions and Answers:

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?

A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.



Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.



Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.

A. So what's your question, dork?



Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?

A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.



Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.


Title: Re:BULL
Post by: nChrist on September 21, 2003, 03:26:47 PM
World's Greatest Salesman:

A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.

"Sorry, we don't need anyone..." they replied. "You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anything anytime!"

"Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, then you have a job."

He was gone about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,
000.

"How in the world did you do that?" they asked. "I told you I'm the worlds best salesman, I can sell anyone anything, anytime!"

"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him. "What's that?" he asked. "Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000 the company requires a urine sample. Now take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."

He was gone about 8 hours and the office was about to close, when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Jone's and this one is Mrs. Johnson's."

"That's good," they said, "but what's in those two buckets?"

"Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention - so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"


Title: Re:BULL
Post by: nChrist on September 21, 2003, 03:28:26 PM
Bad News:

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.

Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?"

"Nine..." "Eight..." "Seven..."


Title: Re:BULL
Post by: nChrist on September 21, 2003, 03:29:49 PM
Ducks and Elephants:

Why do ducks have webbed feet?

To put out fires.



Why do elephants have flat feet?

To put out burning ducks.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on September 27, 2003, 11:07:17 PM
Two blondes are walking down a road:
 
Two blondes are walking down a road, one has a large sports bag.
 
1st blonde: "What have you got in that bag?"

2nd blonde: "Chickens."

1st blonde: "If I can guess how many chickens you've got in that bag, can I have one of them?"

2nd blonde: "If you can guess how many chickens I've got in this bag, you can have BOTH of them!!"

1st blonde: Well, I think you've got three."

 


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on September 27, 2003, 11:19:04 PM
Sure fire signs that your cow has mad-cow disease:
 
Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear
as cologne. She refuses to let you milk her, saying "Not on the
first date." Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body. Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Arch's Logo'. Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred. Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows. Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger King. Your cow spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position chanting "MOO" backwards. Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate milk if you started feeding it Hershey bars. Your cow becomes a Muslim and asks to be called "LaCream Abdul Milkbar". Your cow insists Milk Duds are the result of stupid cows. Your cow starts laughing hysterically until milk spurts out its nose. Your cow keeps wanting to chew other cows cuds.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on September 28, 2003, 02:28:13 PM
Oklahoma Howdy to All,

Did everyone stop telling jokes? Maybe I should further define that since mine are groaners, but they are close to jokes.   :D

I first put these in "Bull" where most of the jokes have been put in the past. Nobody has posted a joke there since 9-21. Surely someone has better jokes than the ones I've posted.

In Christ,
Tom


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Tibby on September 28, 2003, 06:59:01 PM
I vampire bat comes flying into his cave late one night, dripping in blood. His friends mouths water as they see this “Please, tell us where all this blood came from!”

“No, no, it isn’t important” the bat replied

“Was it a cow?” His friends ask.

“No.” Replies the bat.

“Was is a horse?” His friends ask.

“No.” Replies the bat.

“Well, what is it?” After a while, the bat gets tired of his friends badgering him, so he agrees to take them to where to found the blood. They fly out for miles and miles, then they finally stop, hovering across from a clump of trees.

“See those tree?” The bat says.

“yes, yes” his friend replied enthusiastically.

“Well” the bat says “I didn’t”

 ;D ;D ;D ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on September 28, 2003, 09:03:19 PM
 ;D  ;D  ;D

Already much better than mine. I'll keep working on it though.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on September 29, 2003, 03:09:20 AM
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Tibby on September 29, 2003, 08:47:25 AM
Ever heard the one about the retired cop who told cheesy jokes?

;) ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on September 29, 2003, 10:14:39 AM
Ever heard the one about the retired cop who told cheesy jokes?

;) ;D

Oklahoma Howdy to Tibby,

 ;D  I think that I heard that one. I think becoming a comedian is out of the question, so I'm training for the Olympics. I'm going to be a javelin catcher.   ;D

In Christ,
Tom


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Tibby on September 29, 2003, 05:56:05 PM
haha. Personally, I think an NBA bench warmer would be the best sports job, but ok... ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on September 30, 2003, 01:57:35 PM
Church Signs:

Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world!

It is unlikely there will ever be a reduction in the wages of sin.

Forbidden fruit creates many jams.

Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.

Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here.

Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons - come hear one.

People are like tea bags - you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are.

Where will you be sitting in eternity - smoking or non-smoking?


Title: Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Ambassador4Christ on September 30, 2003, 05:46:27 PM
My friend is so stupid:

He sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

He thought a quarterback was a refund.

He tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

He thought General Motors was in the army.

He thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.

He tripped over a cordless phone.

He thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

LOL Good One Bro ;D ;D ;D
==============================
I like this one ;D

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed.
A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ"?

The man replied, "130".

So the robot proceeded to make conversation about
physics, astronomy, investments, insurance, and so on.

The man listened intently and thought, "This is
really cool".

Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked
him, "What's your IQ?"

The man responded, "100."

So the robot started talking about the football,
baseball and so on.

The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really, really
cool".

A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others,
the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replied, "70".

The robot then said, "So, what's the
Democratic Party up to these days?"



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on September 30, 2003, 06:31:41 PM
 ;D  ;D

Oklahoma Howdy to Ambassador4Christ,

Brother, we missed you!

Are you back?

WOW! - I love your new graphic!

In Christ,
Tom


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Forrest on October 01, 2003, 06:49:08 PM
You know you're living in 2003 when...
>
>1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
>
>2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years - or ever.
>
>3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
>
>4. You e-mail your coworker who sits at the desk next to you.
>
>5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do
>not have e-mail addresses or a cell phone.
>
>6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone
>in a business manner.
>
>7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to
>get an outside line.
>
>8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
>different companies.
>
>10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11o'clock news.
>
>11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job
>
>12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get
>long-service awards.
>
>AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE...
>
>13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
>
>14. As you read this list, you thought about forwarding it to our
>"friends"
>
>15. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you any more,
>except to send you jokes from the net.
>
>16. You are too busy to notice there was no No 9
>
>17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No.9
>
>18. You don't kmow anyone's phone number because it is programed into
>your cell phone




Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on October 04, 2003, 11:56:42 PM
 ;D   ;D

Southern University Psychology:
 
At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "what is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," she said.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up' ".
 
 ;D

OK, now I fully expect to be paid back from a Texan.

 ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Forrest on October 06, 2003, 12:19:44 AM
 LAST REQUEST


Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and
she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last
night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any
last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...







Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Brother Love on October 06, 2003, 05:02:55 AM
LAST REQUEST :)

LOL Forest

Brother Love :)


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on October 06, 2003, 05:31:46 PM
 ;D   ;D

Hole In One:

Father Norton wakes up to a beautiful, sunny Sunday morning and decides he just has to play golf.

He pretends he's sick and convinces the associate pastor to say mass for him that day, then heads out of town to a golf course about 50 miles away so he won't run into anyone from his parish.

On the first tee he sees he has the entire course to himself: Everyone else is in church!

Watching from heaven, Saint Peter turns to the Lord and asks, "are you going to let him get away with this?"

Just then Father Norton hits the ball. It heads straight for the pin, drops just short of it, rolls up, and falls into the hole - a 420 yard hole in one!

Astonished, Saint Peter looks at the Lord and asks, "Why in Heaven did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiles and replies, "Who's he going to tell?"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on October 07, 2003, 12:02:03 AM
 ;D   ;D  

Another Groaner from me.

Mexican Smuggler:
 
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Brother Love on October 08, 2003, 05:57:31 AM
Mexican Smuggler

LOL

Brother Love :)


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Forrest on October 08, 2003, 10:42:17 AM
This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm.  The night passed slowly and the cars went by.  The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.  Then suddenly he saw a car slowly looming, ghostlike, out of the gloom.  It slowly crept toward him and stopped.  Reflexively, the guy got into the car and closed the door, then realized that there was nobody behind the wheel.   When the car slowly started moving again, the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running.  He started to pray, begging for his life.  
He was sure the ghost car would go off the road and he would plunge to his death when, just before the curve, a hand appeared thru the window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.  Paralyzed with terror, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve.  
Finally the guy gathered his wits and leaped from the car and ran to the nearest town.  
Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and, voice quavering, ordered two shots of whisky, and told everybody about his horrible, supernatural experience.  A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was apparently sane and not drunk.  



About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same bar.  One says to the other," Look, Ole, that's da guy vat rode in our car ven we vas pushing it in the rain."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on October 08, 2003, 02:47:10 PM
 ;D   ;D  Forrest - Now - For My Groaner:

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,
"I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say,
"I'm Jane Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but Mother says I'm not."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on October 08, 2003, 02:50:47 PM
Another Groaner - I Had To Do It.

The Doctor's daughter:

An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then 4-year-old daughter.

On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

"Be still, my heart," thought my friend, "my daughter wants to
follow in my footsteps!"

Then the child spoke into the instrument:

"Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Brother Love on October 09, 2003, 04:54:31 AM
Another Groaner - I Had To Do It.

The Doctor's daughter:

An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then 4-year-old daughter.

On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

"Be still, my heart," thought my friend, "my daughter wants to
follow in my footsteps!"

Then the child spoke into the instrument:

"Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"


LOL :) :) :)

Brother Love :)


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on October 09, 2003, 10:40:36 PM
Children and Humor - True?

NUDITY:

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on October 09, 2003, 10:44:07 PM
Children and Humor - True?

HONESTY:

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush into the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on October 09, 2003, 10:56:18 PM
Children and Humor - True?

ELDERLY:

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on October 09, 2003, 11:01:01 PM
Children and Humor - True?

DEATH:

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:

"Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn ..... and into the hole he gooooes."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on October 09, 2003, 11:05:21 PM
Children and Humor - True?

SCHOOL:

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE:

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on October 13, 2003, 02:11:34 AM
Time for a groaner:

THE DANGER OF SWITCHING JOBS:

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

 For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all.

Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."








Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on October 13, 2003, 02:18:35 AM
The Waiter:

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his
thumb over the meat.
 
"Are you crazy" yelled the customer, "sticking your thumb in my steak?!"
 
"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor
again?"


Title: Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Brother Love on October 13, 2003, 04:00:20 AM
How true (The Waiter) LOL

Brother Love :)


Title: Virus
Post by: Brother Love on October 13, 2003, 04:51:56 AM
Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."

It is called the "C-Nile Virus

Brother Love :)


Title: Abbott and Costello's "Who's On First"...
Post by: Brother Love on October 14, 2003, 04:36:27 AM
Abbott and Costello's "Who's On First" Meets the 21st Century - for the computer literate !



Abbott and Costello's "Who's On First" Meets the 21st Century – for the computer literate !

ABBOTT: Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm
thinking of buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name is Bud.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Bud.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software that runs on Windows?
COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.
ABBOTT: Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say
I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words.
But what program do I load?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in "office" is "office."
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows"?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big blue W if you don't give me
straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need
if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?
ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of
your business. But what do I need to watch it?
ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two,
three, and four. Can I watch reel four?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a
movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue 1.
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue 1.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?
ABBOTT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left.
It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.
COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?
ABBOTT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even
part of Office.
COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But
I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do
you have to help me track my money?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Exactly. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge?
How much money do I get?
ABBOTT: Just one copy.
COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?
ABBOTT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.
COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?
ABBOTT: Why not? They own it.
COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll
still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?
ABBOTT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.
COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: You sell money?
ABBOTT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for
free.
COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do
you have any software for, you know, accounting?
ABBOTT: Simply Accounting.
COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.
ABBOTT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?
ABBOTT: Mind Your Own Business.
COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?
ABBOTT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my gotcha188.
You know -- accounting? You do it with money.
ABBOTT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need
more.
COSTELLO: More money?
ABBOTT: More than Money. Money can't do everything.
COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for
the moment. I'm worried that my computer might...what's the word? Crash.
And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?
ABBOTT: GoBack.
COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer crashing and I need
something to restore my data. What do you recommend?
ABBOTT: GoBack.
COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?
ABBOTT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.
COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll
go back. What do I need to write a proposal?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.
ABBOTT: No, you only need one Word -- the Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in . . . Oh, never mind. *click*
ABBOTT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well.  :)


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on October 14, 2003, 08:16:08 AM
Oklahoma Howdy to Brother Love,

 ;D   ;D   ;D

Abbott and Costello's "Who's On First" Meets the 21st Century - for the computer literate !

 ;D   ;D   ;D  - ROFL - It was great! Thanks!


Title: Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Ambassador4Christ on October 14, 2003, 02:55:43 PM
THIS SHOULD BE SENT TO ALL BUSINESSES

     If you have ever had to deal with a major corporation's customer service then you will really appreciate this.

     My Aunt died this past January.  CitiBank billed her for February and  March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added      late fees and interest on the monthly charge...(the balance had been $0.00... now was somewhere around $60.00).
     I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:

     Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

     CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

     Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."

     CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

     Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

     CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report      her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"

     Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

     CitiBank:"...excuse me .....?"

     Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being dead?"

     CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!" (Supervisor gets on the phone)

     Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

     CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

     Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

     CitiBank: ".....(stammer)" .... "Are you her lawyer?"

     Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given... )

     CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

     Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given ) ( After they get the fax. )

     CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death..."

     Me: "Oh..."

     CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."

     Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep      billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care...."

     CitiBank: '"Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."

     Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"

     CitiBank: "That might help."

     Me: " ( Odessa Memorial Cemetery #### Hwy 129 and plot number given. )

     CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

     Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?!!"

 ;D ;D ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on October 14, 2003, 10:32:28 PM
UM??:

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends
with him.
 
While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating
the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off.
 
As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks
for the peanuts."
 
She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the
chocolate off 'em."

 ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on October 17, 2003, 03:38:48 PM
Ways to Know you are in the wrong Church...

-The staff consists of Senior Pastor, Associate Pastor, and Socio-Pastor.

- They have ATM machines in the lobby.

- No cover charge, but communion is a two drink minimum.

- Services are B.Y.O.S. (Bring Your Own Snakes)

- They have karaoke worship time.

- The guy that takes the minutes in business meeting votes against everything because he can't spell unanimous.

- The only song the church organist knows is Inna-Gadda-Da-Vida.

- The church bus has gun racks.

- The Bible they use is the "Dr. Seuss" version.

- The choir wears leather robes.

- When you go in ushers ask you, "Do you want smoking or non-smoking?"


Title: Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Ambassador4Christ on October 17, 2003, 04:44:16 PM
Good one Brother BEP ;D

Back in my BC days Inna-Gadda-Da-Vida by Iron Butterfly, was one of my favorite songs ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on October 17, 2003, 05:04:53 PM
Good one Brother BEP ;D

Back in my BC days Inna-Gadda-Da-Vida by Iron Butterfly, was one of my favorite songs ;D

Oklahoma Howdy to Ambassador4Christ,

Brother, would you happen to belong to that over 50 crowd?   ;D I remember a bunch of those old songs. I liked the Beach Boys, The Beatles, and The Carpenters. I also liked some of the big bands (i.e. Benny Goodman). However, all of that stuff was too wild for dad. Lawrence Welk was as wild as it got.   ;D

In Christ,
Tom


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on October 17, 2003, 05:15:25 PM
Sure fire signs that your cow has mad-cow disease:

Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.

Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body.

Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Archs Logo'.

Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.

Your cow starts smoking its grass rather than eating it.

Your cow spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position chanting "MOO" backwards.

Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate milk if you started feeding it Hershey bars.

Your cow insists Milk Duds are the result of stupid cows.

Your cow starts laughing hysterically until milk spurts out its nose.

Your cow keeps wanting to chew other cows cuds.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on October 17, 2003, 05:18:06 PM
Children:

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel microphone, & as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord & nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles & jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother & whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

Six-year old Angie & her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang & talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church & said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, & led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died & went to Heaven," the dad replied. The boy thought a moment & then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he was ill, & asked, "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife!"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on October 17, 2003, 05:21:55 PM
Having a bad day - True?

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them.

They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on October 19, 2003, 07:06:15 PM
Osama:

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams - "this is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you...

What did you think I said?


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on October 19, 2003, 07:08:13 PM
Occupation:

An old man is sitting at a table with his son and his new grandson.

The old man looks at his son and asks...
"Son, have you found out what that boy of yers is gonna be yet when he grows up?"

The man curls his eyebrows and asks "huh?"
The old man gets up and says "wait right here."

About five minutes pass and the old man comes back with a bottle of beer, some poker playing cards, and a Bible.

The old man lines up the three items in front of the infant and looks at the man and says:

" OK, here's how it works...
If the boy grabs the beer he's gonna be a drunk.
If he grabs the cards he's gonna be a gambler.
If he grabs the Bible he's gonna be a preacher."

The baby stares at the items for a moment.
He then reaches out and grabs all three items.

The old man shouts...
"OH MY! - HE'S A DEMOCRAT!"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on October 19, 2003, 07:10:08 PM
Money:

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:

Dear GOD,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those idiots deducted $95.00!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on October 19, 2003, 07:11:51 PM
Wizard of OZ:

The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado in Kansas, and off they spin to the Land of OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly:
"I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage."

"No problem" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well.., Well.., Well.., I need a brain."
"Done" says the Wizard.

"Who comes next before the Great Wizard?"
Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I
need a heart."

"I've heard it's true" says the Wizard. "Consider it done."

Then there is a great silence.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY!?"

And Willie replies - "Is Dorothy around?"


Title: Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Brother Love on October 20, 2003, 05:10:12 AM
A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a
$20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?" Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this.

He proceeded to crumple the $20 dollar bill up. He then asked," Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air. "Well," he replied, "what if I do this?" He dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty.

"Now, who still wants it?" Still the hands went into the air.

My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled,and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value.
 
Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE.

You are special - Don't EVER forget it. Count your blessings, not your problems. Never be afraid to try something new.

And remember: amateurs built the ark...professionals built the
Titanic.

Brother Love :)


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on October 20, 2003, 06:18:24 AM

You are special - Don't EVER forget it. Count your blessings, not your problems. Never be afraid to try something new.

And remember: amateurs built the ark...professionals built the
Titanic.

Brother Love :)

AMEN! Brother. If we counted our blessings, we wouldn't have time to think about our problems.

In Christ,
Tom


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Willowbirch on October 20, 2003, 03:54:07 PM
A little boy just couldn't learn.  One day his teacher asked him who signed the Declaration of Independence.  He didn't know.  For almost a week she asked him the same question every day, but still he couldn't come up with the right answer.

Finally, in desperation, she called the boy's father to her office.  "Your boy won't tell me who signed the Declaration of Independence," she complained.

"Come here, son, and sit down," the dad said to the boy.  "Now if you signed that crazy thing, just admit it so we can get out of here!"  


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Willowbirch on October 20, 2003, 03:58:10 PM
HOW COULD YOU LIVE WITHOUT KNOWING THESE
 THINGS? :::::
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was
 invented. It was ruled
 "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden" .....and
 thus the word GOLF entered
 into the English language.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 The first couple to be shown in bed together on
 prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Every day more money is printed for Monopoly
 than the US Treasury.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Men can read smaller print than women can;
 women can hear better.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Coca-Cola was originally green
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 It is impossible to lick your elbow.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 The State with the highest percentage of people
 who walk to work:
 Alaska
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 The percentage of Africa that is wilderness:
 28% (now get this)....The
 percentage of North America that is wilderness:
 38%
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the
 age of eleven: $6,400
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 The average number of people airborne over the
 US any given hour:
 61,000

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in
 their hair.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and
 lived in China in 1910.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 The youngest pope was 11 years old.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 The first novel ever written on a typewriter:
 Tom Sawyer.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 The San Francisco Cable cars are the only
 mobile National Monuments.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Each king in a deck of playing cards represents
 a great king from
 history:
 Spades - King David
 Hearts - Charlemagne
 Clubs -Alexander, the Great
 Diamonds - Julius Caesar
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 =
 12,345,678,987,654,321
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 If a statue in the park of a person on a horse
 has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
 If the horse
 has one front leg in the air the person died as a result
 of wounds received
 in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground,
 the person died of
 natural causes.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Only two people signed the Declaration of
 Independence on July 4th,
 John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest
 signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added
 until 5 years
 later.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles
 of what?
 A. Their birthplace
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is
 the most popular boat name requested?
 A. Obsession
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far
 would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
 A. One thousand
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes,
 windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
 A. All invented by women.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
 A. Honey
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Q. Which day are there more collect calls than
 any other day of the year?
 A. Father's Day
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured
 on bed frames by ropes.
 When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened,
 making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase
 "goodnight, sleep
 tight."
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000
 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's
 father would
 supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink.
 Mead is a honey beer
 and because their calendar was lunar based, this period
 was called the
 honey month...which we know today as the honeymoon.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and
 quarts...So in old England,
 when customers got unruly, the bartender would
 yell at them: "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle
 down. It's where
 we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had
 a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic
 cups. When
 they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some
 service.. "Wet your
 whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
 At least 75% of people who read this will try
 to lick their elbow


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Willowbirch on October 20, 2003, 04:00:14 PM
Kid's Voices
 =============
 
 Ever notice how a 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adult
 voices?
 
 Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm
 hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning.
 
 As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children
 in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm.
 I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.
 
 The next day, I talked to the children and explained that it was
 O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was
 expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night.
 
 They said OK.
 
 After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children
 picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time.
 
 Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to
 wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks
 waiting for their arriving passengers.
 
 As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running
 shouting,
 
 "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
 
 As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?"
 
 Alex shouted,
 
 "Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!"
 
 The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area
 looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of
 the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom
 was.
 ---------------------------------------------------------------
 
 An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about
 her then 4-year-old daughter.
 
 On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on
 the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing
 with it.
 
 "Be still, my heart," thought my friend, "my daughter wants to
 follow in my footsteps!"
 
 Then the child spoke into the instrument:
 "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
 
 ---------------------------------------------------------------
 
 A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,
 "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
 
 Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say,
 "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
 
 The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
 "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
 
 She replied, "I thought I was, but Mother says I'm not."
 
 ---------------------------------------------------------------
 
 A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with
 the boys?"
 
 Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're
 too rough."
 
 The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
 "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
 
 ---------------------------------------------------------------
 
 A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were
 on the way to church service,
 
 "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
 
 One bright little girl replied,
 
 "Because people are sleeping."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Willowbirch on October 20, 2003, 04:00:57 PM
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.  He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down.  Do you think I could stay the night?"  The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.  As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.  The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you.  You're not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.   Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.  The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.  That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.  The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you.  You're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right.  I'm dying to know.  If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"   The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles.  When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task.  Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.  He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for.  There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."v The monks reply, "Congratulations.  You are now a monk.  We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door." The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.  He says, "Real funny.  May I have the key?"  The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.  Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.  The man demands the key to the stone door.  The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.  He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.  Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.  So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is relieved to no end.  He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.  



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Willowbirch on October 20, 2003, 04:02:32 PM
A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long
weekend to thaw out last winter. They planned to stay at the same
hotel they spent their honeymoon 29 years before. Because both had jobs
they found it difficult to coordinate their travel schedules, so it was
decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his
wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the
husband checked into the hotel. In his room there was a computer so he
decided to send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he
accidentally left out one letter in her address and sent the e-mail
without realizing his error. In Houston a widow had just returned from
her husband's funeral. The dearly departed was a minister who had been
called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow checked her
e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the
first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found
his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read, To: My
Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived
You're probably surprised to hear from me. They have computers
here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've
just arrived and checked in. I see that everything has been prepared
for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope
your journey is as uneventful as mine was. PS Sure is hot down here!



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on October 20, 2003, 09:40:40 PM
Oklahoma Howdy to Willowbirch,

 ;D   ;D  ROFL - Thanks, I needed that laugh.

By the way, YOU GOT ME, I can't lick my elbow.   ;D

In Christ,
Tom


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Brother Love on October 21, 2003, 09:31:18 AM

You are special - Don't EVER forget it. Count your blessings, not your problems. Never be afraid to try something new.

And remember: amateurs built the ark...professionals built the
Titanic.

Brother Love :)

AMEN! Brother. If we counted our blessings, we wouldn't have time to think about our problems.

In Christ,
Tom

Amen Bro

Brother Love :)


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on October 21, 2003, 11:13:02 AM
Truths Learned By Children:

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic-tac.

Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.

School lunches stick to the wall.

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on October 21, 2003, 11:16:59 AM
Truths Learned By Adults:

Raising teenagers is like nailing JELLO to a tree.

There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere... and let the air out of their tires.

Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.

Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on October 21, 2003, 11:19:36 AM
Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline! :

If you are obsessive compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

If you are anal retentive, please hold.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on October 21, 2003, 11:23:46 AM
Things to do on an Elevator:

Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: 'Shut up, all of you just shut UP!'

Whistle the first seven notes of 'It's a Small World' incessantly.

Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: 'Got enough air in there?'

Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside down.

Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: 'I've got new socks on!'

Meow occasionally.

Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

Walk on with a cooler that says 'human head' on the side.

Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce 'You're one of THEM!' and move to the far corner of the elevator.

Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

When the elevator is silent, look around and ask 'Is that your beeper?'

Say 'Ding!' at each floor.

Say 'I wonder what all these do' and push the red buttons.

Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your 'personal space.'

Announce in a demonic voice: 'I must find a more suitable host body.'

Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.


Title: Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Brother Love on October 22, 2003, 04:46:52 AM
3 Good Ones BEP :)

Brother Love :)


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on October 22, 2003, 06:31:45 AM
3 Good Ones BEP :)

Brother Love :)

Oklahoma Howdy to Brother Love,

Thanks Brother. I didn't think they were my usual groaners.   ;D

In Christ,
Tom


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on October 27, 2003, 05:07:37 AM
We're having a dinner catered at our house this week end.  The chef is "Wheels" Pierre.  He's the chef at the local Road Kill Cafe (you kill it we grill it).

The Menu Choices:

    Center Line Bovine
           real good right from the hood

    Chicken
           that didn't cross the road

    Flat Cat
           single or in a stack

Dessert

    Road Toad Ala Mode

They also have a daily special

    "Guess That Mess"
           free if you can guess what it is


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on October 27, 2003, 05:14:42 AM
Rumored Corporate Mergers:
 
It has long been rumored that W. R. Grace Co. was considering buying the Fuller Brush Co. along with Mary Kay Cosmetics and then merge with the Hale Business Systems.  

This mega-corporate entity could be known as Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

Proposed merger:   Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers, to be called Fairwell Honeychild.

Rumored merger:   Wurlitzer with Xerox.  They are going to market reproductive organs.

Possible merger:   Warner Brothers, Polygraph Records and Keebler -- to be called... Poly-Warner-Cracker.

3M and Goodyear merger:   mmmGood

John Deere and Abitibi-Price: Deere Abi

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco and Dakota Mining:
Dip Audi Do Da

Swissair and Cheseborough-Ponds: Swisschese

Honeywell, Imasco and Home Oil: Honey, I'm Home

Luvs Diapers and Hertz Rent-a-Car: Luv Herts

Upjohn and Chuckie Cheese Pizza: UpChuck

White Castle Burgers and Glad Trash Bags: White Trash Bags


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Forrest on October 27, 2003, 03:17:17 PM
Subject: Fw: 25 signs you're getting old


 



 1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those kids next door
won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather
than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and
pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to
drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't
apply to you.



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Forrest on October 27, 2003, 03:19:02 PM
Subject: What is a billion?



The next time you hear a politician use the words "billion"
casually,  think about whether you want that politician spending your tax
money.
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising
agency did a good job of putting that figure into perspective in one
of its releases:

 -A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
 -A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
 -A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the
     Stone Age.
 -A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at
     the rate Washington spends it.




Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on October 27, 2003, 05:04:41 PM
Oklahoma Howdy to Forrest,

 ;D  - Signs you are getting old.

There are things all should do as they get older.

Keep your glasses close to the bed and always put them on before getting up. Advanced cases may need to count to 100 first and determine where they are first.

Always remember that your wife may not have been the one who moved the item you are searching for.

Always store your Preparation H and Ben-gay in separate locations. For advanced cases, store them in different rooms. For really advanced cases, make sure that neither of them are stored close to your toothbrush.

 ;D


Title: Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Ambassador4Christ on October 28, 2003, 04:32:38 PM
Thanks Forrest & BEP

You made my day ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Forrest on October 29, 2003, 12:18:19 AM
Two elderly Wal-Mart greeters were sitting on a bench at the entry way when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 73 years old now and
> I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
> Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby."
> Really, Like a new-born baby?"
>Yep. No hair, no teeth and I think I just wet my pants."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on October 29, 2003, 02:24:54 AM
Oklahoma Howdy to Forrest,

 ;D   ;D  Brother, you are on a roll.   ;D

In Christ,
Tom


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on October 29, 2003, 06:40:00 AM
Tough Love From Cousin:

(http://www.sirinet.net/~blkidps/love.jpg)


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on October 31, 2003, 01:23:20 AM
Here it is - Lawyer jokes just for you:

747 Full of Lawyers:

Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

-----

Buried Lawyers:

Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

-----

Burried 10 Feet Under:

Why are lawyers buried 10 feet underground?
Because deep down, they're really not that bad!

-----



Title: Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Ambassador4Christ on October 31, 2003, 08:28:32 PM
Lawyer jokes LOL  ;D ;D ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on November 02, 2003, 11:57:41 PM
Famous Dog Quotes:

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies."
Gene Hill

"In dog years, I'm dead."
Unknown

"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear."
Dave Barry

"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
Groucho Marx

"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs."
Aldous Huxley

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."
Robert Benchley

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
Sue Murphy

"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves."
August Strindberg

"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
Fran Lebowitz

"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant."
Unknown

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul: chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"
Anne Tyler

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
Rita Rudner

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
Ann Landers

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
Robert A. Heinlein

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
Dereke Bruce

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem."
Edward Abbey

"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it."
Unknown

"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail."
Unknown

"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does."
Christopher Morley

"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be."
Holbrook Jackson

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
Andrew A. Rooney

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
Mark Twain

"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts."
John Steinbeck


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on November 03, 2003, 12:08:41 AM
World's Easiest Quiz:

(Answers at the bottom. . . Hey - NO Cheating)

Write your answers down before looking at the answers. If you get more than 2 wrong, remedial education is available.

1. How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2. Which country makes Panama hats?

3. From which animal do we get catgut?

4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5. What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7. What was King George VI's first name?

8. What color is a purple finch?

9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10. How long did the Thirty Years War last?






ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ


1. 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.

2. Ecuador.

3. From sheep and horses.

4. November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.

5. Squirrel fur.

6. The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs.

7. Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert.

8. Distinctively crimson.

9. New Zealand.

10. Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648.

GOTCHA!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on November 03, 2003, 12:12:20 AM
Product Label Instructions For Idiots:

On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

Some Swanson frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.

On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating

On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine
Do not drive car or operate machinery

On Nytol (a sleep aid):
Warning: may cause drowsiness

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use

On Sainsbury's Peanuts
Warning: contains nuts

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chain saw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.


Title: Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Brother Love on November 03, 2003, 06:36:57 AM
Product Label Instructions For Idiots:

On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

Some Swanson frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.

On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating

On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine
Do not drive car or operate machinery

On Nytol (a sleep aid):
Warning: may cause drowsiness

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use

On Sainsbury's Peanuts
Warning: contains nuts

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chain saw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

Good One Bro

Brother Love :)


Title: Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Ambassador4Christ on November 05, 2003, 01:05:41 PM
Psych Test:

This is an authentic psychological test.
It is a story about a girl. While at the funeral of her mother, she met a man whom she did not know. She thought he was amazing, her dream guy, and she fell in love with him but never asked for his number and couldn't find him after the funeral. A few days later the girl killed her sister.

Question: What is her motive in killing her sister? Give this some thought before you scroll down.























Answer:

She was hoping that the guy would appear at the sister's funeral.If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test a famous American psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took this test and answered it correctly.
If you didn't answer correctly - good for you. And, I'd trust you with a gun.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on November 05, 2003, 06:15:21 PM
Photogenic?

When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local Motor Vehicle Bureau was packed.

The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The clerk looked at his picture closely, and reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on November 05, 2003, 06:17:51 PM
Headlines - Real?

DEAF MUTE GETS NEW HEARING IN KILLING

DEFENDANT'S SPEECH ENDS IN LONG SENTENCE

ASBESTOS SUIT PRESSED

DOCTOR TESTIFIES IN HORSE SUIT

COMPLAINTS ABOUT NBA REFEREES GROWING UGLY

POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUNDOWN JAYWALKERS

FLAMING TOILET SEAT CAUSES EVACUATION AT HIGH SCHOOL

HOUSE PASSES GAS TAX ONTO SENATE

POLICE DISCOVER CRACK IN AUSTRALIA

TUNA BITING OFF WASHINGTON COAST

TWO CONVICTS EVADE NOOSE; JURY HUNG

COLLEGIANS ARE TURNING TO VEGETABLES

MILK DRINKERS ARE TURNING TO POWDER

SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED

FLORIDA ILLEGAL ALIENS CUT IN HALF BY NEW LAW

COUNTY OFFICIALS TO TALK RUBBISH

JUDGE ACTS TO REOPEN THEATER

SURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTS


Title: Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Brother Love on November 06, 2003, 05:42:45 AM
Photogenic?

When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local Motor Vehicle Bureau was packed.

The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The clerk looked at his picture closely, and reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

How True LOL :)

Brother Love :)


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on November 12, 2003, 02:29:37 AM
In Hot Pursuit:

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over a 100 miles per hour.

"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"

The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."

"Oh, NOOOO!" yelled the brunette. "Are his flashers on?"

The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope...yup..."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on November 12, 2003, 02:30:50 AM
Deputy Gomer:

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.

"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"

"11" he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."

"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and tomorrow."

He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant.

"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on November 12, 2003, 02:32:02 AM
Bubba & Earl:

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?", asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on November 12, 2003, 02:33:31 AM
A BLONDE POLICE STOP:

A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car. The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.

The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"

Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"

The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.

The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."


Title: Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Brother Love on November 12, 2003, 06:07:19 AM
In Hot Pursuit:

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over a 100 miles per hour.

"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"

The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."

"Oh, NOOOO!" yelled the brunette. "Are his flashers on?"

The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope...yup..."


Another Good One Brother BEP

Brother Love :)


Title: Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Ambassador4Christ on November 19, 2003, 05:06:34 PM
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? ;D



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on November 19, 2003, 10:14:30 PM
 ;D  Good one Ambassador4Christ.

Now for my groaner:

The Scottie Dog Who Knew Karate:
 
There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.

So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, "I need a good guard dog."

And the clerk replied, "Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate."

The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair."

The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, "Karate that table." The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.

So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. But then she told her husband that it knew karate, and he said "Karate my rear end!"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Brother Love on November 22, 2003, 05:44:33 AM
;D  Good one Ambassador4Christ.

Now for my groaner:

The Scottie Dog Who Knew Karate:
 
There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.

So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, "I need a good guard dog."

And the clerk replied, "Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate."

The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair."

The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, "Karate that table." The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.

So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. But then she told her husband that it knew karate, and he said "Karate my rear end!"

LOL :)

Brother Love :)


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on November 23, 2003, 01:23:46 PM
You had to know, so here it is:

What do you call 32 hillbillies standing in line?







 
A full set of teeth!    ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Forrest on November 23, 2003, 02:40:59 PM
You had to know, so here it is:

What do you call 32 hillbillies standing in line?







 
A full set of teeth!    ;D


    GGGrrrooonnn
  Q:  Why are New Yorkers always depressed?
    A:  The light at the end of their tunnel is New Jersey.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Forrest on November 23, 2003, 02:54:54 PM

Father O'Malley and friends

Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.
One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

  Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and  there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn`t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Forrest on November 23, 2003, 02:56:30 PM


DONATION

Father O'Malley answers the phone

"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"

"It is"

"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"

"I can"

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

"I do"

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is"

"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"

"He will".


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Forrest on November 23, 2003, 03:08:02 PM


Here are 16 actual error messages seen on the computer screens in Japan, here some are written in Haiku. Aren't these better than "your computer has performed an illegal operation"?

--------------------------------------------

The Web site you seek cannot be located, but countless more exist.

--------------------------------------------

Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.

--------------------------------------------

Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much.

--------------------------------------------

Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.

--------------------------------------------

Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that.

--------------------------------------------

Your file was so big. It might be very useful. But now it is gone.

--------------------------------------------

Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down.

--------------------------------------------

A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone.

--------------------------------------------

Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has occurred?

--------------------------------------------

You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here.

--------------------------------------------

Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will.

------------------------------------------------

Having been erased, The document you're seeking must now be retyped.

--------------------------------------------

Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared.

--------------------------------------------

Screen.

Mind.

Both are blank.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on November 25, 2003, 11:21:42 PM
Military Thoughts - Real?:

"Aim towards the Enemy." -Instructions printed on a US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. -U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52's is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." -Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." -Army's magazine of preventive maintenance

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." -U.S. Air Force Manual

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." -Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways." -U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." -Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." -David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." -Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." -Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." -Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." -Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." -Your Buddies

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." -U.S.A.F. Ammo

 ;D

In Christ,
Tom


Title: Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Brother Love on December 01, 2003, 04:36:25 AM
Military Thoughts - Real?:

"Aim towards the Enemy." -Instructions printed on a US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. -U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52's is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." -Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." -Army's magazine of preventive maintenance

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." -U.S. Air Force Manual

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." -Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways." -U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." -Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." -David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." -Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." -Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." -Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." -Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." -Your Buddies

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." -U.S.A.F. Ammo

 ;D

In Christ,
Tom


My Favorite one is the last one:

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." -U.S.A.F. Ammo :)

Brother Love :)



Title: LETTER TO THE BANK
Post by: Forrest on December 10, 2003, 02:43:29 AM
LETTER TO THE BANK
 
Below is an actual letter sent to a bank. The bank manager thought it
amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times:
 
 
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check, with which I endeavored
to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must
have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my
account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the
automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement, which I
admit, has only been in place for eight years.
 
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account $50 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience caused to your bank.
 
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I
personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to
contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
pre-recorded faceless entity, which your bank has become.
 
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter,
no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,
addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom
you must nominate.
 
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person
to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application for
Authorized Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to
complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as
much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no
alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her
financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof.
 
In due course, I will issue your employee a PIN number, which he/she
must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than
28 digits, but again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses
required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As
they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
 
Let me level the playing field even further. When calling, please press
buttons as follows:
 
#1. To make an appointment to see me.
 
#2. To query a missing payment.
 
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
 
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
 
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
 
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
 
#7. To leave a message on my computer; a password will be required to
access my computer. Password will be communicated at a later date to the
Authorized Contact.
 
#8. To return to the main menu or to listen to options 1 through 7
again.
 
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The person calling me will
be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
will play for the duration of the call.
 
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. I
will be contacting you shortly with the amount. In the meantime, may I
wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous New Year?
 
Your Humble Client,
______________________________________________


Title: Christmas Groaners
Post by: nChrist on December 17, 2003, 03:58:20 AM
Christmas Groaners:

What's another name for Santa's Little Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic.

Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can ho-ho-ho.

Why don't elves just buy the toys with money?
Because they're a little short!

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmastime?
Sandy Claws!

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer 'Olive'?
Olive?
Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names..."

What do you get if you deep-fry Santa Claus?
Crisp Cringle

What do elves learn in school?
The Elfabet

What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish

What is Santa's dog's name?
Santa Paws


Title: Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Brother Love on December 17, 2003, 05:50:18 AM
What do you get if you deep-fry Santa Claus?
Crisp Cringle :) :) :)

Brother Love :)



Title: PECANS IN THE CEMETERY
Post by: Ambassador4Christ on December 31, 2003, 04:30:01 PM
PECANS IN THE CEMETERY            

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.

One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one of the boys as he put the pecans in two piles.

While they were dividing up the pecans several more dropped and rolled down >toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.

He slowed down to investigate.

Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was.

He jumped back on his bike and rode off.

Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "You won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, >one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we >can see the Lord."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter >and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all.
Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
........ They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike

 ;D ;D ;D


Title: Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Ambassador4Christ on January 08, 2004, 05:11:17 PM
A group of blondes in a class at Texas A&M University were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they fell off the ladders, dropped the tape measures and pencils -- the whole thing was just a mess.

An engineering student comes along and sees what they're trying to do.
She walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, and then gives the measurement to one of the blondes and walks away.

After the engineer had gone, one blonde turned to another and laughed:
"Isn't that just like a dumb engineer?  We're looking for the height and she gives us the length!"  ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on January 08, 2004, 07:17:34 PM
Oklahoma Howdy to Ambassador4Christ,

Thanks Brother, I really needed that laugh today.

Love In Christ,
Tom


Title: Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Ambassador4Christ on January 09, 2004, 04:26:47 PM
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."  
 ;D ;D ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on January 09, 2004, 10:07:41 PM
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."  
 ;D ;D ;D

Oklahoma Howdy to Brother Ambassador4Christ,

 ;D  ;D  ;D  OH NO!! - I have one of those that goes for 30 days!!  LOL

Love In Christ,
Tom


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: sincereheart on January 13, 2004, 08:12:54 AM
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God had problem with His children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was: "DON'T!"
"Don't what?", Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit.", God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"
"No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why"
"Because I am your Father, and I said so," God replied--wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break, and He was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" asked the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it," Adam said.
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus, the pattern was set, and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then, you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Parents of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We child proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home.
AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE: "TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"  :-X


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: JudgeNot on January 13, 2004, 10:54:24 AM
The Monk

A man's car broke down as he was driving past a beautiful old monastery. He walked up the drive and knocked on the front door. A monk answered, listened to the man's story and graciously invited him to spend the night.

The monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber in which to sleep. The man thanked the monks and slept serenely until he was awakened by a strange and beautiful sound.

The next morning, as the monks were repairing his car, he asked about the sound that had awakened him.

"We're sorry," the monks said. "We can't tell you about the sound. you're not a monk."

The man was disappointed, but eager to be gone, so he thanked the monks for their kindness and went on his way.

During quiet moments afterward, the man pondered the source of the alluring sound.

Several years later the man happened to be driving in the same area. He stopped at the monastery on a whim and asked admittance. He explained to the monks that he had so enjoyed his previous stay, he wondered if he might be permitted to spend another night under their peaceful roof.

The monks agreed, and so the man stayed with them again.

Late that night, he heard the strange beautiful sound. The following morning he begged the monks to explain the sound. The monks gave him the same answer as before.

"We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk."

By now the man's curiosity had turned to obsession. He decided to give up everything and become a monk, for that was the only way he could learn about the sound.

He informed the monks of his decision and began the long and arduous task of becoming a monk. Seventeen years later, the man was finally established as a true member of the order.
When the celebration ended, he humbly went to the leader of the order and asked to be told the source of the sound.

Silently, the old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door. He opened the door with a golden key. That door swung open to reveal a second door of silver, then a third of gold and so on until they had passed through twelve doors, each more magnificent than the last.

The new monk's face was awash with tears of joy as he finally beheld the wondrous source of the beautiful mysterious sound he had heard so many years before...
......

......


......



......




But, I can't tell you what it was. You're not a monk!



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: The Crusader on January 14, 2004, 04:31:26 AM
Good one JudgeNot


The Crusader


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: sincereheart on January 15, 2004, 07:43:15 AM
As Simple as it Gets
(A Father Daughter Talk)

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat and was for distribution of all wealth. She felt deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, which she expressed openly.

One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and more welfare programs. In the middle of her heartfelt diatribe based upon the lectures she had from her far left professors at her school, he stopped her and asked her point blank how she was doing in school.

She answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain. That she had to study all the time, never had time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn’t even have time for a boyfriend and didn’t have really many college friends because of spending all her time studying. That she was taking a more difficult curriculum.

Her father listened and then asked, “How is your friend Mary?” She replied, “Mary is barely getting by,” she continued, “All she has is barely a 2.0 GPA” adding “and all she takes are easy classes and she never studies.” But to explain further she continued emotionally, “But Mary is so very popular on campus, college for her is a blast! She goes to all the parties all the time and very often doesn’t even show up for classes because she is too hung over.”

Her father then asked his daughter, “Why don’t you go to the Dean’s office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your 4.0 GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0?” He continued, “That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair, equal distribution of GPA…” The daughter, visibly shocked by her father’s suggestion angrily fired back, “That wouldn’t be fair! I worked really hard for mine, I did without and Mary has done little or nothing! She played while I worked really hard!”

The father slowly smiled and said, “Welcome to the Republican Party.”
 ;D


Title: Politically Correct Male Put-downs
Post by: nChrist on January 17, 2004, 12:33:05 AM
Politically Correct Male Put-Downs:

He doesn't have a beer gut; he has a liquid grain storage facility.


He's not quiet or shy; he's a conversational minimalist.


He's not stupid; he's cranial developmentally challenged.


He doesn't get lost; he discovers alternative destinations.


He's not balding; he's in follicle regression.



Title: Smart Dog:
Post by: nChrist on January 17, 2004, 12:34:44 AM
Smart Dog:

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again.

He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth.

The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.

The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes.

The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable.

The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.

Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and
climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.

The bus travels through town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still
in his mouth, and the butcher still following.

They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -wham!- against the door.

He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -wham!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing?

This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for Heaven's sake!" To which the guy responds, "Clever, my eye. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"



Title: The Chicken Farmer:
Post by: nChrist on January 17, 2004, 12:37:16 AM
(It's an old one, but I like it.)

The Chicken Farmer:

A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to take up farming. He heads to the local feed store and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens." The feed store man complies.

A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens." The feed store man complies.

Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says,

"Give me 500 baby chickens."

"Wow!" the feed store man replies. "You must really be doing well!" "Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"



Title: Slogans for Women's T-Shirts:
Post by: nChrist on January 17, 2004, 12:38:47 AM
Slogans for Women's T-shirts:

I'm out of estrogen, but I have a gun!

Guys have feelings too, but who cares?

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.

Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

I'm multi-talented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time.

Do NOT start with me You will NOT win.

You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.

All stressed out and no one to choke.

I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

How can I miss you if you won't go away?


Title: Rules guys wish girls knew:
Post by: nChrist on January 17, 2004, 12:41:08 AM
Rules Guys Wish Girls Knew:


If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect gift.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

Don't ask about his thoughts unless you want to discuss navel lint, shotguns, or monster trucks.

Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different. It's just like every other cat.

A dog is better than ANY cat. Period.

Shopping is not a sport.

Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect him to submit to it.

Your ex-boyfriend is, was, and always will be an idiot.

Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark important days on a calendar.

Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes. What makes you think he would be any good at choosing which pair, out of your thirty, would look good with your dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.

Check your oil.

Anything said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and/or angry, we meant the other one.

You can either ask him to do something or tell him how you want it done - not both.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.


Title: Gifts for teacher:
Post by: nChrist on January 17, 2004, 12:42:49 AM
(An old one, but I like it.)

Gifts for Teacher:

It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is.
Some flowers."

"That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."

"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.

"Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue.

"Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"

With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"


Title: Re:Slogans for Women's T-Shirts:
Post by: Symphony on January 17, 2004, 12:50:36 AM
Slogans for Women's T-shirts:

I'm out of estrogen, but I have a gun!

Guys have feelings too, but who cares?

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.

Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

I'm multi-talented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time.

Do NOT start with me You will NOT win.

You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.

All stressed out and no one to choke.

I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

How can I miss you if you won't go away?


Hmmm.  Sounds like bep been learning his lesson.  


Where do get all these, bep.  Funny!!

   ;D ;D ;D



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on January 17, 2004, 02:24:29 AM
Oklahoma Howdy to Symphony,

Quote
Hmmm.  Sounds like bep been learning his lesson.  


Where do get all these, bep.  Funny!!

I get quite a few in Email from friends and family, but my wife is a school teacher and teachers trade jokes all the time to maintain sanity.   :D  I used to post them more often, but we're not getting as many as we used to for some reason. I understand that the teachers send them back and forth between schools, and I'd love to get on their Email list. You know they live on the edge, and most of them aren't quite right by the end of a normal day with all of those kids.   ;D

If I can ever find them, I saved police jokes for years. In fact, I had a police humor thread on my BBS, 357 Magnum, for many years. There would be a thousand or more, and I would love to find them. If I do, I'll post some of the best ones. It was a FIDOnet BBS, and I was a Net Coordinator. A thread was local to one machine, and echos were either area, national, or international. Believe it or not, I processed as many as 2500 messages a day through my system. I probably have thousands of regular jokes some place, but I can't find them either. Several of the echos were all humor. Just for trivia, I served as an International Moderator for FIDOnet's ASKACOP Echo for many years. The Internet killed the vast majority of Bulletin Boards, and that's a shame.

Did you ever visit an old-fashioned Bulletin Board?

Love in Christ,
Tom


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Symphony on January 17, 2004, 09:55:38 PM

No, I never visited a bullentin board.  I brand new to the Net and technology generally.


What do you mean the Net killed the bulentin board?


Wow, it sounds like you were really at the center.

Hmm, I wasn't aware of that 'bout the teachers.  Hmm, on the edge all the time.  

I wonder if I would enjoy teaching.  I like to think tht I would.  I'd love to, actually, I think.  But it would be exhausting, I would think.





Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on January 18, 2004, 01:20:52 AM
Oklahoma Howdy to Symphony,

Quote
What do you mean the Net killed the bulentin board?

There was a time when things were pretty expensive, and average people could not afford the phone bills to send and receive messages around the world. That was one of the big advantages of belonging to a big net, one where messages were relayed from one hub to the next. We all had to pay fees, but we shared the fees and reduced the costs with a relay system incorporating a net of over 30,000 computers around the world.

Most System Operators tried to keep the cost low enough to pay all of the bills themselves, but many of the users had to pay long distance fees to use the BBS, and they paid by the minute to access the BBS. I was one who paid all of my bills, and I didn't charge anyone a fee of any kind, even when I had to pay fees to deliver their mail. During times of war or emergency, we sent and received messages to and from military personnel all over the world, especially when phones were tied up or too expensive for average people. We were able to compress a large message and send it to the next hub in seconds or split-seconds.

When the Internet first started to become popular, many people couldn't afford it. Most FIDOnet Operators already had links to the Internet they could use for little or nothing. As a result, the first Emails many people sent were sent via a relay from a FIDOnet system at no cost to them. Messages were also sent and received in what were called SIGs, Special Interest Groups. FIDOnet had thousands of them. Let's say your hobby was stamp collecting and trading. You could subscribe to that SIG on a FIDOnet system and talk/trade with other stamp collectors around the world. When you logged into the system, the messages of your interest were waiting for you.

Along came several free Internet Email providers, and many eventually became a local call. This started reducing the popularity of FIDOnet systems. Then, along came full Internet Service Providers, and many eventually became a local call with reasonable monthly charges. FIDOnet systems never offered the full services of the Internet, as that would require huge systems and huge bills. Most FIDOnet Systems did offer on-line games, but none compared to what was offered on the Internet. I had 25 online games on my system and free Email/Netmail. I also maintained immediate access to over 300 FIDOnet SIGs. There are various message groups on the Internet that would easily go over 100,000. I wouldn't even guess about how many games could be played on the Internet and how many services are offered that could never be offered by a FIDOnet System (i.e. online banking, stock trading, etc.). The best a FIDOnet System could do was offer a tiny glimpse of the Internet. Prices came down low enough for average people, and they stopped calling the FIDOnet Systems. Part of the price obviously involved computer equipment and modems. My last modem that I used in 1997 for my system cost over $500, and I had needs that only that modem could supply. Today's equivalent for accessing the Internet is very simple and might cost $30.

All of these things worked together and most of the nets started to die. I hope you enjoyed this little trip down memory lane.   :D

In Christ,
Tom


Title: Re:The Chicken Farmer:
Post by: The Crusader on January 23, 2004, 06:04:54 AM
(It's an old one, but I like it.)

The Chicken Farmer:

A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to take up farming. He heads to the local feed store and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens." The feed store man complies.

A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens." The feed store man complies.

Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says,

"Give me 500 baby chickens."

"Wow!" the feed store man replies. "You must really be doing well!" "Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"



 :)


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on February 06, 2004, 12:19:22 AM
A Question To Ponder:

Where do you find a dog with no legs?











Right where you left it.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on February 06, 2004, 12:21:36 AM
The Wrong Way  (An old one - but still good):

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on February 06, 2004, 12:24:37 AM
Kofi Annan’s New Year's UN Resolutions:

Be brave -- ask US for more money.
Salt and pepper beard more.

Apply for US citizenship.

Lose weight -- no more delicious McDonald's cultural hegemony!

Bad-mouth US in front of Middle Eastern diplomats more.

Daily affirmation: "I am not the tool of the world's sole superpower!"

Make the UN more bureaucratized.

Talk to US President more in broader terms - "African People Hungry," "Arabs Hate You," "Germany no likee war. Now." Perhaps speak slower.

Finally count out Third World dues change jar.

Resolve to cut the word “Secretary” from title. “General Annan” catchier.

Change name of UN Security Council to either "THE STAR CHAMBER", or "THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMAN", or “THE GUNS AND MISSILES CLUB”.

Switch lame blue helmets of peacekeeping forces to ninja masks.

Do charter bi-lines allow the UN to stockpile Weapons of Mass Destruction of their own? Could be help when negotiating with uppity Western Nations. Look into it this year. FOR REAL THIS TIME!!!!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on February 06, 2004, 12:28:27 AM
The CIA Opening for an Assassin (An old one - but good one)

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”

The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on February 06, 2004, 12:30:58 AM
PC Pot:

A Dell employee got busted for pot in Manhattan recently. President Bush and many conservative lawmakers are surprisingly upset, as they have always pushed the view that marijuana is a Gateway drug.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: sincereheart on February 06, 2004, 07:39:13 AM
*tiptoes in*

*looks around*

*laughs (some really good ones here!)*

*tiptoes out*

 ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Symphony on February 06, 2004, 10:07:00 AM
from bep, earlier:

Slogans for Women's T-shirts:

I'm out of estrogen, but I have a gun!

Guys have feelings too, but who cares?

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.  (Hm.  I might change this one to:  "I'm busy. You're ugly.  Deal with it."   ;D)


Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

I'm multi-talented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time.

Do NOT start with me You will NOT win.

You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP. (I would omit "please"... :-X)

All stressed out and no one to choke.    ;D

I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.   ;D

How can I miss you if you won't go away   ;D



These are perfect, bep.  


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Symphony on February 06, 2004, 10:08:56 AM
also from bep, earlier:

Rules Guys Wish Girls Knew:


If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect gift.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

Don't ask about his thoughts unless you want to discuss navel lint, shotguns, or monster trucks.

Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different. It's just like every other cat.

A dog is better than ANY cat. Period.

Shopping is not a sport.

Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect him to submit to it.

Your ex-boyfriend is, was, and always will be an idiot.

Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark important days on a calendar.

Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes. What makes you think he would be any good at choosing which pair, out of your thirty, would look good with your dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.

Check your oil.

Anything said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and/or angry, we meant the other one.

You can either ask him to do something or tell him how you want it done - not both.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.  
 
 
Hm, bep, I think I might post these on the refrigerator.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Symphony on February 06, 2004, 10:12:46 AM

Guys have feelings too, but who cares?



All stressed out and no one to choke.




     ;D ;D ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on February 06, 2004, 09:59:32 PM
Oklahoma Howdy to Symphony,

Some of these work pretty well for school teachers on Fridays after teaching for 30 years.   ;D  I just say "Yes", salute, and go do what I'm told on Friday night. There always has to be 2 or 3 kids in the class that pinch the absolute last nerve on that poor teacher by Friday. Two more years and she can retire. In the meantime, I'm the only one close enough to choke on the weekend.   ;D  It's best to talk softly, not make eye contact, and simply sit quietly until you are given orders on something to do.   ;D

In Christ,
Tom


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Left Coast on February 08, 2004, 03:11:20 PM
After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said: "Let me see if I've got this right.
You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning. And I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits.
"You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem. You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job.
"I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, offer advice, write letters of recommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage respect for the cultural diversity of others, and oh, make sure that I give the girls in my class fifty percent of my attention.
"My contract requires me to work on my own time after school, evenings and weekends grading papers. Also, I must spend my summer vacation at my own expense working toward advance certification and a Masters degree. And on my own time you want me to attend committee and faculty meetings, PTA meetings, and participate in staff development training.
"I am to be a paragon of virtue, larger than life, such that my very presence will awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority. And I am to pledge allegiance to family values and this current administration.
"You want me to incorporate technology into the learning experience, monitor web sites, and relate personally with each student. That includes deciding who might be potentially dangerous and/or liable to commit a crime in school.
"I am to make sure all students pass the mandatory state exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments. Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap.. And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter and report card..
"All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps! "You want me to do all of this and yet you expect me. . . NOT TO PRAY?"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: JudgeNot on February 08, 2004, 06:19:22 PM
Left Coast - I don't know whether to laugh or cry...
 :D :'( :D :'( :D :'( :-\


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Left Coast on February 11, 2004, 12:04:40 AM
(1) God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.

(2) Dear God, I have a problem -- it's me.

(3) Growing old is inevitable, growing UP is optional.

(4) There is no key to happiness. The door is always open.

(5) Silence is often misinterpreted, but never misquoted.

(6) Do the math ... count your blessings.

(7) Faith is the ability to not panic.

(8) Laugh every day, it's like inner jogging.

(9) If you worry, you didn't pray. If you pray, don't worry.

(10) As a child of God, prayer is kind of like calling home everyday.

(11) Blessed are the flexible for they shall not be bent out of shape.

(12) The most important things in your home are the people.

(13) When we get tangled up in our problems, be still. God wants us to be
still so He can untangle the knot.

(14) A grudge is a heavy thing to carry.

(15) He who dies with the most toys is still dead.

(16) We do not remember days, but moments.

(17) Life is moving too fast, so enjoy your precious moments.


(18) Nothing is real to you until you experience it, otherwise it's just
hearsay.

(19) It's all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again. Just
remember to flush it occasionally!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: JudgeNot on February 11, 2004, 11:16:31 AM
What your mother taught you:


1.  My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of  that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught  me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me  about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut  your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me  about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that  dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is  gone."

11. My mother taught  me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I  brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14.  My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR  MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught  me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father. "

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Left Coast on February 11, 2004, 11:44:23 AM
Quote
25. My mother taught me JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
And one of my four is a splitting image.
He lives about a mile from my house, he thinks my name is Safeway.
Unfortunatly my mother died before his teen years, she would have laughed herself silly.
I loved your post. ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on February 11, 2004, 11:01:46 PM
 ;D  -  Thanks for those laughs Brothers!

I have a real old one that has been updated. I think I can honestly state it is a REAL KNEE SLAPPER!
____________________

This is an old one but updated and great!

GREEN SNAKES ARE OK?  READ ON...

Green garden grass snakes can be dangerous, Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.  It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out
and the wife saw it go under the sofa.  She let out a very loud scream.

The husband who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was.  She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.

About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the leg. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted.  His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance.  The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.

About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man.  He volunteered to capture the snake.  He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.

Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.  But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around.  She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there
passed out tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.  An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury required hospitalization.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake.  She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now the police had arrived.  They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred.  They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.  They called an ambulance, which took away the
neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch.  One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it.  He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa.  The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire.  Meanwhile the burning drapes
had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing.

Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire-truck had started raising his ladder as they were halfway down the street.  The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area.

Time passed.  Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was re-built, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.

About a year later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night.  The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.  She shot him.[b/]   ;D   ;D
____________________

My 80 year old aunt in Galveston, Texas sent that to me. It was funny in the old version, but it's even better now.



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Coyote on February 19, 2004, 01:18:43 AM
Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and  she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em." Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But,she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."
.......Her trial starts next month


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on February 19, 2004, 11:51:44 AM
Oklahoma Howdy to Coyote,

 ;D  Thanks Brother, I needed that laugh.

Tom


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Paul2 on February 20, 2004, 01:18:31 PM
     LOL ;D


Title: Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Ambassador4Christ on February 21, 2004, 05:07:12 PM
;D  -  Thanks for those laughs Brothers!

I have a real old one that has been updated. I think I can honestly state it is a REAL KNEE SLAPPER!
____________________

This is an old one but updated and great!

GREEN SNAKES ARE OK?  READ ON...

Green garden grass snakes can be dangerous, Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.  It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out
and the wife saw it go under the sofa.  She let out a very loud scream.

The husband who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was.  She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.

About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the leg. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted.  His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance.  The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.

About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man.  He volunteered to capture the snake.  He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.

Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.  But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around.  She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there
passed out tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.  An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury required hospitalization.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake.  She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now the police had arrived.  They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred.  They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.  They called an ambulance, which took away the
neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch.  One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it.  He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa.  The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire.  Meanwhile the burning drapes
had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing.

Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire-truck had started raising his ladder as they were halfway down the street.  The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area.

Time passed.  Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was re-built, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.

About a year later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night.  The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.  She shot him.[b/]   ;D   ;D
____________________

My 80 year old aunt in Galveston, Texas sent that to me. It was funny in the old version, but it's even better now.



LOL ;D You get  ;D ;D ;D ;D


Title: Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Ambassador4Christ on March 05, 2004, 08:50:29 PM
The 10 Best Caddy Replies

# 10
Golfer   "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy  "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

#  9
Golfer   "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy  "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

#  8
Golfer   "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy  "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

#  7
Golfer   "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy  "Eventually."

#  6
Golfer   "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy  "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

#  5
Golfer   "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy  "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

#  4
Golfer   "How do you like my game?"
Caddy  "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

#  3
Golfer   "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy  "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

#  2
Golfer   "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy  "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

# 1 Best Caddy Comment
Golfer "That can't be my ball, it's too old,"
Caddy "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: JudgeNot on March 05, 2004, 10:27:44 PM
A4C - I'm not a golfer - but that was pretty good! Now I know why I'm NOT a golfer!  ;D

(But there's a lot of bass out there that think I'm the biggest joke in the world!)  ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on March 05, 2004, 11:03:06 PM
Oklahoma Howdy to Ambassador4Christ,

 ;D   ;D  Thanks Brother!, I needed that laugh.

I'll tell you a groaner of a golf joke since I was reminded of it.
_____________

This executive was sick of being beat at golf and decided he had to find someone he could beat. He went driving in the country and found an old guy in overalls on a tractor. The farmer said that he didn't know anything about golf, but he agreed to go.

The executive told the farmer a little bit about the game and gave terms for a few things. He said, "See that flag down there? You want to take this club, hit that ball, and try to make it land as close as you can to that flag."

The farmer hit a beautiful shot, the ball hit the flag, and it came to rest about two feet from the hole.

The executive got really mad and said, "I thought you didn't know anything about golf! You almost hit the ball into the hole on the first shot!"

The farmer said, "Why didn't you tell me I was supposed to hit the ball into the hole?"

 ;D   ;D
 


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: JudgeNot on March 10, 2004, 06:56:31 PM
GREAT LITERARY TAUNTS

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
        -Stephen Bishop

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
      - Winston Churchill

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
      - Irvin S. Cobb

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
     - Clarence Darrow

 "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
 - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

 "He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
      -Samuel Johnson

 "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

 "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
      -Groucho Marx

 "They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
      -Thomas Beckett Reed

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
     - Forrest Tucker

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
    - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
    - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."
     -Oscar Wilde

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
    -Oscar Wilde

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
    - Billy Wilder


Title: Musings of a Good Father on a Bad Day
Post by: sincereheart on March 12, 2004, 08:49:22 AM
There's nothing sadder than the childless couple. It breaks your heart to see them stretched out, relaxing around swimming pools in Florida and California, suntanned and miserable on the decks of boats, trotting off to enjoy Europe like lonesome fools -- with money to spend, time to enjoy themselves and nothing to worry about.

Childless couples become so selfish and wrapped up in their own concerns that you feel sorry for them. They don't fight over the kids' discipline. They miss all the fun "doing without" for the child's sake. It's a pathetic sight.

Everyone should have children. No one should be allowed to escape the wonderful experiences attached to each stage in the development of the young.

The happy memories of those early years -- saturated mattresses, waiting for sitters who don't show, midnight asthma attacks, rushing to the emergency room of the hospital to get the kid's head stitched up.

Then comes the payoff -- when the child grows from a little acorn into a real nut.

What can equal the warm smile of a small lad with the sun glittering on $1,500 worth of braces -- ruined by peanut brittle -- or the frolicking, carefree voices of 20 hysterical savages running amok, at a birthday party?

How sad not to have children to brighten your cocktail parties -- massaging potato chips into the rug and wrestling with guests for the olives in their martinis.

How empty is the home without challenging problems that make for a well-rounded life -- and an early breakdown; the end-of-day report from Mother, related like strategically placed blows to the temple, the tender, thoughtful
discussions when the report card reveals that your senior son is a moron.

Children are worth every moment of anxiety, every sacrifice. You know it the first time you take your son hunting. He didn't mean to shoot you in the leg. Remember how he cried? How sorry he was? So disappointed you weren't a deer. Those are the memories a man treasures.

Think back to that night of romantic adventure, when your budding, beautiful daughter eloped with the village idiot. What childless couple ever shares in such a wonderful growing experience?

Could a woman without children equal the strength and heroism of your wife when she tried to fling herself out of the bedroom window? Only a father could have the courage to stand by -- ready to jump after her.

The childless couple lives in a vacuum. They try to fill their lonely lives with dinner dates, theater, golf, tennis, swimming, civic affairs and trips all over the world.

The emptiness of life without children is indescribable.

See what the years have done. He looks boyish, unlined and rested. She is slim, well-groomed and youthful. It isn't natural. If they had kids, they'd look like the rest of us -- tired, gray, wrinkled and haggard. In other words, normal.

--author unknown


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shylynne on March 12, 2004, 09:54:32 AM
Then comes the payoff -- when the child grows from a little acorn into a real nut.

LOL! I have 3 real nuts...all NORMAL like me too...well...without the tired, gray, wrinkled and haggard part  ;D


Title: 1 Parachute Short
Post by: nChrist on April 17, 2004, 03:30:04 PM
One Parachute Short  -  This is funny.....this should make your day.......


An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board,  but only 4 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said "I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player; the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Hillary Clinton said, "I am the wife of the former U.S. President, a senator from New York, and a potential future president and I am the smartest woman in American history, so America's people don't want me to die." She took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.

The 3rd passenger, Wesley Clark, said "I'm a general in the Army of the United States of America. I am also going to be my party's nominee for President ." So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped.

The 4th passenger, President George W. Bush, said to the 5th passenger, a 10 year old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country well. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last
parachute."

The little girl said, "That's okay. There's a parachute left for you.

America's smartest woman took my schoolbag!"

Now didn't this make you smile....


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Symphony on April 18, 2004, 05:06:28 AM

For sale:  Parachute.  Used once--didn't open.



     ???


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on April 20, 2004, 02:17:23 PM
Good Advice!  -  Hormone Hostage

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other.


DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.


DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.


DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.


DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.


DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

Pass this onto all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh! Or men who need a warning! And remember: Money talks...but chocolate sings.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Warrior For Christ on April 21, 2004, 01:32:43 PM
Texas Doctor Stories...
>
> Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries
> that they had performed.One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas.
A
> concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8
> months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
>
> One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs  in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."
>
> The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's butt and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on April 21, 2004, 06:46:10 PM
Oklahoma Howdy to Warrior For Christ,

 ;D   ;D  Thanks - I needed that laugh. I would say that the 3rd surgeon did a terrific job.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: ollie on May 05, 2004, 09:58:52 AM
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up
first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking
around here and you should do it, because that is your
job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it
is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New
Testament and showed him at the top of several pages,
that it indeed says..........

"HEBREWS"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 05, 2004, 06:20:09 PM
 ;D  ;D  Thanks Brother Ollie - I needed that laugh!

Now, I have a sudden urge for coffee.

Love In Christ,
Tom


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 09, 2004, 12:00:35 AM
A little bit of Church humor........

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

========

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

========

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

========

"Somebody has well said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

========

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block
10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation." ;D

========

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"

His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"

The son replied, "I do know!"

"Okay, said his father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?"

"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"

========

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
A little Church humour


"Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.

========

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, after the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

===========
Go in peace with God
DW


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 09, 2004, 02:00:37 PM
 ;D  Thanks Dreamweaver - I needed those laughs.

I think that I have some more saved from email. I'll have to find them and return the favor.

Love In Christ,
Tom


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 10, 2004, 03:37:52 AM
I also have some more from e-mails but, I don't remember what I titled them. :eek:


Title: Why BEP retired.....
Post by: sincereheart on May 10, 2004, 07:52:50 AM
Oops.....

Blackeyedpeas stopped a woman for a minor traffic violation.

After examining her driver's license in silence for a moment he
said, "You know something, this is one of the finest, most
realistic pictures I've ever seen. I'm glad to see you aren't one of those vain women who have their photos retouched to remove all the lines in their face."

"Officer," she replied icily, "you are looking at my thumbprint."
 :-X


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shylynne on May 10, 2004, 08:08:02 AM
oh she`s a mean one...sister grinch  :-X




LOL!  :-X


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 11, 2004, 11:35:47 PM
oh she`s a mean one...sister grinch  :-X




LOL!  :-X
I'll say :D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 13, 2004, 10:15:03 AM
POLICE DOG

A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper which read: "Purebred Police Dog $25."

Thinking that to be a great bargain, she called and ordered the dog to be delivered.

The next day a van arrived at her home and delivered the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.

In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad, "How dare you call that mangy-mutt a purebred police dog?"

"Don't let his looks deceive you, ma'am," the man replied, "He's in the Secret Service."

 ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 13, 2004, 10:18:53 AM
WARNING TICKET

"How long have you been driving without a tail light, buddy?" demanded the policeman.

The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a low moan. His distress was so great that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.

"Aw, come now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."

"It isn't?" cried the motorist. "What happened to my boat and trailer?"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Joyfuldove222 on May 13, 2004, 10:41:37 AM
This topic is great!  Thanks for starting!  Oooops!  I am a woman.  Gotta go now before I get kicked out of here.  :-)


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 13, 2004, 04:28:03 PM
This is a true story, of what happened when I got pulled over.
Driving along, I was pulled over, the cop wanted to see my lic, ins, and registation. I handed it all over to the cop.

He told me I was being pulled over for speeding, 5 miles over the speed limit. I hit the steering wheel in fustration. The cop looked at me while I said, "Stupid truck, you are always getting me in trouble."  The cop asked me to get out, and pointede to the left tire, it went flat.

The cop handed me back everything and told me to have a nice day. He got back into the car and waved as he drove away. Mean while I had a flat tire to fix. The bad thing was

I had just bought the tires earlier that DAY!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 14, 2004, 10:42:15 AM
Oklahoma Howdy to JoyfulDove222 and DreamWeaver,

JoyfulDove222 - We must have little raiding parties back and forth between the men's and women's areas just to keep everyone on their toes.   ;D

DreamWeaver - I'm wondering if the police officer stopped you to tell you about the tire. Five mph over the speed limit would really be nit-picking. Officers could wear themselves out dealing with 15+ over the limit.

__________________________

QUICK WIT

A woman was caught for speeding and told to pull over to the side of the road.

Realizing she didn't have her seat belt on, as soon as she stopped she quickly buckled up before the officer reached her window.

After lecturing her about speeding, the cop said, "I noticed you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?"

"Most definitely, officer," she replied.

"I see," said the cop, "and do you always wear it looped through the steering wheel?"

 ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 14, 2004, 10:45:52 AM
TRAFFIC STOP

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. (It was valid).

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. (The driver owned the car).

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. (Trunk is opened; no body).

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Oh Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!!!!
 ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 14, 2004, 01:22:02 PM


DreamWeaver - I'm wondering if the police officer stopped you to tell you about the tire. Five mph over the speed limit would really be nit-picking. Officers could wear themselves out dealing with 15+ over the limit.

This happened in 1977 in Georgia, while I was traveling through the state.
I lived in Arizona, had a California D.L. and was living at the time in Texas. :D
Or the cop didn't want to deal with the paper work. :D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 14, 2004, 10:37:20 PM
A WHO DONE IT?

A workman was killed at a construction site.

The police began questioning a number of the other workers.
Based with past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects.

The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged.

The carpenter who thought he was a stud was once arrested for murder but was never nailed.

The window glazier went to great panes to conceal his past.

The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.

The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor is known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.

The mason gets stoned regularly and his alibi is as solid as a rock.

The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter.

So who did it?

The window glazier. But he claims he was framed.

 ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 14, 2004, 10:43:19 PM
Illegal Turn

A father in a hurry, taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light, where it wasn't allowed.

"Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!", he said.

"That's OK, Dad," his son replied. "The police car right behind us did the same thing."

 ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 15, 2004, 03:57:55 AM
OUCH, THAT SMARTS!!

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty
surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in
his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down
the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen
hopping and jumping around with an explosion taking place inside his
pants," said police spokesman Mike Carey. Police have the man's
charred trousers in custody.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 15, 2004, 03:59:53 AM
I can't do that

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube." The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really
bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then, we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 15, 2004, 04:01:27 AM
This one may bother someone. :eek:
I think it is funny. ;D




The U.S. Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of Senator  Hillary Clinton to honor her achievements as First Lady of our nation.   In daily use it was shown that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.   This enraged Senator Clinton, who demanded a full investigation.   After months of testing, a special presidential commission made the following findings:

l. The stamp was in perfect order.
2. There was nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.
3. People were spitting on the wrong side.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 15, 2004, 05:04:53 PM
Oklahoma Howdy to Dreamweaver,

 ;D   ;D  The exploding paint dye joke was my favorite. Thanks, I needed those laughs.
________________________

The Motorcycle Cop I Met The Other Day

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked-geek.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires! So I called him a horse's behind.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first... then started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care, my car was parked around the corner.

 ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 15, 2004, 05:15:18 PM
IT'S OK, COME ON HOME!

A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him.

"Yes," she replied readily. 'Tell him Mother didn't come after all."

 ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 16, 2004, 12:02:23 AM
True story;

While in elem. school. My teacher told us we were going to have a test this day, (suprise test) she told us it would be 75% of our grade.
She handed out papers to all of us, and told us it is also a timed test. Everyone of us groaned.  We could see parts of the test. She went to the black board, Pull up the map covering the test.

Erased in the middle she had written..........................


April fools........

She got each of us that day. :P


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 16, 2004, 12:12:17 AM
Air Conditioning

A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, walking back and forth and never once getting angry. So finally, a second customer asked why didn't they just throw out the pest.

"Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 16, 2004, 12:13:39 AM
Coke Please

I've always ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke, please."
Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work. Waitresses now often respond, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb."

Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I'd make life easier. So one day I simply asked the snack bar clerk at a movie theater for a "dark, carbonated beverage."

The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, "Sir, would you like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 16, 2004, 12:15:19 AM
Dead Mouse in The Hot Chile

A guy sits down in a Cafe' and asks for the hot chile.
The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full.
He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."
He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 16, 2004, 12:21:15 AM
Thermos

A cop walks into Dunkin' Donuts. He says, "Excuse me, miss...how many cups of coffee do you think this thermos will hold?" She says, "I think it's a seven-cup thermos." He says, "All right.......give me two black, three cream and sugar."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 16, 2004, 08:44:31 AM
 ;D   ;D   ;D

_______________________

A cop stopped a drunk at about dawn.

The cop asked, "Can you explain why you're out at this hour?"

"If I could," the drunk said, "I'd be home by now!"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 16, 2004, 08:48:17 AM
K-9 Unit

A blonde returned home from work and was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She called the police immediately to report the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out onto the porch. The sight of the cop and his dog made her shudder. She put her face in her hands as she sat down on the steps and began moaning.

"What's the moaning all about, ma'am?" asked the officer.

The blonde replied, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen, so I call the police for help, and what do they do?

They send me a blind policeman!"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 16, 2004, 08:51:19 AM
Pullover!!!

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.

Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!"

"NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: michael_legna on May 17, 2004, 04:10:34 PM

Quote
Dead Mouse in The Hot Chile

Since you told that one I guess I can tell this one.

A wino comes into a bar bothering everyone for a drink and finally the bartender is tired of it and to get rid of the guy says he can have a free drink if he drinks what is in the spitoon.

Discussed but thisty the wino picks up the spitoon and begins to chug.  Glug, Glug Glug, he goes and the bar tender seeing it is going badly, disturbing the customers more than the wino, decides to call a halt to it.  

Ok you proved your point you can have a free drink. he says.

Still on and on the wino goes Glug Glug Glug and soon customers are leaving it is so disgusting.

Please the bartender moans stop.  You can have free frinks the rest of the night - just stop.

Still on and on the wino goes Glug Glug Glug and soon it is just the barkeep and the wino left everyone else having long fled the scene.

Finally the wino stops and sets the spitoon down and wipes his lips.

Why didn't you stop when I told you you could the bartender asks.  

I couldn't the winos says -

It was all in one string.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 17, 2004, 05:01:40 PM
 ;D  YUK!!!
_____________________

New Recruit

Police Chief: As a recruit, you'll be faced with some difficult issues. What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?

New Recruit: Call for backup!



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 17, 2004, 05:04:36 PM
Nobody Listens Anymore

The Judge said to the defendant. "I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again."

"Your Honor," the criminal said, "that's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen."  (Groaner)   ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 17, 2004, 05:08:33 PM
Sherlock Holmes and The Camping Trip

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent." (Groaner)   ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 18, 2004, 02:42:46 AM
Censorship: A Question of Irony?

So, I was looking through the Prelinger Video Archives collection of 1940 through 1960's "Social Guidance" and other educational films. While most are good today only for a laugh, there are some relevant even today. (I'd like the Bush White House to all be tied to their seats to watch the cautionary piece on "Despotism.") Most films are downloadable in several video formats.
However, I was a bit disconcerted at the message I found when I checked the listing for "Censorship: A Question of Judgement?":

<hxxp://ggg.archive.org/movies/details-db.php?collection=prelinger&collecti onid=19437>


"This movie is currently unavailable for download because it cannot be located on our servers.  We apologize for the inconvenience and hope to have access to this movie restored as soon as possible."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 18, 2004, 02:45:15 AM
The Test

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 18, 2004, 02:46:38 AM
Actual Directions

These are actual directions found on certain products around the
world!


1. Directions found on a bag of frito corn chips.
   "You could be a winner!!! No purchase neccessary!!! Details
   inside!"
   you think to your self (Shoplifters special)

2. On Tesco's Tiramisu Desert (directions on bottom)
   "Do not turn upsod down"
   (Too late)

3. On Marks & Spncers Bread Pudding.
   "Product will be hot after heating"
   (Just as day follows night)

4. On most kinds of christmas lights.
   "Indoor and outdoor uses ONLY"
   (As opposed to what now?)

5. On Sainsbury's peanuts.
   "WARNING CONTAINS NUTS!!!"
   (Talk about your news flash)

6. Found on an American Airlines Packet of peanuts.
   "Step One: Open packet. Step two: Eat nuts."
   You think to your self (Step three: Fly Delta)

7. On a sweedish chinsaw.
   "Warning! PLease do not try to stop with hands or
   genitals!!"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 18, 2004, 02:49:16 AM
Three Wishes Each for a Bear and a Rabbit

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both
three wishes. Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the
bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and Immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all
the bears in the next forest were female as well."

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I
wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that
the bear was gay."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 18, 2004, 02:49:58 AM
A Louisiana Ghost Story

This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunder storm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly crept toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door, only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel. The car slowly started moving and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and beg for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into the bayou and he would surely drown, when just before the curve, a hand appeared thru the driver's window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth and not just some drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, "Look Boudreaux, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we was pushin it in the rain."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 18, 2004, 02:51:44 AM
The Cat Clock
There are two friends at a bar late one night. One holds a cat
everywhere he goes. he never wears a watch. The friend finally asks him, "What's with the cat?" The man responds, "I use it to tell time." As the two are leaving the bar, the second man is pondering how this is possible. He finally asks his friend, puzzled, "So how does it tell time?" The man gives the cat a hard squeeze around its middle. The cat lets out a long meow, very loud. Down the street, a woman opens her window to yell, "What's with all the racket? It's one in the morning!!!"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 18, 2004, 02:54:08 AM
Shakespeare's Hokey Pokey

O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.


Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke,
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from Heavens yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.


The Hoke, the poke--banish now thy doubt
Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.


Blackeyepeas,
I know you remember the "Hokey Pokey." ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 18, 2004, 03:41:15 AM
Quote
Dreamweaver Said:

Blackeyepeas,
I know you remember the "Hokey Pokey."  

 ;D   ;D  Yes, but mine was the Dead Sea Scrolls version. Shakespeare was a new guy who caused lots of trouble.
___________________________

Take my wife, please!
By the late, great Henny Youngman.


A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here."
"Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife."
"So you're single?"
__________

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
__________

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
__________

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week,  we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food..... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
__________

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
__________

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
__________

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?
" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!"
I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
__________

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
__________

My wife has a black belt in shopping.
__________

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
__________

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.
__________

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down! So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.
__________

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.
__________

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night.  Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
__________

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"
__________

My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.
__________

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
__________

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree!
__________

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
__________

She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
__________

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"
__________

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.
__________

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.
__________

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 18, 2004, 03:44:05 AM
Wife Control

There were three blokes talking in the pub.  Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third bloke remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you.  Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.""

The first two blokes were amazed.  "What happened then?" they asked.

"She said, 'GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!'."   ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 18, 2004, 03:46:06 AM
Problem With Euphemisms

A little boy walks into the living room where his parents are entertaining a large gathering of their friends and loudly announces, "Mommy, I have to poop!"

The mother takes the boy to the bathroom and says, "Now, Billy, the next time you have to go to the bathroom , say, 'Mommy, I have to whisper.'"

"Okay," says the boy.

That night little Billy wakes up at 3:00 AM and goes to his parents' bedroom where they are sound asleep.

He goes up to his mother and says, "Mommy, I have to whisper."

The mother drowsily replies, "I'm too tired now.  Go whisper in Daddy's ear.   ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 18, 2004, 03:50:22 AM
BUBBA AND CLEM

Bubba and Clem found three hand grenades and they decided that they better take them to the police station.

"What if one of them explodes before we get there?" asks Clem.

"Don't worry about it," says Bubba. "We'll just lie and tell them we only found two."  (Groan)   ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 18, 2004, 04:00:20 AM
SERIAL KILLER

Two police officers respond to a crime scene behind a grocery store. The homicide detective is already there.

"What happened?" asks the first officer.

"Male, about twenty-five, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a doornail."

"Good grief," says the second officer. "Didn't we have one covered in Frosted Flakes yesterday? And Captain Crunch last week?"

"You're right" said the detective, "I'm afraid this is the work of a cereal killer."  (Old Groaner)   ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: michael_legna on May 18, 2004, 01:13:17 PM
The top brass of the different branches of the military were all arguing about which group had the most guts.

The Army General said he could prove his claim and called a private over.  Private he bellowed, take your bayonet off your rife and stab yourself in the thigh.

Yes Sir the private answered and quick as a wink they were hauling him off tot he infirmary.

Now that takes guts the General beamed.

That's nothign the Marine General says.  Private he yells calling over a Marine fresh from basic.  Shoot your big toe off he orders and quick as a wink the order is carried out.

Now that takes guts the General says smiling.

The Air Force Colonel just laughs.  That's nothing - watch this.  Grabbing a microphone he orders a pilot over head to crash his plane and sure enough his orders are carried out.

Now that takes guts he says defiantly.

All eyes turn to the Navy Admiral who is just sitting there smirking.  

Those were nothing he says and yells up to a sailor on the mast of the carrier.  Sailor jump he orders.

The sailor yells down - DROP DEAD!

The Admiral turns to the other brass and says...

Now that takes guts.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 19, 2004, 01:53:24 AM
Quote
Dreamweaver Said:

Blackeyepeas,
I know you remember the "Hokey Pokey."  

 ;D   ;D  Yes, but mine was the Dead Sea Scrolls version. Shakespeare was a new guy who caused lots of trouble.
Its always difficult to bring sad news, but I thought you should
know:

Today, there was a great loss in the entertainment world.  The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died.

What was really horrible was that they had trouble keeping his
body in the casket.

They'd put his left leg in and... well, you know the rest.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 19, 2004, 01:54:42 AM
Feel better now

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.

She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me ... the whole world hates me!"

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 19, 2004, 01:55:31 AM
What is the time?

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"

The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."

The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 19, 2004, 01:56:22 AM
Psychiatrist phone

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

If you are anal retentive, please hold.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 19, 2004, 01:57:55 AM
Finish the start

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.

So far today, I have finished two bags of chips, a quart of choclate chip Ice cream, and a chocolate cake .

I feel better already.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 19, 2004, 01:58:48 AM
A mental hospital

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 19, 2004, 01:59:34 AM
Letter to a shrink

Dear Shrink, :D

It haunted me for days, weeks, months, years. I couldn’t sleep at night. The sleep I got was full of nightmares and visions.

I fought bout after bout, fight after fight, with plagues of depression and insomnia; paranoia! Just the thought vexed me night after night, day after day.

I served stints in mental institutions, was even suicidal. Not even the normal 1-2 punch of Prozac and Zoloft would help.

Who would think that such a terrible and utterly disgusting act of cruelty and injustice could exist? Exist here in the United States of America, the land of the free the home of the Braves?

I could see a terrible wrong like this happening in third world anarchies, but here? The only place in the world where you can buy a six piece chicken McNugget and redeem 250 UPC symbols for a blue, red, and white basketball all on the same day!

I can still hear their merciless, nerve wrecking, voices; taunting him. They kept shrieking over and over that horrid little phrase, "Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids."

Why couldn’t they just give the innocent, little, white rabbit some cereal? Why? Does the fact that he is a rabbit automatically deprive him of the democratic and patriotic notion, the freedom, of eating cereal?

I can vaguely recollect the times when he was this close to getting some of that, that CEREAL.

There was the time when he dressed as a human and went to that secret meeting but was given away by the exposure of his fluffy white tail (I am still wondering how they accepted the ears).

Then there was the time he went to space and ancient times and even the jungle, but to no avail. You cannot even imagine the rabbits pain.

There are times when you don’t get what you want but you survive; now think of the rabbit. Over 50 YEARS of chasing his only hearts desire, the reason he lives, and NEVER getting it.

Can you even begin to understand his pain, his utter grief? He is such a funny little rabbit, not silly, as those demonic little children accuse him of being.

Despite all his efforts he never got any cereal; not even when the flavor berry-blue was added to the ever-so-popular flavors of orange. Cherry. Grape. Lemon. Lime. WHY?

Those heartless little children had so much cereal and they wouldn’t share. Even one little spoonful would have satisfied my little white friend’s craving for those delicious six flavors. But no!

"Trix aren’t for rabbits. Trix are for kids. Oh! The unbearable agonizing pain it has cost me. That one simple phrase "silly rabbit, Trix are for kids."

For the fourteen antagonizing years of my short but cruel life I have watched helplessly as those evil little children refused to share. I’ve seen the pain in his eyes grow from when he was a black and white toon to the five-color symbol of melancholy, infinite sadness he is now.

No More! In a matter of moments I will be taken up into the ship following the glorious Hale-Bopp and with the help of some friends I. WILL. FEED. THE. RABBIT! Feed him to his hearts desire so he can finally enjoy the pleasure of the orange, cherry, grape, lemon, lime, and new wildberry blue.

I can’t wait to see the look on their moronic little faces as I feed the rabbit! He will be happy as I, when I give Trix to the rabbit and kill the kids! Who’s with me?

Sianara,

You Know Who

P.S. If you happen to find 496 Trix cereal tops and over 2,546 Betty Cocker points. You will know that I haven’t failed. Oh yeah, trade them in for a 7’ by 4’ by 2’ life size replica of the Trix Rabbit.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 19, 2004, 02:00:20 AM
Upset is unhealthy


The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly."

On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"

"Yes," the boy's mother answered.

"And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked.

"Who cares?" the mother replied.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 19, 2004, 02:01:03 AM
Solving a problem

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 19, 2004, 02:01:31 AM
Fixing an ailment


In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave. This year the two lucky patients were Patty and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for her questioning.

When Patty came into the office, she was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor. "Patty, you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin. Patty nodded, and the doctor began to question her.

The first question was this: "Patty, if I was to poke out one of your eyes, what would happen?" "I would be half blind of course," Patty answered without much thought. "What would happen if I poked out the other eye?" "I would be completely blind," said Patty knowing that she had just gotten her freedom. The doctor then sent her outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike's files.

When Patty got into the waiting room however, she told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were. The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty. "Mike, the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?" "I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told.

This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking. "Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?" "I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.

But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, "Me hat would fall down over me eyes."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 19, 2004, 10:34:15 AM
 ;D   ;D   ;D  Dreamweaver, I wondered where you were going with the hokey pokey.  And, now, it must be shrink day.

_______________________
The Golfer

A murder has been committed.

Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground.

The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?"

"Yes."

"Did you hit her with that golf club?"

"Yes. Yes, I did," the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head.

"How many times did you hit her?"

"I don't know. Five...six ...put me down for a five."   ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 19, 2004, 10:35:59 AM
REPEAT SERVICE

A police officer pulled a young woman over for speeding and politely asked to see her license.

"Why don't you cops get your act together," she said in a huff. "Yesterday you take my license away, and now today you expect me to show it to you!"   ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 19, 2004, 10:38:27 AM
THE PISTOL RANGE

Ernie, not the brightest rookie at the police academy, was at the pistol range. He was given some instruction, a pistol, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target.

The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

Ernie looked at his weapon and then at the target again. He looked at the pistol again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the gun barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.

The end of his finger was blown off, where upon he yelled toward the target area: "It's leaving here just fine. The trouble must be at your end!"  (Old Groaner)   ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 19, 2004, 10:42:29 AM
COPS AND KIDS

It was the end of the day when the officer parked his police van in front of the station.

As he was gathering his equipment, his K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and it was then that the officer spotted the little red haired boy staring at him.

"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.

"It sure is," the policeman replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at the officer and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"   ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 19, 2004, 10:50:33 AM
What did the policeman say to his belly button?
You're under a vest!

Get it???   ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 20, 2004, 01:21:25 AM
Dr. Jones goes to the retirement home for his monthly rounds. He sees Joe and asks him, "Joe, how much is three times three?" Joe responds "59." He goes over to Tom and asks, "Tom, how much is three times three?" Tom responds, "Wednesday." He finally goes over to John and asks, "John, how much is three times three?" "NINE" replies John. "That's right ...now how did you come to that answer?" "It was easy...I just subtracted 59 from Wednesday!"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 20, 2004, 01:23:24 AM
What do you call 2 orthopedic doctors reading an EKG?
A double blind study!!!!

I know arggggggggg!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I broke my arm in two places!
Doctor: Stay out of them places!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the latest birth control pill for men?
You take it the day after. It changes your blood type.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 20, 2004, 01:24:46 AM
A woman in her 90's is distraught after the death of her warm, caring, faithful husband of seventy years. She can't live without him and decides that the best way to do herself in is to stab herself in her pitifully broken heart. Still, she doesn't want to linger so she calls a doctor to find out exactly where the heart is.

He tells her to put her first two fingers together, hold them horizontally and place the tip of the first finger just below her left nipple. The heart, he says, is immediately below the first knuckle on her second finger.

Later that day, the doctor is called to the emergency room to put fourteen stitches in the elderly woman's left thigh.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 20, 2004, 01:27:39 AM
After receiving his medication from the pharmacist, the customer asks, "are these time release pills?"
The pharmacist replies, "Yes. They begin to work after your check clears."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you hear about the baby born in the high tech delivery room?
It was cordless!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dr. to patient: "Well, Mrs. Jones, I'm afraid you're not quite as sick as we'd hoped."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery: Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a simple yes or no answer.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 20, 2004, 01:28:10 AM
Late one night the doctor's wife was home alone, after her husband had been called to the hospital for an emergency. The doorbell rings, and she answers.

"Is the doctor at home?" asks the man at the door, in a very hoarse and quiet voice due to his aching throat.

"No, c'mon in!" whispers the doctor's wife in return.



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 20, 2004, 01:29:45 AM
A physician passed away and was being screened for the destination of his soul's eternal afterlife. Unfortunately, he'd been a bit of a lout, a quack, and greedy to boot, so he wasn't quite certain what to expect.
Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter greeted him, and informed the Doctor that he would be allowed to choose from one of the doors before him, but that because of his greed and misdeeds he may find the choices rather hellish. Upon opening door #1, he witnessed fire and brimstone of truly Biblical proportions, a horrifying sight, and quickly closed it. Upon viewing the spectacle behind door #2, he was even more horrified to observe various tortured souls ravaged by plague, disease and other maladies to terrible to mention, while an evil guard stood watch. With trepidation he opened Door #3 to discover therein groups of white-coated male physicians, being waited on hand and foot by beautiful young women dressed in little more than nursing caps! He rushed excitedly back to saint Peter and proclaimed, "I'll take door #3!" "Oh, no, I'm afraid that's not possible," exclaimed Saint Peter. "That's NURSES' Hell!"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 20, 2004, 01:30:23 AM
THIS WON'T HURT A BIT: E.J. Mallory, an American Army dentist assigned to occupied Japan after World War II, was asked to make a set of dentures for Gen. Hideki Tojo, who was imprisoned awaiting trial for war crimes. Mallory, knowing who the dentures were for, inscribed a Morse code message into the false teeth of the man who approved the surprise attack on Hawaii that brought the U.S. into the war: "Remember Pearl Harbor". Mallory said recently the gag "wasn't anything done in anger. It's just that not many people had the chance to get those words into his mouth." A ham radio operator, Mallory used code instead of block letters to keep the message hidden. But the secret leaked out within weeks, and Mallory had to wake Tojo in the middle of the night to remove the phrase. The next morning, when an officer demanded to know "Is there any truth in this report that `Remember Pearl Harbor' is inscribed in the dentures?", Mallory was able to truthfully answer, "No Sir!" (AP) ...He took the words right out of my mouth.



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 20, 2004, 01:33:02 AM
The Nineteenth Hole

Three physicians are out golfing - then, a sudden storm, a bolt of lightning, choir music in the background: you know the routine.

St. Peter says to the first of the trio: "You know the routine. Let's hear what you did with your life."

The first one says: "Uh, well, I graduated second in my class from Yale, and decided to devote my career to the prevention of lazy-eye blindness in children. I've written more than twenty papers on the subject, have lectured at every medical society in the world, and was awarded the Nobel prize for medicine in recognition of my contributions, small as they were."

Peter looks at him and says: "Hell, I don't even need to call on you, I read some of your lectures myself. You're in!"

Sound of trumpets, gates open, angels carry him inside. "See you guys at the nineteenth hole!" he yells over his shoulder.

Peter says to the second of the trio: "OK, you're next. You know the routine. Let's hear what you did with your life."

Number two clears his throat and speaks quietly: "I, uh, didn't have the illustrious career of my fellow, but I can honestly say that I lived a good and productive life, and that I never cheated anybody or bent the rules to make my job easier. Come to think of it, I should also mention that I've spent one day a month at the free clinic for the past twenty-three years, helping to assure proper neo-natal and pre-natal care for disadvantaged mothers and children."

Peter looks at him and says: "Hmmm..." He picks up the gold plated telephone, says "Yes, sir", and listens for a moment: then nods, puts the phone down and says "The boss says the free clinic counts for a lot, and he'll let you slide on the affair with what's-his-name's secretary: you're in, too."

Sound of trumpets, yadda yadda, same routine. "See you at the nineteenth hole!" he yells over his shoulder.

"OK", says the Archangel, "third ones the charm. How about you?"

The last doctor straightens his back, looks him in the eye and speaks: "I realized very early on that my expertise was as a people manager, and I've made a solid career by forging proactive alliances between doctors, nurses, patients, and other health care professionals. I managed the Wall street Community Health Plan for seventeen years, and during my stay I formed the first Tiger teams in health care management, combining professionals from all areas of expertise to contain health care costs and establish realistic levels of care and service on a going forward basis. During my tenure at WCHP, the average cost of care per patient declined over sixty-four percent."

Saint Peter raises an eyebrow, and then the phone chimes: he lifts it slowly. "Yes, sir. Yes, sir, sixty-four percent". After a moment more, he smiles, and says "of course, sir, that's very fair."

"The boss says you can come in, too", he tells the much-relieved executive.

The gates slide open, the trumpets blare, the angels come out, and then Peter intones:

"Oh, by the way - the head guy only authorized a two-day stay."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 20, 2004, 01:35:03 AM
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?

Nurse: No change yet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.

Doctor: How do you feel?

Patient: A little down in the mouth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up a point or more?

Doctor: Sell!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?

Doctor: A shoebox.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Patient walks into a doctor's office.

Patient: Doctor, people ignore me.

Doctor: Next!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Doctor: D id you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory?

Patient: What pills?


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 20, 2004, 08:34:33 PM
 ;D   ;D   ;D - Dreamweaver, I needed those laughs.
______________________

My Wife:

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 20, 2004, 08:37:57 PM
New Baby:

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 21, 2004, 01:51:59 AM
Sleeping at Work
Here are the twenty five best responses if found asleep at your desk!

25. "Oh, Man! Come in at 6 in the morning and look what happens!"

24. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

23. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"

22. "You don't discriminate against those with Latient Atrophy Zymosis Yeast syndrome, do you?!"

21. "Gee, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."

20. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

19. "Oh, hi, I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands."

18. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

17. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper."

16. "I was just meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

15. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

14. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance."

13. "I'm doing the "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."

12. "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"

11. "This is a highly specific Yoga position to relieve work-related stress."

10. "Just pacing myself for the all-nighter tonight!"

9. "I was working smarter-not harder."

8. "Auggh! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

7. "I'm in the management training program."

6. "The coffee machine is broken."

5. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"

2. "Its okay. I'm still billing the client."

1. "... and I especially want to thank you for my excellent boss. Amen."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 21, 2004, 01:53:39 AM
Yes 2 sleeping on the job................



Sleeping on the job
Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"

12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"

9. "Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.

8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."

7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

6. "The coffee machine is broken...."

5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"

2. "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."

AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

"Amen"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 21, 2004, 01:54:52 AM
What happens when people of different occupations get old.

- Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.

- Old actors never die, they just drop apart.

- Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.

- Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.

- Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.

- Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.

- Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.

- Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.

- Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.

- Old cashiers never die, they just check out.

- Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.

- Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.

- Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.

- Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.

- Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.

- Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.

- Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.

- Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.

- Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.

- Old garagemen never die, they just retire.

- Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.

- Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.

- Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.

- Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 21, 2004, 01:55:43 AM
What happens when people of different occupations get old.

- Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.

- Old investors never die, they just roll over.

- Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.

- Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.

- Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.

- Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.

- Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.

- Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.

- Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.

- Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor...

- Old musicians never die, they just get played out.

- Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.

- Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.

- Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.

- Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.

- Old perfessers never die, they just lose their class.

- Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.

- Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.

- Old policemen never die, they just cop out.

- Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on....

- Old printers never die, they're just not the type.

- Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.

- Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.

- Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.

- Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.

- Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.

- Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.

- Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.

- Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.

- Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.

- Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.

- Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.

- Old students never die, they just get degraded.

- Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.

- Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.

- Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.

- Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.

- Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 21, 2004, 01:56:42 AM
Photographer works
There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townfolk - the ghost which `lived' there was feared by all.

However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. He told the ghost "I mean no harm - I just want your photograph". The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines - he posed for a number of ghostly shots.

The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.

So what's the moral of the story?

The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 21, 2004, 01:57:22 AM
Mistakes on a resume
These are from actual resumes:

"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs.

"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."

"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."

"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

"Number of dependents: 40."

"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."

RESUME BLOOPERS

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

"Responsibility makes me nervous."

"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."

REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:

"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."

"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."

"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."

"I'm a rabid typist."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 21, 2004, 01:58:01 AM
Play the Office Game
Here's a way to spice up your office. Pick two or three colleagues and agree to play the Office Game which awards points as follows:

ONE POINT

Run one lap around the office at top speed. Walk sideways to the photocopier.

Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

When they're not looking, pour most of someone's fresh cup of coffee into your mug leaving them with an inch of brew.

Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

THREE-POINTS

Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it." - Double points if you do this to a manager.

Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.

Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE POINTS

At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.

Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".

After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.

While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.

In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!"

In a colleague's diary, write in 10 am: "See how I look in tights".

Carry your laptop over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"

Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now"

Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it"

Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc.) during a very important conference call.

Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, "not now" and walk away.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 21, 2004, 01:58:49 AM
TO: ALL PERSONNEL
FROM: ACCOUNTING

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time.

Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.

The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.

Thank you,
Accounting

Attached: Extended Job-Code List
Code and Explanation
5316 Useless Meeting

5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting

5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting

5319 Waiting for Break

5320 Waiting for Lunch

5321 Waiting for End of Day

5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker

5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present

5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend

5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning

5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid

5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You

5481 Buying Snack

5482 Eating Snack

5500 Filling Out Timesheet

5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries

5502 Waiting for Something to Happen

5503 Scratching Yourself

5504 Sleeping

5510 Feeling Bored

5511 Feeling Horny

5600 Complaining About Lousy Job

5601 Complaining About Low Pay

5602 Complaining About Long Hours

5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)

5604 Complaining About Boss

5605 Complaining About Personal Problems

5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining

5701 Not Actually Present At Job

5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu

6102 Ordering Out

6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive

6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food

6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit

6201 Stealing Company Goods

6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods

6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls

6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods

6205 Hiding from Boss

6206 Gossip

6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)

6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself

6211 Updating Resume

6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter

6213 Out of Office on Interview

6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching

6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job

6223 Pretending You Like Coworker

6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks

6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing

6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl

6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)

6602 Complaining

6603 Writing a Book on Company Time

6611 Staring Into Space

6612 Staring At Computer Screen

6615 Transcendental Meditation

7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)

7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone

7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone

7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone

7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone

7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone

7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone

7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone

7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone

7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone

7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity

8000 Recreational Drug Use

8001 Non-recreational Drug Use

8002 Liquid Lunch

8100 Reading e-mail


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 21, 2004, 01:59:24 AM
Evaluation comments
Dictionary of Evaluation Comments

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

AVERAGE: Not too bright.

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.

ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.

UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.

QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.

TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.

TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.

INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.

STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.

TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.

APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.

A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.

NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college.

EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.

SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.

CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.

METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.

DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.

JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.

MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.

STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.

GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward.

SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.

OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.

IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.

ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.

REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.

HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.

ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.

HAPPY: Paid too much.

WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork.

COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Annoying.

WILL GO FAR: Relative of management.

SHOULD GO FAR: Please.

USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.

VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.

USES RESOURSES WELL: Delegates everything.

DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 21, 2004, 11:29:57 PM
 ;D   ;D   ;D  Good ones Dreamweaver.

My wife just handed me a whole stack of jokes that teachers pass around, so I may have some funny stuff when I get a chance to go through it. In the meantime, I do have a couple more groaners.   :D

______________________

Shock:

The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch.

Someone dialed 911.

When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.

"It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower."
_________________________

People without kids don't have a clue about cars and nightmares.   :D  


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 21, 2004, 11:32:15 PM
Name Your Child:

There was a woman who was pregnant with twins, and shortly before they were due, she had an accident and went into a coma. Her husband was away on business, and unable to be reached. While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person around to name her children was her brother.

When the mother came out of her coma to find she had given birth and that her brother had named the twins, she became very worried, because he wasn't a very bright guy. She was sure he had named them something absurd or stupid.

When she saw her brother she asked him about the twins.

He said, "The first one was a girl."

The mother: "What did you name her?!?"

Brother: "Denise!"

The Mom: "Oh, wow, that's not bad! What about the second one?"

Brother: "The second one was a boy."

The Mom: "Oh, and what did you name him?"

Brother: "Denephew."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 21, 2004, 11:35:18 PM
Bad Bus Trip:

A woman got on a bus holding a baby.

The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 21, 2004, 11:40:55 PM
Dad Said WHAT????


10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain disrespectful attitude ... I like that.

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 22, 2004, 01:16:13 AM
You Might Be a Bad Cook If...

Your microwave display reads "TILT!" :P

You know dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.

Your dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.

Leftover crumbs make a great replacement for kitty litter.

Your kids know what exactly peas porridge in a crock pot nine days old tastes like. /Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren.

Your family seems really interested in going to that restaurant that always has trouble passing the health inspection.

If the EPA requires that all your garbage cans be marked with large bright red "biohazard" symbols.

When you BBQ two of your kids hold water guns and the third has the phone with 911 on speed-dial.



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 22, 2004, 01:16:46 AM
You Might Be a Bad Cook If...

Pest control companies keep pestering you, wanting to buy and patent your recipe for candy Christmas cookies.

The smoke alarm beeps if you even walk near the stove.

Your family buys Rolaids, Pepto Bismal, and Tums in bulk.

Your homemade bread loaf can be used as a door stop.

The last time you tried to make toast the kitchen caught on fire.

Your apple pie bubbled over and ate the enamel off the bottom of the oven.

You make tuna noodle broccoli surprise for your roommate and the surprise is that it glows in the dark!

Your tuna noodle broccoli surprise melts plastic and silverware.

You used three boxes of scouring pads, a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, but that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan!

You look in a cookbook to find out how to boil water.

You call your mother to ask how long to boil cabbage to make cole slaw.

If anyone has ever broken a tooth while eating your homemade yogurt.

The family pets are no where to be found during dinner.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 22, 2004, 01:17:35 AM
The dotty old man asked his dotty old wife to make him a hot fudge sundae. She went to the kitchen and returned with a plate of scrambled eggs. He got really upset and yelled,


"Where's my bacon?!"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 22, 2004, 01:18:49 AM
A couple had been married fifteen years. One afternoon they were working in the garden together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said, "Honey, your butt is getting big. I bet it is as big as the gas grill now." The husband, feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yardstick, measured the grill and then measured his wife's butt. "Yep, he said, "Just what I thought, just about the same size!"

The wife got very incensed and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn't speak to her husband the rest of the day. That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife, and said, "How about it honey?" How about a little lovemaking?" The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder.

"What's the matter?" he asked. She replied, "You don't think I am going to fire up this big grill for one little weenie, do you?"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 22, 2004, 01:19:25 AM
The blonde man was crying at the bar, and the bartender gave him a free drink. "What's the trouble?" asked the friendly bartender.

"I got kicked out of chef school," replied the blonde. "They said I gave them the oldest excuse in the book, and all I did was tell the truth."

"What did you say?" asked the bartender.

To which the chef student answered, "I told them my dog ate my homework."



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 22, 2004, 01:20:20 AM
Wife: The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.
Husband: Which is this?


------------------------------------------------------------

Newlywed: Do you want dinner?
Spouse: Sure, what are my choices?
Newlywed: Yes and no.


------------------------------------------------------------

"My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat."
- Rodney Dangerfield



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 22, 2004, 01:20:57 AM
This man comes home from work and his wife whines, "Honey, the dishwasher is broken." He says to her, "Who do I look like - the Whirlpool man?"

A few weeks later, the husband comes home from work and his wife whines, "Honey, the washing machine is broken." He says, "Who do I look like - the Maytag man?"

Another few weeks pass and he comes home from work and she whines, "Honey, the stove is broken." The husband answers, "Who do I look like - the Kenmore man?"

A few more weeks pass. When he comes home from work, his wife looks pretty happy. So he asks her, "What's the matter? Isn't anything broken?"

"No," she says, "Mr. Johnson from next door came over and fixed everything, and all I had to do to repay him was either bake him a cake or go to bed with him."

So what kind of a cake did you make him?" inquired the husband. To which the wife replied, "Who do I look like - Betty Crocker!?!"



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 22, 2004, 01:21:46 AM
Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing

It's the only type of cooking a real man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.

1. The woman goes to the store.

2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.

3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer / ice cold pop.

4. The man places the meat on the grill.

5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.

6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.

7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her night off. And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 22, 2004, 01:22:17 AM
This guy was watching television as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He went out to ask his wife what was for supper.

Well, his old lady was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day, looking at the babes in the tight spandex, doing their exercises. She shot back at him, "Think of me as dead and do what you would do if I was."

So, he went back into the house and fixed himself a big steak, baked potato, and a large glass of iced tea. She walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked, "So you fixed something to eat? Where is mine?" To which he replied, "I thought you were dead..."



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 22, 2004, 01:23:01 AM
According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated: "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

"Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you, it was horrible."

The bands are now marked: "Fish and Wildlife Service."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 22, 2004, 01:23:56 AM
Kitchen Plaques

1. Kitchen closed - this chick has had it!
2. Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!
3. I'm creative; you can't expect me to be neat too!
4. So this isn't Home Sweet Home... Adjust!
5. Ring Bell for Maid Service ... If no answer do it yourself!
6. I clean house every other day ... Today is the other day!
7. If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
8. I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
9. My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
10. A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
11. COOK CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
12. I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
13. If you don't like my standards of cooking ... lower your standards.
14. You may touch the dust in this house ... but please don't write in it!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 22, 2004, 01:25:37 AM
Definitions of Cooking Terms

Calorie:
Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.

Coffee (Arabian):
Thick, black, bitter coffee, traditionally served in tiny cups at gunpoint.

Microwave Oven:
Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.

Oven:
Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.

Preheat:
To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as when it is removed.

Porridge:
Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."

Recipe:
A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat the rest of.

Tongue:
A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.

Yogurt:
Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 22, 2004, 01:26:40 AM
The one thing I've learned from all my years of cooking is that it's always quietest just before the fire alarm.


-----------------------------------------------------------

A Thought: A woman who dresses to kill probably cooks the same.


------------------------------------------------------------

A baker quit making doughnuts because he got tired of the hole business.


------------------------------------------------------------

"I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time."
- Steven Wright


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 26, 2004, 05:45:14 AM
What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
Put it on my bill.

Why did the chewing gum cross the road?  
It was stuck to the leg of a chicken !!!

Question: What did the egg say to the other egg?
Ans: Let's get cracking!

What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
You are too young to smoke!

 
Q:What do you say to a cow that crosses in front of your car?
A: Mooo-ve over.

 
Why can't you play cards on a small boat?
Because someone is always sitting on the deck!

 
What did the blanket say to the bed?
Don't worry, I've got you covered!

A few groaners to start the day.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 26, 2004, 05:46:52 AM
Q: What gets bigger the more you take away?
A: A hole!

A lady gets on a train with her baby. A guy sitting across from her looks at the baby and starts laughing hysterically.
He says, "Lady, that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. It looks like a monkey. What an ugly kid."
The lady freaks out, and goes running into the next car sobbing uncontrollably. The conductor sees her and comes over to her to console her.
He says, "Lady, relax...things are going to be all right...we'll get off at the next stop, get a cup of coffee...maybe we'll even find a banana for your monkey."

Why did the rooster cross the road?      
To prove he wasn't chicken !!

What gets wet the more you dry?
A towel  !!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 26, 2004, 05:48:26 AM
A little boy asked his teacher one day, "Teacherdo you punish people for things they don't do?"
The teacher replied, "No". The little boy said, "Good, because I did not do my homework".

 
Man goes into hairdressers, he has only three hairs on his head, hairdresser says "what would you like done?" man says, "side parting please" tries that and a hair falls out, so man says, "just make it a middle parting; tries that and another hair falls out, hairdresser says sorry, man says it's ok, just leave it a mess

Why did the chicken cross the road?    
To show the raccoon it could be done !!

 

What did one volcano say to the other?
Do you lava me like I lava you?

 

Question: What has 4 wheels and flies?
Ans: garbage truck!

 
Can you answer this ?
 If one doctor doctors another doctor does the doctor who doctors the doctor doctor the doctor the way the doctor he is doctoring doctors? Or does the doctor doctor the way the doctor who doctors doctors?
     
Why do candle trimmers work so few days a week?
They only work on wick-ends!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 26, 2004, 08:14:51 PM
 ;D   ;D   ;D  Thanks Dreamweaver - I needed those laughs. I'll try to do better and return the favor. I do have several jokes put in the computer from the jokes my wife's teacher friends pass around.

________________________

Good Mental Health Is A Must (***):

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes.  When I came out there was a goofy motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.  So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.  So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi.  He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires!  I called him something related to horse exhaust.  He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't care.  My car was parked around the corner.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 26, 2004, 08:18:11 PM
A Sweet Old Lady (****):

Someone who teaches at a Middle School in Safety Harbor, Florida, forwarded the following letter.

The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.

An old lady received a new radio at the luncheons a door prize, and was writing to say thank you.  This story is a credit to all human kind.  Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today!

Dear Safety Harbor Middle School,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon.

I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged.  All of my family has passed away.  I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me.  God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.  The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces.  It was awful and she was in tears.  She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to drop dead.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,
Edna Waters


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 26, 2004, 08:19:49 PM
Pretending To Be Married (****):

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, he leans over the side and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?  I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea!!" she replies.  "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow!  That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies.  "Get your own stupid blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he had a severe exhaust problem.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 26, 2004, 08:22:38 PM
Well, the ladies will like this one. It will be time for a raiding party with them saying this one is the truth, not just a joke.   ;D
__________________________

Fine Wine (****):

Men are like fine wine.  They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the pulp out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 26, 2004, 08:26:40 PM
UM?? - I'm thinking that most of those teachers must be women.   ;D

____________________________

The Next Survivor Series (****):

Six men will be dropped on an island with:

1 car and 4 kids each for 6 weeks.

Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes.

There is no access to fast food.

Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.

The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.

There's only one TV between them and there is NO REMOTE.

The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves, either while driving or while making four lunches.

They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 AM; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker, and get a 4 year-old to eat a serving of peas.

The kids vote them off the island, based on performance.

The last man wins...........only if he has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over again for the next 18-25 years....... eventually earning the right to be called:

MOTHER


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 28, 2004, 01:24:30 AM
Farmer Joe and his Mule

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"

''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--''

''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'' By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.

''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 28, 2004, 01:27:14 AM
Deathbed Lawyer

Why was the lawyer skimming the Bible right before he died?
He was looking for loopholes!




The bad thing is, I can see some lawyers doing this.  :'(


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 28, 2004, 01:28:31 AM
Sharing

A Frenchman, an Englishman, an American man, and a lawyer were sitting on a train.
The Frenchman offered everyone some of his baguette, then threw it out the window, saying, "Don't worry - we have plenty of those where I come from."

The Englishman offered everyone a crumpet, then threw the rest out of the window, saying, "Don't worry - we have plenty of those where I come from."

Then the American threw the lawyer out the window, saying...



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 28, 2004, 01:30:19 AM
Two questions

You’re a high-priced lawyer! If I give you $500, will you answer two questions for me?".
"Absolutely! What’s the second question?"



I know.........GROAN..........


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 28, 2004, 01:32:00 AM
Dangerous Squirrels

A man, Bob, and his friend Joe went out hunting. This was Joe’s first time ever hunting, so he was following Bob’s lead. Bob saw a small herd of deer and told Joe to stay in the exact spot he was and to be quiet! After a few minutes, Bob heard a loud scream. He ran back and asked Joe what had happened. Joe said "There was this snake and he slittered across my feet, but I never screamed. Then there was this bear that came up to me and snarled, but I never screamed."
"So then what did make you scream," Bob asked, exasperated. "Well," Joe continued, "two squirells crawled up my pants and I overheard them say, "Should we take them home or eat ’em now?""   ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 28, 2004, 01:32:55 AM
Cow Pat Lip Gloss

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don’t shine. He dropped the horse’s tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."

"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin’ ’em."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 28, 2004, 01:34:58 AM
Free Drink

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What’ll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That’ll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this."
A lawyer,bartender, "You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again."
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!"
The guy says, "What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 28, 2004, 01:39:03 AM
Baseball Heaven?


There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there’s baseball in heaven?"

Soloman thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno, Abe. But let’s make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you -- and if you die first, you come back and tell me -- if there is baseball in heaven."

They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is Sol," whispers the spirit of Abe.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe says, "I got good news and I got bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That’s great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You’re pitching on Friday."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: JudgeNot on May 28, 2004, 10:49:36 PM
DW - you're killin' me here...  :D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 29, 2004, 01:31:43 AM
DW - you're killin' me here...  :D
Good here are some more...............

 Q.Why did the boy stand behind the horse?
A.He thought he might get a kick out of it!

Q.What is the difference between a horse and a duck?
A.One goes quick and the other goes quack!

 
 Q:How do you lead a horse to water?
A:With lots of carrots.

Q:What do you get when you cross a goat a donkey and a ram?
A:Simple.A nice big kick in the BBBButt.

Q: What disease do horses fear most?
A: Hay Fever!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 29, 2004, 01:33:29 AM
"Some horses are so polite that when they come to a fence, they stop and let you go over first."

What is a horses favorite T.V. show?
Neeeebours

Q: What do you call a horse wearing Venetian blinds?
A: A zebra!

Q: Why can't horses dance?
A: Because they have 2 left feet.

Q: When do vampires like horse racing?
A: When it's neck and neck.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 29, 2004, 01:34:28 AM
Q: What does it mean if you find a horse shoe?
A: Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.

Q: How long should a horse's legs be?
A: Long enough to reach the ground.

Q: What is the best type of story to tell a runaway horse?
A: A tale of WHOA

There was a famous jockey that never lost a race.When asked how he achieved this, he replied, I whisper in the horse's ear: Roses are red, violets are blue. Horses that lose are made into glue.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 29, 2004, 01:35:25 AM
I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. The other day I went horsesback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Walmart manager came and unplugged it. Thank Goodness for heroes!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 29, 2004, 01:36:25 AM
An out-of-towner accidently drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny. The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper. Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Benny didn't move. Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Benny didn't move. Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Benny just stood. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull." Benny pulled the car out of the ditch. The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 29, 2004, 01:37:11 AM
Three race horses stood in their stalls. One said to other others: "I ran 20 races and I won 15 of them!" he bragged. The next said with a snort, "Well, I ran 30 races and won 25 of them!" Then the third horse spoke up proudly, "Yeah, I ran 41 races and won 39 of them!" This seemed to settle the topic when the horses noticed a Greyhound outside their stalls. The Greyhound said, "I ran 100 races and I won 99 of them." The horses looked at each other in amazement and one gasped, "Wow!
A talking greyhound!"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 29, 2004, 01:38:43 AM
Q: What animal has more "hands" than feet?
A: Why, a horse, of course!

Q: What did one horse say to the other horse?
A: The pace is familiar but I can't remember the mane.

Q: What do you call pony with a sore throat?
A: A little hoarse.

Q: What part of the horse has the most hair?
A: The outside!!!

Q: Have you read the book, "100-mile Horse Trek"
Q: Who wrote it?
A: Major Bumsore  ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 29, 2004, 01:40:14 AM
Q: What do you give a sick horse?
A: Cough stirrup.

Q: What's a horse's favorite sport?
A: Stable Tennis

Q: Why did the horse go behind the tree?
A: To change his jockeys.

Q: What did one horse say to the other horse?
A: How's your hay fever?

Q: What do you call it when you pass a tail, ears, mane and legs?
A: A horse.

Q: A man rode into town on June 3rd, stayed a week, and rode out on June 3rd.
How is this possible?
A: His horse's name was June 3rd.

Q: How to make a small fortune in the horse industry ...
A: start with a large fortune.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 29, 2004, 01:41:08 AM
It was a sunny afternoon when Bob said to George,Hey, George, why don't we get ourselves 2 horses? We could ride them in the summer and in the winter we could put them in the paddock behind the house." George thought it was a great idea, so the next day they went out and bought themselves 2 horses. They rode them in the summer, but when winter came George got worried. He said "Hey, Bob, how are we going to tell them apart next spring?" Bob said, "Well, I'll shave the mane off mine and you shave the tail off yours." This satisfied George, so he did. The next spring when they went back to get their horses they found the horses' hair had all grown back. Alarmed, George said, "Oh great, now how are we going to tell them apart?" and Bob said, "Well, you can have the black one and I'll take the white one."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 29, 2004, 01:41:27 AM
A cowboy goes into a bar, has a beer, walks outside and finds his horse has been stolen. He walks back into the bar, fires his gun through the ceiling. "Which one of you mothers stole my hoss?" he yells. No one answers. "All right, I'm gonna have one more beer and if my hoss ain't outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas." He drinks another beer, walks outside, and his horse is back. So he gets on it and gets ready to ride out of town. The bartender walks out of the bar and asks, "Say pardner, what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turns to him, and says, "I had to bloody walk home."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 29, 2004, 02:35:53 PM
 ;D   ;D   ;D  Dreamweaver - Thanks for the laughs!

All I have to respond with is a few groaners.
__________________________

3 COPS

Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven.
God greets them and asks, "When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first cop says, "I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the force."

The second police officer says, "I would like to hear that I was a terrific cop who died in the line of duty."

The last cop replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 29, 2004, 02:38:55 PM
Permit Required

While driving home from work one day, I was eating an apple. It wasn't until I tossed the core out the window that the police car came up behind me. The officer pulled me over, and as I was getting out my license, I joked that I was helping to clean up the roadside. The core would become a home for ants, which would pick up tiny bits of litter.

I was amazed he was nodding in agreement until he said, "So let's see your building permit."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 29, 2004, 02:41:35 PM
(Old - but good)

BUBBA

Bubba was at the police station explaining to the officer why his cousin shot him.

"We wuz havin' us a real good time drinkin'," he explained, "when my cousin Billy Bob picked up his rifle and asked us fellas if we wanna go a huntin'."

"Okay," then what happened?" the officer asked.

"That's when I stood up and said, 'Sure. I'm game'!"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 29, 2004, 02:44:53 PM
THE BUST

A woman was walking down the street with her blouse open and her left breast hanging out.
A cop spotted her and walked up to her and said, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

"But why, Officer?" she asked.

"Well ma'am, because your left breast is hanging out of your blouse," he replied.

She quickly looked down and exclaimed, "Oh my, I left the baby on the bus!"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 29, 2004, 02:48:01 PM
LEROY THE PARTY ANIMAL

Leroy was spotted driving along the highway at a steady speed, when he suddenly indicated right and pulled off onto the shoulder. He quickly jumped out of the car and opened the trunk. From a large bag, he produced a party hat, streamers, a bottle of lemonade, sandwiches and a cake. After eating the food and drinking the lemonade, he launched into a little Irish jig.

The whole proceedings lasted about fifteen minutes, after which he got back in his car and drove off.
Curious, the police followed him at a distance and half an hour later, they saw him stop and repeat the whole procedure. This was too much for the officers, so they decided to check him out.

"Can we ask you the reason for all the stops and the food, drink and Irish jigs?" one of the officers asked.

"Well, sir," explained Leroy, "I'm on the company's outin'."

"But you're the only one here," argued the officer.

"Yeah, I know," replied Leroy. "I'm self-employed!"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 29, 2004, 02:52:22 PM
Ten Signs Your Partner Needs A Vacation


10. Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.

9. He is starting to develop a crush on one of the transvestite hookers he arrested.

8. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.

7. He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.

6. He talks to himself.  Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad cop".

5. He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.

4. He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.

3. The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his hemorrhoids.

2. He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.

1. He keeps handcuffing himself by accident!!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 29, 2004, 02:54:53 PM
DUI

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.

The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 29, 2004, 02:57:59 PM
(Old one but good one)

What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison?

A small medium at large.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 29, 2004, 02:59:41 PM
In Hot Pursuit

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over a 100 miles per hour.

"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"

The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."

"Oh, NOOOO!" yelled the brunette. "Are his flashers on?"

The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope...yup..."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 29, 2004, 03:02:33 PM
Bubba & Earl

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?", asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 29, 2004, 03:05:43 PM
THE WORLD'S WORST COP JOKE

Quasimodo, the demented bell ringer of Notre Dame, put an ad in the papers for a assistant bell ringer.

One man applied for the job but he had no arms.

"How are you going to assist me?" asked Quasimodo.

"That's easy!" replied the man and he ran at the bell and banged it with his head.

BONG!!!

"That's amazing!" said Quasimodo. "Could you show me that again?"

"Sure!" said the man and he ran at the bell again but he missed the swinging bell and fell out of the bell tower. A crowd huddled around the hapless man lying in the street and a police officer asked, "Does anyone know who he is?"

Quasimodo came out and said...

"I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME, BUT HIS FACE SURE RINGS A BELL!"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 30, 2004, 01:39:08 AM
Groaning at some of Black eyed peas jokes...................... ;D

Redneck Limousine
(http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/33rednecklimo231343.jpg)


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 30, 2004, 01:40:42 AM
Stolen Toilet  ;D

(http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/34Police_Nothing43414.jpg)


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 30, 2004, 01:42:51 AM
Don't Step On A Duck!

Three young women in there thirties are on a road trip and are tearing down the freeway. unfortunatley, they lose control, the car flips over the guard rail on to the opposite lanes and gets smashed by an eighteen wheeler.

Up at the pearly gates, all three of them are greeted by St. Peter. He tells them. "All of you led very good lives down on earth, so all of you will be asmitted into paradise. The only rule: DON"T STEP ON THE DUCKS."

confused, they all ask "um...what?"

St. Peter says "if you step on one duck, it quacks. if a duck quacks, other ducks will start quacking, and...well...you'll see."

With that, the gates opened and the three waltzed inside. And, sure enough, All of heaven is covered with ducks. there is almost no room to walk with the millions of ducks.

a day of careful stepping later, the first woman steps on a duck. seconds later, every single duck in heaven is quacking. it's so loud the women aren't suprised if earth could hear it. hours later, when the quacking ceased, an angel appears with a very ugly man and chains him to the lady and tells her this is her eternal punishment for the duck-stepping.

Not wanting the same fate, the other two women become very cautious for the next week, but sure enough, the second lady steps on a duck.

she gets the same punishment as the first lady.

The third lady becomes so careful that, a year-and-a-half later, she is still duck-free. then, an angel appears next to her with a very handsome man and chains him to her.

Thinking that this must be a reward for her good-doing she asks the man gleefully "What did I do to deserve this?"

And the man replies with a grimace, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 30, 2004, 01:45:28 AM
Blonde And Chimps

A blonde motorist was two hours from Sydney when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the blonde's car and asked, "Are you going to Sydney?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be delivered to Taronga Park Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you fifty dollars for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of Sydney when suddenly he was horrified. There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of the crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What the $%@ are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you fifty dollars to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but just as we arrived it looked like it was going to rain so we decided to see a movie instead."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 30, 2004, 01:47:18 AM
Gates In Hell

Shortly after Bill Gates was killed in a freak accident, he found himself being sized up by Saint Peter. "Bill, this is a tough call. You've made great technological advancements with Microsoft, but you've also given us Windows 95. I think I'm going to let you choose between Heaven and Hell."

"That sounds fair," Gates replied. "May I have a look at hell first?"

And so first Saint Peter took him to Hell.

"This is hell? Wow, look at all those gorgeous women, the ones that laughed when I asked them out on dates in high school. And look at those mansions!" exclaimed Bill.

"And see all those coders? They work 24 hours a day for free just because they really love you, Bill, and live only to please you."

"Shazam, this is all virtual, isn't it, Saint Peter?"

"Yep. With no bugs, Bill."

"If this is hell, what can heaven be like?"

(Saint Peter makes sweeping gesture) "Like this!"

"People wearing robes and playing harps while they sit on clouds? What a boring cliche. I'll take Hell!" replies, Gates.

And so two weeks later, St Peter paid a little visit.

"Hey what the hell's going on? It's nearly 200 degrees and the air is terrible. There's no food or drink. Goblins jab me in the ribs constantly. I'm crawling with vermin and weak with disease. They play the Beastie Boys at all hours, for all eternity. There are NO COMPUTERS! Where are the women, the program slaves, the virtual wonders? Where is the splendid hell you promised me?" cries Gates.

"Oh that, that was just a demo..."  ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 30, 2004, 01:48:50 AM
Karate Dog

Harold's new job had him working really late. He decides to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and asks for a doberman.

The employee said, "If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you." The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle.

Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?"

The employee says, "No, this dog is special; he knows karate."

"Karate? I don't believe it," Harold says.

The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign." And he points to a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at this.

The employee then says, "Karate the chair." And he points to a chair in the corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced.

"I'll take him," he says.

When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, "This little thing, a watch dog? No way." Harold says, "But this dog knows karate."

"Karate," she yells. "Karate my butt!"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 30, 2004, 01:50:17 AM
Golden Bar

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.

"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pee'd in your saxophone last night!"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 30, 2004, 01:51:57 AM
Catching A Tan

Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 30, 2004, 01:53:36 AM
God Will Provide

A girl has brought her fiance home for dinner. After dinner, the fiance
and the girl's father go into the study for a man to man talk.

"So, what are you doing right now?" asks the father.

"I am a theology scholar," replies the fiance.

"Do you have any plans of employment?"

"I will study and God will provide."

"What about the children?" asks the man.

"God will provide."

"And your house and car?"

"Again, God will provide," says the fiance.

After the talk, the girl's mother asks the father, "So what did you two
talk about?"

The man replies, "He has no plans of employment, but on the other hand, he thinks I'm God."



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 30, 2004, 01:55:29 AM
Hunting Trip

A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.

Finally, the uncle decided to give them a real treat. "Why don't you grab a gun, take my prized hunting dogs, and go have some fun shooting?" This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.

After a few hours, the nephew returned.

"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.

"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 30, 2004, 01:57:39 AM
Boat On Wheels

(http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/23normal_new_vehicle543525.jpg)

everything a man could want.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 30, 2004, 02:33:16 AM
(http://www.sirinet.net/~blkidps/a24.gif)

 ;D   ;D   ;D  Dreamweaver, all I have is a few more groaners. By the way, stealing toilets is a very bad thing to do to a cop.

________________________

GO AWAY

A veteran officer with 18 years is running radar on a main street of a rural town. Along comes a young driver in a brand new sports car going 48 mph in a 30 mph zone. The officer stops the young man and explains the violation.

The driver becomes belligerent telling the officer his badge did not mean a thing. The young driver tells the officer to go ahead and write the ticket because his father knows people that will make the ticket "go away".

While the officer completes the ticket the young driver continues his barrage of insults.

Without flinching the officer completes the ticket and hands the young driver his copies.

The driver looks at his copies and becomes very agitated. The driver said, "What do you think you are doing!?!  I thought you said I was doing 48 in a 30.  You wrote 88 in a 30?"

The officer, without hesitating said, "48, 88, what's the difference?  Your dad is going to make it go away anyway."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 30, 2004, 02:40:38 AM
How many cop jokes are there?



Just two, all the rest are true!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 30, 2004, 02:46:43 AM
(To my CIA, FBI, and LAPD friends - JUST A JOKE!   ;D)
________________________________

LAPD

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has the task of catching it.

The CIA goes in:

They place animal informants throughout the forest.
They question all plant and mineral witnesses.
After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.


The FBI goes in:

After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.
The rabbit had it coming.


The LAPD goes in:

They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 30, 2004, 02:51:12 AM
Can You Speak Up a Little?

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

To which the farmer replied: "What a relief, I thought I had gone deaf!"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 30, 2004, 02:54:38 AM
The Town Drunk:

A judge grew tired of seeing the same town drunk in front of his bench. One day the judge glared down at the man, who was still intoxicated, and thundered "It is the sentence of this court that you be taken from here to a place of execution and there hanged by the neck until DEAD."

The drunk promptly fainted.

The court bailiff commenced to reviving the man, and looked up at the judge, at which time the judge shrugged and responded "I've always wanted to do that."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 30, 2004, 03:00:09 AM
Irish Mike:

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.

He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Irish Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"

"That it is, "Irish Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."

"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.

"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Mike.

"Well," mused Pat, "there's a lesson in this somewhere."

"That there is," replied Irish Mike...." 'Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 30, 2004, 01:37:05 PM
(http://www.sirinet.net/~blkidps/a24.gif)

 ;D   ;D   ;D  Dreamweaver, all I have is a few more groaners. By the way, stealing toilets is a very bad thing to do to a cop.
I would never do such a thing.  ;D

Don't Step On A Duck!

Three young women in there thirties are on a road trip and are tearing down the freeway. unfortunatley, they lose control, the car flips over the guard rail on to the opposite lanes and gets smashed by an eighteen wheeler.

Up at the pearly gates, all three of them are greeted by St. Peter. He tells them. "All of you led very good lives down on earth, so all of you will be asmitted into paradise. The only rule: DON"T STEP ON THE DUCKS."

confused, they all ask "um...what?"

St. Peter says "if you step on one duck, it quacks. if a duck quacks, other ducks will start quacking, and...well...you'll see."

With that, the gates opened and the three waltzed inside. And, sure enough, All of heaven is covered with ducks. there is almost no room to walk with the millions of ducks.

a day of careful stepping later, the first woman steps on a duck. seconds later, every single duck in heaven is quacking. it's so loud the women aren't suprised if earth could hear it. hours later, when the quacking ceased, an angel appears with a very ugly man and chains him to the lady and tells her this is her eternal punishment for the duck-stepping.

Not wanting the same fate, the other two women become very cautious for the next week, but sure enough, the second lady steps on a duck.

she gets the same punishment as the first lady.

The third lady becomes so careful that, a year-and-a-half later, she is still duck-free. then, an angel appears next to her with a very handsome man and chains him to her.

Thinking that this must be a reward for her good-doing she asks the man gleefully "What did I do to deserve this?"

And the man replies with a grimace, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

I love this one out of all the jokes here.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 02, 2004, 01:27:37 AM
What are four hundred rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare line.

An infant rabbit was orphaned. Fortunately though, a family of squirrels took it in and raised it as if it were one of their own. This adoption led to some peculiar behaviors on the part of the rabbit, including a tendency for it to eschew jumping but rather to embrace running around like its step-siblings. As the rabbit passed through puberty, however, it soon faced an identity crisis (don't we all!). It went to its step-parents to discuss the problem. It allowed as to how it felt different from its step-siblings, was unsure of its place in the universe, and was generally forlorn.
Their response was, "Don't scurry, be hoppy."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 02, 2004, 01:29:06 AM
These two rabbits escape from the laboratory and see grass for the first time. Lollopy, lollopy, lollopy, lop, they bounce through the grass when they meet an older rabbit. "Hello," says the older rabbit. "Would you like to come and stay at my warren?"
"What's a warren?" ask the two rabbits.
"Don't worry," replies the older rabbit. "Come and see." So off they go and they like the tunnels and chambers of the older rabbit's warren, and decide to stay. In the morning, the two rabbits are awaken by the thumping of the older rabbit: thump thump thump. "Come on out for the cabbages," calls the older rabbit.
"What's a cabbage?" ask the two rabbits. So off they go and enjoy the day in the fields eating cabbages. They return very satisfied with their tummies full of cabbage and agree a good day was had. The following day: thump thump thump, "Come on out for the cabbages", and the same for the day after that. By the end of the third day, rabbit one says to rabbit two, "These cabbages are good but there must be more to life. Let's go and find it." Rabbit two agrees, so off they go lollopy lollopy lollopy lop across the grass. They meet a younger rabbit. "Hello," says the younger rabbit. "Why don't you come and live in my warren. I got young girly rabbits in my warren." So they agree and for three days, it was thump thump thump. By the end of the third day, rabbit one says to rabbit two, "Oh man, I gotta get out of here." "WHY?!?" asks rabbit two. "
This is the best time of our lives!" he exclaims. "Yeah," says rabbit one, "but it has been a week since I've had a cigarette."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 02, 2004, 01:31:19 AM
AP May 31, 2004 - The Energizer Bunny, known best for, "going and going and going..." passed away last evening at 12:42am.
Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced

by over-stimulation.

Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept going and going and going,...

Foul play has not been ruled out.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 02, 2004, 01:32:01 AM
A man was driving along one day and he hit a rabbit. Feeling terrible he stopped and got out of the car to see if it was badly hurt. To his dismay, the rabbit was dead. Unsure what to do, the man runs to the nearest building, wich happenes to be a salon. He says to the hair dresser, "I've just hit and killed a rabbit in the midle of the road! What should I do?" He hairstylist think a moment, then says "I think I have just the thing." He grabs a few bottles from a shelf and runs out to the rabbit. Opening the bottles, he poured the contents ono the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit jumps up, shakes itself, looks around, then hopps of. It went a few feet, then turned and waved, went a few more feet, then turned and waved again. This odd behavior continued untill the rabbit was out of sight. The man looked and the Hairdreser in amazement and says, "Wow! What did you do?" "Oh," the stylist responded, " I gave it a hair revitilisant with a wave!"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 02, 2004, 01:34:34 AM
A few Groaners.

Q: How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy?
A: Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!

This horse walks in to a bar and asks for a bit to eat!

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket.
After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and out number them?"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 02, 2004, 01:35:48 AM
A bumble bee was chasing a rabbit. Finally the bee turned around and flew away. Why?
The rabbit had two b's already.

Baby Rabbit: Mommy, where did I come from?
Mother Rabbit: I'll tell you when you're older.
Baby Rabbit: Oh, Mommy, please, tell me now.
Mother Rabbit: If you must know, you were pulled from a magician's hat.

Did you hear about the rabbit who got a job in a watch factory?
Alike did was stand around making faces.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 02, 2004, 01:36:40 AM
Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges?
He's the Easter Bungee!

Did you hear about the pub owner who raised a baby rabbit?
It was an inn-grown hare!

Did you hear about the rich rabbit?
He was a millionhare!

How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest in a group?
Look for gray hares.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 02, 2004, 01:38:06 AM
How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end?
It was won by a hare!

How did the rabbit become a wrestling champion?
It had a lot of hare pins!

How do you know when there's a rabbit in your bed?
You can smell the carrots on his breath.

How do you know when you're eating rabbit stew?
When it has hares in it.

How do you make a rabbit fast?
Don't feed it.

How do you make a rabbit stew?
Keep it waiting.

How far can a rabbit run into the woods?
Halfway. After that she's running out of the woods.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on June 02, 2004, 02:45:08 AM
 ;D   ;D  Dreamweaver - I might have a few more groaners.

______________________

(Groan)
The Tourist

A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?"

"No, I am an undercover detective."

"So why are you in uniform?"

"Today is my day off."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on June 02, 2004, 02:55:03 AM
Fill Up:

A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands.

But it also lit up her arm, too!

Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street.
A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.

When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, "My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on June 02, 2004, 03:00:52 AM
Blonde Calls 911

A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," she cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on June 02, 2004, 03:05:58 AM
The Movies:

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied "... the balcony."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shylynne on June 02, 2004, 05:09:07 PM
speaking of painful....these jokes.... :-X


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 03, 2004, 12:38:28 AM
speaking of painful....these jokes.... :-X
Heres one for you Shylynne

Two cows were out in a field eating grass. One cow turns to the other cow and says, "Moooooo!" "Hey", the other cow replies.... "I was just about to say the same thing!"  

What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk? .... A MILK DUD!

My cow refuses to give milk, and you know why, of course.
She's been grazing in the field too long,...

And now she thinks she's a horse.

What are the spots on black and white cows?
Holstains


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 03, 2004, 12:39:58 AM
What kind of milk comes from a forgetful cow?
Milk of Amnesia

Have you ever heard the term "When Pigs Fly!"......
Well what if it were "When Cows Fly!" :D

Where do cows go when they want a night out?
To the moo-vies!

What was the bull doing in the pasture with his eyes closed?
Bull-dozin'


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 03, 2004, 12:40:34 AM
Do you know why the cow jumped over the moon?
The farmer had cold hands.




What did the bored cow say when she got up in the morning?
"It's just an udder day"

How does a farmer count a herd of cows?
With a Cowlculator

Why don't cows have any money?
Because farmers milk them dry

Where do Russians get their milk?
From Mos-cows

What's a cow's favorite moosical note?
Beef-flat

What do cows wear in Hawaii?
Moo- moos


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 03, 2004, 12:42:37 AM
What do call a cow that has just had a calf?
Decalfenated

Why did the cow wear a bell around her neck?
Because her horn didn't work


Gotta have some dumb blonde jokes today

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.

The blonde gets very angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does, she is overcome with grief.

She takes the gun and points to her head. The boyfriend yells, "NO, honey, don't do it!"

The blonde replies "Shut up, you're next."



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 03, 2004, 12:44:47 AM
A blonde and her husband were driving down a Vermont country road when they past a sign that read "BLIND DRIVEWAY AHEAD".

The blonde then told her husband, "honey, isn't that wonderful that the government provides signs to let you know where someone blind lives!"



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 03, 2004, 12:45:51 AM
The Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist touring the clubs is doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, the goes through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 2nd row stands on her chair and shouts: "I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes but women in general .. and all in the name of humor".

Quite taken aback, the embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize but the blonde yells again, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little dummy on your knee!!!"   ;D



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 03, 2004, 12:47:05 AM
The Smartest Blonde In The World

There was the President, a boy scout, a pilot, and the smartest blonde in the World on an airplane. Suddenly the plane started to dive and was about to crash when they realized there were only three parachutes on board.

The President immediately stated, "I must live to rule this country!" as he grabbed a parachute and jumped from the plane.

The smartest blonde in the World said, "I am a rare and beautiful creature so I must also live," and she grabbed a parachute and jumped behind the President.

The Pilot looked at the boy scout and said, "I must go so that the President has his pilot, will you be okay?"

The boy scout replied, "sure, the smartest blonde in the world just jumped with my bookbag!"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 03, 2004, 12:48:20 AM
There were three blondes and they went to the top of a twelve story building. The first blonde jumps off and she dies from the fall. The second blonde does the same and she dies. The third blonde jumps off but somehow she lives. When the police arrive, an officer asks "what were you women thinking?", the blonde replies "we were trying our new maxi-pads with wings."

Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes on her shoulders and ask her a question.

Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A: Put a scratch and sniff at the bottom of a swiming pool.

Q: How do you keep a blonde busy?
A: Put her in a round room and ask her to find the corner.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 03, 2004, 12:49:34 AM
Q: How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to get the chair, one to get the light bulb, one to screw it in.

Two blonds were driving to DisneyLand when they came upon a sign that read "Disneyland Left" ... so they turned around and went back home.

Q: A blond and brunet jump out of an airplane, who hit the ground first?
A: The brunet. The blond had to stop for directions.

Q: Why did the dumb blond drive around the block 47 times?
A: Because her blinker was stuck.



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 03, 2004, 12:50:44 AM
You know you're addicted to the internet when...

1. you laugh at people with 9600 baud modems.

2. tech support calls YOU for help.

3. you name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.

4. you refuse to contact friends and relatives that do not have modems.



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shylynne on June 03, 2004, 07:36:18 AM
speaking of painful....these jokes.... :-X
Heres one for you Shylynne

Two cows were out in a field eating grass. One cow turns to the other cow and says, "Moooooo!" "Hey", the other cow replies.... "I was just about to say the same thing!"  

What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk? .... A MILK DUD!

My cow refuses to give milk, and you know why, of course.
She's been grazing in the field too long,...

And now she thinks she's a horse.

What are the spots on black and white cows?
Holstains

still painful...

but...

And now she thinks she's a horse. ROFL


maybe I should stay off the floor eh  :-X


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shylynne on June 03, 2004, 07:41:58 AM
you name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom


I think I heard my hubby call me one of those names the other day  :-X


 


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on June 03, 2004, 06:16:45 PM
speaking of painful....these jokes.... :-X

Oklahoma Howdy to Shylynne,

 ;D  Help us out with some good ones. How about?
____________________


The Irishman & The Cop

A cop was interrogating a very intoxicated Irishman, who was also severely bleeding.

The officer asked, "Can you describe the person who did this to you?"

The Irishman replied, "That's what I was doing when he hit me."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on June 03, 2004, 06:20:33 PM
Shylynne,

Surely this one isn't a groaner, or is it?   :D
_________________________

Two At the Canal:

A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.

"You just won't believe what happened this evening, in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it."

"Oh yes dear, what happened?"

"I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks."

"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks! What did you do with them?"

"Oh that was easy, I charged one and set the other off."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on June 03, 2004, 06:23:42 PM
(Old - but funny??)

The Accident:

Two guys were walking along a road in Georgia when they were struck by a police car driven by a drunken cop.

One guy was thrown through the windshield and his buddy was knocked down an embankment.

The first guy was charged with breaking and entering and the second with leaving the scene of an accident.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on June 03, 2004, 06:26:33 PM
Body In The Ice Cream Van:

A policeman is driving along the road when he gets an urgent message on his radio telling him there has been a dead body found in an ice cream van just down the road. He rushes to the scene where he discovers a man's body, with chocolate flakes up each nostril, raspberry sauce all over his head and he is covered from head to toe in hundreds of thousands of sprinkles.

A puzzled onlooker asks the policeman what he thinks has happened, to which the policeman replies: "It looks like he's topped himself."

Get it?


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 04, 2004, 12:32:23 AM
GROAN!!

To boa or not to boa, that is the question.  ;D

What did the naughty little diamondback say to his big sister?
"Don't be such a rattle-tail!"

What's a picnic?
A snack in the grass.

What does an exhibitionistic snake wear to the beach?
A pythong.

What is a snake's favorite subject?
Hissssstory!

Just for you Shylynne,
What does a boa constrictor use to make herself look prettier?
Hair coilers!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 04, 2004, 12:34:32 AM
What kind of snake is completely different?
A Monty Python.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Snakeskin.
Snakeskin who?
Snakeskin bite, but we'd rather run away.

How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow!

What did the snake say to Sylvester the Cat?
Nothing. He was ssssspeechlesssss!

What do you call a snake without any clothes on?
Snaked!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 04, 2004, 12:36:03 AM
Why is a snake so smart?
Because you can't pull its leg!

Why is a snake so careless?
Because it keeps losing its skin!

Hey Frank, are we venomous?
Why do you want to know?
'Cause I just bit my tongue!

What does a snake radio DJ say?
"Snake, rattle and roll!"

What does a well-dressed snake wear?
A boa tie!  ;D

What kind of snake keep its car the cleanest?
A windshield viper!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 04, 2004, 12:40:56 AM
What is a snake's favorite footwear?
Snakers, of course!

How do snakes show they love you?
They give you hugs and hisses!

What happens when a snake gets mad?
It throws a hisssssy-fit!  ;D

What is the most popular snake dialect?
Boomslang!

What kind of snake can do math in the dark?
A night adder!

What kind of snake did Roger the shrubber (from Monty Python and the Holy Grail) use to help him round up some shrubbery?
A bushmaster!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 04, 2004, 12:42:49 AM
What kind of snakes get to hug the bride at a wedding?
Garter snakes!

What do snakes do at the end of a date?
They give each other a goodnight hiss!

What kind of snake can cut a rug with the best of them?
A carpet python!

Who married the kingsnake?
Well, the queensnake of course!

What prize was given for first place?
A blue ribbon snake!

What snake is a member of the band?
The RATTLEsnake!

How can you revive a snake that looks dead?
With mouse-to-mouth resuscitation!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 04, 2004, 12:44:16 AM
How did the snakes bust out of jail?
They scaled the wall!

What kind of slippers do snakes wear?
Water moccasins!

What do snakes put on their kitchen floors?
Rep-tiles!

How do you measure a snake?
In inches. They don't have any feet!

If you crossed a snake with a robin, what kind of bird would you get?
A swallow!

What did the cobra say to the flute player?
"Charmed to meet you!"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 04, 2004, 12:45:39 AM
What would you get if you crossed a newborn snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa!

What do snakes take for an upset stomach?
Repto-Bismol.

Why couldn't the female snake have any babies?
Because she'd had a hiss-terectomy!

What should a ghost yell if it wants to scare a snake?
"BOA!"

Why do snakes go to free clinics?
They like the sliding scales!

Why can't snakes eat soup?
No spoon! They only have a forked tongue!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 04, 2004, 12:47:44 AM
Why was the water moccasin suspended from the swim team?
He was failing Hisss-tory.

Why did the snake laugh so hard she started to cry?
She thought the joke was hisss-terical

Why did the snake cross the road?
To get to the other ssssssssside.

Why didn't the snakes leave Noah's Ark and multiply like all the other animals?
They couldn't multiply. They were adders!

Why did the wife snake leave her husband at the party?
She thought he was making an asp out of himself!

What kind of snake helps clean the dishes?
A dish-viper!

How do snakes cook pasta?
Heat until the water coils or comes to a slither!
(Boils or comes to a simmer.)



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 04, 2004, 12:49:12 AM
What do you get if you cross a snake with a builder?
A Boa Constructor!

Why do snakes squeeze their food?
Because they have no arms to hug it!!!

What is a snake's favorite song?
"Fangs For The Memories"  ;D

What is a snake's favorite dance?
The 'Mamba'!

Where do snakes go to have fun?
The boa-ling alley!

What clothing might sister snakes share?
Co-bras!

And thats my last Groaner tonight.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Reba on June 04, 2004, 01:03:41 AM
 :-X


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on June 05, 2004, 04:25:04 AM
:-X

 ;D  Help us out here Sister Reba. I'm thinking about telling some Captain Kangaroo stories.   ;D

UM??, now the younguns are wondering who Captain Kangaroo is. Well, he's a friend of Mr. Greenjeans.   :D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 05, 2004, 01:37:59 PM
:-X

 ;D  Help us out here Sister Reba. I'm thinking about telling some Captain Kangaroo stories.   ;D

UM??, now the younguns are wondering who Captain Kangaroo is. Well, he's a friend of Mr. Greenjeans.   :D
ROFL!!!!
Let me hear some about the Captian, blackeyedpeas. Yes I do remember the Capt. and Mr. Greenjeans. ;D
I guess I'm an old fart. :D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on June 06, 2004, 07:19:24 PM
Oklahoma Howdy to Dreamweaver,

 ;D  I'll work on a Captain Kangaroo story. I'm out of groaners at the moment.

Love In Christ,
Tom


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 07, 2004, 01:24:16 AM
Oklahoma Howdy to Dreamweaver,

 ;D  I'll work on a Captain Kangaroo story. I'm out of groaners at the moment.

Love In Christ,
Tom
Sorry for not posting last night. I heard of former Pres. Reagans death, and just turned off the computer.
I look forwards to Captain Kangaroooooos story.  ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shylynne on June 07, 2004, 05:06:56 PM
Shylynne,Surely this one isn't a groaner, or is it?   :D


 :-X

Just for you Shylynne,
What does a boa constrictor use to make herself look prettier?
Hair coilers!


 :-X

man you men really do need halp!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shylynne on June 07, 2004, 05:08:55 PM
I`m gonna hate myself for asking...

Who is Mr. Greenjeans  ???


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shylynne on June 07, 2004, 08:17:04 PM
A neighbor of mine was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing furiously.
I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will.
He said, "Will, what will ? I'm making a list of people I'm gonna bite."   ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shylynne on June 07, 2004, 08:18:36 PM
I don't usually pass on news like this, but sometimes we have to pause and truly remember what life is about, so I pass on this sad, sad news.
There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died.

What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket. They'd put his left leg in and....well, you know the rest.

 ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 07, 2004, 08:50:51 PM
Shylynne,Surely this one isn't a groaner, or is it?   :D


 :-X

Just for you Shylynne,
What does a boa constrictor use to make herself look prettier?
Hair coilers!


 :-X

man you men really do need halp!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LOL, wheres your sense of humor?


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shylynne on June 07, 2004, 09:14:27 PM
The snake swallowed it  :-X


  :P


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on June 08, 2004, 03:02:35 AM
 ;D  Shylynne,

Thanks, I needed that laugh. I think that I heard a different version once.
_______________________

Things My Mother Taught Me:

My Mother taught me LOGIC..."If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICINE..."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD..."If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

My Mother taught me ESP..."Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE..."What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me HUMOR..."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT..."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.

My mother taught me about GENETICS..."You are just like your father!"

My mother taught me about my ROOTS..."Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE..."When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION..."Just wait until your father gets home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING...You are going to get it when we get home.

and my all time favorite thing - JUSTICE..."One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you'll see what it's like."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on June 08, 2004, 03:05:02 AM
The Public Pool:

The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.

"Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool."

"Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board!?!?"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on June 08, 2004, 03:07:39 AM
A Teenager is...

A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.

A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.

A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.

Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.

A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.

A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver's license.

A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn't have to study.

An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.

A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.

A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.

A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock concert.

A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.

A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.

A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing.

An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on June 08, 2004, 03:10:52 AM
Laws of Household Physics:

Ever notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as every other law in the universe? Here are a few examples:

1. A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to the ability to actually do the work involved.

2. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.

3. A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.

4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed.

5. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage.

6. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.

7. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote controls divided by the number of viewers.

8. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature.

9. The capacity of any hot water heater is equal to one and one-half sibling showers.

10. What goes up must come down, except for bubble gum, kites and slightly used Rice Krispies.

11. Place two children in a room full of toys and they will both want to play with the same toy.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on June 08, 2004, 03:16:11 AM
Are You Ready for Children?

Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego's. (If Lego's are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)

Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Physical Test (Women): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

Physical Test (Men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 09, 2004, 02:31:24 AM
What are crisp, like milk and go 'eek, eek, eek' when you eat them?
Mice Krispies!

What is small, furry and brilliant at sword fights?
A mouseketeer!

What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the mouse!

What is a mouse's favorite record?
'Please cheese me'!

What goes eek, eek, bang?
A mouse in a minefield!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 09, 2004, 02:32:31 AM
What squeaks as it solves crimes?
Miami mice!

What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer?
Mice cubes!

What's gray, squeaky and hangs around in caves?
Stalagmice!

What mouse was a Roman emperor?
Julius Cheeser!

Who is king of all the mice?
Mouse Tse Tung!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 09, 2004, 02:33:14 AM
What do angry rodents send each other at Christmas time?
Cross mouse cards!

What's the hardest part of milking a mouse?
Getting it to fit over a bucket!

Hickory hickory dock.
The mouse ran up the clock
The clock struck one
But the rest got away with minor injuries

What do you call a mouse that can pick up an elephant?
Sir!

What do mice do when they're at home?
Mousework!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 09, 2004, 02:33:41 AM
What have 12 legs, six eyes, three tails and can't see?
Three blind mice!

What is small, furry and smells like bacon?
A hamster!

When should a mouse carry an umbrella?
When it's raining cats and dogs!

What's the definition of a narrow squeak?
A thin mouse!

Is there a mouse in the house?
No, but there's a moose on the loose!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 09, 2004, 02:34:56 AM
What is small, has a long tail and works with the police?
A gerbil shepherd dog!

What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face?
A mouse-tache!

Why did the mouse eat a candle?
For some light refreshment!

What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak?
Mouse code!

What do you get if cross a mouse woth a packet of washing up powder?
Bubble and squeak!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 09, 2004, 02:35:11 AM
What's a mouse's favorite record?
Please cheese me!

What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside?
A mouse sandwich!

What do you call a mouse who can pick up a horse?
Sir!

How do mice celebrate when they move home?
With a mouse warming party!

Who has large antlers, a high voice and wears white gloves?
Mickey Moose!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 09, 2004, 02:35:51 AM
How do you save a drowning mouse?
Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!

Where do hamsters come from?
Hamsterdam!

What's a mouse's least favorite record?
What's up Pussycat!

Why do mice need oiling?
Because they squeak!

What do rodents say when they play bingo?
'Eyes down for a full mouse'!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 09, 2004, 02:36:17 AM
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat?
'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'! :eek:

What kind of musical instrument do mice play?
A mouse organ!

Why do mice have long tails?
Well, they'd look silly with long hair!

What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?
Hard cheese!

What is a mouse's favorite game?
Hide and squeak!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 09, 2004, 02:38:05 AM
Who is the most agreeable mouse?
U. Nanny Mouse

Which mouse learned to pick locks?
Mick Key Mouse

Which mouse is in charge of the mail?
The Postmouseter General

What does Sherlock Mouse do for a living?
He solves mouseteries

Who is the largest mouse in the world?
E. Norm Mouse



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 09, 2004, 02:39:45 AM
What does a 500-pound mouse say?
"Here kitty, kitty kitty ..."

What do you call the conductor of an all-mouse orchestra?
Micetro

How can you tell when a mouse is too cold?
When he becomes a micecicle

What four-letter word do mice use when they get angry?
RATS!

Where do mice go to get their prescriptions filled?
A pharmousey

Where did mice hang out in the 1920's?
In squeakeasies

What games to mice like to play at parties?
Mouseical chairs

What does a mice artist call his greatest work?
A mouseterpiece


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 09, 2004, 02:41:51 AM
One lab mouse to another:
I've trained that crazy human at last.
How have you done that?
I don't know how, but every time I run through that maze and ring the bell, he gives me a piece of cheese.

What kind of musical instrument do mice play ?
A mouse organ !

Why do mice have long tails ?
Well, they'd look silly with long hair !

Who has large antlers, a high voice and wears white gloves ?
Mickey Moose !

How do you save a drowning mouse ?
Use mouse to mouse resuscitation !

What's a mouse's least favorite record ?
What's up Pussycat !


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 09, 2004, 02:44:46 AM
Why do mice need oiling ?
Because they squeak !

What do rodents say when they play bingo ?
'Eyes down for a full mouse' !

What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer ?
Mice cubes !

Is there a mouse in the house ?
No, but there's a moose on the loose !

When should a mouse carry an umbrella ?
When it's raining cats and dogs !

What is small, furry and brilliant at sword fights ?
A mouseketeer !

What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk ?
Dirty looks from the mouse !

What's the definition of a narrow squeak ?
A thin mouse !

I posted these cause I didn't want to stop on the number before. :eek:


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 10, 2004, 02:45:33 AM
I know a few more Groaners.

Moron Joke :

A moron walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The moron looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. He returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks. A woman walks up behind the moron and watches his antics for a few minutes before stopping and and asking if someone else could have a go. The moron spins around and shouts in her face: "Can't you see I'm winning."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 10, 2004, 02:49:32 AM
(http://www.indianchild.com/images/monkey_2.gif) My name is DUH WISE MONKEY.

Monkey Bar
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his nose, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his nose, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 10, 2004, 02:50:53 AM
Duh Bar Bet
Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on.

It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy. "Your on!", he says.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge.

The second guy hands the first guy the money. "I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news."

"No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 10, 2004, 02:53:16 AM
Good Looking Beer
A man walks into a bar and orders one beer.

Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another beer.

After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another beer.

The bartender is curious and askes him "every time you order a beer, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?"

The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look ugly, I go home."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 10, 2004, 02:56:16 AM

Monkey and the Cap Seller

Once upon a time, there lived a poor cap seller in a small village.  He earned his livelihood stiching caps and selling them in the neighboring villages. Once when going to another village through a forest, he fell asleep under a tree. When he woke up, he was surprised to find his basket empty and all the caps missing. Then he noticed a troop of monkeys sitting in the tree wearing his caps. He came up with a brilliant idea to retrieve his caps. He lifted the cap on his head and threw it to the ground. Out of their apeing habits the monkeys followed suit. The cap seller, then collected all the caps and triumphantly proceeded to the market.

As the years pass by, the cap seller has a grandson who too ends up being a cap seller. One day he has to pass through the same forest to sell caps in the village on the other side. As he is leaving, his grandpa tells him of the monkeys and how he outsmarted them and warns the grandson to be careful in the forest and remember his grandpa's trick if the monkeys cause any trouble.

So the grandson sets forth on his journey. While passing through the forest, he gets tired and falls asleep to wake up and find the basket empty and all the caps gone. Then he notices the monkeys on the tree wearing the caps. Smiling to himself he says, "Aha ! I know how to deal with this. I'll use my grandpa's trick ! So he hurls his cap to the ground expecting the monkeys to do the same. All this time, there is a young capless monkey sitting in the tree. This monkey jumps down from the tree, quickly picks up the grandson's cap and puts it on his head. Then as he is scampering away, he says to the grandson sarcastically "HA, HA ! SO, DID YOU THINK THAT ONLY YOU HUMANS HAVE A GRANDPA ??" :-)


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 10, 2004, 02:59:52 AM

Top 16 Differences if a Monkey was President

16  Under threat of an embargo, Yeltsin quickly apologizes for the USSR's early space program.

15  National Endowment for the Arts replaced by a roomful of President's relatives with typewriters.

14  Microsoft? Sell! IBM? Sell! Chiquita? Buy, baby, buy!

13  "Organ grinding" no longer refers to Presidential proclivities.

12  First President in diapers since the Reagan years.

11  Shiny red butt could be blamed on heredity instead of a wild night at the Little Rock Holiday Inn with a hooker named Wanda.

10  Pauly Shore receives the Presidential Achievement Medal in the Arts.

9   N.R.A. banquet ends badly with Charlton Heston shouting, "Get your filthy paws off me, you dirty ape!" (Planet of the Apes quote.)

8   Four opposable thumbs allow for Chinese bribe-taking at twice the speed of current administration.

7   New Director of the FBI: Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp.

6   State of the Union address reduced to three minutes of dung-tossing and chest thumping instead of ninety minutes of dung-tossing and chest thumping.

5   President's IQ now only 10 points higher than Rush Limbaugh's.

4   To deflect attention from recent scandal, President appears on Tonight Show riding a unicycle.

3   "No, Ms. Embry, you can't spend the night in the Lincoln bedroom again!"

2   During press conferences, the President eats lice from Sam Donaldson's toupee.

and the Number 1 Difference if the President Were a Monkey...

1   On executive decisions: Silly toothy grin means "yes." Loud raspberry means "no."



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 10, 2004, 03:01:50 AM

Sock Monkey

A guy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. "Hmmmm," he wonders, "how am I gonna get more cash?" Then he gets an idea. He calls his father.

"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! They actually have a program here that teaches sock monkeys to talk!"

"Why that's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get one in that program?"

"Just send me a sock monkey with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course." So his father sends a sock monkey and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. So the boy calls his father again.

"So how's the sock monkey doing, son?" his father asks. "Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - now they have a program here that will teach a sock monkey to READ!"

"READ!" says his father, "That's amazing! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." So his father sends the money. At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the sock monkey can't read or talk. So he shoots the sock monkey. When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's the sock monkey? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some bad news. This morning when I got out of the shower, the sock monkey was in the living room kicking back in the recliner and reading the Tribune, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked 'So, is your father still messin' around with that blonde that lives over on Lake Shore Drive?' "

His father says "I hope you SHOT that lyin' sack of trash!"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 10, 2004, 03:03:51 AM
A man who owned a hand-operated rotisserie (rotating spit for cooking meat) was barbecuing a chicken in his back yard when a hippie strolled by.

The hippie stood and watched for a couple of minutes and then said slowly, "Uh... I don't want to bug you man, but your music's stopped, and your monkey's on fire."

Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A: It was dead.

Q: Why don't the monkeys in the jungle play poker any more?
A: There are just too many Cheetahs.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because he was dead!

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? She was stapled to the first one!

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? Peer Pressure!

Mark Twain


Title: Mom's Brownies Recipe - For Shylynne
Post by: nChrist on June 10, 2004, 03:33:34 AM
 ;D   ;D   ;D

Shylynne, this one is for you. When all else fails to get a laugh from a woman, one must add the element of children.   ;D
_________________________

Mom's Brownies Recipe:

Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.

Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.

Remove teddy bear from oven and tell little Jimmy "no, no."

Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take shortening can away from little Jimmy and clean cupboards.

Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.

Take shortening can away from little Jimmy again and bathe cat.

Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.

Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.

Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.

Take telephone away from little Jimmy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.

Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.

Let cat out of refrigerator.

Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.

Bake 25 minutes.

Rescue cat and take razor away from little Jimmy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away.

Frosting

Mix the following in saucepan:

1 cup sugar

1 oz unsweetened chocolate

1/4 cup margarine

Take the stinking and smoldering teddy bear out of the broiler and call the EPA for proper disposal.

Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know little Jimmy had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street. Put little Jimmy in playpen.

Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.

Answer door and apologize to neighbor for little Jimmy having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.

Tie little Jimmy to clothesline.

Remove burned brownies from oven.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on June 10, 2004, 03:37:16 AM
The Business Offer:

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on June 10, 2004, 03:41:40 AM
 ;D - Another one for Shylynne involving children.

_________________________

Parent's Dictionary of Meanings:

DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: able to whine in words.

WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on June 10, 2004, 03:51:11 AM
4 Letter Words:

A young couple got married & went on a cruise for their honeymoon. When they got back from the honeymoon, the bride immediately called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away.

"Well, darling," said her mom, "how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mother," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time! But, mother, as soon as we returned, Sam began using really horrible language... Stuff I'd never heard before... Really terrible 4-letter words... You've got to come get me and take me home... PLEASE MOTHER!" And the new bride began to sob over the telephone.

"But honey," the mother countered, "WHAT 4-letter words?"

"I can't tell you, mother," said the daughter, "they're too awful! COME GET ME, P L E A S E !!!"

"Darling daughter, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell mother the 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Mother.... words like:

DUST...WASH......IRON....COOK....


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 11, 2004, 01:22:39 AM
Age is a Funny Thing

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. How old are you?.... "I'm four and a half" .... You're never 36 and a half .... you're four and a half going on five!
That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. How old are you? "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16.

And then the greatest day of your life happens .... you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony .... you BECOME 21 ... YES!!!

But then you turn 30 .... ooohhh what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk .... He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now.

What's wrong?? What changed?? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40 ..... stay over there, it's all slipping away ........

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50 ..... and your dreams are gone.

Then you MAKE IT to 60 ..... you didn't think you'd make it!!!!

So you BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60 ...... then you build up so much speed you HIT 70!

After that, it's a day by day thing. After that, you HIT Wednesday .... You get into your 80's, you HIT lunch. My grandmother won't even buy green bananas .... it's an investment you know, and maybe a bad one.

And it doesn't end there .... into the 90's you start going backwards .... I was JUST 92 ...


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 11, 2004, 01:24:22 AM
50-40-30

A high school girls runs up to her father. She says, "Daddy, Daddy, I need fifty dollars." He says, "Forty dollars? What do you need thirty dollars for?"  ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 11, 2004, 01:25:12 AM
Accent

About a year ago my sister, who lives in Virginia, was talking with her four year old son, Brent. He was asking her why all their relatives from Wisconsin talk funny and sound like their noses are plugged up.
"They think we have an accent," she replied.

"But they have an accent, right?", Brent asked. "They talk funny?"

"Everybody talks in different ways" she tried to explain. "To them, we sound like we talk very slow and all our words are d-r-a-w-n out."

His eyes got big, and he whispered seriously, "Oh, no. You mean they hear funny too?"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 11, 2004, 01:27:52 AM
The Accident

A six-year-old grandson called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room.
"But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Charlie's mother said it was irreplaceable."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 11, 2004, 01:28:38 AM
After Christmas Thought

A few days after Christmas, my six-year-old son and I were talking. He asked, "Mom, is there a Santa Claus?"
"Well, what do you think?" I asked him.

He replied, "Well, my Playstation that I got and my gift from Santa were wrapped in the same kind of wrapping paper." He thought for a minute and said, "I'll tell you what ... you and Dad can go on buying me presents and let's just forget we ever had this talk!"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Reba on June 11, 2004, 02:16:32 AM
One morning ,after being up all nite with the new baby, while folding the tons of wash, potty training the toddler develop,... My oldest about 4 year old granddaughter exictedly said to her mom.  "  MOM MOM I promise i will never get into the honey again"  

Being the grandma is the best...


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on June 11, 2004, 08:59:49 AM
Children bring something special to a home: laughter, tears, love .... noise .... carpet stains.....  A variety of odors.......


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on June 11, 2004, 09:01:17 AM
I told the kids whoever minds mother the best gets five bucks every Saturday. This is the third straight week I've won.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on June 11, 2004, 09:02:48 AM
My daughter is learning to play "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" on the piano. I'd like to find that little star and send her there for lessons.


Title: Elderly Sisters - Good One
Post by: nChrist on June 11, 2004, 02:21:19 PM
Elderly Sisters:

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 ear old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know.  I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood," and she knocked on the table. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."


Title: Senior Joke - Good
Post by: nChrist on June 11, 2004, 02:25:46 PM
I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss,  were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's go get a soda pop."
_______________

(I resemble that remark)   ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on June 11, 2004, 02:28:57 PM
ROMANCE

An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said:  "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. "Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."  Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked.

To get my teeth!"   ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on June 11, 2004, 02:34:01 PM
DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car -- both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."  After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said,

"Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "OH MY DEAR!, am I driving?"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 15, 2004, 01:40:31 AM
TIGHT FIT
 
  Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on?

 He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said,
"Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.

 He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to do. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

 He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She than mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots onto his feet again.

 She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said,

"I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."
 


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 15, 2004, 01:41:34 AM
THUNDER AND LIGHTNING

A small child walked daily to and from school. Though  the weather one morning was questionable and clouds  were forming, this child made the daily trek to the elementary school.

As the day progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning.

The mother was worried that her child would be frightened walking back home from school, and she herself feared  the electrical storm might harm her child.

Following the roar of the thunder, lightning would cut through the sky like a flaming sword.  Being concerned, the mother got into her car and drove along the route to her child's school.  Soon she saw her small child walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up at the sky and smile.

One followed another, each time with her child stopping, looking at the streak of light and smiling. Finally, the mother called and asked, "What are you doing!"

Her child answered,
"I'm smiling for God, He keeps taking pictures of me."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 15, 2004, 01:45:08 AM
Going Fishing


  A woman goes into Walmart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Walmart "associate" standing there with dark shades on.

She says, "Excuse me sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am I'm blind, but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10-pound test line... It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00."

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's just what I'm looking for so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register.

In the meantime the woman passes gas. At first she is embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way he could tell it was her, being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "Yes Ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00,
the duck call is $3.00 and the catfish bait is $2.50.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 15, 2004, 01:47:56 AM
Duck Hunting In Texas

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a duck, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence from where the lawyer shot.

As the lawyer started to climb over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him just what the heck he thought he was doin'.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "You just hold on a dadburn minute. This is my property, and thar's no way yur comin' over that thar fence."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own!

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things down here in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Texas Three-Kick' rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Texas Three-Kick Rule'?"

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times, and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, 'till someone gives."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and ambled up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's shins, causing him to hop on one foot. His second kick knocked the man right off his feet. With the lawyer flat on his back the farmer's third kick caused him to see stars.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will, managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now it's my turn!"

The old farmer smiled and said,
"No way, mister, I give up. You can have the duck!"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 15, 2004, 01:51:17 AM
Ya Got To Luv Um

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked," Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked," Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again
the small voice whispered, "no".

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman". Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman"?

"No, he's busy", whispered the child." Busy doing what?, asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper"

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there"?

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:

"They're looking for me"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 15, 2004, 01:53:55 AM
" Entering  Heaven "

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses the man wearing somewhat sloppy clothes, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Jack Thomas Jr., taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Then it's the minister's turn. He stands up tall and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's Church, for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of  Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man before me was a taxi-driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. Why, How can this be?"

Saint Peter, looks to the preacher and says,

"Up here, we work by results,"

"While you preached, people slept. While Jack drove, people prayed."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 15, 2004, 01:55:46 AM
"Hallelujah!"

A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way, (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, is to say,
 "Hallelujah!"

 The only way to make the donkey stop, is to say, "Amen!"

 The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions.

 "Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately.

 "This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah", he rode off very proud of his new purchase.

 The man traveled for a long time through some mountains. Soon he was heading towards a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the donkey stop.

 "Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept going.

 "Oh, no...

 'Bible...Church!...Please Stop!!," shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the cliff edge.

 Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer..."Please, dear Lord.

 Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN."

 The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.

 "HALLELUJAH!", shouted the man.



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 15, 2004, 01:57:50 AM
Three Gifts

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting together for Christmas, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes."
 
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:

"Dear Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is too huge. I live in only one room, but I have to keep the whole house clean!"

"Dear Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes."

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your Mother likes.
The chicken was Dee-licious!"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 15, 2004, 01:59:51 AM
Only in America

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of our skating rinks.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a Diet Coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.


9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many'  and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.  ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 15, 2004, 02:01:56 AM
Do you know?

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline
"Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on the "Start" button?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called  a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? (What a silly question!)

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 15, 2004, 02:03:56 AM
Golden Phone

A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read "$10,000 a minute." Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone.

The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God.

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Austin, Michigan, Chicago, Milwaukee, and all around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and got the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrived in Kalispell MT. Upon entering a church in this Northern area of MT, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read "Calls: 25 cents."

Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church, I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?"

The pastor, smiling, replied,
 "Son, you're in Montana now. This is God's country... and it's a local call."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 15, 2004, 02:06:36 AM
The male version of.....

Don't hit the Ducks

Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven. Upon arrival  they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule:

Don't hit the ducks.

 The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks "The ducks?"

 "Yes", St. Peter replies, "There are millions of ducks walking around the course and if one gets hit, he squawks then the one next to him squawks and soon they're all squawkin to beat the band, and it really breaks the tranquility. If you hit the ducks, you'll be punished, otherwise everything is yours to enjoy."

 After entering the course, the men noted that there was indeed a gaggle of ducks everywhere.
 Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit one of them. The duck squawked, the one next to it squawked and soon there was a deafening roar of duck quacks.

 St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asked "Who hit the duck?"

 The one who had done it admitted "I did."

 Immediately, St. Peter pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks," he said.

 "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity.

 The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman than before. St. Peter determined which one had hit the duck by the fear in his face, and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand.

 "I told you not to hit the ducks", he said. "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity."

 The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn't even move for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months of this he still hadn't hit a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months and had with him a knock-out gorgeous woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled to the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.

 The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a sigh and said "What have I done to deserve this?"

 The woman responded "I don't know about you, but I hit a duck."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on June 15, 2004, 07:17:59 AM
 ;D   ;D   ;D  Thanks for those laughs Dreamweaver. I can only offer a groaner.
_________________

New Family Driver:

Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.

"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on June 15, 2004, 07:30:54 AM
Quotes:

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.  That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry

She's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one. - Oscar Levant to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo's fiancee

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution. - Mae West

I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him? - Jerry Seinfeld

I was married by a judge.  I should have asked for  a jury. - George Burns

I wouldn't object to my wife having the last word.... if only she'd get to it. - Henny Youngman

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite. - Woody Allen

Why does a woman work for years to change a man's habits, and then complain that he's not the man she married? - Barbra Streisand

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me! - Henny Youngman


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: sincereheart on June 15, 2004, 07:42:35 AM
The REAL way my husband and I met and the REAL reason he married me!  ;D

(http://groups.msn.com/_Secure/0QwDvApcTtoNctSKBdDW1ue22DG6C9VW5t9!zROCQ**jwB*41ZJI*sH78jy0c2awbqD6pHNLVR31Emdw5y7cgKVHrZ3wZvpOwFfIjbICpUAo/4003.jpg?dc=4675476547604554894)


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on June 15, 2004, 07:54:57 AM
 ;D   ;D   ;D  Sincereheart, What a HOOT!! - Thanks, I needed that laugh.

(http://www.sirinet.net/~blkidps/a24.gif)


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: sincereheart on June 15, 2004, 08:10:31 AM
;D   ;D   ;D  Sincereheart, What a HOOT!! - Thanks, I needed that laugh.

(http://www.sirinet.net/~blkidps/a24.gif)

The horse is gone but he did keep me!  ;D Must be true love!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 16, 2004, 02:50:37 AM
The REAL way my husband and I met and the REAL reason he married me!  ;D

(http://groups.msn.com/_Secure/0QwDvApcTtoNctSKBdDW1ue22DG6C9VW5t9!zROCQ**jwB*41ZJI*sH78jy0c2awbqD6pHNLVR31Emdw5y7cgKVHrZ3wZvpOwFfIjbICpUAo/4003.jpg?dc=4675476547604554894)
LOL  ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 16, 2004, 02:55:40 AM
Go Crazy

Eddie's father called up to him, 'Eddie, if you don't stop playing that trumpet I think I'll go crazy!'
Eddy replied, 'I think you are already, I stopped playing half an hour ago.



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 16, 2004, 02:59:10 AM
I know this one is a GROANER!!!!

"The Widower Playing Golf"

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eys, and bows down in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 16, 2004, 03:01:55 AM
"Mickey Mouse Wants A Divorce"

Judge: Look here Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce from Minnie.
Mickey (stunned): Why not?
Judge: I have reviewed all the information you gave the court, but i can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy.
Mickey (exasperated): Your honor! I didn't say she was crazy... I said she was Goofy!



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 16, 2004, 03:02:54 AM
"The Blondes Who Finished The Jigsaw Puzzle"

A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast, "Here's to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks. Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.

The bartender says, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?"

One of the blondes explains, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box '2-4 years,' but we finished it in 51 days!"



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 16, 2004, 03:03:33 AM
"Is The Dog Dead?"

A woman took her dog to the vet "Doctor," she said, "I think my dog is dead". The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn't move.
"Yes, your dog is dead," says the doctor.
"How much do I owe you?" the lady asks.
"$345," says the doctor.
"$345!!?" the lady asks.
"Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 16, 2004, 03:04:49 AM
"The millionare with alligators"

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed.

He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 16, 2004, 03:06:02 AM
"The Gate Is Broken"

 St.Peter was checking the gate beween Heaven and Hell and found a broken hinge. He walked over to the "Pit" and called to the Devil...The Devil says, "Yeah, whaddya want..?", St. Peter: "The hinge is broken and it's your turn to fix it.." . The Devil retorted: "Gee, I am a bit busy and don't have anyone available for this.." , St. Peter got angry, "Look, we have an agreement, and it's your turn to fix the gate..!" , The Devil responded, "Sorry Pete, it's our peak season and there just isn't anyone available..." St. Peter turned red and exclaimed..."Ok, if that's the way you want it, we'll sue..!" A big grin broke out on the Devil's face, "Oh yeah, and just where are you going to find a lawyer...?!"



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 16, 2004, 03:07:49 AM
"Princess Diana : Q & A"

Q - What did Pricness Diana say to Dodi Faijed when he presented her with a multi-thousand dollar ring in the Mercades?
A - "Dodi,... I think that we're moving too fast,..."

Q - How is Princess Diana different from Tiger Woods?
A - Tiger Woods knows how to pick a driver.



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 16, 2004, 03:08:33 AM
"Neighbors In Montana"

A sucessful business man became disenchanted with the stress of the fast life in the big city and decides to chuck it all. He takes his savings and purchases a large ranch in the middle of nowhere in Montana. After a couple of months of enjoying the solitude he hears the drumming of hoofbeats outside his cabin. Grabbing his rifle he challenges the man riding up on the horse. "Hold it neighbor" the man says, " I'm your neighbor, I have a ranch only 6 miles from here, and I want to invite you to a Welcome Party I'm throwing for you next Saturday. There's going to be music, dancing, hugging, kissing, drinking, fighting.... We'll have a great time". Not wanting to be unneighborly the new rancher lowers the rifle and ask's " How should I dress?" " Aw, don't matter" replied the neighbor, " Only gonna be the two of us".



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: michael_legna on June 16, 2004, 01:32:33 PM
Here is a groaner in honor of BlackEyedPeas and the tenth anniversary of the Simpson low speed chase.

Q.  Why do cops in LA drink coffee with their donuts?

A.  It takes them three hours to get OJ.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on June 17, 2004, 02:27:30 AM
Here is a groaner in honor of BlackEyedPeas and the tenth anniversary of the Simpson low speed chase.

Q.  Why do cops in LA drink coffee with their donuts?

A.  It takes them three hours to get OJ.

Oklahoma Howdy to Michael_Legna,

 ;D   ;D  Whew!!! - That case showed that the criminal justice system doesn't work when big money is involved. I know some excellent officers in LA who will always have heartburn over that case. Besides, coffee is the only thing that goes really well with donuts.   ;D  The Oklahoma version of that chase would have taken about 5 minutes.

Love In Christ,
Tom


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Reba on June 17, 2004, 08:18:36 PM
This is a fun thread so i removed my post. Now if ya didn't read it you can wonder what i said... ;D  And besides this is a man only thread so i am outahere!  :o


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 18, 2004, 01:56:14 AM
Martha Stewart's tips for rednecks
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table...no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back.  Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux.  A leisure suit with a gotcha63bund and clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 18, 2004, 01:58:45 AM
35 top oxymoron's

35. State worker  
34. Legally drunk
33. Exact estimate
32. Act naturally
31. Found missing
30. Resident alien
29. Genuine imitation
28. Airline Food
27. Good grief
26. Government organization
25. Sanitary landfill
24. Alone together
23. Small crowd
22. Business ethics
21. Soft rock
20. Butt Head
19. Military Intelligence
18. Sweet sorrow
17. Rural Metro (ambulance service)
16. "Now, then ..."
15. Passive aggression
14. Clearly misunderstood
13. Peace force
12. Extinct Life
11. Plastic glasses
10. Terribly pleased
9. Computer security
8. Political science
7. Tight slacks
6. Definite maybe
5. Pretty ugly
4. Rap music
3. Working vacation
2. States tolerance

And the number one top Oxymoron.... 1. Microsoft Works
 


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 18, 2004, 02:01:56 AM
Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar.
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

At a grocery store in San Jose, they have new credit card/bank card readers at the checkout stands. If you don't know how to orient your card to swipe it through the reader, the checkout person will say, "Strip down, face toward me."

A customer at a sub shop ordered "a small soda." The owner responded, "I'm sorry, sir, but  we don't have small, just medium and large." (Both cost 99 cents.) The kicker came when the customer, a rather well-dressed business type, disappointedly said, "Okay, I guess I'll just have to have the medium then." ::)


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 18, 2004, 02:03:16 AM
Idiots and Geography:
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, Really? Where is Monosyllabia?" Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?

Advice for Idiots:
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees. Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.

Idiots in the Neighborhood:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 18, 2004, 02:04:00 AM
Idiots and Computers:
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

Idiots In Food Services:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

Idiots Do Math:
A co-worker was telling us about her sister who was coming to visit her for the holidays. Someone asked how old her sister was, at which she paused, thought for a bit, and then answered, "She's half as old as I am, that's how I always remember." So someone else (okay, it was me) said, "That's neat... So every year that you age, she only ages half a year?" My co-worker thought about that, and then said, "Oh, yeah, I guess it only works on even years."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 26, 2004, 02:02:46 AM
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the boat it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 26, 2004, 02:03:19 AM
A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says, "Why?! I'm a fun guy!"

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 26, 2004, 02:04:23 AM
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a huge fancy chrome plate. He asks the waiter, "What's with the fancy plate?" The
waiter replies, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side. So...the one flies over and the other one swims through. Which one gets to the worm first? The one who swam, of course, because "Da oily boid gets da woim."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 26, 2004, 02:04:56 AM
When she told me I was average she was just being mean.

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

Two molecules are walking down the street and they run in to each other.
One says to the other, "Are you all right?"
"No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive!"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 26, 2004, 02:06:00 AM
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately... no pun in ten did.
 
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.  ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 26, 2004, 02:07:21 AM
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender... "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

I know some real groaners tonight. ::)


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on June 26, 2004, 09:41:32 PM
Quote
Dreamweaver Said:

And the number one top Oxymoron.... 1. Microsoft Works

Thanks brother - I needed those laughs.

I want to know how in the world Bill Gates sold XP.   ;D

After fighting with the OS for over a week, I am now an administrator of a one person network with one computer that almosts works now.   ;D

Love In Christ,
Tom


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 28, 2004, 10:23:07 PM
Quote
Dreamweaver Said:

And the number one top Oxymoron.... 1. Microsoft Works

Thanks brother - I needed those laughs.

I want to know how in the world Bill Gates sold XP.   ;D

Love In Christ,
Tom
Your welcome bep ;D

He sold XP through people trusting him. And being greedy, which is a sin. :(


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 28, 2004, 10:25:41 PM
Five Parachutes
One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.
"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.

Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.

Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped. The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."

The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 28, 2004, 10:26:29 PM
Clocks
A man was walking in the woods and came to a cottage where the walls were covered with clocks. He asked the woman who owned the cottage what all the clocks were for.
She replied that everyone in the world had a clock, and every time you told a lie your clock advanced a second.

He saw a clock that was hardly moving and when he remarked about it he was told that it was Mother Teresa's. He then asked where Bill Clinton's clock was.

The woman replied, "It's in the kitchen, we're using it as a ceiling fan."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 28, 2004, 10:28:49 PM
Bar Bet
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 28, 2004, 10:29:46 PM
Hot Air Balloon
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist.

"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well" says the balloonist, "Everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must work in business."

"I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 28, 2004, 10:31:34 PM
Stingy Lawyer
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.

"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 28, 2004, 10:32:26 PM
Nose Picking
Deep Salvage Pick
Reminiscent of the deep sea exploration to find the Titanic ship, you probe deep into your nasal passages.
Utensil Pick
When fingers, and even your thumb, just aren't enough to get the job done to your satisfaction.

Extra Pick
When you have been digging for nuggets hours upon hours and suddenly you hit the jackpot! Excitement only equalled by winning the lottery.

Depression Pick
When your sad, and the only way to fill the void is to pick so hard and fast that the agony overcomes your feeling of remorse and depression.

Pick A Lot
What we would call abnormal amounts of picking. Anything in the three digit realm we consider a bit too much for a 24 hour time frame.

Kiddie Pick
When you're by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, there's no time limit!

Camouflaged Kiddie Pick
When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.

Fake Nose Scratch
When you make believe you've got an itch but you're really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.

Making A Meal Out Of It
You do it so furiously, and for so long, you're probably entitled to dessert.

Surprise Pickings
When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.

Autopick
The kind you do in a car, when no one's looking. Also can mean automatic pick, the one you do when your not even thinking about it, at work, while talking to a co-worker, during a meeting....

Pick Your Brains
Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.

Pick And Save
When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what you did.

Pick And Flick
Snot now becomes a weapon against your sister and others in range around you.

Pick And Stick
You wanted it to be a "Pick and Flick," but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.

Pipe Cleaner Pick
The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 28, 2004, 10:34:09 PM
Golfing Preacher
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right.
The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing."

God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him?"

God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"




Of course you know what happen when a hole-in-one happens................. you have to buy drinks for everyone on the golf course. ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 28, 2004, 10:36:43 PM
Enron Venture Capitalism
Feudalism - You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
Fascism - You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

Communism- You have two cows. Your neighbors help take care of them and you share the milk.

Totalitarianism- You have two cows. The government takes them both and denies they ever existed and drafts you into the army. Milk is banned.

Capitalism - You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

Enron Venture Capitalism - You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on June 28, 2004, 10:38:28 PM
This is for sincereheart............ ;D

Women Should Never Ask
There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to an article in an issue of Sassy magazine.
The five questions are:

1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answered properly, which is to say dishonestly.

For example:

"What are you thinking?"

The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."

Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:

a - Football
b - Baseball
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 06, 2004, 04:20:35 AM
Okay this thread has sat long enough.
So here are some groaners. ;D

Doctor, Doctor I tend to flush a lot.
Don't worry it's just a chain reaction!

Doctor, doctor I keep thinking I'm a bee
Buzz off can't you see I'm busy?

Doctor these pills you gave me for BO...
What's wrong with them?
They keep slipping out from under my arms!

Doctor, Doctor everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage.
Don't talk rubbish!

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a sheep.
That's baaaaaaaaaad!

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a bee.
Well buzz off I'm busy!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a mosquito
Go away, sucker!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 06, 2004, 04:21:56 AM
Doctor Doctor I swallowed a bone.
Are you choking?
No, I really did!

Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses
You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop!

Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?
Use a pencil ‘till I get there

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell?
Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu!
Didn't I see you yesterday?

Doctor, Doctor I've got wind! Can you give me something?
Yes - here's a kite!

Doctor, how do I stop my nose from running?!
Stick your foot out and trip it up!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 06, 2004, 04:22:50 AM
Doctor Doctor I think I'm a moth.
So why did you come around then?
Well, I saw this light at the window...!

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee
Have you tried taking the spoon out?

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a spoon!
Well sit still and don't stir!

Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.

Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?
Of course. Just take this hammer and hit yourself in the head. Then you'll have a bad headache.

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me
One at a time please

Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?
I never make rash promises!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 06, 2004, 04:23:08 AM
Doctor Doctor I feel like a racehorse.
Take one of these every 4 laps!

Doctor, doctor my sister here keeps thinking she's invisible!
What sister?

Doctor, Doctor I'm on a diet and it's making me irritable. Yesterday I bit someones ear off.
Oh dear, that's a lot of calories!

Doctor, Doctor Can I have second opinion?
Of course, come back tomorrow!

Doctor, Doctor you have to help me out!
Certainly, which way did you come in?

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God
When did this start?
Well first I created the sun, then the earth...

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m invisible
Who said that?


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 06, 2004, 04:24:41 AM
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a snake about to shed it's skin.
Why don't you go behind the screen and slip into something more comfortable then!

Doctor: You need new glasses
Patient: How do you know?, I haven't told you whats wrong with me yet
Doctor: I could tell as soon as you walked in through the window!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a snail
Don't worry we'll soon have you out of your shell!

Doctor, Doctor I feel like an apple.
We must get to the core of this!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a butterfly
Will you say what you mean and stop flitting about!

Doctor, Doctor I'm boiling up!
Just simmer down!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm an adder
Great, can you help me with my accounts then please!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 06, 2004, 04:24:58 AM
Doctor, Doctor I keep painting myself gold
Don't worry it's just a gilt complex!

Doctor, Doctor I've broke my arm in two places
Well don't go back there again then!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a dog.
How long have you felt like this?
Ever since I was a puppy!
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm turning into a frog
Your just playing too much croquet!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a yo-yo.
Are you stringing me along!

Doctor, Doctor I dream there are monsters under my bed, what can I do?
Saw the legs off of your bed!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 06, 2004, 04:25:15 AM
Doctor, Doctor When I press with my finger here... it hurts, and here... it hurts, and here... and here... What do you think is wrong with me?
You have a broken finger!

Doctor Doctor I feel like biscuits!
What, you mean those square ones?
Yes!
The ones you put butter on?
Yes!
Oh, You're Crackers!

Doctor, Doctor My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film!
Hmmmm. Let's hope nothing develops.

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains
Well pull yourself together then

Doctor, Doctor I snore so loud I keep myself awake
Sleep in another room then!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 06, 2004, 04:26:42 AM
Doctor, doctor my baby's swallowed a bullet
Well don't point him at anyone until I get there!

Doctor, Doctor I've just swallowed a pen
Well sit down and write your name!

Doctor, Doctor I'm becoming invisible.
Yes I can see you're not all there!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a frog
What's wrong with that
I think I'm going to croak

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a vampire.
Necks please!

Doctor how can I cure my sleep walking?
Sprinkle tin-tacks on your bedroom floor!

Doctor, Doctor my sister thinks she is a lift!
Well tell her to come in
I can't she doesn't stop at this floor!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 06, 2004, 04:26:59 AM
Doctor: You seem to be in excellent health. Your pulse is as regular as clockwork.
Patient: That's because you've got your hand on my watch!

Doctor, Doctor I've had tummy ache since I ate three crabs yesterday.
Did they smell bad when you took them out of their shells?
What do you mean "took them out of their shells!"

Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me.
Next please!

Doctor, Doctor, some days I feel like a tee-pee and other days I feel like a wig-wam.
You're too tents.

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
But I'm not allowed up on the couch!

Doctor, Doctor I've a split personality
Well, you'd better both sit down then!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a nit
Will you get out of my hair!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 06, 2004, 04:27:09 AM
Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I'm a caterpillar
Don't worry you'll soon change!

Doctor, Doctor you've taken out my tonsils, my adenoids, my gall bladder, my varicose veins and my appendix, but I still don't feel well.
That's quite enough out of you!

Doctor, Doctor I've got bad teeth, foul breath and smelly feet.
Sounds like you've got Foot and Mouth disease!

Doctor, Doctor my husband smells like fish
Poor sole!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a spider
What a web of lies!

Doctor, Doctor I'm a burglar!
Have you taken anything for it?

Doctor, Doctor my baby is the image of his father
Never mind just so long as he's healthy!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 06, 2004, 04:27:53 AM
Doctor, Doctor I’ve lost my memory!
When did this happen?
When did what happen?

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a rubber band
Why don't you stretch yourself out on the couch there and tell me all about it!

Doctor, Doctor everyone thinks I'm a liar
I can't believe that!

Doctor, Doctor I need something to keep my falling hair in
What about a matchbox!

Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing double.
Please sit on the couch.
Which one!

Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing an insect spinning around.
Don't worry, it's just a bug that's going around!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a moth
Get out of the way, your in my light!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 06, 2004, 04:28:08 AM
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a dog!
Sit!

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a needle.
I see your point!
Tell me straight Doc, Is it bad?
Well, I ouldn't start watching any new soap operas!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a telephone.
Well, take these pills and if they don't work then give me a ring!

Doctor, Doctor I'm having trouble with my breathing.
I'll give you something that will soon put a stop to that!

Doctor, Doctor what did the x-ray of my head show?
Absolutely nothing!

Doctor Doctor I'm so ugly what can I do about it?
Hire yourself out for Halloween parties!

Doctor, Doctor I keep painting myself gold
Don't worry it's just a gilt complex!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 06, 2004, 04:29:22 AM
Doctor, Doctor, I can't get to sleep.
Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.

Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking
Do you drink a lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a woodworm
How boring for you!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bridge
What's come over you?
Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm an electric eel
That's shocking!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a python
You can't get round me just like that you know!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on July 07, 2004, 01:47:10 AM
Oklahoma Howdy to DreamWeaver,

 ;D   ;D   ;D  Brother, thanks for the laughs. I don't even have groaners to reply with. My brothers, kids, and my wife usually keep me supplied with a few jokes, but the well must be dry now.

Love In Christ,
Tom


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: michael_legna on July 08, 2004, 03:35:41 PM
Those were as funny as ...

...a flood in a fizzies factory

... a fire in a match factory

... a rubber crutch

... a screen door on a submarine

Anyone remember all these groaners from when we were kids?

Any of your younger ones even know what fizzies are?


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 08, 2004, 05:26:24 PM
Those were as funny as ...

...a flood in a fizzies factory

Anyone remember all these groaners from when we were kids?

Any of your younger ones even know what fizzies are?
That would have been something to see. A flood in a fizzies factory. ;D
Yes I know what fizzies were.


Title: Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Brother Love on July 09, 2004, 06:41:06 AM
Doctor, doctor my baby's swallowed a bullet
Well don't point him at anyone until I get there!

Doctor, Doctor I've just swallowed a pen
Well sit down and write your name!

Doctor, Doctor I'm becoming invisible.
Yes I can see you're not all there!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a frog
What's wrong with that
I think I'm going to croak

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a vampire.
Necks please!

Doctor how can I cure my sleep walking?
Sprinkle tin-tacks on your bedroom floor!

Doctor, Doctor my sister thinks she is a lift!
Well tell her to come in
I can't she doesn't stop at this floor!
;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 12, 2004, 12:23:55 AM
Since bep is a former cop.......... you might enjoy these groaners, bep. ;D


In March, A Krispy Kreme Doughnut truck was hijacked in Louisiana. The Police were in hot persuit, until the truck lost its load. The man who hijacked the truck was at large for three months.  

Q. How can you tell if a vampire has been in a bakery?
A. All of the jelly has been taken out of the Jelly Doughnuts.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 12, 2004, 12:25:26 AM
Visitor : "Knock knock?"

Worker: "Who's there?"

Visitor : "Doughnut Man."

Worker: "Doughnut Man who?"

Visitor : "For the last time, do not (doughnut) bother me with your useless 'Knock-Knock' jokes!"

Worker: "But you started it!"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 12, 2004, 12:29:20 AM
Now for a little  bit "Lord of the Rings, jokes. ;D

"Trolls! Trolls!" - Pippin yelled.
"No," - Frodo smiled. "You forgot your own history. Those three are made of stone and their names are  Washington, Lincoln and Jefferson".

The herald from Mordor promised Dain all 7 Rings, for his cooperation. 4 of the Rings he promised to pull back from the dragons. And if Dain refused,  he  would  received those 4 rings,  anyway....   _with_ the dragons..... ;D

Q. How many hobbits does it take to change a lightbulb?
A.  One hobbit and a large heap of Russian translations of The Lord of the Rings to help him reach the lamp.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 12, 2004, 12:30:31 AM
How many hobbits does it take to change a light
bulb?

One to complain that the light bulb isn't working,
Five to hold a meeting to decide what to do about it,
Twenty to form an expedidtion to the fabled Lightbulb mines of
Mythrill,
   Thirty to throw a going away party,
   One to ask Gandalf for directions,
   One to sell into slavery when the petty cash runs out,
   Five to get lost through natural wastage (bandits, murderers, monsters etc),
   One to thrown to the Dragon that guards the Lightbulb mine,
   Two to carry the lightbulbs,
   Five to find a large, sword-welding barbarian to escort the
lightbulbs home,
   Thirty to throw a safe return party,
   Five to find an elf tall enough to change the lightbulb,
   Five to compose ballads of daring, heroism, sacrifice and
lightbulbs,
   Finally another two-hundred to appear in the subsequent
Tolkien books.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 12, 2004, 12:32:48 AM
A LOR Ring chant ::)

Nine megs for the secretaries fair,
Seven megs for the hackers scarce,
Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs,
Three megs for system source;

One disk to rule them all,
One disk to bind them,
One disk to hold the files
And in the darkness grind 'em.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 12, 2004, 12:35:10 AM
Grundig blaupunkt luger frug
Watusi snarf wazoo!
Nixon dirksen nasahist
Rebozo boogaloo.

Inscription in black language
from the "Bored of the rings"



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 12, 2004, 12:36:25 AM
Anopther LOR chant ::)

The Internet

Three Nets for the Stanford Nethax
under the Quad,
Seven for the MIT Hackers
in their halls of stone,
Nine for Crays doomed to die,
One for NIC on its dark DECSYSTEM-2060
In the LANs of SRI
where the shadows lie.
One Internet to rule them all,
One Internet to find them,
One Internet to bring them all
and in the ether bind them
In the LANs of SRI
where the shadows lie.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 12, 2004, 12:37:10 AM
A slightly more modern version

Three servers for Athena,
which now runs MIT,
Nine for BARRNet,
doomed to plunge into the Sea
Seven for Rutgers & JvNCNet,
always a luse,
One for the NIC,
to do whatever they choose.
One server to rule them,
one server to find them,
One server to run them all,
and with %HOSTADDR bind them,
In the land of Mordor
where the shadows lie.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on July 13, 2004, 12:23:00 AM
 ;D  Donut - What donut? That's not granulated sugar on my lip.

Thanks for the laughs.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 13, 2004, 03:08:26 AM
;D  Donut - What donut? That's not granulated sugar on my lip.

Thanks for the laughs.
With the week you have had, I think you needed the laughs.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 27, 2004, 03:25:14 AM
A few groaners for tonight, I'm bored.

Jesus said: “Love thy neighbor.”  (Matthew 22:39)
Elvis said: “Don't be cruel.” (RCA, 1956)

Jesus is the Lord's shepherd.
Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd.

Jesus was part of the Trinity.
Elvis' first band was a trio.

Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25)
Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965)

Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members.
Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.

Jesus was resurrected.
Elvis had the famous 1968 “comeback” TV special.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 27, 2004, 03:26:05 AM
Jesus said, “If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and
drink.”(John 7:37)
Elvis said, “Drinks on me!” (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957)

Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights.
Elvis had irregular eating habits. (e.g. 5 banana splits for
breakfast)

Jesus is a Capricorn. (December 25)
Elvis is a Capricorn. (January 8)

Matthew was one of Jesus' many biographers.
(The Gospel According to Matthew)
Neil Matthews was one of Elvis' many biographers.
(Elvis: A Golden Tribute)

“[Jesus] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow.”(Matthew 28:3)
Elvis wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightening bolts.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 27, 2004, 03:27:21 AM
Jesus lived in state of grace in a Near Eastern land.
Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.

Mary, an important woman in Jesus' life, had an Immaculate Conception.
Priscilla, an important woman in Elvis' life, went to Immaculate
Conception High School.

Jesus was first and foremost the Son of God.
Elvis first recorded with Sun Studios, which today are still
considered to be his foremost recordings.

Jesus' Father is everywhere. ;D
Elvis' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.

Jesus was a carpenter.
Elvis' favorite high school class was wood shop.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 27, 2004, 03:31:07 AM
"John Kerry told Tom Ridge he was too busy to receive a Homeland Security briefing. I thought that was odd, since you're not supposed to ignore terrorist threats until after you become president." —David Letterman

"There was an embarrassing moment at a recent Democratic fundraiser. When John Kerry was handed a $10 million dollar check, he said, 'I do.'" —Craig Kilborn


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 27, 2004, 03:31:39 AM
Jesus wore a crown of thorns.
Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler.

Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters.
Elvis Presley has 12 letters.

Jesus said: “Man shall not live by bread alone."
Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 27, 2004, 03:32:50 AM
"John Kerry suspended his campaign for five days this week in honor of President Reagan. And right now, he's ahead in the polls. How's that make him feel? Disappears for a week and he's up in the polls. What else can he do now but go into hiding." —Jay Leno ;D

"'Shrek 2' made over $120 million during its first week. In a related story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him." —Conan O'Brien

"John Kerry met with Ralph Nader last week. Both sides of every issue were discussed. And then, Nader spoke." —Jay Leno


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 27, 2004, 03:34:20 AM
The new John Kerry Bill.
(http://www.slick.com/new/gaggifts/webpages/graphics/KerryFrontSm.gif)

"This is so weird. I saw the new John Kerry campaign commercial and he says, 'I'm John Kerry and I approve of this message — if I have one.'" —Craig Kilborn

"John Kerry and Ralph Nader met face-to-face, it was a historic meeting. Astronomers said today their meeting actually created what is called a 'charisma black hole.'" —Jay Leno



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 27, 2004, 03:35:16 AM
"Gas prices are up, the stock market is down, Iraq is a mess and John Kerry is saying, 'How am I gonna beat this guy?" —David Letterman

"Bill Clinton has a brand new book coming out and the Democrats are worried that the Clinton book might upstage the Kerry campaign. I'm thinking, h***, day-old meat loaf could upstage that campaign." —David Letterman

"The campaign for the White House is heating up with John Kerry taking heat for throwing his Vietnam medals away, getting a $1000 haircut, and wearing a 1970s wig known as 'the Leno.' There are really two sides to this story. And America can't wait for Kerry to present both of them." —David Letterman


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 27, 2004, 03:36:07 AM
"President Bush said John Kerry is on both sides of every issue. And Kerry replied, 'No, I'm not ... but there is some truth to that.' " —Craig Kilborn

"The prisoner scandal is yet another election year problem for President Bush. And, with the economy still struggling, combat operations in Iraq dragging on, and the 9-11 hearings revealing damning information, even an opponent of limited political skill should be able to capitalize on those problems. The Democrats, however, chose to nominate John Kerry." —Jon Stewart

"Insiders have begun voicing serious concerns about how he's conducting his campaign. One aide told the New York Times that while Bush's message of 'steady leadership' has remained consistent, Kerry has gone through six different messages in the 18 months he's been running, including, at one particularly desperate juncture, 'Kerry: Health care jobs for the troops' environment.'" —Jon Stewart


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 27, 2004, 03:37:08 AM
"John Kerry spent the day reading to preschoolers ... and the kids said Kerry actually lacked warmth and failed to articulate a clear message." —David Letterman

"Lot of people wondering if John Kerry supports gay marriages. Here's a hint ... he gets $1,000 haircuts." —Craig Kilborn

"Courtney Love said she once escorted Kerry to a concert. John Kerry once went out with Courtney Love and he's questioning Bush's judgment." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry announced his plan for how to handle those poor naked prisoners. His wife is going to buy them all a $1,000 Armani suit." —Craig Kilborn


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 27, 2004, 03:38:01 AM
"Kerry was here in Los Angeles. He was courting the Spanish vote by speaking Spanish. And he showed people he could be boring in two languages." —Jay Leno

"President Bush listed his income as $822,000. You know what John Kerry calls someone who earns $822,000? Not even worth dating." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry fell off of his bicycle over the weekend. He went for a Sunday afternoon ride, fell off in front of the news media. Luckily, his hair broke the fall so it's not as serious. ... Thankfully, Senator Kerry was not seriously injured. In fact, when the police arrived, Kerry was well enough to give conflicting reports to the officers about what happened." —Jay Leno


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 27, 2004, 03:39:55 AM
"John Kerry's wife Teresa Heinz is on the cover of Newsweek magazine this week and they said that if he is elected president, she will be the oldest first lady in American history. But that doesn't bother John Kerry, he said, 'To me, she looks like a million bucks'" —Jay Leno

"John Kerry reportedly flew in his private hairdresser before his "Meet the Press" interview for a total cost of $1,000. That's $1,000 for a haircut, which sounds like a lot, but have you seen the size of Kerry's head." —Jay Leno ;D

For you Munster fans;
"Well the good news for Democrats, now over half the country can identify a picture of John Kerry. The bad news, the majority still thinks he's the dad from 'The Munsters."' —Jay Leno


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 27, 2004, 03:40:57 AM
"John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the rich. You know, as opposed to John Kerry who just marries them." —Jay Leno

"They say John Kerry is the first Democratic presidential candidate in history to raise $50 million in a three-month period. Actually, that's nothing. He once raised $500 million with two words: 'I do.'" —Jay Leno

"Senator Kerry recovering very nicely after having shoulder surgery. The doctors said the senator was fully awake, lucid and joking after the surgery was done, but cautioned that that was just the drug. He went back to his boring self soon afterward." —Jay Leno


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 27, 2004, 03:41:33 AM
"John Kerry will undergo surgery to repair his right shoulder. He originally hurt it when he suddenly switched positions on Iraq." —Craig Kilborn

"Today, John Kerry announced a fool-proof plan to wipe out the $500B deficit. John Kerry has a plan, he's going to put it on his wife's Gold Card." —Craig Kilborn

"We make jokes about it but the truth is this presidential election really offers us a choice of two well-informed opposing positions on every issue. OK, they both belong to John Kerry, but they're still there." —Jay Leno

"The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry. You can understand why — with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him." —Jay Leno


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 27, 2004, 03:43:03 AM
"John Kerry is busy trying to raise money right now for his campaign. It was reported today that Kerry's hoping to raise $80 million before the Democratic convention. That's a lot of money. Yeah, Kerry has two ways to raise the $80 million: soliciting Democratic donors and going through his wife's purse." —Conan O'Brien

"John Kerry says that he wants to debate President Bush once a month until the election. This could be a risky move for Senator Kerry. If Bush doesn't show up for the debates, John Kerry may end up debating an empty chair. And that could be pretty much a toss up as to which one has the better personality." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry described his Republican critics as 'the most crooked, lying group I've ever seen.' Now, that's saying something, because Kerry's both a lawyer and a politician." —Jay Leno

"The White House begun airing their TV commercials to re-elect the president, and the John Kerry campaign is condemning his use of 9/11 in the ads. He said, it is unconscionable to use the tragic memory of a war in order to get elected, unless of course, it's the Vietnam War." —Jay Leno


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 27, 2004, 03:44:31 AM
"John Kerry has promised to take this country back from the wealthy. Who better than the guy worth $700 million to take the country back? See, he knows how the wealthy think. He can spy on them at his country club, at his place in Palm Beach, at his house in the Hamptons. He's like a mole for the working man." —Jay Leno

"I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal." —David Letterman

"John Kerry will be the Democratic nominee for president. Democrats finally found someone who is Al Gore without the flash and the sizzle." —Craig Kilborn

 "Kerry has already begun his search for a running mate. They say that because John Edwards still has $50 million in campaign money, Kerry might pick him. Pick him? Hey, for $50 million, Kerry will marry him." —Jay Leno




Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 27, 2004, 03:45:13 AM
"Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton." —David Letterman

"During last night's debate, John Kerry and John Edwards were so friendly to each other some political experts think that they may end up running together. In fact Kerry and Edwards were so friendly, President Bush accused them of planning a gay marriage." —Conan O'Brien

"It really kind of looks like now that John Kerry is on his way to the presidential nomination. The only thing that can sink John Kerry now is an Al Gore endorsement." —Jay Leno

"According to a new study, Botox injections can help back pain. So you see, that's why John Kerry had all that Botox — his back was killing him from all that flip-flopping on issues." —Jay Leno


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 27, 2004, 03:46:39 AM
"An Internet rumor claims that John Kerry had an affair with a young woman. When asked if this was similar to the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal, a spokesman said 'Close, but no cigar.'" —Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Over the weekend, John Kerry — the big John Kerry juggernaut moves on — he won primaries in Washington D.C., Nevada and, I think, Canada. And he's so confident that he's started nailing that intern again." —David Letterman

"Presidential campaign getting kind of ugly, did you hear about this? Yesterday, a 27-year-old woman came for to deny rumors that she had an affair with Democratic front-runner John Kerry. The woman added, 'I would never cheat on Bill Clinton.'" —Conan O'Brien

"Senator John Kerry released his plan today to eliminate the deficit. He said all we have to do is find a really rich country like Switzerland and marry it." —Jay Leno

"The head of the AFL-CIO endorsed John Kerry, saying, 'The time has come to come behind one man, one leader, one candidate.' Then he said, 'And until we find that man, we will endorse John Kerry.'" —Conan O'Brien


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 27, 2004, 03:47:44 AM
"The Democrats are all over this. Democratic strategists feel John Kerry's war record means he can beat Bush. They say when it comes down to it voters will always vote for a war hero over someone who tried to get out of the war. I'll be sure to mention that to Bob Dole when I see him." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry said today that he wants to get rid of tax cuts for the rich and his wife said, 'Hey, shut up! What's the matter with you?! Are you nuts?!'" —Jay Leno

"They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and they said his first wife was worth around $300 million and his second wife, his current wife, is worth around $700 million. So when John Kerry says he's going after the wealthy in this country, he's not just talking. He's doing it!" —Jay Leno

"In a new issue of Esquire magazine, they revealed that before he was married to Teresa Heinz, Senator John Kerry dated Morgan Fairchild, Michelle Phillips, Catherine Oxenberg and Dana Delany. Finally a Democratic presidential candidate with good taste in women." —Jay Leno


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 27, 2004, 03:49:09 AM
"It's nine months before the election and Bush's poll numbers have fallen to the exact level that his father's poll numbers were nine months before he lost to Bill Clinton. Today front runner John Kerry said he's not superstitious, but just to be on the safe side, he's going to start nailing everything that moves." —Bill Maher

"John Kerry was officially endorsed by Dick Gephardt, and Kerry said, 'What did I ever do to you?'" —Craig Kilborn

"A number of plastic surgeons are claiming that looking at John Kerry now, as opposed to a few months ago, they believe he's had Botox shots. They claim a number of his worry lines have vanished. They haven't vanished, just Howard Dean is wearing them now." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry is finding out that it is no fun to be the front runner, that's when you get all the heat. He had to deny internet rumors this week that he had Botox treatments. The Republicans say Kerry should have a clear, unfurrowed brow the old fashioned way by not giving a darn." —Bill Maher



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 27, 2004, 03:50:20 AM
"In his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said that he wanted to defeat George Bush and the 'economy of privilege.' Then he hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the multi-million dollar Heinz food fortune." —Jay Leno

"Political experts are saying the reason John Kerry is doing so well is because he’s 'electable.' Hey, so was Al Gore — in fact, he even got elected and it didn't help him at all." —Jay Leno

"A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away." —Dennis Miller

"The big winner last night in New Hampshire — Senator John Kerry. He won 39 percent of the vote, which is pretty good, and begs the question, why the long face?" —Jay Leno

"Real movement in the Kerry campaign now. His poll numbers are moving, donations are moving, endorsements are moving. The only thing not moving is his hair." —Jay Leno ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 27, 2004, 03:51:36 AM
"In his speech last night, John Kerry said this was the beginning of the end of the Bush administration. I agree. Sure, it may take another five years, but this is it." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry’s victory over Howard Dean has completely changed the presidential race around. Now instead of the rich white guy from Yale who lives in the White house facing off against the rich white guy from Yale who lives in Vermont, he may have to face the rich white guy from Yale who lives in Massachusetts. It’s a whole different game." —Jay Leno

"These campaigns are getting so nasty. They are going through people's old taxes, coming up with these old quotes. Today, somebody released footage of John Kerry throwing apples at Dorothy. To me he just looks like the tree from 'The Wizard of Oz.'" —Bill Maher

"During the Democratic presidential debate Howard Dean started off by apologizing to the crowd for having a cold. Then John Kerry apologized for once having a cold while serving his country in Vietnam." —Conan O'Brien

"John Kerry was the big winner in Iowa. Ted Kennedy introduced Kerry as the 'comeback kid.' That used to be Bill Clinton's name — because every time he would come back to a city, he would find out if he had a kid or not." —Jay Leno


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 27, 2004, 03:54:34 AM
"Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?" —David Letterman

"In an interview with Rolling Stone, Senator John Kerry, who is running for president, said that when he voted for the war in Iraq, he didn't expect President Bush to mess it up as badly as he did.' Here's some breaking news, tomorrow former Vice President Al Gore expected to endorse Howard Dean as the Democratic nominee for president of the United States — and you thought John Kerry was using four letter words before! Actually, to John Kerry, Dean is a four letter word." —Jay Leno

"The Boston Globe is reporting that Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry used to date actress Morgan Fairchild but it didn't work out. Apparently she couldn't handle dating someone with bigger hair then she had." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry is recovering nicely after having prostate surgery. But the doctors did tell him it would be several months before he could be sexually active again. All the other Democratic candidates have been very supportive. Joe Lieberman called to wish him the best. The Rev. Al Sharpton called to offer prayers. Former President Bill Clinton called Mrs. Kerry and asked if she was lonely." —Jay Leno

Okay I think thats enough groaners for one night.......... ::) ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on July 27, 2004, 11:21:40 AM
 ;D   ;D  Dreamweaver, Those are not groaners - this is a groaner:

I'm developing a new lightbulb. It's called the:

DarkSucker!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on July 27, 2004, 11:30:46 AM
You Know Your Getting Old When...

You have breakfast in bed as a necessity rather than as a luxury.
You remember that your teen heart throb was Vincent Price.
You hear about CROWDED HOUSING and think it is some sort of new federal program.
You are anxiously awaiting your local yogurt store to come out with "oatmeal bran" flavor.
You can no longer even remember your true hair color.
You have stopped counting freckles and started tabulating age spots.
You hear a Beatles record on the elevator at the Doctor's Building and you know the words.
The salesgirls laugh when you suggest that white is the color for a wedding.
Your favorite radio star is given an award, posthumously.
You see antique stores selling old Remington Portable Typewriters, and you purchase one.
Your doctor is just old enough to be your grand-daughter.
You remember when the outfit you are wearing was first in style.
You realize that if John Wayne were your age, he would be dead 22 years.
The kid who repairs your windshield wiper is the same age as your greatgrandson.
You keep shopping for a shampoo with Lanolin extract in it.
Plowing the fields involved putting the harness on the horse.
You sign a petition for Lawrence Welk Show reruns on the local television station.
You ask for beer shampoo and no one knows what you are talking about.
You know what Bon Ami is.
You reach for Watkin's Liniment for any sort of pain.
You recall when milk came in glass bottles and they were recycled automatically
You used to enjoy your bath with floating soap and trying to sink it.
You can remember getting tired legs simply from using the sewing machine.
You knew a time when people who worked in shoe stores knew something about shoes.
You can remember when there was no such thing as a phone answering machine.
You recall asking your wife's parents for permission to take her on a date.
You survived entire summers without air conditioning.
You really enjoyed brushing your teeth with Colgate.
You remember that all people did with grass was cut it.
Your idea of obscenity is jogging.
You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
You sink your teeth into a nice steak and they stay there.
You can make the wrinkles you see in the mirror disappear, simply by taking off your glasses.
You get your full share of exercise acting as a pallbearer for those who took their exercise.
You stop buying natural foods, because you need all the preservatives you can get.
Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
You feel like the night before, and you haven't been anywhere.
You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it is leaning against the wrong wall.
You join a health club and don't go.
You get out of the shower and are glad the mirror is all fogged up.
That gleam in your eye is from the sun, hitting your bifocals.
You begin to outlive enthusiasm.
Your little black book contains lots of names, all of which end in M.D.
You get winded, playing chess.
Your children begin to look middle aged.
You decide to procrastinate, but never get around to doing it.
You are still chasing women, but you can't remember why.
Your favorite feature in the newspaper is "Twenty-Five Years Ago Today."
Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
A dripping tap causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.
After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before you apply the second coat.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You turn out the light for economic rather than romantic reasons.
You are l7 around the neck, 54 around the waist, and 96 around the golf course.
You remember today that yesterday was your anniversary.
You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
That little gray haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
The best part of your day is over when the alarm clock goes off.
You walk around with your head held high, trying to get used to the trifocals.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't make it go.
Your idea of a long trip is to the BACK of the K-Mart.
Dialing long distance wears you out.
Your pharmacist offers to carry the bag of medicines to the car for you.
You go to the barber shop and the barber asks why.
You're startled as someone addresses you as "old timer," for the first time.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You burn the midnight oil after 9:00 PM.
Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up and down as you watch a young girl walk by.
Your back goes out more often than you do.
A fortune teller offers to read your face.
You regret making all those mistakes, resisting temptations.
You really don't look forward to celebrating your next birthday.
You not only get a senior citizen discount, but the clerk comments you should!
Your idea of a sports event is a wheelchair race.
You get tired watching the fish swim around in the aquarium.
Most of your day is spent making appointments with different doctors.
You get up at night and go to the bathroom and can't recall why.
You check the obituaries in the paper for your daily status report.
A funeral director calls and makes idle conversation, asking how you feel.
Pushing the buttons on the remote control for television is confusing.
You sit and envy your parakeet for the energy it has to move around so much.
You find TV ads for new laxatives interesting.
You lose an argument with a phone answering device.
Your idea of a complete day is to be able to finish the crossword puzzle.
You argue with your best friend about which denture adhesive is better.
You take real interest in hospital admissions listed in the paper, to keep track of your friends.
You've been driving for 46 years and are now upset about taking a driver exam.
You visit a friend in the hospital and the emergency staff come toward you with a wheelchair.
While trying to work out your hospital bill, you  to take medication for your blood pressure.
That last visit to the specialist cost you more than you earned in the first four years at work.
Taking out a three year subscription to a magazine is an act of positive thinking and optimism.
You decide to put off one more day what you decided to put off one more day.
You find yourself taking pleasure in comparative shopping cemetery lots.
You really don't care who wins the Reader's Digest Sweepstakes.
No matter who is elected or what they say, taxes get raised.
You can remember when Doctors recommended Chesterfield Cigarettes 5 to l.
Your idea of strenuous exercise is a Bridge tournament.
You get excited simply watching the Weather Channel on television.
You go to the Mall not to shop but get a free blood pressure examination.
You look forward to the next sale on Supporthose.
You go to a sporting goods store to check prices on walking shoes.
Licking stamps on your letters is a hard day's work.
Thinking about alternatives just wears you out.
You've got it all together, but you don't remember what to do with it.
The doctor tells you that you are as sound as a dollar, and you get very upset and worried.
Your idea of a wild drinking party is a medium size Coca Cola.
You notice that your high school classmate looks older than sin.
You are on a first name basis with the chief surgical nurse at the hospital.
You can recall when service stations actually were.
You call the ambulance dispatcher and he tells you your address.
You begin to lose hope of ever finishing your Green Stamp book.
You can remember when it wasn't necessary to call the bank before the plumber.


(Now - This is a groaner)


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on July 27, 2004, 11:42:21 AM
(This area is for men only, so you might be safe reading this)

The Rules Of Women:


The female always makes the rules.                        

No male can possibly know all the rules.                                                  

The rules are subject to change at any time without notification.                                              

If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she MUST immediately change some or all of the rules.                        

The female is never wrong.    

If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said.

If rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.

The Male must never change his mind without written consent from the Female.    

The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.    

The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.    

Any attempt to document these rules could result in bodily harm.

If the Female has PMS, all rules are null and void.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on July 27, 2004, 11:49:48 AM
Useful Phrases:


"Akbar khalikili haftir lotfan"
(Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun)

"Shomaeh fekr tamomeh oeh gofteh bande"
(I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life)

"Auto arraregh davateman mano sephehhast"
(It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car)

"Khrel jepaheh maneh vajateii amrikahey"
(I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies travelling as  reporters)

"Balli, balli, balli!"
(Whatever you say!)

"Maternier ghermez ahlieh, ghorban"
(The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency)

"Tikeh nuneh ba ob khrelleh bezorg va khrube boyast ino begeram"
(The watersoaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe)



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on July 27, 2004, 11:53:44 AM
Laws:

O'REILLY'S LAW OF THE KITCHEN
Cleanliness is next to impossible.

LIEBERMAN'S LAW
Everybody lies; but it doesn' matter, since nobody listens.

DENNISON'S LAW
Virtue is its own punishment.

GOLD'S LAW
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

HANDY GUIDE TO MODERN SCIENCE
If it's green or it wiggles - it's biology
If it stinks, it's chemistry
If it doesn't work, it's physics

CONWAY'S LAW
In any organization there will always be one person who knows what  is going on.  This person MUST be fired.

GREEN'S LAW OF DEBATE
Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.

STEWART'S LAW OF RETROACTION
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

FIRST RULE OF HISTORY
History doesn't repeat itself --- historians merely repeat each others.

FINSTER'S LAW
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

OLIVER'S LAW OF LOCATION
No matter where you go, there you are.

LYNCH'S LAW
When the going gets tough - everyone leaves.

GLYME'S FORMULA FOR SUCCESS
The secret of success is sincerity.  Once you can fake it, you've got it made.

MASON'S FIRST LAW OF SYNERGISM
The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.

THE SAUSAGE PRINCIPLE
People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either one being made.

HARRISON'S POSTULATE
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

HALON'S RAZOR
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.

MUIR'S LAW
When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on July 27, 2004, 11:57:18 AM
A Rotten Day!

You know it's going to be a ROTTEN DAY when...
1.  You wake up face down on the footpath.
2.  You put your bra on backwards, and it fits better.
3.  You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
4.  You see a '60 Minutes' team waiting in your office.
5.  Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
6.  You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party, and there aren't any.
7.  You put on the News and they are showing emergency routes out of  the city.
8.  Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
9.  Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of 'Hell's Angels' along the freeway.
10. The boss tells you not to bother taking off your coat.
11. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
12. You walk to work and then find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose (that's even more embarrassing for ladies).
13. You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.
14. Your blind date turns out to be your wife.
15. Your income tax cheque bounces.
16. You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
17. Your wife say's 'Good morning, Bill' and your name is John.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shylynne on July 28, 2004, 06:21:28 PM
You know it's going to be a ROTTEN DAY when...
Your blind date turns out to be your wife.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  :-X



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on July 29, 2004, 12:18:50 AM
 ;D  Shylynne,

Sister, I have a warped sense of humor, so I liked:

11. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Kristi Ann on July 29, 2004, 12:32:21 AM
yadda buster!   :'(


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on July 29, 2004, 07:39:38 PM
yadda buster!   :'(

Sister,

If this is in reference to the vulture joke, I identified with it since I feel they have been circling me for most of my life, either in police work or in illness since 1998. To be absent from the body is to be present in JESUS, so the outcome is JOY. Death is a worry, even for Christians, because we are weak humans, BUT:

For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.  Philippians 1:21

And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds though Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:7

So, I try not to worry about it. Sister, you and I share the same boat in more ways than one. I'm praying for you, and I would sincerely appreciate your prayers for me.

Love In Christ,
Tom


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 30, 2004, 01:35:25 AM
yadda buster!   :'(

Sister,

If this is in reference to the vulture joke, I identified with it since I feel they have been circling me for most of my life, either in police work or in illness since 1998. To be absent from the body is to be present in JESUS, so the outcome is JOY. Death is a worry, even for Christians, because we are weak humans, BUT:

For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.  Philippians 1:21

And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds though Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:7

So, I try not to worry about it. Sister, you and I share the same boat in more ways than one. I'm praying for you, and I would sincerely appreciate your prayers for me.

Love In Christ,
Tom
I have been on SSDI since 1998 beeps.
But I think you know you hae my prayers anyway...... ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 30, 2004, 01:39:19 AM
Kerry's Promise
John Kerry said if he is elected President, and quickly ending the war, he has a plan to divide Iraq into four major groups: regular, mid-grade, premium and diesel."

If elected Kerry also plans to ask Congress for $25 million to restore one of Saddams Palaces, "White House East" for his own personaluse, he seems to think he would be safer among terrorist than the Americans!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 30, 2004, 01:43:55 AM
Special Holidays...

In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation for Easter and Passover holidays and decided to contact his lawyer about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while the Atheists had no holiday to celebrate.

The case was brought before a wise judge who after listening to the long, passionate presentation of his lawyer, promptly banged his gavel and declared, "Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling and said, "Your Honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? Surely the Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. And the Jews--why in addition to Passover they have Yom Kippur and Hanukkah...and yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!"

The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said "Obviously your client is too confused to know about or to celebrate the atheists' holiday!"
The lawyer pompously said "We are aware of no such holiday for atheists, just when might that be, your honor?"

The judge said "Well it comes every year on exactly the same
date--April 1st!"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 30, 2004, 01:44:22 AM
Happy birthday to you!

A couple phoned a neighbor to extend birthday greetings.
They dialed the number and then sang "Happy Birthday" to
him. But when they finished their off-key rendition, they
discovered that they had dialed the wrong number.

"Don't let it bother you," said a strange but amused
voice. "You folks need all the practice you can get."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 30, 2004, 01:46:27 AM
COMEDIANS ON KERRY
 
"The White House begun airing their TV commercials to
re-elect the president, and the John Kerry campaign is
condemning his use of 9/11 in the ads. He said, it is
unconscionable to use the tragic memory of a war in
order to get elected, unless of course, it's the Vietnam War."
-Jay Leno
 
"John Kerry has promised to take this country back from the
wealthy. Who better than the guy worth $700 million to take
the country back? See, he knows how the wealthy think. He
can spy on them at his country club, at his place in Palm
Beach, at his house in the Hamptons. He's like a mole for
the working man." - Jay Leno
 
"I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that
he's already planning his White House sex scandal."
-David Letterman


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 30, 2004, 01:47:41 AM
"Kerry has already begun his search for a running mate.
They say that because John Edwards still has $50 million in
>campaign money, Kerry might pick him. Pick him? Hey, for
$50 million, Kerry will change his position on gay marriage
and marry him." - Jay Leno
 
"Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now
supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy
has more positions than Paris Hilton." - David Letterman
 
"According to a new study, Botox injections can help back
pain. So you see, that's why John Kerry had all that Botox
 his back was killing him from all that flip-flopping on issues."  ;D
- Jay Leno


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 30, 2004, 01:49:23 AM
"In his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said
that he wanted to defeat George Bush and the 'economy of
privilege.' Then he hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the
multi-million dollar Heinz food fortune." - Jay Leno
 
"A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South
is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern
blacks is obvious. He is an ultra-liberal, ultra-wealthy
white man who lives far, far away." - Dennis Miller
 
"The big winner on Super Tuesday was Senator John Kerry. He won 39 percent of the vote, which is pretty good, and begs the question, why the long face?" - Jay Leno
 
"In his speech last night, John Kerry said this was the
beginning of the end of the Bush administration. I agree.
Sure, it will probably take another five years, but this is it."
-Jay Leno


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 30, 2004, 01:58:42 AM
To ensure fairness, we'll bring your George W. Bush jokes on the eve of the Republican National Convention.

"John Kerry told Tom Ridge he was too busy to receive a Homeland Security briefing. I thought that was odd, since you're not supposed to ignore terrorist threats until after you become president." David Letterman

"There was an embarrassing moment at a recent Democratic fundraiser. When John Kerry was handed a $10 million dollar check, he said, 'I do.'" Craig Kilborn

"John Kerry suspended his campaign for five days this week in honor of President Reagan. And right now, he's ahead in the polls. How's that make him feel? Disappears for a week and he's up in the polls. What else can he do now but go into hiding." Jay Leno

"'Shrek 2' made over $120 million during its first week. In a related story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him." Conan O'Brien

And thats the news and all the news tonight.......


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Evangelist on July 30, 2004, 05:03:42 PM
Two Rabbis were on the way to the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem. Avram looked at Hiram and said "why the long face, Hiram".

Hiram replied "ach! I just don't know what to do. Last night my son Ehud came home and told me that he had fallen in love with a lovely girl, and wanted to marry her, and she's a Christian, and he wants to be a Christian too and go to a seminary and be a preacher! HE WANT'S TO BE A CHRISTIAN!"

Avram said," oh my, I understand. Funny you should mention that, because last night my daughter Ruth came home and told me that she had met a wonderful young man, and was going to marry him, and he is a evangelist for a full-gospel church, and she had already been baptised and was going off with him. NOW SHE'S A CHRISTIAN!!"

About this time, they had reached the Wailing Wall, and both men began to tear at their clothes, and moan, and both lifted up their faces and hands to heaven and poured out their hearts and problems to God.

After each had told God of what their children were doing, suddenly the heavens shone brightly, and a big voice full of sympathy echoed out.....

"Funny you should mention that......"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on August 10, 2004, 12:29:46 AM
News is in that the Taliban's members are extremely offended by being called "towel heads." We have been informed that they do NOT wear towels on their heads.

They wear sheets. In the future please call them "sheet heads."



Dear Abby,

My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and supporters. They know he is a lying cheat, but they just ignore the issue.
He is a hard worker but many of his coworkers are leery of him. Every time he gets caught, he denies it all. Then he admits that he was wrong and begs me to forgive him.
This has been going on for so long, everyone in town knows he is a lying cheat. To top it off, he ignores me just because I am a lesbian.
Abby, I just don't know what to do.
Signed,
Frustrated


Dear Frustrated:

You should dump him. Now that you are finally a New York Senator, you don't need him anymore.

I know GROAN. ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on August 10, 2004, 12:32:38 AM
President Bush, Donald Rumsfeld and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the bartender, "Isn't that Bush, Rumsfeld and Powell sitting over there?"
Bartender says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW I I I ".
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Rumsfeld says, "Well, we're going to kill 25 million Iraqis this time and one bicycle repairman."
The guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman? Why kill a bicycle repairman?
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smartie?! I told you no one would worry about the 25 million Iraqis!"



The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened.
When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news.
"Ma," he shouted, "the results are in. I won the election!"
"Honestly?"
The politician's smiled faded. "Aw, heck, Ma, why bring that up at a time like this?"



There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in the USA.
Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil!
We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for this is purely geographical. All the oil is in Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, Wyoming, etc.
All the dipsticks are in Washington, DC. ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on August 10, 2004, 12:35:07 AM
"I can't believe that we are going to let a majority of the people decide what is best for this state." -- Rep. John Travis, D-Jackson

"This amendment does more damage than it does harm." --Rep. Cynthia Willard-Lewis, D-New Orleans

"Y'all are hurting my tender ears. I would appreciate it if y'all would scream one at a time." -- House Speaker John Alario, D-Westwego

"I was 15 years old before I ate my first chicken without tire tracks." -- Rep. Jay McCallum, D-Farmerville

Describing how it is to run through a gauntlet of lobbyists to get to the Senate chamber: "They're lined up like cooters on a log on a sunshiny day." -- Sen. B.B. "Sixty" Rayburn, D-Bogalusa


Afghan TV Guide
MONDAYS:
8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"
9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
10:00 - "Allah McBeal"

TUESDAYS:
8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune"
8:30 - "The Price is Right If Usama Says Its Right"
9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Afganistans Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"

WEDNESDAYS:
8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
8:30 - "When Northern Alliance Attack"
900 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread"
9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"
10:00 - "Veilwatch"

THURSDAYS:
8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
9:00 - "Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils"
9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"
10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"

FRIDAYS:
8:00 - "Judge Laden"
8:30 - "Funniest Super 8 Home Movies"
9:00 - "Captured Northern Alliance Rebels Say the Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Achmeds Creek"
10:00 - "No-witness News"
11:00 - "Beavis and Raghead"
12:00 - "This Old Tent" with Bob Villain

NEWS FLASH

SUNDAY EVENING:
11:00 - BOMBS AWAY!



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on August 10, 2004, 12:39:09 AM
Three guys, a Canadian, Osama bin Ladin and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state."
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
Uncle Sam (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out. It's virtually impenetrable."
Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."


At a meeting for peace negotiations President Bush and Sadamm Hussein were in Iraq. When Bush sat down in the conference room he noticed Saddamm had three buttons on the arm of his chair. After a few minutes, Sadamm pressed the first button and a boxing glove sprung up and hit Bush square in the jaw.
In the spirit of peace Bush decided to ignore this and continued talking until Sadamm pressed the second button and a wooden bat swung out and hit Bush in the chin.
Sadamm started laughing, but again Bush ignored this and continued.
A minute later Bush saw Sadamm press the third button so he jumped in the air, but a big boot sprung out and hit him in the stomach. Bush had decided he had enough of this and when back home.
Three weeks later the peace negotiations were re-scheduled in Washington DC and Sadamm sat down in Bush's conference room. He noticed that Bush also had three buttons on the arm of his chair.
A little while after they started talking Bush pressed the first button but nothing happened. Bush started giggling.
They continued to talk then Bush pressed the second button. Sadamm moved, but again nothing happened. Sadamm was getting a little jumpy and Bush was laughing even harder now.
A few minutes later Bush pressed the third button and his stomach started hurting because he was laughing so hard, but like the others nothing happened.
Sadamm had enough of this, stood up and said, "That's it! I'm going back to Iraq!"
To which Bush replied, "What Iraq?"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on August 10, 2004, 12:44:09 AM
The President was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon.
"Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, "there's good news and bad news."
"Oh, no" muttered the President. "Well, let me have the bad news first."
"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet."
"Gosh, and the good news?"
"The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil."


The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.
"What brings you before the Great Wizard?"
Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage."
"No problem" says the Wizard, "Who is next?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well.. Well.. Well.. I need a brain."
"Done," says the Wizard. "Who comes next before the Great Wizard?"
Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."
"I've heard it's true," says the Wizard. "Consider it done."
Then there is a great silence. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?"
"Is Dorothy around?"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on August 10, 2004, 12:47:09 AM
When Chelsea Clinton was eight, Hillary was reading one of her favorite fairy tales.
"Mommy," asked Chelsea, "Do all fairy tales begin with "Once Upon a Time...?"
"No, dearest," replied Hillary, "sometimes they start with 'Darling, I have to work a little late at the office tonight." ;D

Dr. Suess in Flordia
Can we count them with our nose?
Can we count them with our toes?
Should we count them with a band?
Should we count them all by hand?
If I do not like the count,
I will simply throw them out!

I will not let this vote count stand
I do not like them, AL GORE I am!

Can we change these numbers here?
Can we change them, calm my fears?
What do you mean, Dubya has won?
This is not fair, this is not fun
Let's count them upside down this time
Let's count until the state is mine!

I will not let this VOTE count stand!
I do not like it, AL GORE I am!

I'm really ticked, I'm in a snit!
You have not heard the last of it!
I'll count the ballots one by one
And hold each one up to the sun!
I'll count, recount, and count some more!
You'll grow to hate this little chore

But I will not, cannot let this vote count stand!
I do not like it, AL GORE I am!

I won't leave office, I'm stayin' here!
I've glued my desk chair to my rear!
Tipper, Hillary, and Bubba too,
All telling me that I should sue!
We find the Electoral College vile!
RECOUNT the votes until I smile!

We do not want this vote to stand!
We do not like it, AL GORE I am!

How shall we count this ballot box?
Let's count it standing in our socks!
Shall we count this one in a tree?
And who shall count it, you or me?
We cannot, cannot count enough!
We must not stop, we must be tough!

I do not want this vote to stand!
I do not like it, AL GORE I am!

What's that? What? What are you trying to say?
You think the current count should stay?
You do not like my counting scheme?
It makes you tense, gives you bad dreams?
Foolish people, you're wrong you'll see!
Your only care should be for me!

I will not let this vote count stand!
I do not like it, and AL GORE I am!



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on August 18, 2004, 02:39:38 AM
Republicans Democrats
The difference between Republicans & Democrats

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person.

The republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, He decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republicans pocket and gave him fifty dollars.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on August 18, 2004, 02:40:56 AM
What day is that day?
My four year old and I were discussing holidays, and I asked him, "What is the day which comes after Halloween when you have turkey?"

My husband quickly answered, "Election day."

----------------------------------------------------

The American myth is that every boy can grow up to be President.

The Bush reality now is that the boy doesn't have to grow up?!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on August 18, 2004, 02:42:27 AM
Short laughs, quips, and groaners

Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't.

There's one thing the Democrats and Republicans share in common: Our money.

...Veni, Vedi, Clinti--I came, I saw, I lied.
-------------------------------------------------

A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with 'Once Upon A Time'?"

He replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If elected I promise'."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on August 18, 2004, 02:43:12 AM
Funny Quotes from Gore
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/22/97

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/5/93

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/15/95

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 5/22/98

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'"

-- Vice President Al Gore, 12/6/93

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 11/30/96

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"The future will be better tomorrow."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/21/97

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."

-- Vice President Al Gore to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe."

-- Vice President Al Gore


Title: Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Brother Love on August 18, 2004, 06:08:49 AM
Republicans Democrats
The difference between Republicans & Democrats

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person.

The republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, He decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republicans pocket and gave him fifty dollars.


ROFLOL, How TRUE ;D ;D ;D

<:)))><


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: sincereheart on August 20, 2004, 08:46:52 AM
A new bar opened and everyone in town was talking about it. The buzz was because it had a robot-bartender. One fellow had to see this for himself, so in he goes and sits at the bar.

Sure enough, a robot was bar tending. The man orders a drink, and the robot asks him what his IQ is. The man replies that his IQ is 150. With that, the robot begins discussing nuclear physics, hydrogen power cells, and the current state of the global atmosphere.

This fellow is impressed. He wants to see what happens if he doesn't claim to be quite as bright. So, he leaves the bar and comes right back in and sits at the bar. Again, the robot asks him for his IQ. This time the guy tells him it's 100. So the robot starts discussing football, basketball, and the proper way to grill a steak.

Wow, this is amazing and it piques the man's interest in seeing how good this robot really is. Thus, he leaves and comes back in for a third time. This time he tells the robot that his IQ is 50. The robot replies: "So, are you democrats really going to vote for Kerry?"

 :-X

 ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: sincereheart on August 20, 2004, 08:59:15 AM
Presidential hopeful John Kerry has been telling the American people that he would fight a "better" war against terror, but not exactly how. At the UNITY 2004 conference for minority journalists, Kerry stated, "I believe I can fight a more effective, more thoughtful, more strategic, more proactive, more sensitive war on terror that reaches out to other nations and brings them to our side and lives up to American values in history." (This was the same conference, by the way, at which the neutral, non-partisan journalists broke out in wild cheers and whistling for Kerry, but heckled Bush as he spoke the very next day. But remember, folks, there's no media bias!)

In any case, it looks as though John Kerry needs help coming up with specific ways in which he can fight a more thoughtful and sensitive war on terror. In the spirit of cooperation, I'd like to suggest the following helpful list...

10. Stop calling it a "war." Rename it to the "Protest Against Terror." Protests always get people's attention and let them know that what you're protesting against is wrong.

9. Use softer bullets. Metal bullets hurt the terrorists, and that makes them hate us more.

8. Perhaps President Kerry can invite Osama bin Laden to the White House for a "cuddling party" with Kerry/Edwards. Nothing makes friends faster than a good cuddle.

7. Only go to war if the French and the UN say it's okay. Everyone knows how skillful the French are at dealing with other nations, and the UN has proven time and again its efficacy in dealing with terrorists.

6. Pull the troops out of Iraq within six months(http://www.npr.org/features/feature.php?wfId=3822655 (http://www.npr.org/features/feature.php?wfId=3822655)), but stay the course and even send more troops(http://msnbc.msn.com/id/3660748 (http://msnbc.msn.com/id/3660748)). If you have to ask, it's too nuanced for you.

5. Gently but firmly remind the terrorists that he was in Vietnam for four months thirty-five years ago. They won't dare pull anything then.

4. Ensure government owned and operated health care for all Americans, paid for with higher taxes. Terrorists won't bother to attack if they know all Americans have health care; it won't do any good then.

3. Stop eating pork and cover the women. Don't let them read or vote. That will show the terrorists that we understand them and appreciate their culture.

2. Don't call them "terrorists." They feel bad enough about our bullying, abusive foreign policy as it is. Call them "armed peace demonstrators." They'll feel more... peaceful.

1. Don't send soldiers; send social workers. All they really need is love and understanding.


In any case, it looks as though John Kerry needs help coming up with specific ways in which he can fight a more thoughtful and sensitive war on terror. In the spirit of cooperation, I'd like to suggest the following helpful list...

found on an internet search:
http://guardian.blogdrive.com/archive/cm-08_cy-2004_m-08_d-13_y-2004_o-0.html (http://guardian.blogdrive.com/archive/cm-08_cy-2004_m-08_d-13_y-2004_o-0.html)


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Symphony on August 20, 2004, 09:31:47 PM

This time the guy tells him it's 100. So the robot starts discussing football, basketball, and the proper way to grill a steak.



Hehe.   ;D




Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Symphony on August 20, 2004, 09:44:11 PM
A blonde goes into the hardware store.  "I wanna buy that tv set there."

"Sorry", says the clerk, "we don't sell to blondes".

Blonde goes home, dyes her hair.  Goes back.

"I wanna buy that tv set there."

"Sorry", says the clerk, "we don't sell to blondes".

Flustered, the blonde goes home, complete makeover, new clothes, shoes, sunglasses, waits a few days.  Goes back.

"I wanna buy that tv set there."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes. That's a microwave."


   
     :P


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on August 22, 2004, 01:17:36 AM
The young Priest

The new Priest, at his first sermon was so afraid he couldn't speak. He asked the Monsignor how he could relax.
The Monsignor said, "next week it might help you to put a little Gin or Vodka in your water."
The next week, the Priest put gin in his water, and really preached up a storm. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
The Monsignor replied, "fine" but there are some facts you should get straight........

1. There are 10 Commandments, not 12.
2. There are 12 Disciples, not 10.
3. David slew Goliath, not beat the crud out of him.
4. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his disciples as J.C. and the boys.
5. The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost are not referred as Big Daddy, J.C. and the spook.
7. We do not refer to the Cross as the Big T.


There are others but, I would have to break rules to post them. That I will not do, as it goes against all this forum stands for.
Go in Peace with God
DW


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Andrapple on August 22, 2004, 11:06:43 PM
HAHA o man..that is truly the first time i heard that joke. LOL


Title: Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Brother Love on August 30, 2004, 06:47:54 AM
A blonde goes into the hardware store.  "I wanna buy that tv set there."

"Sorry", says the clerk, "we don't sell to blondes".

Blonde goes home, dyes her hair.  Goes back.

"I wanna buy that tv set there."

"Sorry", says the clerk, "we don't sell to blondes".

Flustered, the blonde goes home, complete makeover, new clothes, shoes, sunglasses, waits a few days.  Goes back.

"I wanna buy that tv set there."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes. That's a microwave."


   
     :P


Symphony, welcome back Bro, you get "TWO" Thumbs Up for the Joke ;D

<:)))><


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on August 30, 2004, 12:00:32 PM
 ;D   ;D - Thanks for those laughs.
------------------------------------------

A Few One Liners - #1

A bachelor can only chase a girl until she catches him.

A banker is a person who lends you an umbrella when it is dry and asks for it back  when it starts raining.

A bird in hand is safer than one overhead.

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

A committee: when all is said and done, 90% is said, and 10% is done.

A computer is only as good as the people who are employed to replace the people who were made redundant by the computer.

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.

A formal briefing is like an avalanche: a high-level snow-job of massive and overwhelming proportions.

A highbrow is a person educated beyond his intelligence.

A long dispute means that both parties are wrong.

A lost property office is for people to return things they find and don't want.

A person's character is but half formed till after wedlock.

A pessimist is one who feels bad when he feels good for fear he'll feel worse when he feels better.

A piece of wire cut to length will be too short.

A politician has to be able to see both sides of an issue, so he can get around it.

A politician is a man who stands for what he thinks the voters will fall for.

A poor excuse is better than no excuse at all.

A rumour without a leg to stand on will get around some other way.

A Scottish gift: "It's nae use to me, ye're welcome to it."

A stitch in time saves embarrassment.

A verbal contract is not worth the paper it's written on.

A yawn is a silent shout.

Absolute zero is cool.

Age is a high price to pay for maturity.

All human acts involve more chance than decision.

Always look for the calculations that go with a calculated risk.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

Among the runners finishing last was an older man wearing a T-shirt that proclaimed 'Abominably Slow Man.'

An adult is one who has ceased to grow vertically but not horizontally.

An election year is the time politicians want to help us out of all the trouble they got us into in the first place.

An elephant is only a mouse built to council specifications.              


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on August 30, 2004, 12:02:10 PM
A Few One Liners - #2

An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a very narrow field.

An expert is someone who knows more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing.

An honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble.

An oak tree is just a nut that held its ground.

An unbreakable toy is good for breaking other toys.

Analyzing humour is like analyzing a frog : you can do it, but the frog tends to die in the process.

Anarchy, no rules, OK?

And in the end the love you take Is equal to the love you make.

Anger is never without reason, but seldom with a good one.

Any fool can criticize, and many of them do.

Any given program will expand to fit all available memory.

Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

Anyone can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.

Apathy: never mind over don't matter.

As knowledge increases, wonder deepens.

As long as you can still be disappointed you are still young.

Awkward Age: the period lasting from birth until death.

Babies speak in many languages before they find one that grown-ups understand.

Be alert.  Your country needs lerts.

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.

Before honour is humility.

Before you meet your handsome prince you have to kiss a lot of toads.

Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.

Beware the man who slaps you on the back, he is probably trying to make you cough up something.

Beware of half-truths - you may have the wrong half.

Bo Peep did it for the insurance.

Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.

Brevity is not the soul of politicians.

Bring back the Sixties.

Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Chicken Little only has to be right once.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on August 30, 2004, 12:06:39 PM
A Few One Liners - #3


Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore and that's what parents were created for.

Competence, like truth, beauty and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

Computers have made it possible to make a thousand mistakes every second.

Consensus rules - if that's OK with you.

Constipation is the thief of time. Diarrhoea waits for no man.

"Contrariwise", continued Tweedledee, "If it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic."

Daub yourself with honey and you'll be covered with flies.

Death is hereditary.

Democracy is the least satisfactory form of government, except for all the others.

Democracy is too good to share with just anybody.

Dieting is when the days seem longer and the meals shorter.

Dignity is like a hat. Neither is much use when you're standing on it.

Do not adjust your mind, there is a fault in reality.

Do you have trouble making up your mind?   Well, yes and no. Dogmatism is puppyism come to its full growth.

Donald Duck isn't all he's quacked up to be.

You can tell the pioneers by the arrows in their backs.

Don't believe in superstition - it brings bad luck.

Don't confuse me with the facts - my mind is made up.

Don't ever stand up to be counted or someone will take your seat.

Don't mark the spot where you bury the hatchet.

Don't vote.  You'll only encourage them.

Down with gravity.

Drink wet cement and get really stoned.

Dyslexia lures, KO

Dyspepsia is the remorse of a guilty stomach.

Each generation has its sages.  Ancient Greece had Socrates. We have bumper stickers.

Education is what you get from reading the small print; experience is what you get from not reading it.

Egotism is the anaesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Symphony on September 05, 2004, 12:06:58 AM


"Diahrrea waits for no man."    :-X

 ;)



Middle East joke:    


A camel is just a horse designed by a committee.


   

   :-\



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on September 05, 2004, 12:26:03 AM
Just a few groaners today.

How can you get four suits for a dollar?
Buy a deck of cards.

How do dinosaurs pay their bills?
With Tyrannosaurus checks.

What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path?
Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat and boots?
Tyrannosaurus Tex.

How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America?
They had reservations.

How do you make a hot dog stand?
Steal its chair.

How do you make an egg laugh?
Tell it a yolk.

How do you prevent a Summer cold?
Catch it in the Winter!

How does a pig go to hospital?
In a hambulance.

If a long dress is evening wear, what is a suit of armor?
Silverware.

What bird can lift the most?
A crane.

What bone will a dog never eat?
A trombone.

What can you hold without ever touching it?
A conversation.

What clothes does a house wear?
Address.

What country makes you shiver?
Chile.

What did one elevator say to the other?
I think I'm coming down with something!

What did one magnet say to the other?
I find you very attractive.

What did Tennessee?
The same thing Arkansas.
What did Delaware?
Her New Jersey.

What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
It's time to go to sweep.

What did the necktie say to the hat?
You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.

What did the rug say to the floor?
Don't move, I've got you covered.

What do bees do with their honey?
They cell it.

What do you call a calf after it's six months old?
Seven months old.

What do you call a guy who's born in Columbus, grows up in Cleveland, and then dies in Cincinnati?
Dead.

Why does the Easter Bunny have a shiny nose?
His powder puff is on the wrong end.

Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?
She ran away from the ball.

Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?
She couldn't control her pupils.

Why did the doughnut shop close?
The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on September 05, 2004, 12:27:47 AM
What do you call a pig that does karate?
A pork chop.

What do you call a song sung in an automobile?
A cartoon.

What do you call the best butter on the farm?
A goat.

What do you do when your chair breaks?
Call a chairman.

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer!

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia!

What do you get if you cross an insect with the Easter rabbit?
Bugs Bunny.

What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook?
Wet feet.

What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?
A rash of good luck.

What happens when frogs park illegally?
They get toad.

What has 6 eyes but can't see?
3 blind mice.

What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?
A piano.

Some of you kids may not get this one.
What has one horn and gives milk? .......
A milk truck.

What is a tree's favorite drink?
Root beer.

What is the best thing to do if you find a gorilla in your bed?
Sleep somewhere else.

What kind of cats like to go bowling?
Alley cats.

What kind of eggs does a wicked chicken lay?
Deviled eggs.

What kind of ties can't you wear?
Railroad ties.

What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?
A dead centipede.

What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car?
A red carnation.
What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a pink car?
A pink car-nation.
What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars?
An in-car-nation.

What's gray, eats fish, and lives in Washington, D.C.?
The Presidential Seal.

What's green and loud?
A froghorn.

What's round and bad-tempered?
A vicious circle.

Where did the farmer take the pigs on Saturday afternoon?
He took them to a pignic.

Where do fortune tellers dance?
At the crystal ball.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on September 05, 2004, 12:29:16 AM
What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!

A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way...

Why don't aliens eat clowns.
Because they taste funny.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh

Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
el-if-i-no

Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.

Once upon a time there were two muffins in the microwave. Suddenly, one of the muffins says:
"Man it's hot in here!!!!"
The other muffin exclaims,
"Look a talking muffin!!!!"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on September 05, 2004, 12:31:57 AM
WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW?     
SPOILED MILK

WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A VAMPIRE?    
FROSTBITE

WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE TITANIC?    SANKA
WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS?    
BECAUSE THEY HAVE BIG FINGERS

WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND TWITCHES?    
A NERVOUS WRECK

WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK?    
A STICK

WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS?    
NACHO CHEESE


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: TigerLily on September 05, 2004, 06:00:24 PM
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service.  ;D ;D ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: TigerLily on September 05, 2004, 06:14:59 PM
Jake, the rancher, went one day to fix a distant
fence.
The wind was cold and gusty and the clouds rolled
gray and dense.

As he pounded the last staples in and gathered tools
to go.
The temperature had fallen, the wind and snow began
to blow.

When he finally reached his pickup, he felt a heavy
heart.
From the sound of that ignition, he knew it
wouldn't start.

So Jake did what most of us would do if we had been
there.
He humbly bowed his balding head and sent aloft a
prayer.

As he turned the key for the last time, he softly
cursed his luck.
They found him three days later, frozen stiff in
that old truck.

Now Jake had been around in life and done his share
of roaming.
But when he saw Heaven, he was shocked -- it looked
just like Wyoming!

Of all the saints in Heaven, his favorite was St.
Peter.
 
So they set and talked a minute or two, or maybe it
was three.
Nobody was keeping' score -- in Heaven time is
free.

"I've always heard," Jake said to Pete, "that God
will answer prayer,
But, one time I asked for help, well, he just plain
wasn't there."

"Does God answer prayers of some, and ignore the
prayers of others?
That don't seem exactly square -- I know all men are
brothers."

"Or does he randomly reply, without good rhyme or
reason?
Maybe, it's the time of day, the weather or the
season."

"Now I ain't trying to act smart, it's just the way
I feel.
And I was wondering', could you tell me -- what the
heck's the deal?!"

Peter listened very patiently and when Jake was
done.
There were smiles of recognition, and he said, "So,
you're the one!!"

"That day your truck, it wouldn't start, and you
sent your prayer a flying,
You gave us all a real bad time, with hundreds of us
trying."

"A thousand angels rushed, to check the status of
your file,
But you know, Jake, we hadn't heard from you in
quite a long while."

"And though all prayers are answered, and God ain't
got no quota,
He didn't recognize your voice, and started a truck
in Minnesota."

BETTER KEEP IN TOUCH! ;D ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on September 06, 2004, 11:46:21 PM
The preacher's Sunday sermon was Forgive Your Enemies.  Toward the end of  the service, He asked his congregation, "how many of you  have  forgiven their enemies"?   About half held up their hands.  He then repeated his question.  As it was past lunchtime, this time about 80 percent held up their hands. He then repeated his question again. All responded, except one  small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones?"  inquired the preacher, Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?

"I don't have any."  she replied. smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, That is very unusual.  How old are you?" "Ninety-three," she  replied.

"Oh Mrs. Jones, what a blessing and a lesson to us all you are. Would you please come down in front of this congregation and tell us all how a person can live ninety-three years and not have an enemy in the world."

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and  said "I outlived the old hags."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Reba on September 07, 2004, 12:17:18 AM
Mrs. Jones is my hero  :P


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Symphony on September 07, 2004, 08:59:23 AM

bep -  :-X.

Hi, Reba.



Did you hear about the Roman who cannibalized his mother-in-law?

He was gladiator.


   :-[


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on September 08, 2004, 02:32:14 AM
"Jesus Is Watching You"

One night a burglar is trying to break into a house. He's sneaking across the lawn when he hears a voice -
"Jesus is watching you!"
He jumps, turns around, but he doesn't see anything. So he starts creeping across the lawn again. "Jesus is watching you!"
He hears it again. So now the burglar is really looking around, and he sees a parrot in a cage by the side of the house. He says to the parrot,
"Did you say that?"
The parrot answers "Yes I did."
So the burglar says , "What's your name?"
The parrot says "Clarence." The burglar says "What kind of stupid idiot would name his parrot Clarence?"
The parrot laughs and says,
"The same stupid idiot that named his Rottweiler 'Jesus' "
-------------------------------------------------------------

"Simba & O.J."
Q: What's the difference between Simba and O.J.?
A: One's an African lion the other a lion African!
-------------------------------------------------------------

"The Golden Saloon"

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where have you been all night?" she demands.

"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hey, even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone  book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the  place to check her husband's story.

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What  about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that took a leak in your saxophone last night!"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on September 08, 2004, 02:36:40 AM
"The Karate Dog"

Harold's new job had him working really late. He decides to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and asks for a doberman.

The employee said, "If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you."  The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle.

Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?"

The employee says, "No, this dog is special; he knows karate."

"Karate? I don't believe it," Harold says.

The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign." And he points to  a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold  is amazed at this.

The employee then says, "Karate the chair." And he points to a chair in the  corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced.

"I'll take him," he says.

When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, "This little  thing, a watch dog? No way." Harold says, "But this dog knows karate."

"Karate," she yells. "Karate my chair!!"

-------------------------------------------------------------

"Spell One Word For Heaven"

Guy goes to the gates of heaven where he meets St. Peter. St. Peter says to him "God has looked at your book of life and you are welcome in heaven under one condition" The man say "What's that?"

St. Peter says "You must spell the word 'Love'." So he does and he is let in to heaven. As he gets in, St. Peter's beeper goes off. He tells the man to watch the gate until he returns, and reminds him that he must ask whoever comes to spell the word. Next thing you know, his wife show up at the gate and he asks her what she is doing there?

She says that on the way home from the funeral, there was an accident and she  died. The husband says alright, but you do have to spell one word first before  you come in to heaven.

She asks "What's that?"

He says "Spell Love."

-------------------------------------------------------------

"A Pirate & Land-Lubber Conversation"

A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed  that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate,

"How did you loose your leg?" The pirate responded,

"I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!" His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked,

"What about you hand. Did you loose it at the same time?"

"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys." Finally, the land-lubber asked,

"I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you loose your eye? The pirate answered,

"I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and divebombed me eye." The land-lubber asked,

"How could a little seagull divebombing  make you loose your eye?" The pirate  snapped,

"It was the day after I got me hook!"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on September 08, 2004, 02:40:25 AM
"Winnie The ????"

It was the first day after Christmas vacation in a 3rd grade class. The teacher told the class that each student could tell the class 1 thing they got for Christmas. So, the teacher calls on a girl to come up to the front of the class and tell everyone 1 thing she got.

"My daddy got me a Bow-Wow," she said.

The teacher tells the class that they are old enough to know the correct words for things without using nicknames. The teacher tells the girl to try again. The girl thinks real hard ........

"My dad got me a dog," she said.
She sat down and a boy got up and said,
"I got a choo-choo!"

The teacher scolded him and told him to try again. The boy thought hard and said,
"I got an electric train!!"

That boy sits down and a really shy kid gets up and sadly says,
"I got a book"
The teacher feels bad for the kid and she asks,
"What was the title of the book??"

The boy thinks very hard. The class waits as the boy is thinking. Finally, the boys face brightened and he said,

"Winnie The Bear!!"

------------------------------------------------------------

"The Great Bar"

Two men sit at a bar. The first one just slowly sips at his drink, studying the other man at the far end of the bar. Finally, the first man makes up his mind, and walks up the the second man. He sits back down and continues nursing his drink. The second man, thinking nothing of it, continues his drinking in peace. After a while, the first man speaks up.

"This place is great, isn't it?" he asks. The second man, somewhat surprised at the stranger's remark, replies.

"Why do you say that?" The first man, in a low tone of voice, responds, "Follow me." The second man, well drawn up into this hush-hush secret attribute of the bar, follows. They stop at the large window at one end of the room.

"Here's why." The first man thows open the window, and boldly steps out into--nothing. But he remains aloft!

"The air currents are great here!" he exclaims. "It's very relaxing." As his feet return to the bar-room floor, he invites the second man to try it. The second man, somewhat questioningly, looks over the windowsill--down to the pavement twelve stories below. He looks to either side, and finally up above, to see if there was anything holding the first man up. Convinced that it was no trickery, the second man swollows, closes his eyes, and steps out into-- nothing. And promptly falls twelve stories to the pavement below.

The second man, with a slight grin on his face, gets his drink, returns to his original spot at the bar, and starts sipping again. Looking rather irritated, the barkeep comes over to the place where the man sits.

"You know," he says, disgusted. "You're a real jerk when you've been  drinking, Mr. Kent."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on September 08, 2004, 02:44:14 AM
"Bill Gates In Hell"

Shortly after Bill Gates was killed in a freak accident, he found himself being sized up by Saint Peter. "Bill, this is a tough call. You've made great technological advancements with Microsoft, but you've also given us Windows 95. I think I'm going to let you choose between Heaven and Hell."

"That sounds fair," Gates replied. "May I have a look at hell first?"

And so first Saint Peter took him to Hell.

"This is hell? Wow, look at all those gorgeous women, the ones that laughed when I asked them out on dates in high school. And look at those mansions!" exclaimed Bill.

"And see all those coders? They work 24 hours a day for free just because they really love you, Bill, and live only to please you."

"Shazam, this is all virtual, isn't it, Saint Peter?"

"Yep. With no bugs, Bill."

"If this is hell, what can heaven be like?"

(Saint Peter makes sweeping gesture) "Like this!"

"People wearing robes and playing harps while they sit on clouds? What a boring cliche. I'll take Hell!" replies, Gates.

And so two weeks later, St Peter paid a little visit.

"Hey what the hell's going on? It's nearly 200 degrees and the air is terrible. There's no food or drink. Goblins jab me in the ribs constantly. I'm crawling with vermin and weak with disease. They play the Beastie Boys at all hours, for all eternity. There are NO COMPUTERS! Where are the women, the program slaves, the virtual wonders? Where is the splendid hell you promised me?" cries Gates.

"Oh that, that was just a demo..." ;D

-------------------------------------------------------------

"The Young Business Man On The Phone"

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"

-------------------------------------------------------------

"Big John In The Old West"

A bar owner in the Old West has just hired a timid new bartender. The owner of the establishment is giving his new hire some instructions on running the place. He tells the timid man, "If you ever hear that Big John is coming to town, drop everything and run for the hills!! He's the meanest, biggest, nastiest outlaw who ever lived!!"

A few weeks pass uneventfully. But one afternoon, a local cowhand comes running through town yelling, "Big John is coming to town!! Run for your lives!!!"

When the bartender exits the saloon to start running, he's knocked to the ground by several townspeople scurrying out of town. As he's picking himself up, he sees a large man approaching the saloon, probably about 7 feet tall, muscular, grunting and growling as he walks.

He stomps up to the door, orders the poor barkeep inside, and demands, "I want a beer NOW!!"

He pounds his heavy fist on the bar, splitting it in half. The bartender nervously hands the big man a beer, hands shaking. He takes the beer, rips the top of the bottle off with his teeth, and downs the beer in one gulp.

As the poor timid bartender cowers behind the bar, the big man gets up to leave. "Do you want another beer?" the bartender calls out.

"Dang it, I don't have time!!" the big man yells. "I gotta get out of town!!! Didn't ya hear Big John is a-comin??"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on September 08, 2004, 02:46:33 AM
"The Iowan Purchases A Chain Saw"

An Iowan walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The Iowan is suitably impressed, and buys it.

The next day he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY!"

The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the Iowan says, "What's that noise?"

---------------------------------------------------------------

"Lucky Frog Story"

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron."

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked.

He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"

The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks.

"Ribbit. 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life.

The man asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"

The frog says, "Ribbit, Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks,"What do you think I should bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man trusts the frog. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.

He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 25-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
   


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on September 08, 2004, 02:48:50 AM
"The Widower Playing Golf"

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eys, and bows down in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

---------------------------------------------------------------

"The Blondes Who Finished The Jigsaw Puzzle"

A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast, "Here's to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks. Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.

The bartender says, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?"

One of the blondes explains, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box '2-4 years,' but we finished it in 51 days!" ;D

-------------------------------------------------------------

"Is The Dog Dead?"

A woman took her dog to the vet "Doctor," she said, "I think my dog is dead". The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn't move.
"Yes, your dog is dead," says the doctor.
"How much do I owe you?" the lady asks.
"$345," says the doctor.
"$345!!?" the lady asks.
"Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shylynne on September 08, 2004, 07:38:03 PM
"Contrariwise", continued Tweedledee, "If it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic."

Do not adjust your mind, there is a fault in reality.



  ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on September 11, 2004, 01:12:07 AM
BEST  LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND  PROBABLY THE CENTURY.  
A  Charlotte,  NClawyer purchased a box of very rare and  expensive cigars, then insured them against fire, among other things. Within a  month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet  having made even his first
premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim  against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the  cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to  pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the  normal fashion.

The lawyer sued.. and WON! (Stay with me.)
In  delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer "held a  policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable  and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining  what  is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.  Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company  accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires".


NOW FOR  THE BEST PART
After the lawyer cashed the check, the  insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own  insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the  lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was  sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Placewinner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.  

ONLY  IN AMERICA!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on September 11, 2004, 01:15:35 AM
Costello calls to buy a computer from Abbott

ABBOTT and COSTELLO Buy A Computer
Remember ABBOTT and COSTELLO Jokes? Hope you enjoy
this one. In today's world, Bud ABBOTT and Lou
COSTELLO's famous sketch "Who's on first?" might have
turned out something like this....

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT . . . .
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks.I'm setting up an office in my den
and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer.I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in
the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows.I need a computer and
software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer!I need something I can
use to write proposals,track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer?
How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A FEW DAYS LATER . .
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START"..........  ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on September 13, 2004, 12:16:36 AM
"The Sin Of Lying"

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
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"Comments At Your Funeral"

Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?  The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ...  Look, He's Moving!
------------------------------------------------------------

"The Misunderstood Boy Learning ABC's"

There was a boy who wanted to go out for recess. His teacher asked, "First tell me your ABC's". That night, the kid asks his mother "What're my ABC's?" She says, "Shut up!" He asks his sister the same question. She says, "yeah, yeah". He asks his brother his ABC's. The broter, who was reading comics, said, "Superman!" The boy asks his father his ABC's. The father, who had just lost his job, said, "Crud."  The next day, the teacher asked the boy his ABC's. He said "Shut up" She said "Do you want to go to the principal's office?" He said, "yeah, yeah."  In the principal's office, the principal demanded, "Who do you think you are?" The boy yelled, "Superman!" The principal said, "What do you think this school is made out of?" The boy answered, "Crud."
------------------------------------------------------------

"The Florist's Mistake"

On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy". While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. "Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen." "But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party." "Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper. "'Congratulations on your new location'." was the reply.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on September 13, 2004, 12:20:37 AM
"Collecting Snails For Dinner Party"

 A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important  guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any  snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down  the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails , he  noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little  further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.  All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right  over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next  morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.  There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a  very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all  this time.  He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then  back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"
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"The Bible"

There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying. Flying made her nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing. After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?" The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible." He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?" She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible." He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him." "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically. "Then you can ask him." replied the lady. ;D
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"God Will Provide"

A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar." he replies.  "A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"  "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.  The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions,  the young idealist insists that God will provide.  Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the bad news is he  thinks I'm God."
-----------------------------------------------------------

"Priest & Nun Spend The Night Together"

A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep. There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag." Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the  nun said "Father, I'm cold." He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got  the blanket and put it on her. Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm still very cold." He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again. Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold." This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the  wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're  married." The nun said, "That's fine by me." To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and get your own stupid blanket!" ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on September 13, 2004, 12:26:41 AM
"Going Out And Dancing All Night"

 It's the spring of 1957, and Bobby's ready to pick up his date. He's a  pretty hip guy with his own car. When he gets to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says. "That's cool" says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.  Carrie's father responds "Why don't you two go out and dance? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to dance. She'd dance all night if we let her!" Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
------------------------------------------------------------

"Overpopulation of Nerds"

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "Nerds Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!" He goes in and sits down.  The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says, "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?" The truck driver says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I am hauling." The bartender  says, "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds." and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his  glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver said, totally shocked, "Why did you do that?" The bartender said, "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license." The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads  back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers  wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.  He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in  the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out  of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure," said the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."
------------------------------------------------------------

"Perfect Golf Shot For The Wife"

Bob stood over his tee sot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his backswing. Finally his exasperated partner asked, "what the hell is taking so long?" "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot." "Good lord!" his companion exlaimed. "You don't have a snowball's of a chance, of hitting her from here."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on September 13, 2004, 12:30:26 AM
"Rednecks Drinking & Driving"

One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!" "Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl. They finished their  beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?" "No sir," said Earl, "we're on the patch." :-X
--------------------------------------------------------

"Drunk Guy In Confessional"

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed  to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow  was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?" "I dunno." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"

I'm sure beeps has heard the first 2. ;D
-------------------------------------------------------------

"Guards Reading Prisoner's Mail"

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"  The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter:  "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."  A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with  shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."  The prisoner wrote another letter back:  "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
------------------------------------------------------------

"Walking Across Water"

A rabbi, a priest and a pastor were all in a boat together fishing. The pastor said to the others, "I think I am going to go over to that shore and sit down." So, he gets out of the boat, walks across the water and  sits down on the shore. Then, the priest says to the rabbi, "I think I going to go over there to join him." So, he does the same as the pastor and sits next to him on the shore. The rabbi thinks to himself, "Well, if they can do it, so can I!" So, he climbs out of the boat, but he falls in the water.  The pastor says to the priest, "Do you think we should of told him where  the rocks were?"
-------------------------------------------------------------

"Rabbit Coming Back To Life"

 Rabbit resuscitation... A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to he car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned  around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 meters. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: " 'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on September 13, 2004, 12:35:41 AM
"Clinton's Pearly Gates Clock"

Hillary had an accident and an early demise. Arriving at the Pearly Gates,  she stomped up to the head of the line at St. Peter's desk. St. Peter politely informed her that down on Earth she may have had  privileges, but up here she would have to wait her turn in line. While waiting, she noticed one wall covered with hundreds of thousands of  clocks and she noticed that occasionally one would jump ahead by 15 minutes.  She asked the person sitting next to her what this was all about. "Well, as I understand it, each of these clocks represents some man down on Earth. Each time he commits adultery, his time is advanced by 15 minutes." "Can you tell me which is my husband's clock?" Hillary asked St. Peter. "Oh, yes," St. Peter replied. "God has it in his office. He uses it as a fan."
------------------------------------------------------------

"What Is S**?"

 An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"  The father was surprised that she would ask such a question,  but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees." When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
-----------------------------------------------------------

"Lawyer Joke / Pearly Gates Joke"

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven,  they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship  that crashed into an iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.  St. Peter turned to the garbage man and decided to make the question a little harder, "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "About 1,500." "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
-------------------------------------------------------------

"Too Many Confessions Of Adult**"

An old priest was getting sick and tired of all the people in his parish  who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday in the pulpit he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Everyone liked him, so the parishioners came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a  ripe old age. About a week later, the new priest visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something  about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing  that no one had told the new priest about the code word.  The priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week."
-----------------------------------------------------------

"Fishing License"

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten  track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through  the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught  up to him. "Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped. With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid  fishing license. "Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!" "Yes, sir," replied the young guy, "but my friend back there, well, he don't have one."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on September 13, 2004, 12:39:16 AM
"Cigars For The Judge"

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer.  "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" "Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that  would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the  defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for  the tip about the cigars. It worked!" "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them." "But, I did send them." "What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously. "Yes. That's how we won the case." "I don't understand," said the lawyer. "It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's  business card."
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"Blind Man In Texas"

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The  person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the  bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."  The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and  skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
-----------------------------------------------------------

"Shirley's Makeover"

A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?" God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live." Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it. She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?" God replied, "Shirley! I didn't recognize you!"
------------------------------------------------------------

One just for you beeps

"Slow Down vs. Stop"

One day a policeman stopped a motorist who had just gone through a four way stop sign and was about to give him a ticket when the motorist said. "Officer you can't give me a ticket for that!' "Why not" said the officer. "Because although I did not stop I slowed right down and its almost the same." "But you did not stop" replied the officer, "and the sign says STOP." "But the way was clear and it was safe" replied the motorist. The officer then pulls out his batton and starts hitting the motorist. "What are you doing!" yells the motorist in surprise. "Do you want me to slow down or stop" says the officer.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on September 13, 2004, 06:31:07 AM
Groan!! ;D

12 Inches Nose
Q. Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
A. Because then it would be a foot!

6 Afraid of 7
Q. Why was 6 afraid of 7?
A. Because 789!

About The Butter
Q. Have you heard the joke about the butter?
A. I better not tell you, it might spread.

About The Roof
Q. Did you hear the joke about the roof?
A. Never mind, it's over your head!

Afraid of Santa
 Q. What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa?
A. A Clausterphobic

After Washing Face
Do you look in the mirror after you've washed your face ?
No, I look in a towel !

Alien to The Garden
Q. What did the alien say to the garden?
A. Take me to your weeder.

Animals in the Ark
How did Noah see the animals in the Ark at night ?
By flood lighting !

Astronaut's Favorite Place
Q. What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer?
A. The Space bar!

Band Stand
Q. How do you make a bandstand?
A. Take away their chairs!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shylynne on September 13, 2004, 08:29:59 AM
Dreamweaver  one of these jokes NEEDS the caption removed  :-X

 
(http://www.150.si.edu/images/8miki1.jpg)


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shylynne on September 13, 2004, 08:47:32 AM
give you a *hint*

ahem! #570 on: Today at 12:26:41am  :-[


some have licked bars of soap for better language :-X

you may ask if ingesting soap is whats wrong with me?


ah yes it could be  :-\

smartin up dw  :P



Title: Re:BULL
Post by: Jemidon2004 on September 13, 2004, 09:03:06 AM
Dating Rules:

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I
propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will
make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a
goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless master of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my
daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

ROFLMHO!! That's very good beeps. I enjoyed that...i'll keep that in mind next time i go out on a date...lol. I've heard worse than that man. I just feel for my cousin. The guys that date her have to go through a variety of tests...cause my uncle was a marine...and i think he's got an entire arsenal at his house...anyway...that was a good laugh dude...i'll keep a lookout for the guy with the camouflaged face in the window...God Bless
Joshua


Title: Deer Hunting
Post by: nChrist on September 28, 2004, 01:14:59 AM
A man took his wife deer hunting, they decided to split up to improve their chances of finding a deer. The man explained to his wife that the woods were full of dishonest hunters who might try to claim her deer if she managed to kill one. In case this happened, she should fire her rifle into the air three times, to summon him for assistance. They went their separate ways, and soon he heard a shot, followed by three quick shots. He followed the direction of the sound, and found his wife holding a man at gunpoint. She said "It was just like you told me, I killed this deer fair and square and this man says its his." The husband pointed his rifle at the stranger, who placed his hands in the air and said "She's welcome to keep it, but I would like to get my saddle back."


Title: Re:Deer Hunting
Post by: sincereheart on September 28, 2004, 07:40:55 AM
A man took his wife deer hunting, they decided to split up to improve their chances of finding a deer. The man explained to his wife that the woods were full of dishonest hunters who might try to claim her deer if she managed to kill one. In case this happened, she should fire her rifle into the air three times, to summon him for assistance. They went their separate ways, and soon he heard a shot, followed by three quick shots. He followed the direction of the sound, and found his wife holding a man at gunpoint. She said "It was just like you told me, I killed this deer fair and square and this man says its his." The husband pointed his rifle at the stranger, who placed his hands in the air and said "She's welcome to keep it, but I would like to get my saddle back."


 >:( *mutters about men*  >:(



Watch out! If women can't tell a deer from a horse, then mules may not be safe, either!  8)  :-X


 :P


Title: Re:Deer Hunting
Post by: nChrist on September 29, 2004, 01:34:49 AM


 >:( *mutters about men*  >:(



Watch out! If women can't tell a deer from a horse, then mules may not be safe, either!  8)  :-X


 :P

 ;D  Many places allow hunting ONLY bucks. If you bag a mule without antlers, tie some dead tree limbs on its head.   ;D

(Small print: now in hiding)


Title: Re:Deer Hunting
Post by: Shammu on September 29, 2004, 01:41:04 AM

 >:( *mutters about men*  >:(



Watch out! If women can't tell a deer from a horse, then mules may not be safe, either!  8)  :-X


 :P
Well if a woman shot a horse, she should have to skin it, gut it, and clean it. ;D

Exit stage right in a panic. (http://pages.prodigy.net/indianahawkeye/newpage06/8.gif)


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: sincereheart on September 29, 2004, 08:35:00 AM
*Looks for some antlers to tie on mules....*

*Looks for K-Bar to start skinnin'....*


Takes aim at MULES MEN!  >:(





 ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Reba on September 29, 2004, 05:34:59 PM
DONKEYS?


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on October 02, 2004, 01:52:52 AM
A vampire joke
What's a vampire's favourite sport?
Batminton!

A werewolf joke
What do you call a werewolf that drinks too much?
A whino!

A witch joke
Where did the witch get her furniture?
From the ideal gnome exhibition!

A skeleton joke
Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
He had no body to go with!

A cannibal joke
What happened at the cannibal's wedding party?
They toasted the bride and groom!

A ghost joke
How can you tell if a corpse is angry?
It flips its lid!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on October 02, 2004, 01:53:36 AM
A Halloween joke
What do witches eat at Halloween?
Spooketti, halloweenies, devils food cake and booberry pie!

A vampire joke
What's Dracula's car called?
A mobile blood unit!

A werewolf joke
What do you call a hairy beast with clothes on?
A wear-wolf!

A witch joke
Why did the witch go over the mountain?
Because she couldn't go under it!

A skeleton joke
Why didn't the skeleton want to play football?
Because his heart wasn't in it!

A cannibal joke
Why was the cannibal looking peeky?
Because he had just eaten a Chinese dog!

A wizard joke
If a wizard was knocked out by Dracula in a fight what would he be?
Out for the count!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on October 02, 2004, 01:54:28 AM
A ghost joke
What happened when the ghost asked for a whiskey at his local bar?
The bartender said "Sorry sir, we don't serve spirits here"!

A cannibal joke
Why did the cannibal live on his own?
He was fed up with other people!

A witch joke
What's the witches favourite pop group?
Broomski Beat!

A Halloween joke
What happened when the girl dressed as a spoon left the Halloween party?
No one moved, they couldn't stir without her!

A witch joke
What is evil and ugly on the inside and green on the outside?
A witch dressed as a cucumber!

A vampire joke
Why does Dracula have no friends?
Because he's a pain in the neck!

A witch joke
How can you tell when a witch is really ugly?
When a wasp stings her it closes his eyes!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on October 02, 2004, 01:55:15 AM
A ghost joke
This woman wanted to marry a ghost. I don't know what possessed her!

A witch joke
Have you heard about the good weather witch?
She's forecasting sunny spells!

A witch joke
How do witches tell the time?
By looking at their witch watches!

A vampire joke
What was the Californian vampire hippy like?
He was ghoul man, real ghoul!

A witch joke
What happens if you see twin witches?
You won't be able to see which witch is witch!

A Halloween joke
Why did the boy carry a clock and a bird on Halloween?
It was for "tick or tweet"!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on October 02, 2004, 01:56:50 AM
A ghost joke
What do ghosts say when a girl footballer is sent off?
Ban-she Ban-she!

A vampire joke
What do vampires have at eleven o'clock every day?
A coffin break!

A witch joke
Why did the baby witch smile when she came out in blotches?
Because it was an 'appy rash!

A Halloween joke
Why was the little boy unhappy to win first prize for the best costume at the Halloween party?
Because he just came to pick up his sister!

A cannibal joke
Why didn't the cannibal eat Mike Tyson?
He thought he would give him a paunch!

A witch joke
Why did the witch wear a green felt pointy hat?
So she could walk across snooker tables without being seen!

A witch joke
What has six legs and flies?
A witch giving her cat a ride!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on October 02, 2004, 01:57:31 AM
A witch joke
What has handles and flies?
A witch in a dustbin!

A cannibal joke
Why don't cannibals eat weathermen?
Because they give them wind!

A witch joke
What is evil and ugly and bounces?
A witch on a trampoline!

A Halloween joke
What do stupid kids do at Halloween?
They carve a face on an apple and go bobbing for pumpkins!

A witch joke
Why did the witch put her broom in the wash?
She wanted a clean sweep!

A ghost joke
What are little ghosts dressed in when it rains?
Boo-ts and ghoul-oshes!

A vampire joke
How does a vampire like his food served?
In bite sized pieces!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on October 02, 2004, 01:58:21 AM
A witch joke
Why did the stupid witch keep her clothes in the fridge?
She liked to have something cool to slip into in the evenings!

A cannibal joke
What happened when the cannibals ate a comedian?
They had a feast of fun!

A ghost joke
What do you call a ghost's mother and father?
Transparents!

A vampire joke
Who plays centre forward for the vampire football team?
The ghoulscorer!

A witch joke
Why did the witch give up fortune telling?
There was no future in it!

A Halloween joke
Why was everyone tickled by the fried chicken at the Halloween party?
Because the feathers were still on the chicken!

A witch joke
What did the doctor say to the witch in hospital?
With any luck you'll soon be well enough to get up for a spell!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on October 02, 2004, 01:59:18 AM
A ghost joke
What was written on the hypochondriac's tombstone?
"I told you I was ill"!

A vampire joke
What do you get if you cross a vampire with a snail?
I don't know but it would slow him down!

A witch joke
How did the witch almost lose her baby?
She didn't take it far enough into the woods!

A cannibal joke
What did the cannibal mum say to her son who was chasing a missionary?
''Stop playing with your food''!

A witch joke
What do witches race on?
Vroomsticks!

A Halloween joke
How do you get the most apples when bobbing at Halloween Wear a snorkel!

A witch joke
What's a cold, evil candle called?
The wicked wick of the north!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on October 02, 2004, 02:00:03 AM
A witch joke
How did the witch feel after she was run over by a car?
Tyred!

A cannibal joke
What do cannibal secretaries do with leftover fingernails?
They file them!

A ghost joke
Where do undertakers go in October?
The hearse of the year show!

A vampire joke
What's a vampire's favourite dance?
The fangdango!

A Halloween joke
What did the really ugly man do for a living?
He posed for Halloween masks!

A witch joke
How do witches lose weight?
They join weight witches!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on October 02, 2004, 02:00:31 AM
A witch joke
What name did the witch give to her cooking pot?
It was called-Ron!

A vampire joke
When do vampires bite you?
On wincedays!

A witch joke
What is a witch with poison ivy called?
An itchy witchy!

A Halloween joke
A boy went to a Halloween party with a sheet on his head. "Are you a ghost?
" asked his friends "No, I'm an unmade bed!

" A cannibal joke
What's the definition of a cannibal?
Some who goes into a restaurant and orders a waiter!

A ghost joke
Why are cemeteries in the middle of towns?
Because they're dead centres!

A witch joke
What is a witches favourite book?
Broom at the top!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on October 02, 2004, 02:02:09 AM
Yes I am bored outta my mind tonight. :'(
And I know these are groaners, but it's all I could come up with tonight. :'(


Title: Join the Choir!
Post by: sincereheart on October 04, 2004, 04:13:03 AM
*Ten Reasons When Me Should Join The Choir*

10. Rehearsals are every Wednesday night. Which means that for those few hours, you will significantly reduce your risk of contracting tendonitis from nonstop operation of a television remote control or computer mouse.

9. Because you wear a choir robe every Sunday, you are liberated from a task many men find quite challenging: finding clothes that match properly.

8. From your special vantage point every Sunday, in which you look out at the entire congregation from the choir seats, you will develop interesting new hobbies. Among these is a little guessing game called "Who's Praying, Who's Sleeping?"
 
7. On the other hand, sitting in full view of 400-500 people on a weekly basis makes it much less likely that you yourself will give in to a chronic lack of sleep. Although it has been known to happen.

6. If you think your singing in the shower sounds good now, just wait till you've been singing with us for a few weeks.

5. Singing in a choir is one of the few activities for men that does not require electronic equipment or expensive power tools. This could be good for the family budget.

4. For the fitness buffs, singing in the Choir is not only heart healthy, it's soul healthy. But there are no monthly membership fees, and it's a lot easier on the knees than jogging.

3. If you think you've done everything there is to do, and there are no great challenges left in life, try singing with us and staying on pitch, guys.

2. Choir rehearsal lasts half as long as a professional football game, but is at least twice as satisfying. (Don't worry, though, the rehearsals are on Wednesday, not Monday Nights.)

1. When people ask you whether you've been behaving yourself, you can say with the utmost sincerity, "Hey, I'm a Choir Boy."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shylynne on October 04, 2004, 12:26:41 PM
Yes I am bored outta my mind tonight. :'(
And I know these are groaners, but it's all I could come up with tonight. :'(

*sigh*  somehow gotta keep this moderator busier!   ::)


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on October 04, 2004, 11:28:37 PM
Peanuts.........

There once was a minister who found that he had grown away from his congregation.
So, in an attempt to come closer to his parishioners, he decided to visit each of them personally. At the home of one elderly widow he was invited in, but asked to sit and wait while she finished preparing her evening meal. As he sat, he noticed a bowl of peanuts on the side table and he ate a few. Time passed and he ate a few more. He went over some sermons in his mind and ate a few more peanuts. Suddenly, to his suprise, he ralized that he had eaten all of the peanuts.

When the woman returned from the kitchen he began to appologize by saying that he was extremely sorry and quite embarrassed, but in his hunger he had eaten all of her peanuts. She replied by saying, "Don't worry reverend, since I lost my false teeth all I can do is suck off the chocolate, anyway ..."

 ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on October 04, 2004, 11:30:02 PM
You Know Your Getting Old When...

You remember that your teen heart throb was Vincent Price.

You are anxiously awaiting your local yogurt store to come out with "oatmeal bran" flavor.

You can no longer even remember your true hair color.

You have stopped counting freckles and started tabulating age spots.

Your doctor is just old enough to be your grand-daughter.

You sign a petition for Lawrence Welk Show reruns on the local television station.

You know what Bon Ami is.

You reach for Watkin's Liniment for any sort of pain.

You recall when milk came in glass bottles and they were recycled automatically

You can remember getting tired legs simply from using the sewing machine.

You knew a time when people who worked in shoe stores knew something about shoes.

You recall asking your wife's parents for permission to take her on a date.

You survived entire summers without air conditioning.

You remember that all people did with grass was cut it.

Your idea of obscenity is jogging.

You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.

You sink your teeth into a nice steak and they stay there.

You stop buying natural foods, because you need all the preservatives you can get.

Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it is leaning against the wrong wall.

You join a health club and don't go.

You get out of the shower and are glad the mirror is all fogged up.

That gleam in your eye is from the sun, hitting your bifocals.

You begin to outlive enthusiasm.

Your little black book contains lots of names, all of which end in M.D.

You get winded, playing chess.

Your children begin to look middle aged.

You decide to procrastinate, but never get around to doing it.

You are still chasing women, but you can't remember why.

Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.

A dripping tap causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.

Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.

You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

You remember today that yesterday was your anniversary.

You just can't stand people who are intolerant.

That little gray haired lady you help across the street is your wife.

You sit in a rocking chair and can't make it go.

Dialing long distance wears you out.

Your pharmacist offers to carry the bag of medicines to the car for you.

You go to the barber shop and the barber asks why.

You're startled as someone addresses you as "old timer," for the first time.

You look forward to a dull evening.

You burn the midnight oil after 9:00 PM.

Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up and down as you watch a young girl walk by.

Your back goes out more often than you do.

A fortune teller offers to read your face.

You get tired watching the fish swim around in the aquarium.

You get up at night and go to the bathroom and can't recall why.

You check the obituaries in the paper for your daily status report.

A funeral director calls and makes idle conversation, asking how you feel.

Pushing the buttons on the remote control for television is confusing.

You find TV ads for new laxatives interesting.

You lose an argument with a phone answering device.

You argue with your best friend about which denture adhesive is better.

While trying to work out your hospital bill, you have to take medication for your blood pressure.

You really don't care who wins the Reader's Digest Sweepstakes.

You can remember when Doctors recommended Chesterfield Cigarettes 5 to l.

You go to the Mall not to shop but get a free blood pressure examination.

You look forward to the next sale on Supporthose.

Licking stamps on your letters is a hard day's work.

You've got it all together, but you don't remember what to do with it.

You can recall when service stations actually were.

You begin to lose hope of ever finishing your Green Stamp book.

You can remember when it wasn't necessary to call the bank before the plumber.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on October 04, 2004, 11:31:25 PM
Famous Last Words............

I respect your opinion, although it differs from mine considerably.

You don't need to bring the boat closer, I can jump from here.

It was driven by a little old lady to and from church.

We do not need to guarantee our product, it never fails.

It will work better if you remove the safety device.

Read my lips. No new taxes.

The check for that item is in the mail.

This offer is for a limited time only, so you must hurry.

It is a wonderful home in a crime free neighborhood at a ridiculous price.

If you have any problem with it, just let us know.

This IRS payment will just have to wait...

This is a maintenance free product and requires no work to keep it going.

Product requires minimal assembly which can be done with a screwdriver.

Who cares who wins, it's the way you play the game that counts.

When the current stock is sold, it will not be reordered, so buy it now.

This product is not available in any store at any price.

The weather forecast says sunshine, so leave the boots and rainwear home.

There is a minimal service charge for each call.

The superintendent will be there shortly to correct the problem.

It is absolutely water proof and has never been known to leak.

In the event of minor difficulty, consult the manual for detailed help.

At this price, you can't afford not to buy it.

In this instance, reconditioned means as good as new.

A friendly consultant is available night or day, as close as your phone.

Our generous cash refund policy does not apply to that item.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on October 04, 2004, 11:33:05 PM
(Real??) Insurance Responses..........

The reason I had this difficulty is that the tree wasn't where it would have been if I had selected the right driveway, but since I did not, there it was where it shouldn't be, and this is why I hit it.

The other car appeared, as out of nowhere, although I am sure it was somewhere before it appeared, and once it did, hitting it was the only thing left for me to do, so I did it, and frankly, I rather enjoyed it.

The stop sign which caused this action appeared there recently and was new to me.  It cause me great alarm and when I am watching its pole, I note the sign is too low for the car, which is why it destroy the windshield.  When I note this, it excite me, and that is when wall came into line of drive and cause me to ruin radiator, but not until I got the truck of the man who was putting up those stop signs. If there were more space on this form I tell you about baby carriage, but this is enough information for you for one day.

I know of no driving manual which suggests that passengers depart from the cabin of the car when going around the corner at such speeds.  When this happened, I took evasive action, and that is when I wiped out those other five cars, the bus and the branch bank office.  One of the passengers who got out of the other car still managed to come through my windshield, at considerable additional cost, may I add.

The other car collided with mine without even giving warning of its intentions.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed for the embankment.

To avoid hitting the car in front of me, I struck the pedestrian.

In my attempt to hit a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.

I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel.

I saw a sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off of the hood of my car.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road.  I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

The telephone pole was approaching; I was attempting to swerve out of the way when it struck my front end.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on October 04, 2004, 11:34:44 PM
All About Pipes..................

All pipe is to be made of a long hole surrounded by metal or plastic.

All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe.

The internal diameter of the pipe must not exceed the overall diameter otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that the water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date

All pipe should be supplied without rust; this can be more readily applied at the job site.
Note: Some suppliers are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a great deal of time on the job.

All pipe over 500ft (153m) in length should have the words "long pipe" clearly marked on each end so people will know it is a long pipe.

Pipe over two miles (3.2km) must also have the words "long pipe" painted on the middle so people will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long or short pipe.

All pipe over 6" (152mm) in diameter must have the words "large pipe" painted on it so that it cannot be mistaken for a small pipe.

Flanges must be used on all pipe.  Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle.

When ordering 90, 34 or 30 degree elbows, be sure to specify right or left hand, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.

Be sure to specify to your supplier whether you want level,  uphill, or downhill pipe.  If you use downhill pipe for going uphill the water will flow the wrong way.

All couplings should have either right hand or left hand threads, but do not mix the threads.  Otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe it is being unscrewed from the other.

When pipe is being installed in a "non-pressure" situation (e.g. gravity return, overflow or drain) the word "top" must be painted in a prominent position so that the water runs only on the bottom of the pipe.

The word "end" showing where hollow pipe stops, and solid pipe begins shall be clearly marked on all such sections.  No length shall have an "end" more than halfway from the middle, nor more than one "end" per length.

Each pipe length must be clearly marked with an arrow denoting direction of flow on each end.

Pipe will be either "unidirectional" or "bi-directional" and in such cases will bear the arrow symbol with the arrow head pointing to where the conveyed material is supposed to go.


Title: Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Brother Love on October 05, 2004, 05:03:14 AM
Yes I am bored outta my mind tonight. :'(
And I know these are groaners, but it's all I could come up with tonight. :'(

You should of went to bed ;D

You get "TWO"Thumbs DOWN ;D







(http://www.sirinet.net/~blkidps/blgif1.gif)


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on October 05, 2004, 06:42:09 AM
Yes I am bored outta my mind tonight. :'(
And I know these are groaners, but it's all I could come up with tonight. :'(

You should of went to bed ;D

You get "TWO"Thumbs DOWN ;D







(http://www.sirinet.net/~blkidps/blgif1.gif)
Oh well, let me take care of your mistake.

You should of went to bed ;D

You get "TWO"Thumbs DOWNUP ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: sincereheart on October 07, 2004, 08:41:50 AM
Two gentlemen boarded a coast-to-coast flight and were seated next to each other on the commerical plane.

After breezing through the on-flight magazine, the first man turned to the other and asked, what do you do? The gentleman replied: "I am a pastor of a church."

"Oh," said the first man quickly. "I don't believe in this religious stuff. It's for kids, you know, like the song 'Jesus Loves Me This I know, for the Bible tells me so...."
The minister politely laughed and asked the other man what he did for a living.

"I am an astronomer," said the first man.
"Oh, that stuff," said the minister. I thought it was just for kids, you know - 'Twinkle, twinkle little star....'"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on October 08, 2004, 01:32:08 AM
 A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."


A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the his voice, he answered, "It's Adam's Suit!"


The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mic, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mic cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.
After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered,"If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"


Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."


My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.


A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.
Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"


A Sunday School class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall and quoted, "Thou shalt not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on October 08, 2004, 01:33:34 AM
 I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings, at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.
Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us from e-mail. Amen." ;D


One particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."


A little boy was overhead praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am.

One balmy day in the South Pacific, a navy ship espied smoke coming from one of three huts on an uncharted island. Upon arriving at the shore they were met by a shipwreck survivor. He said, "I'm so glad you're here! I've been alone on this island for more than five years!"
The captain replied, "If you're all alone on the island why do I see THREE huts."
The survivor said, "Oh. We'll, I live in one, and go to church in another."
"What about the THIRD hut?" asked the captain.
"That's where I USED to go to church."

Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.
His grandmother remarked..."doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"
Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."
This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"
"Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"

YOU MIGHT BE IN A COUNTRY CHURCH IF . . .
1. The doors are never locked.
2. The Call To Worship is "Y'all come on in!"
3. People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.
4. The Preacher says "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" - and 5 guys stand up.
5. The restroom is outside.
6. Opening day of deer hunting season is recognized as an official church holiday.
7. A member requests to be buried in his 4-wheel drive truck because "I ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get me out of".
8. In the annual stewardship drive there is at least one pledge of "2 calves".
9. Never in its entire 100-year history has one of it's pastors had to buy any meat or vegetables.
10. When it rains, everybody's smiling.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on October 08, 2004, 01:34:59 AM
Statistics
If a church's average morning attendance is 100, how many will attend a Sunday evening service? (Answer: about ten)
If a church's average morning attendance is 2,500, how many will attend a Sunday evening service? (Answer: A Sunday evening what?)
Pastor Price has been at First Church for three years, and attendance has been growing at a rate of 11.3 percent annually, volunteerism is up, the budget is balanced, & the bathrooms painted.
What percentage salary increase can Pastor Price expect? (Answer: He will be fired for painting the bathrooms without calling a congregational meeting.)
When listening to a colleague preach, what percentage of pastors are convinced they could do a better job? (Answer: 63%. The rest aren't listening at all.)
What percentage of a pastor's time is spent in each of the following areas?
A. Prayer (Answer 3%)
B. Study & preparation (Answer: 8%)
C. Member care & counseling (Answer: 5%)
D. Leadership & Administration (Answer: 2%)
E. Little things pastors were not trained for, rarely understand, & are not in any job description (Answer: 81%)


A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later...."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later:"Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"


The Hikers
One day, Joe, Bob and Dave were hiking in a wilderness area when they came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
Joe prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river."
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, although he almost drowned a couple of times.
Seeing this, Dave prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river."
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
Bob had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools, and the intelligence, to cross this river."
Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.


TOP TEN SIGNS YOU MAY NOT BE READING YOUR BIBLE ENOUGH:

10) The Preacher announces the sermon is from Galatians ... and you check the table of contents.
9) You think Abraham, Isaac & Jacob may have had a few hit songs during the 60's.
8) You open to the Gospel of Luke and a WWII Savings Bond falls out.
7) Your favorite Old Testament Patriarch is Hercules.
6) A small family of woodchucks has taken up residence in the Psalms of your Bible.
5) You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn't listed in either the Concordance or the Table of Contents.
4) Catching the kids reading the Song of Solomon, you demand: "Who gave you this stuff?"
3) You think the Minor Prophets worked in the quarries.
2) You keep falling for it every time when Pastor tells you to turn to First Condominiums.
And the number one sign you may not be reading your Bible enough:
1) The kids keep asking too many questions about your usual bedtime story: "Jonah the Shepherd Boy and His Ark of Many Colors."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on October 08, 2004, 01:35:56 AM
A church had to hire a new pastor.
Over the protests of one vocal male member a woman was hired as the new senior pastor.
After the new pastor had been there a few weeks, a member of the congregation offered to take the new pastor fishing.
The vocal objector reluctantly agreed to allow them to use his boat and to go along.
The trio got into the boat and motored out on the lake.
When they got ready to fish, they realized that all their tackle had been left on the dock. One of the men commented that they would just have to go back and get it.
The new pastor said that wouldn't be necessary, and she got out of the boat and started walking across the water toward the dock.
The old grouch said, "See I told you we never should have brought her fishing.
She can't even swim!"


Hospital Bills
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy who was waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand.
"We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, sorry, I don't have any insurance," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.
"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.
"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters;' they are married to God."
"Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."


PRAYER
An elderly gentleman passed his granddaughter's room one night and overheard her repeating the alphabet in an oddly reverent way.
What on earth are you up to?" he asked.
"I'm saying my prayers," explained the little girl.
"But I can't think of exactly the right words tonight, so I'm just saying all the letters. God will put them together for me, because He knows what I'm thinking."


A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passersby pulled him from the wreck and revived him. He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics.
Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so. He said, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing 'Shell' sign...and somebody was standing in front of the "S"!


THE ONE DOLLAR BILL

There was this $20 dollar bill and a $1 dollar bill on the conveyor belt at the downtown Federal Reserve Building. As they were laying there side by side the $1 dollar bill said to the $20 dollar bill, "Hey mannnnnn, where have you been. I haven't seen you in a long time?" The $20 dollar bill replied, "Man I have been having a ball!! I've been traveling to distant countries, going to the finest restaurants, to the biggest and best casinos, numerous boutiques, the mall uptown, the mall downtown, the mall across town and even a mall that I just newly built. In fact, just this week I've been to Europe, a professional NBA game, Rodeo Drive, the all day retreat spa, the top-notch hair salon and the new casino!! I have done it all!!!"


After describing his great travels, the $20 dollar bill asked the $1dollar bill, "What about you? Where have you been?" The $1 dollar replied, "Well, I've been to the Baptist church, the Methodist church, the Presbyterian church, the Episcopalian church the Church of God in Christ, the Catholic church, the Mormon church, the church of the Latter Day Saints , the A.M.E. church, the Disciple of Christ church, the... "WAIT A MINUTE! WAIT A M I N U T E !!", shouted the $20 dollar bill to the $1 dollar bill. "What's a church??"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on October 08, 2004, 01:37:16 AM
EULOGY

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation.
They are all asked the same question: "When you are in your casket, friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I'd like to hear them say...... LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!"


Kid prayers, you got to love them.

Dear God,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
Norma

Dear God,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones you have now?
Jane

Dear God,
Who draws the lines around the countries?
Nan

Dear God,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?
Neil

Dear God,
Thank you for my baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
Joyce

Dear God, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway
Your friend (but I am not going to tell you who I am)

Dear God,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.
Bruce

Dear God,
If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton, because I hate her.
Denise

Dear God,
I want to be just like my daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over.
Sam

Dear God,
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.
Ruth

Dear God,
I think about you sometimes, even when I'm not praying.
Elliott

Dear God,
I bet it is very hard for you to love all the people in the world.
There are only four people in our family and I can never do it.
Nan

Dear God,
Of all the people who worked for you, I like Noah and David the best.
Rob

Dear God,
My brother told me about being born, but it doesn't sound right.
They are just kidding, aren't they?
Marsha

Dear God,
If you watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show you my new shoes.
Mickey

Dear God,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School, we learned that you did it. So I bet he stole your idea.
Sincerely, Donna

Dear God,
I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well I just want you to know that I am not just saying this because you are God already.
Charles

Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool!
Eugene

Dear God,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.
Larry


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on October 08, 2004, 01:38:47 AM
Falling Down

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday, from the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.

About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come to the confessional, they keep talking about having 'fallen.'"

The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about! Your wife fell three times this week.


Sounds of the Night

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fixed his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, and fixed his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny, may I have the key?"

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst...

Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
From:Kelly McClendon (kellymac@aye.net)
Maybe it's because our church just had it's 70th funereal in the past 3 1/2 years (four since Christmas) but I thought this was hilarious.


Chocolate Chip Cookies

As the elderly man lay dying in his bed, death's agony was suddenly pushed aside as he smelled the aroma of his favorite homemade chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with intense concentration, supported himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. In labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing wide-eyed into the kitchen.

There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally HUNDREDS of his favorite chocolate chip cookies!

Was it heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture, one hand on the edge of the table. The aged and withered hand quiveringly made its way to a cookie near the edge of the table; feeling the warm soft dough actually made the pain of his bones subside for a moment. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.

What, then, was this sudden stinging that caused his hand to recoil?

He looked to see his wife, still holding the spatula she had just used to smack his hand.

"Stay out of those!" she said, "they're for the funeral."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on October 08, 2004, 01:40:08 AM
Jokes that you can tell at choir practice

A first grader was sitting in class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home.
She said "...And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said 'Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?'
Then the teacher asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" and my friend's son raised his hand and said "I know! I know!, he said.....
'Holy smokes! A talking pig!'"


A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."


An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class.
"How did that happen?" gasped her mother.
"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."


One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks,
"Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied,
"Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said,
"So, Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"


The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's dead."


A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."
"Yes, sir," the boys said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."


For weeks, a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said,
"Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on October 08, 2004, 01:41:53 AM
Ok...here it is:
a man was hiking through a forest and was becoming very tired. then he stumbled upon a farm that had plenty of horses.he asked the farmer if he could borrow one."well son,"the farmer said,"i can only lend u one cause all the others are working.but it is a special horse.if u want to make it go say praise the Lord, and if u want it to stop say amen. now the man climbed on and shouted praise the Lord, the horse ambled along it picked up speed after a time and didn't stop.by this time the man could not remember what to say to make it stop.he saw a cliff Right in front of him.then he started to pray of course at the end of he said amen.he horse stopped right at the adge of the cliff.the man breathed a sigh of relief and shouted praise the Lord.

one day there was this little girl and said can a whale swallow a man.the teacher said no it is phisically impossible.the girl said dont you believe the story of jonah and the whale the teacher said yes but it is phisically impossible for a whale to swallow a man.well when i go to heaven i am going to ask jonah if he really got swallowed by a whale.the teacher said what if jonah went to you know where.the little girl replied then you ask him

There are only eaghtteen latters in the alphabet becouse E.T went home in his U.F.O and the C.I.A wentafter him.

The photographer for a National Magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he franctically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled "Let's go Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the North side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on October 08, 2004, 01:43:45 AM
Which Way to Heaven?

Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Baptist Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to heaven."

The boy replied, "I don't think I'll be there... You don't even know your way to the post office."


Lesson in Lying

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."


Unwanted Visitor

A man, down on his luck, went into a church which catered to the "uppity". Spotting the man's dirty clothes a deacon, worried about the churches image, went to the man and asked him if he needed help. The man said, "I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church."

The deacon suggested that the man go pray some more and possibly he might get a different answer. The next Sunday the man returned. The deacon asked, "Did you get a different answer?"

The man replied, "Yes I did. I told the Lord that they don't want me in that church and the Lord said, 'Don't worry about it son; I've been trying to get into that church for years and haven't made it yet."


Visiting Pastor

A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one house, it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door even though the preacher knocked several times. Finally, the preacher took out his card, wrote out "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it, and stuck it in the door.

Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with me. - Revelation 3:20

The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate. Below the preacher's message was written the following notation:

I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself. - Genesis 3:10


Sermon

A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.

"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.

"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"

"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."
Where is God

Two brothers are terrible trouble makers. They are always breaking things, stealing things, lying, and making all kinds of general trouble. The parents have tried everything to get the boys to change, to no avail. Finally, out of options, they ask their pastor if he can help. He says he will talk to the boys, but only one at a time. The parents drop off the youngest and go home, promising to return to get him soon. The boy sits in a chair across from the pastor's desk and they just look at each other.

Finally, the Pastor says, "Where is God?"

The boy just sits there and doesn't answer.

The pastor begins to look stern and loudly says, "Where is God?"

The little boy shifts in his seat, but still doesn't answer.

The pastor is starting to get angry at the boy's refusal to converse and practically shouts "Where is God?"

To the pastor's surprise, the little boy jumps up out of his chair and runs out of the office.

The boy leaves the church and runs all the way home, up the stairs and into his brother's room. He shuts the door and pants, "We're in BIG TROUBLE. God's missing and they think we did it!"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on October 08, 2004, 01:46:02 AM
Preaching
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.

Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.

After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

Prospecting for the Lord
On a sunny Sunday afternoon, two young church members were going door to door to invite people to visit their services. When they knocked on one door, it was immediately clear the woman who answered was not happy to see them.

She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message, and before they could say anything more, she slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, however, the door did not close; in fact, it bounced back open. She tried again, really putting her back into it, and slammed it again with the same result - the door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in her door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson. Just then, one of them said quietly: "Ma'am, before you do that again, you really need to move your cat."


A Special Find
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them.

Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"


Cost of a Sermon
One beautiful Sunday morning, a priest announced to his congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons...a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour.

"Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."


The Helper
A pastor is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boys efforts for some time, the pastor moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the pastor smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"


Title: Which Way to Heaven?
Post by: Brother Love on October 08, 2004, 09:14:56 AM
Which Way to Heaven?

Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Baptist Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to heaven."

The boy replied, "I don't think I'll be there... You don't even know your way to the post office."


 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
LOVE IT - Thanks DreamWeaver




<:)))><


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Reba on October 08, 2004, 10:46:06 AM
 MEGA DITTOS!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on October 12, 2004, 02:41:20 AM
This was an e-mail I got today, I want to share.

One sunny day in 2005, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry." The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Kerry is not President and doesn't reside here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry" The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Kerry is not President and doesn't reside here." The man thanked him and again walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very

same Marine, saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry." The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Kerry. I've told you already that Mr. Kerry is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"

The old man answered, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: sincereheart on October 13, 2004, 08:23:33 AM
This was an e-mail I got today, I want to share.

One sunny day in 2005, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry." The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Kerry is not President and doesn't reside here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry" The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Kerry is not President and doesn't reside here." The man thanked him and again walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very

same Marine, saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry." The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Kerry. I've told you already that Mr. Kerry is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"

The old man answered, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."

ROFL! Oh, that's priceless! ROFL!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: TigerLily on October 14, 2004, 10:58:12 PM
Got these in my email and thought they were cute, im not sure if they been posted before and didnt take the tiem to go thru um 42 things of jokes lol to see so if they are , just ignore me  ;)
An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with
bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo.  Lots of children were
waiting in  line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was
decorating them   with tiger paws.  "You've got so many freckles,
there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little
fella.  Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head.  His grandmother
knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl
I always wanted freckles, she said, while tracing her finger across the
child's cheek.  "Freckles are beautiful!"
 The boy looked up, "Really?"  "Of course," said the grandmother."Why,
just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles." ...............
The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's
face, and softly whispered, ............"Wrinkles."


 After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old
slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.  As she heard
the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew
thin.  At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed
 into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.  As she
left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling
voice, "Who was THAT?"

 A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.  They were
ready to discuss the last one.  The teacher asked if anyone could tell
him what it was.  Susie raised her! hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou
shall not take the covers off thy neighbour's wife," ;) ;D



 Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his father about the
movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea.  The
scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed.
In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark,
  "What caused the submarine to sink?"  With a look of incredulity Mark
replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!!"

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids
home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.  Sitting in the front seat
of
the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.  The children started discussing the
dog's duties.  "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No,"  said another, "he's just for good luck."  A third child brought
the argument  to a close...."They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to
find the fire hydrant."




Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: TigerLily on October 14, 2004, 11:07:58 PM
Got in my mail.. Just some crazy thoughts LOl.. thought some were kinda humurous!
TL


Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative  on the same night.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why
the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve,
its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

You should not confuse your career with your life.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

Never lick a steak knife.

The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling  reason why we observe daylight savings time.

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday.
       
The one thing that unites all human beings,regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status  or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average  drivers.

 A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a
nice person.(This is very important. Pay   attention. It never
fails.)

Your friends love you anyway.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that alone amateur built the Ark.  A large group of professionals built the Titanic.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Brother Love on October 15, 2004, 04:51:50 AM
My FAVORITE ;D


Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his father about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea.  The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed.
In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark,
  "What caused the submarine to sink?"  With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!!"



LOL tigerlily



(http://www.sirinet.net/~blkidps/blgif1.gif)


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: TigerLily on October 15, 2004, 08:29:19 AM
 ;D  


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Brother Love on October 15, 2004, 02:13:03 PM
;D  


Stop Telling God How Big Your Storm Is.
Instead,Tell The Storm How BIG Your GOD Is!"



DITTO


(http://www.sirinet.net/~blkidps/blgif1.gif)


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on November 10, 2004, 12:15:39 AM
 THERE was a rather old-fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in language. She and he husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a campground and asked for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just could not bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the term "bathroom commode". But after writing that down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she rewrote the entire letter and referred to the "bathroom commode" merely as the "BC". "Does the campground have its own BC?" is what she actually wrote.

Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure what the woman was talking about. That "BC" business really stumped him. He showed the letter to several couples, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner finally came to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the nearest Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:

DEAR MADAM,

I regret the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a BC is located 9 miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. It is located in a beautiful pine grove and is open only on Sundays and Wednesdays. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that many people take their lunch along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.

My daughter met her husband in the BC. Sometimes it is so crowded there are five to a seat. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC. It pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely not due to a lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you decide to come to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go and sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks.

We will be sure to get a seat up front where you can be seen by everyone.. Remember, we are a friendly community.

Sincerely, the Campground Owner.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on November 10, 2004, 12:18:50 AM
How to Annoy Other People

Leave the copy machine set to 99 copies, reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper.
In the memo field of all your checks write "for massage."
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss.
Make beeping noises when you back up.
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others you "like it that way."
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat the complimentary mints by the cash register.
TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
type only in lowercase.
Don't use any punctuation either
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times:
"Do you hear that?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
Ask people what gender they are.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down
Sing along at the opera.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook and mutter something about " psychological profiles."
Tell your friends 5 days prior, that you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
And the Final Way to Annoy People...
Send this email to everyone in your email address book even if they sent it to you or ask you not to send things like this!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on November 10, 2004, 12:20:14 AM
A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"

The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind

Him!"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on November 10, 2004, 12:22:26 AM
The World's Easiest Quiz?

1. How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2. Which country makes Panama hats?
3. From which animal do we get catgut?
4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5. What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7. What was King George VI's first name?
8. What color is a purple finch?
9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10. How long did the Thirty Years War last?
















And now the answers...

1. 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.
2. Ecuador.
3. From sheep and horses.
4. November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
5. Squirrel fur.
6. The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs.
7. Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert.
8. Distinctively crimson.
9. New Zealand.
10. Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on November 10, 2004, 12:23:53 AM
The Note


Fred was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his pastor. As the pastor stood beside the bed, Fred's frail condition grew worse, and he began to flail about as he tried to speak. Being unable to do so, he then motioned frantically for something to write on.

The priest, keeping watch at the side of his bed leaned quietly over and asked, "Do you have something you would like to say?"

Fred nodded to the affirmative, and the priest handed him a pad and pen. "I know you can't speak, but use this to write a note, and I will give it to your wife. She's waiting just outside."

Gathering his last ounce of strength, Fred took them and scrawled his message upon the pad which he stuffed into the priest's hands. Then, moments later, he died.

The pastor thought it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket. After administering the last rites, the priest left to break the sad news to the wife.

Several days later, at the funeral, the pastor delivered the eulogy. He realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he'd worn the day Fred died. "You know," he said, "Old Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't read it yet, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all." He unfolded the note and proceeded to aloud,

"GET OFF MY #@!!&*$%@! OXYGEN TUBE!!"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on November 10, 2004, 12:24:49 AM
Quick Intelligence Test

   1. If you went to bed at 8 o'clock at night and wound up your clock alarm to get you up at 9 o'clock the next morning, how many hours sleep would you get?
   2. Do they have a 4th of July in England?
   3. How many birth days does the average man have?
   4. Why can't a man living in Winston-Salem, NC, be buried west of the Mississippi River?
   5. If you had only one match and entered a room in which there was a kerosene lamp, an oil heater, and a woodburning stove, which would you light first?
   6. Some months have 30 days, some have 31; how many months have 28 days?
   7. If a doctor gave you 3 pills and told you to take one every half hour, how long would they last you?
   8. A man builds a house and all four sides have a southern exposure. A bear wanders by - what color is the bear?
   9. How far can a dog run into the woods?
  10. What four words appear on every denomination of U.S. coins?
  11. In baseball, how many outs in an inning?
  12. I have in my hand only 2 U.S. coins which total 55 cents in value. One is not a nickel. What are the coins?
  13. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many did he have left?
  14. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add ten. What is the answer?
  15. Two men were playing checkers. Each played five games and each man won the same number of games. No draws. How can this be?
  16. Take two apples from three apples and what do you have?
  17. An archaeologist claimed he found some coins of gold dated to 46 B.C. Do you think he did?
  18. How many animals of each species did Moses take aboard the Ark with him?
  19. Is it legal in California for a man to marry his widow's sister?








The answers to the above are below:

   1. 1 hour of sleep. Wind up clocks don't have am/pm settings.
   2. Yes, and a 5th, a 6th, ...
   3. 1
   4. He could be buried alive but that would be awful.
   5. Light the match first.
   6. All 12 have 28 days
   7. 1 hour
   8. White. The North Pole is the only place where all four sides face south.
   9. halfway, then he would be running out of the woods.
  10. In God We Trust
  11. 6 outs per inning
  12. A half-dollar and a nickel. (Only one was not a nickel)
  13. 9 sheep
  14. 70
  15. They weren't playing against each other
  16. 2 apples
  17. How can coins be dated B.C. if the designation didn't exist until A.D.
  18. I thought Noah brought 2 of each animal, not Moses
  19. No. Can't marry someone if you're dead.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shylynne on November 13, 2004, 06:22:58 PM
Quizzes and Tests will not help the medicine go down  :-X


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Symphony on November 15, 2004, 10:50:01 PM
Quizzes and Tests will not help the medicine go down  :-X


    ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shylynne on November 17, 2004, 07:26:25 PM
Quizzes and Tests will not help the medicine go down  :-X


    ;D

are you laughing at me?  :-[

     :P


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on November 22, 2004, 04:50:38 PM
Subject: Divorce

An elderly man in Florida calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,"the old man says. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "They're getting a divorce,"  she shouts. "I'll take care of this."

She calls Florida immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shylynne on December 11, 2004, 09:20:24 PM
Two cows are standing in a barn.

First cow says, "I'm a bit concerned about this mad cow disease that's going around."

Second cow replies, "I'm not worried, it doesn't affect penguins."


   ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on December 13, 2004, 02:16:18 AM
Blonde on the Sun

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
________________________________________
The top 18 ways to confuse Santa Claus

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa"

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

8. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy." Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa"

11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

16. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

17. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

18. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on December 13, 2004, 02:17:42 AM
Twelve Days of Christmas Memo

CORPORATE MEMO

To: All Staff
Date: December 1
Subject: New "Twelve Days of Christmas" Policy


The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance in the season's gift distribution business. Home Shopping TV channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He and the Board could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in the reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press (gas and solid waste).

We're pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole!

Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose get red, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of the year when they are known to be under 'executive stress'.

As for further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" music subsidiary:

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line;

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

Happy Holidays all!!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on December 13, 2004, 02:19:17 AM
'Twas The Day After Christmas

Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurting-- even the mouse.

The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.

Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while
Upstairs the family continued to snore.

And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
Went into the kitchen and started to clean.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.

The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."

With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.

Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:

"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penny's and Sears
Here's Levitz's and Target's and Mervyn's -- all here!!

To the tip or your limit, every store, every mall,
Now chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway all!"

He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.

He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.

Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
"ENJOY WHAT YOU GOT ... YOU'LL BE PAYING ALL YEAR!"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on December 13, 2004, 02:20:51 AM
20 Uses for Fruitcake :)

1. Use as a doorstop

2. Use as a paper weigh

3. Use to clean your pots and pans

4. Use as boat anchor

5. Use as bricks in fireplace

6. Build a house with them

7. Use it to hold up your Christmas tree

8. Use as a pencil holder

9. Give it to the cat for a scratching post

10. Put it in the back yard to feed the birds and squirrels

11. Hold up your car when changing tires

12. Slice and use for poker chips

13. Use it to carve your turkey on

14. Use as replacement for Duraflame log

15. Take it camping with you...use it to weigh down the tent

16. Use it as a seat at a stadium event

17. Stand on it when you change a lightbulb

18. Put it in the back of your car/truck for snow/ice driving

19. Replaces free weights when you work out

20. Use as book ends at the school library


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on December 13, 2004, 02:22:47 AM
A Dog's Rules For Christmas

1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.

2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.

3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.

4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:

a. Don't pee on the tree

b. Don't drink water in the container that holds the tree

c. Mind your tail when you are near the tree

d. If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open

e. Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree

5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part:
a. Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans

b. Don't eat off the buffet table

c. Beg for goodies subtly

d. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa

e. Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach

6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important:

a. Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. (4a is particularly important)

b. Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house

c. Tolerate children

d. Turn on your charm big time

7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night.
DON'T BITE HIM!!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on December 13, 2004, 02:25:15 AM
Christmas Riddles

What do you have in December that you don't have in any
other month? The letter "D".

What do you call a polar bear wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want. He can't hear you!

What do you call a chicken at the North Pole?
Lost.

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up? Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!

What happened when Santa's cat swallowed a ball of yarn?
She had mittens.

What do you call it when your Christmas tree explodes?
A tannen-bomb. (tannenbaum)

What's red and white and red and white and red and white?
Santa Claus rolling down a hill.

Where did the mistletoe go to become rich and famous?
Holly-wood.

Why did Frosty go to live in the middle of the ocean?
Because snow man is an island.

Okay thats enough groaners for tonight. :P


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Symphony on December 13, 2004, 08:51:16 PM
bep, above:

Subject: Divorce

An elderly man in Florida calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,"the old man says. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "They're getting a divorce,"  she shouts. "I'll take care of this."

She calls Florida immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.



      ;D


Perfect, bep, perfect.  


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Symphony on December 27, 2004, 12:09:37 AM
A new soldier is about to make his first parachute jump.

"After you jump, count to ten and yank the cord," says the instructor.  "If your chute doesn't open, yank the second cord.  That's your emergency chute.

"When you land, a truck'll be by to pick you up."

The time came to jump.  "Alright, jump!"

Out sails the soldier, down, down down, counting to ten. He yanks on the cord.  Nothing happens.

He yanks on the second cord.  Nothing happens.

He says to himself, "Oh, I guess this means the truck won't be there either."


    ::)


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on December 27, 2004, 04:22:37 AM
A new soldier is about to make his first parachute jump.

"After you jump, count to ten and yank the cord," says the instructor.  "If your chute doesn't open, yank the second cord.  That's your emergency chute.

"When you land, a truck'll be by to pick you up."

The time came to jump.  "Alright, jump!"

Out sails the soldier, down, down down, counting to ten. He yanks on the cord.  Nothing happens.

He yanks on the second cord.  Nothing happens.

He says to himself, "Oh, I guess this means the truck won't be there either."


    ::)
ROFL! ;D

I got to say, I like it Symphony ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Symphony on December 28, 2004, 11:32:35 PM

   ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shylynne on January 03, 2005, 08:54:47 PM
The cure for you all...
(http://images.google.ca/images?q=tbn:4uIQRH1JnK4J:www.cannonsgreatescapes.net)

  :P


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on January 03, 2005, 09:09:44 PM
The cure for you all...
(http://images.google.ca/images?q=tbn:4uIQRH1JnK4J:www.cannonsgreatescapes.net)

  :P
I think you better add yourself to the list, Shylynne. ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shylynne on January 03, 2005, 09:22:12 PM
The cure for you all...
(http://images.google.ca/images?q=tbn:4uIQRH1JnK4J:www.cannonsgreatescapes.net)

  :P
I think you better add yourself to the list, Shylynne. ;D
oh i`m quite safely tucked away in my padded cell thank you   :P


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on January 03, 2005, 11:43:21 PM
The cure for you all...
(http://images.google.ca/images?q=tbn:4uIQRH1JnK4J:www.cannonsgreatescapes.net)

  :P
I think you better add yourself to the list, Shylynne. ;D
oh i`m quite safely tucked away in my padded cell thank you   :P
The jacket is part of your uniform, Shylynne. ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shylynne on January 04, 2005, 12:14:10 PM
The cure for you all...
(http://images.google.ca/images?q=tbn:4uIQRH1JnK4J:www.cannonsgreatescapes.net)

  :P
I think you better add yourself to the list, Shylynne. ;D
oh i`m quite safely tucked away in my padded cell thank you   :P
The jacket is part of your uniform, Shylynne. ;D
oh no Dreamweaver, those are only for the truly insane ones,
I`m merely a wee tad unsensible sometimes  ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Soldier4Christ on January 04, 2005, 11:09:44 PM
The cure for you all...
(http://images.google.ca/images?q=tbn:4uIQRH1JnK4J:www.cannonsgreatescapes.net)

  :P
I think you better add yourself to the list, Shylynne. ;D
oh i`m quite safely tucked away in my padded cell thank you   :P
The jacket is part of your uniform, Shylynne. ;D
oh no Dreamweaver, those are only for the truly insane ones,
I`m merely a wee tad unsensible sometimes  ;D


Is that the reason my closet is full of those?  ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Kris777 on January 04, 2005, 11:52:51 PM

(http://images.google.ca/images?q=tbn:4uIQRH1JnK4J:www.cannonsgreatescapes.net)

 I find these quite stylish.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on January 05, 2005, 01:56:25 AM
The cure for you all...
(http://images.google.ca/images?q=tbn:4uIQRH1JnK4J:www.cannonsgreatescapes.net)

  :P
I think you better add yourself to the list, Shylynne. ;D
oh i`m quite safely tucked away in my padded cell thank you   :P
The jacket is part of your uniform, Shylynne. ;D
oh no Dreamweaver, those are only for the truly insane ones,
I`m merely a wee tad unsensible sometimes  ;D
Only sometimes? ???


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on January 05, 2005, 01:57:38 AM

(http://images.google.ca/images?q=tbn:4uIQRH1JnK4J:www.cannonsgreatescapes.net)

 I find these quite stylish.
You would! ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Kris777 on January 05, 2005, 09:54:40 PM

(http://images.google.ca/images?q=tbn:4uIQRH1JnK4J:www.cannonsgreatescapes.net)

 I find these quite stylish.
You would! ;D

Your just jealous, because I have good taste in clothing :-X


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on January 07, 2005, 01:33:42 AM

(http://images.google.ca/images?q=tbn:4uIQRH1JnK4J:www.cannonsgreatescapes.net)

 I find these quite stylish.
You would! ;D

Your just jealous, because I have good taste in clothing :-X
No, I am not jealous you can wear what ever you like. I would never say anything. ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Kris777 on January 07, 2005, 01:39:39 AM

(http://images.google.ca/images?q=tbn:4uIQRH1JnK4J:www.cannonsgreatescapes.net)

 I find these quite stylish.
You would! ;D

Your just jealous, because I have good taste in clothing :-X
No, I am not jealous you can wear what ever you like. I would never say anything. ;D

Just point and laugh. ::)



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on January 07, 2005, 02:02:59 AM

(http://images.google.ca/images?q=tbn:4uIQRH1JnK4J:www.cannonsgreatescapes.net)

 I find these quite stylish.
You would! ;D

Your just jealous, because I have good taste in clothing :-X
No, I am not jealous you can wear what ever you like. I would never say anything. ;D

Just point and laugh. ::)


Sorry, I wouldn't do that. That would be a sin, judging others by what they wear. :P


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Kris777 on January 07, 2005, 03:19:48 AM
DW and everyone else that reads this post, I am truly sorry for what I posted.  It was totally insensitive of me.  I wasn't thinking.  I just thought about it and realized how cruel I was.  I didn't mean or think anything of it before, but sorry.  Thank you DW for correcting me.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on January 07, 2005, 10:34:33 AM
DW and everyone else that reads this post, I am truly sorry for what I posted.  It was totally insensitive of me.  I wasn't thinking.  I just thought about it and realized how cruel I was.  I didn't mean or think anything of it before, but sorry.  Thank you DW for correcting me.
Your welcome, we still love you. ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on January 08, 2005, 12:56:35 AM
Believe it or not, can you tell?

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on January 08, 2005, 01:06:27 AM
Female v. Male

NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Big Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need because it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.  

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same
thing.

AND FINALLY..
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied,  in-laws."

Last but not least.......................

I am running out of this thread, before the women come after ME!! ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Kris777 on January 08, 2005, 01:07:21 AM
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!  

Wow! I sneeze like 6 or 7 times when I sneeze.  


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on January 08, 2005, 01:12:14 AM
Message from Santa Claus

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the States of Alabama, Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, Louisiana and Arkansas on Christmas Eve.

Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was re-negotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.

Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that leads:

"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace.  And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

And finally,

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.


Sincerely Yours,
Satan Claus

I should have posted this two weeks ago. ::)


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on January 08, 2005, 01:23:58 AM
Watch out for these new viruses - - Neither Norton, nor McAfee have solutions as yet!!!

The John Kerry Virus - Reverses every position in your computer, each time you turn it on.

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting.

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves... but will be back!

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy........then discards it through Windows
_________________________________________________

Son to Father: Daddy, how was I born?"

Dad answered: "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said -----

You've Got Male!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on January 08, 2005, 01:30:35 AM
Just a few more groaners. :)

A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the his voice, he answered, "It's Adam's Suit!"

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mic, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mic cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.
After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered,"If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings, at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.
Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us from e-mail. Amen."

One particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

One balmy day in the South Pacific, a navy ship espied smoke coming from one of three huts on an uncharted island. Upon arriving at the shore they were met by a shipwreck survivor. He said, "I'm so glad you're here! I've been alone on this island for more than five years!"
The captain replied, "If you're all alone on the island why do I see THREE huts."
The survivor said, "Oh. We'll, I live in one, and go to church in another."
"What about the THIRD hut?" asked the captain.
"That's where I USED to go to church."

Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.
His grandmother remarked..."doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"
Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."
This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"
"Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on January 17, 2005, 04:32:56 PM
Chicken With Three Legs:

There was the guy driving along the highway at 40. A chicken was keeping up with him and the chicken had three legs. He increased speed to 60 and the chicken was still running alongside. He then increased his speed to 80, and the chicken sped up and cut across in front of him and went up a side road. The guy was intrigued by all this, so turned around and drove into the side road which ended in a farmer's yard. The farmer came over to the car and asked if he could help. The motorist asked if he had seen a three-legged chicken come through his yard. The farmer said he had and, as a matter of fact, he and his sons had bred the chickens to provide three drumsticks.

"How are they?" asked the motorist.

Replied the farmer, "WE don't know, we've never been able to catch one of them!"


Title: Exercise Program
Post by: nChrist on January 17, 2005, 05:52:22 PM
Exercise program:
>
>
>
>New exercise Routine if you're over 55
>
>You might want to take it easy at first, and then do it faster as >you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.
>
>Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program !
>
>SCROLL DOWN...
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>That's enough for the first day. Great job.
>
>Eat an entire pie!


Title: Re:Exercise Program
Post by: Soldier4Christ on January 17, 2005, 09:25:15 PM
Exercise program:
>
>
>
>New exercise Routine if you're over 55
>
>You might want to take it easy at first, and then do it faster as >you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.
>
>Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program !
>
>SCROLL DOWN...
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>That's enough for the first day. Great job.
>
>Eat an entire pie!



You got me to tired to eat the pie!   ;D ;D


Title: Re:Exercise Program
Post by: cris on January 17, 2005, 10:07:56 PM
Exercise program:
>
>
>
>New exercise Routine if you're over 55
>
>You might want to take it easy at first, and then do it faster as >you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.
>
>Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program !
>
>SCROLL DOWN...
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>NOW SCROLL UP.. ...
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>That's enough for the first day. Great job.
>
>Eat an entire pie!



You got me to tired to eat the pie!   ;D ;D


Oh, me too!   My fingers are killing me.  I couldn't possibly hold a fork.  



Title: Re:Exercise Program
Post by: Shammu on January 18, 2005, 01:40:48 AM
Exercise program:
>
>
>
>New exercise Routine if you're over 55
>
>You might want to take it easy at first, and then do it faster as >you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.
>
>Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program !
>
>SCROLL DOWN...
>
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>NOW SCROLL UP.. ...
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>That's enough for the first day. Great job.
>
>Eat an entire pie!



You got me to tired to eat the pie!   ;D ;D


Oh, me too!   My fingers are killing me.  I couldn't possibly hold a fork.  


Who needs a fork................................. ;D

(http://www.voxdisplays.com/_home_assets/big_mouth02.jpg)


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on January 18, 2005, 01:47:49 AM
The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so the  preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest man in town.
 
At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced,  "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000."
 
Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase  my donation to $5,000."
 
Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge."
 
He sat down, and an larger chunk of plaster fell hitting him on the  head. He stood once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!"
 
This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord!  Hit him  again!"
______________________________________________
now for a groaner.........
The sky is blue....
The water is wet....
Old satan clause.....
Is getting stronger....... :'(


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Yoyostick on January 18, 2005, 04:16:14 PM
Where in the world do you get all of these?


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on January 18, 2005, 04:36:54 PM
Where in the world do you get all of these?
Some of them I made up, a few off the net. :D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on January 18, 2005, 09:27:31 PM
Dreamweaver,

 ;D   ;D   ROFL! - Thanks Brother - I needed that laugh.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on January 19, 2005, 12:56:37 AM
Well here are a few more Tom. :D

"The Computer is Down"

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asketh the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
____________________________________________________
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was  tucking her small boy into bed.  She was about to turn off the  light when he asked with a tremor in his voice,
"Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"  The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't  dear,"  she said.
"I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
 "The big sissy."
____________________________________________________
A short history of Medicine,

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 BC - "Here, eat this root."
1000 BC - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 AD - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 AD - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 AD - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 AD - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"
____________________________________________________
Why do we have a leap year (as in this year) and why is it in February?

The issue of leap year and the weirdness of February is always worth looking at because, coming so infrequently, who can remember the explanation for it from the last time?

The earth revolves around the sun every 365.24 days, not an even 365. That produces an extra day's worth of hours every four years. We could distribute them as a bonus to everyone--a one-day time-out every fourth year in which the clock is stopped and we stay in bed all day. But we don't. Instead we add an extra day onto February.

Why February? It was originally the last month on the Roman calendar and a logical place to stick the extra day. But Julius Caesar changed the first month to January, stranding February and its little peculiarity in the second spot.
____________________________________________________
Star in the East?

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says,
"Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says,
"Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Debbie?"
Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says,
"Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on January 19, 2005, 12:59:11 AM
The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to heaven together.

"Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter, "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen.  Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready... We can't take you in and we can't send you back...."

Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. What d'ya say?"

Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.

However, two days later, St. Peter got a call.

"Pete, Lu.  Hey, you gotta come get these three clowns.
This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody,
the Graham guy is saving everybody,
and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning."
____________________________________________________
Here is the LOST CHAPTER IN GENESIS....
Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him,
"What is wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said,
"This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
The rest is history..
____________________________________________________
 A Minister was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.

The group had surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"

One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."

Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was dead silence for about a minute.  Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."
____________________________________________________
Locked Car Door

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.

She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that her the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."

So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.

The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Kris777 on January 20, 2005, 11:22:43 PM
 Truths


GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.




GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.




GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.




THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.



SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Kris777 on January 20, 2005, 11:38:02 PM

The Bull

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In
order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving,
the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides
she wants to buy it. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to
send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.
I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, It's just 99 cents a word."  Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says,  "I want you to send her the word "comfortable."

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable"?

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big.
She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bul."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on January 23, 2005, 09:31:03 PM
When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
_________________________________
One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orang-utan was reading two books - the Bible and Darwin's The Origin of Species. In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books"?
"Well," said the orang-utang, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."
_________________________________
An unemployed biologist got a new job at the zoo. They offered him to dress up in a gorilla's skin and pretend to be a gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo.
On his first day on the job, the guy puts on the skin and goes into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring.
During one acrobatic attempt, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help!"
The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll both lose our jobs!"
_________________________________
It has been discovered that research causes cancer in laboratory rats.
_________________________________
A Charles Darwin anecdote:

Charles Darwin saw a beetle and picked it up. He saw a second and picked that one up in the other hand. He then saw a third one, which he really wanted. Not knowing what to do, he shoved one of the ones he was holding into his mouth in order to pick up the third one. The one in the mouth emitted some kind of stuff which made him spit out the beetle and also lose the other two.
_________________________________
Q: what do you call the leader of a biology gang?
A: The nucleus.
_________________________________
Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking.
_________________________________
How do you identify a bald eagle?
All his feathers are combed over to one side.
_________________________________
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Darwin1: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
Darwin2: The fittest chickens cross the road.
_________________________________
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

Yes,  I am in a weird mood today.
Bob


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on February 04, 2005, 11:48:57 PM
All About Light Bulbs:


Q: How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 10, as they need to hold a debate into whether or not the lightbulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the lightbulb they may not go ahead and change it for fear of alienating those who use fluorescent tubes.


Q. How many fundamentalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. THE BIBLE DOES *NOT* SAY *ANYTHING* ABOUT LIGHT BULBS!!!!


Q. How many agnostics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None. Agnostics question whether light bulbs really exist.


Q: How many pro-choicers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to do it and one to assert that the bulb didn't exist before it was lit up.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on March 06, 2005, 10:29:28 PM
Mangled measurements

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile perhour = Knotfurlong
7. 365.25 days of drinking low calorie beer = 1 Lite year
8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
11. Basic unit of laryngitis - 1 hoarsepower
12. Shortest distance between two jokes - a straight line
13. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
14. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
15. 1 million bicycles = 1 megacycles
16. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
17. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
18. 10 cards = 1 decacard
19. 52 cards = 1 deckacard
20. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 fig Newton
21. 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen
22. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
23. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
24. 10 rations = 1 decaration
25. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
26. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
27. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
28. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical
tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 I.V. League


Title: Signs - Real??
Post by: nChrist on April 22, 2005, 12:32:45 AM
Signs (Real??):

In an office:  "Toilet out of order - please use the floor below."

In a laundromat:  "Automatic washing machines: please remove all your clothes when the light goes out."

Notice in health food shop window:  "Closed due to illness."

In a safari park:  "Elephants please stay in your car."

In an office complex:  "For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the 1st floor."

In a farmer's field:  "The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges."



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on April 22, 2005, 01:43:52 AM
A state trooper sees a vehicle on the interstate doing 33 miles an hour and pulls the car to make sure everything is all right. When he approaches the driver he discovers that it is a nun.
"Excuse me, sister. But are you alright ?" He asked.
She replies, "Oh, yes officer. We're just fine. Was I doing something wrong?"
The officer says, "Well sister, you were traveling way under the speed limit and I was concerned that you might be having car trouble or something."
"But officer", the nun interrupts, "I saw a sign there about a mile back that said 33, and I know I wasn't going any faster than that."
Chuckling, the trooper says, "Sister, that was a state highway route marker, this is State Route 33, not the speed limit. The speed limit signs have a MPH at the bottom."
"Oh, now don't I feel foolish!", replied the nun turning red.
"That's ok, but please try to be more careful, I would hate to see you get hurt", finished the officer. Then as he turns to say good-bye to the nuns in the back seat, he notices for the first time that they are trembling violently and quite pale.
"Sister, what is wrong with your friends? Can I escort you to a hospital ?"
"Oh, no, they're all right. We just turned off of Route 150."
_________________________________________________

 Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort - one that did not admit Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full."
The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies."
The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..."
Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said, "I'll have you know I converted to your religion."
The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?"
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem."
"Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."
"That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?"
Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on April 22, 2005, 01:46:34 AM
In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit's end trying to control them.

Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys.

The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest.

The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"

The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.

Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"

Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?"

The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We are in BIIIIG trouble."

The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?"

His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."
_______________________________________________

A very religious woman went into the local pet shop to buy a parrot for company. She selected a beautiful bird, but the pet store owner said he didn't think she'd be happy with this particular parrot because he had belonged to a salty old sailor who used very bad language.

She replied that she knew with love and care she could break the bird of his bad habits and have a wonderful companion.

Well, the bird was not to be broken of his blue language and the woman had to hide him in the spare bedroom every time she had visitors. Finally, in desperation she told the bird she was going to put him in the freezer for 10 minutes every time he used bad language. Sure enough in just a couple of minutes the bird let out a string of obcenities. She put him in the freezer with him hollering and yelling his head off. After just a minute or two it got very quiet.....afraid that something bad had happened to the bird, she opened the door.

Out stepped the parrot, shivering and most pleasantly and politely he said "excuse my prior behavior, madam. I regret any dismay I may have caused you and promise never to use improper language again." Well, the woman was thrilled to hear these promises and was about to say so when the bird interrupted to say "by the way, madam, what's the chicken in for?"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on April 22, 2005, 01:49:34 AM
There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.
After a while he turned to her and asked "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied "Of course I do it is the Bible."
He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"
She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible."
He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The lady said "Well I don't really know I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him." Replied the lady.
________________________________________________

"A Little Mouse At The Pearly Gates"

A little mouse died and went to the Pearly Gates where St. Peter met him and invited to come in, but the mouse told him he wanted to look around first. St Peter said that was okay with him. After looking around the mouse approached St. Peter and told him he would like to stay but it is too big there and he would get tired running around all day. St. Peter thought for awhile and said he had just the thing for him, a pair of roller skates so the mouse decided to stay. Soon a cat died and went to the Pearly Gates where St. Peter met him and invited him in also, the cat wanted to look around too. After spotting the mouse on roller skates the cat said, "Boy oh boy, you have meals on wheels I will stay."
__________________________________________________

Adam & Eve had the perfect marriage.
He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married and she didn't have to hear about how well his mother cooked!


Title: Genius Rednecks
Post by: nChrist on April 22, 2005, 02:26:00 AM
 ;D   ;D  Thanks Dreamweaver - I needed those laughs.

How about this one?
___________________

(Who says rednecks aren't real bright?)

"Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes, what can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor, Virgil Smith. He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

The phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday buddy!!!"



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Bronzesnake on April 22, 2005, 07:12:19 AM
 That's hillarious Tom!!! ;D

 Bronzesnake


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on April 22, 2005, 01:34:04 PM
12 Fun and Funny Things To Do In An Elevator!

1) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

2) Whistle the first seven notes of  "It's A Small World" incessantly.

3) Sell Girl Scout cookies.

4) Offer nametags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

5) Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

6) Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce "I've got new socks on!"

7) Meow occasionally and sniff the other passengers.

8) Bet the other passengers you can fit your whole fist in your mouth.

9) Start a "Row Row Row Your Boat" sing-along.

10) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and inform the other passengers that this is your "personal space".

11. After the doors close announce, "We're all gonna die!!!" walk to the corner and curl up in a ball.

12. Press all the buttons and step out just before the doors close. now this one, i've done. ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Soldier4Christ on April 22, 2005, 02:05:49 PM
LOL! That sounds just like my oldest son. Age 25 and he still pulls things just like that.



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Bronzesnake on April 22, 2005, 02:38:05 PM
 OK, all blond ladies please do not read any further!  :P

A brunette, a red head, and a blond are all slated to be executed. Each has chosen to be shot to death.

 As the brunette steps up to the pole, she is asked if she has any final words. She places an index finger on her lower lip for a moment, suddenly her eyes light up, then she quickly lowers her hand and yells "TORNADO!" everyone takes cover, and she runs away to freedom.

 As the red head steps up to the pole, she is asked if she has any final words. She places an index finger on her lower lip for a moment, suddenly her eyes light up, then she quickly lowers her hand and yells "EARTHQUAKE!" again, everyone takes cover, and she runs away to freedom.

 As the blonde steps up to the pole, she is asked if she has any final statements. She places an index finger on her lower lip for a moment, suddenly her eyes light up, then she quickly lowers her hand and yells "FIRE!"  :P

Bronzesnake

 


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on April 22, 2005, 03:45:55 PM
Bronzesnake,

 ;D   ;D

I'm getting read to go to my in-laws and see my grandsons. The in-laws have a blond daughter.

SHOULD I???? - YEP!!!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: 2nd Timothy on April 24, 2005, 09:30:35 AM
The CIA are interviewing people to be secret assassins.   A married couple come in and are placed in separate rooms.

The agent hands a pistol to the man and says that he is to go into the next room and shoot his wife.   He goes in, and after several minutes returns to the agent and says, "I can't do it".

The agent then goes to the woman, gives her the pistol and tells her to go into the next room and shoot her husband.  She goes into the room, and the agent hears...bang, bang, bang......bang bang.....shuffle...scuffle...thump.

She comes out and says, "some idiot put blanks in the gun, I had to beat him to death with the pistol".   ;D




hint: she wasn't suppose to really kill him, just see if she was capable of it.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Bronzesnake on April 24, 2005, 12:46:02 PM
 A sewer worker questions his boss as to why he can't work on the telephone poles instead of the stinky sewers. His boss tells him it's because he's too stupid to work on the poles.

 The worker gets indignant and demands proof. His boss holds an open hand up directly in front of a telephone pole and tells the worker to punch his hand. As the worker throws his best punch, his boss quickly moves his hand, and the worker breaks his knuckles on the telephone pole. "See", said his boss, you're too stupid.

 The worker decends back down into the smelly sewer, and a co-worker asks him what the boss said. He explained to his friend that they were too stupid to work on the poles. His friend says - "ya, well you might be too stupid, but I'm not!" The worker chuckles, then holds an open hand in front of his own face, and says "punch my hand genius"  :P

Bronzesnake


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on April 25, 2005, 10:59:45 PM
 ;D   ;D  Good ones. Now for my groaner:
______________

Getting Older:

Getting older is like visiting an all-you-can-eat buffet. What should be hot is cold, what should be firm is limp, and the buns are bigger than anything else on the menu.  ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: JudgeNot on April 28, 2005, 11:39:50 AM
Daily Prayer:

Dear Lord-

I’m proud to say, so far today
I’ve got along all right;
I have not gossiped, whined or bragged,
Or had a single fight.

I haven’t lost my temper once,
Or criticized my mate,
I have not lied, I have not cried,
Or loudly cursed my fate.

So far today I’ve not one time
Been grumpy or morose,
I’ve not been spiteful, cold or vain,
Self-centered or verbose.

But, Lord, I’m going to need Your help
Throughout the hours ahead,
So give me strength, Dear Lord, for now
I’m getting out of bed.


John T. Baker
From Chicken Soup for the Golden Soul




Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: JudgeNot on April 29, 2005, 10:23:02 AM
On a tour of Pembrokeshire, the (late) Pope took a few days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off the shore.

A helpless man, wearing a English rugby shirt, was struggling  frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25 foot shark.

As the pope watched in horror, a speedboat pulled up with three  men wearing Welsh rugby shirts. One quickly fired a harpoon into  the shark's side while the other two reached out and pulled the limp semiconscious Englishman from the water. Then using the long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to him "I give you  my blessing for your brave actions. I heard that there were some  bitter hatreds between the Welsh and the English, but now I have  seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the pope drove off, the harpooner asked his pals, "Who was That?"  "It was the Pope" one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well" the harpooner said, "he may have access to God and his wisdom but he doesn't know anything about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up OK or do we need to get another one?"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on April 29, 2005, 11:58:10 PM
 ;D  I got it.  UG! - In fact, UG! UG!   ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: 2nd Timothy on April 30, 2005, 07:02:48 PM
On a tour of Pembrokeshire, the (late) Pope took a few days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off the shore.

A helpless man, wearing a English rugby shirt, was struggling  frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25 foot shark.

As the pope watched in horror, a speedboat pulled up with three  men wearing Welsh rugby shirts. One quickly fired a harpoon into  the shark's side while the other two reached out and pulled the limp semiconscious Englishman from the water. Then using the long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to him "I give you  my blessing for your brave actions. I heard that there were some  bitter hatreds between the Welsh and the English, but now I have  seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the pope drove off, the harpooner asked his pals, "Who was That?"  "It was the Pope" one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well" the harpooner said, "he may have access to God and his wisdom but he doesn't know anything about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up OK or do we need to get another one?"

(http://www.rr-bb.com/images/smilies/lol.gif)


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: JudgeNot on May 04, 2005, 10:59:50 AM
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

 

 

 

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: 2nd Timothy on May 04, 2005, 01:37:23 PM
(http://www.rr-bb.com/images/smilies/drum.gif)

::groan::   ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Tibby on May 04, 2005, 01:50:04 PM
No! Bad! I think a joke like that is gounds for banning! :P ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 04, 2005, 01:54:16 PM
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
::)


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 04, 2005, 11:30:09 PM
 ;D   ;D   Nuk! Nuk! - I get it - POETRY! - Sointonwy!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: 2nd Timothy on May 05, 2005, 08:48:50 AM
RELIGIOUS DOG
 

A Baptist  preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog.  Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist.  

They visited kennel after kennel and explained their  needs.

 

Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted.

 

The owner brought the  dog to meet the pastor and his wife. "Fetch the Bible," he commanded.  The  dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and  brought it to the owner.

 

"Now find Psalm 23," he commanded.

 

The dog dropped the Bible to the floor, and showing marvelous  dexterity with his paws, leafed through and finding the correct passage, pointed to it with his paw.

 

The pastor and his wife  were very impressed and purchased the dog. That evening, a group  of church members came to visit.

 

The pastor and his wife began to show off the  dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were very  impressed.

 

One man asked, "Can he do regular dog tricks, too?"

 

"I haven't tried yet,"  the pastor replied.  He pointed his finger at the dog.

"HEEL!" the  pastor commanded.

 

The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw on  the pastor's forehead and began to howl.  The pastor  looked at his wife in shock and said,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Good Grief!  He's Pentecostal!"   :D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Reba on May 05, 2005, 09:25:13 AM
2 Tim

that is a hoot... I wish my Dad was alive he would be rolling  thanks  :D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 05, 2005, 02:43:37 PM
2T, thats great!!!!!! howllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll  ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: 2nd Timothy on May 06, 2005, 05:24:21 PM
Glad you guys liked it.....I thought it was funny too, and I come from Penticostal background....lol


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 07, 2005, 02:56:23 AM
Just a groaner, before i head off to bed.

The Guys' Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. I must admit, it's pretty good. We always hear"the rules" from the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!  Please note...these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon, or the changing of the tides.  Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. ;D

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Bob


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 07, 2005, 01:39:41 PM
Dreamweaver,

 ;D   ;D  Thanks brother - I needed that laugh.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 09, 2005, 07:32:50 AM
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

(Small Print:  Do I need to run or hide?)   :D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: 2nd Timothy on May 09, 2005, 09:06:45 AM
LOL

Quote
Do I need to run or hide?

If its your leaf, a resounding yes is in order!   :D   (http://www.rr-bb.com/images/smilies/fear.gif)


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: JudgeNot on May 09, 2005, 11:21:35 AM
Quote
If its your leaf, a resounding yes is in order!


Gen 3:8
And they heard the voice of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam Mr BEP and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God amongst the trees of the garden.

Hide BEP, hide!   :D  :D  :D

(Covering your tracks is futile... wait - I'm being redundant.)  ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 09, 2005, 11:35:18 AM
Quote
If its your leaf, a resounding yes is in order!


Gen 3:8
And they heard the voice of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam Mr BEP and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God amongst the trees of the garden.

Hide BEP, hide!   :D  :D  :D

(Covering your tracks is futile... wait - I'm being redundant.)  ;D
LOL!!!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 10, 2005, 05:45:16 AM
Yes, being over 50 does have its advantages...

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.

4. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 p.m.

9. You have developed a taste for prune juice.

10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

11. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

15. You sing along with the elevator music.

16. Your eyes won't get much worse.

17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.

19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

21. You can't remember who sent you this.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 10, 2005, 05:58:50 AM
Questions and Answers

Q. Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A. He's all right now.

Q. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.

Q. Where do you find a no legged dog?
A. Right where you left him.

Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. They're trying to get away from the noise.

Q. How do you double the value of a Geo Metro?
A. Fill it with gas.

Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. Why do chicken coops have two doors?
A. Because if it had four doors it's be a chicken sedan.

Q. Did you hear about the new "divorced" Barbie doll that they're selling in stores now?
A. It comes with all of Ken's stuff.

Q. What's a hindu?
A. Lays eggs.

Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
A. About two - if they're thinly sliced.

Q. Did you hear about the blind man who went bungee jumping?
A. He loved it, but it sure did scare his dog.

Q. Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A. Because they taste funny.

Q. What do your boss and a slinky have in common?
A. They're both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 10, 2005, 06:03:26 AM
Here are some ways to really annoy people big time...

Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip..."

If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.

Speak only in a "robot" voice.

Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announcing its your property.

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

Name your dog "Dog".

Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".

Reply to everything someone says with "That's what YOU think!"

Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".

Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

Practice making fax and modem noises.

Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to your boss.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid looking ignorant.

Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person".

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.

To really annoy people, stand on a street corner, pointing a hair drier at passing traffic, and watch it slow down.

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Take a sock puppet to dinner with you. When the waiter comes to ask you what you want, consult the sock. When the check comes argue with the sock loud enough so everyone can hear you about who will pay the bill, throw him down and say "Fine you pay!" then leave.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 10, 2005, 06:17:46 AM
Fun In The Mall

Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.

Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson how they look.

At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"

Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.

Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.

Wear pancake makeup and new clothes, pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.

If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.

Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the "hidden picture".

Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone.

At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them.

Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.

Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.

Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say "Domino's."

Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back trimmed.

Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether they've seen this man."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 10, 2005, 06:27:15 AM
Fun While Driving

At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.

Two words: Chicken suit.

Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.

Pass cars, then drive very slowly.

Honk frequently without motivation.

Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look.

Get in the fast lane and gradually...slow...down... to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars.

(OK - Groan)


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 10, 2005, 06:33:40 AM
The Warning Signs of Insanity...

Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.

You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.

You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbour for setting fire to his lawn decorations.

People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.

Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.

You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.

You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.

You collect dead windowsill flies.

Every time the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"

You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island because they weren't rescued.

You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.

Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.

Melba toast excites you.

You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.

You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)

People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.

You keep thinking this is the year for the Red Sox.

You despise the voices in your head, especially the one that speaks only Hindi.

You see migrating flocks of ducks in the fall and only your attachment to the toaster keeps you from joining them.

The person you always talk to is invisible to everyone but you.

You like reading lists like this.

(Groan??)


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Sweden on May 14, 2005, 11:06:49 AM
where do u find all these long lists of jokes? lol


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 15, 2005, 01:02:54 PM
where do u find all these long lists of jokes? lol
some are e-mail, to members. Some are found on the inter-net.

Bob
_________________________________________________

An urgent plea for help

With the Christmas season approaching, please look into your Heart to help those in need.

Hundreds of National Basketball Association basketball players in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level (Atrocious!) And, as if that weren't bad enough, they will be deprived of pay for several weeks--possibly a whole year--as a result of the current lockout situation. But now, you can help!

For only $20,835 a month, about $694.50 a day (that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help a basketball player remain economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem, as it barely covers the yearly league minimum, ...but it's a start!

Almost $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a basketball player it could mean the difference between a vacation spent golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, seven hundred dollars is nothing more than two months rent or mortgage payments. But to a basketball player, $700 will almost replace his daily salary.

Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.

HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?

Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. You'll also get information on how he plans to invest the $5 million lump sum he will receive upon retirement. Plus upon signing up for this program, you will receive a photo of the player (unsigned-for a signed photo, please include an additional $50.00).

Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering.

HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING?

Your basketball player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses.

YES, I WANT TO HELP!

I would like to sponsor a striking NBA basketball player. My preference is checked below:

[ ] Starter
[ ] Reserve
[ ] Star (Higher cost)
[ ] Superstar (Much higher cost)
[ ] Entire team (Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a specific team (Cheerleaders not included).
[ ] I'll sponsor a player most in need. Please select one for me.

Please charge the account listed below $694.50 per day for a reserve player or starter for the duration of the strike. Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with a team logo and my very own NBA Players Association badge to wear proudly on my lapel.

Your Name:

Telephone Number:

Account Number: Exp.Date: [ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Discover
Signature:

Mail completed form to NBA Players Association or call 1-900-2MUCH now to enroll by phone.

Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the player they have sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not limited to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties.

Keep in mind that the basketball player you have sponsored will be much too busy enjoying his free time, thanks to your generous donations.

Contributions are not tax-deductible.
__________________________________________________
My groaner, for the day.
Bob


Title: "The Rules" From The Male Side!
Post by: nChrist on May 15, 2005, 05:06:27 PM
 ;D   ;D

_____________________

"The Rules" From The Male Side!

We always hear "the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl.
If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = Sports.
It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want...
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. YES and NO are perfectly acceptable answers
to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls,
don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of
the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say
whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach,for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing,"
we will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere,
absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight,
but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on May 15, 2005, 05:53:25 PM
(http://www.sirinet.net/~blkidps/gorilla.jpg)

 ;D  

We're all in our places,
With sun-shiny faces,
So this is the way,
To start the new day.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 18, 2005, 03:50:38 AM
(http://www.sirinet.net/~blkidps/gorilla.jpg)

 ;D  

We're all in our places,
With sun-shiny faces,
So this is the way,
To start the new day.
Brother, I have never seen you look so good. Bob is now in hiding. :D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 18, 2005, 03:51:06 AM
Now a few groaners. ;D

Recently a Ft. Lauderdale advertising agency launched a billboard (including the inside and outside of buses) that included 17 different messages from God.

This non-denominational campaign started in September. It was sponsored by an anonymous client. I think some of the messages are quite humorous:

1. Let's Meet At My House Sunday Before the Game - God
2. C'mon Over And Bring The Kids - God
3. What Part of "Thou Shalt Not..." Didn't You Understand? - God
4. We Need To Talk - God
5. Keep Using My Name in Vain And I'll Make Rush Hour Longer! - God
6. Loved The Wedding, Invite Me To The Marriage - God
7. That "Love Thy Neighbour" Thing, I Meant It. - God
8. I Love You...I Love You...I Love You... - God
9. Will The Road You're On Get You To My Place? - God
10. Follow Me. - God
11. Big Bang Theory? You've Got To Be Kidding. - God
12. My Way Is The Highway. - God
13. Need Directions? - God
14. You Think It's Hot Here? - God
15. Tell The Kids I Love Them. - God
16. Need a Marriage Counselor? I'm Available. - God
17. Have You Read My #1 Best Seller? There Will Be A Test! - God
___________________________________________________

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 18, 2005, 03:53:18 AM
Things you never hear in church..............
1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.
2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
6. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he/she can live like we do.
7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
8. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
11. I couldn't find space to park outside. Praise God!
_________________________________________________

Mahatma Gandhi was quite a spiritual person. He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard.

Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he didn't eat much. Over time he became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he wound up with very bad breath. Therefore he came to be known as a.....

"Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."
____________________________________________________

A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who had just passed away.

At the end of the Service, the pall-bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies.

A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "AND WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!"


Title: Bumper Stickers
Post by: nChrist on May 21, 2005, 12:11:25 PM
(Front Bumper) If you can read this, I didn't hit you hard enough.
0-60 in 15 minutes!
100% Irony Free
186,000 Miles/Second: It’s Not Just A Good Idea, It’s The Law!
3 kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
7 days without Jesus makes one weak.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
Adults are just kids with money.
Age is a high price to pay for maturity.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
All men are idiots, and I married their king.
All stressed out and nobody to choke!
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
Are you following Jesus this close?
As Long As There Are Tests, There Will Be Prayer In Public Schools.
Ask me about micro waving cats for fun and profit.
Ask me about my vow of silence.
Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. - Dorothy
Ax Me About Ebonics
Back Up My Hard Drive? How Do I Put It In Reverse?
BAD COP! - NO DONUT!!!
Be Human.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He will clean them.
Beam me up Jesus.
Before giving someone a piece of mind be sure you have enough to spare!
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
Boldly Going Nowhere.
BOMB SQUAD: If you see me running you better catch up!
Boycott shampoo, demand real poo instead.
Buckle up... it makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car.


Title: More Bumper Stickers
Post by: nChrist on May 21, 2005, 12:18:19 PM
Can't Feed 'Em! Don't Breed Em'!
CAUTION! I drive like you do!
Caution: I brake for no apparent reason.
CAUTION: This car will be left behind during rapture.
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
Cole’s Law: Thinly Sliced Cabbage
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
Confucius say "Man who stands on toilet is high on pot."
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Diplomacy Is Saying “Nice Doggy” Until You Find A Rock.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
Disappointed? Too bad!
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.
Do not play a leap frog with a unicorn.
Do Vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Doctor's say I have a multiple personality, but we don't agree with that.
Does The Name Pavlov Ring A Bell?
Don't Follow me - I am LOST!!!
Don't laugh it's paid for.
Don't make me go medieval on you.
Don't miss heaven for the world.
Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it!
Don't steal, the government hates competition.
Don't worry about life; you're not going to survive it, anyway.
Don't make me mad! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Driver carries less than $20 IN AMMUNITION..
Due to budget cuts, light at end of tunnel will be out.
Dyslexics Have More Fnu.
Dyslexics of the world, untie!
E. coli Happens.
Each day is a gift.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Energizer Bunny Arrested; Charged With Battery.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: peh on May 21, 2005, 12:37:43 PM
Here's some I got in an e-mail.  thought some of them were pretty funny and some that just make you think.

CHRISTIAN ONE LINERS:

"Don't let your worries get the best of you, remember, Moses started out as a basket case"

Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited - until you test their favorite doctrine.

Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.

It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.  (I would have said roaches but this will do)

When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.

People are funny in that they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.

Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.

Quit griping about your church; if it were perfect, you couldn't belong.

If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.

God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?

Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

Peace starts with a smile.

I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?

A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.

We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.

Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.

Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

Don't put a question mark where God put a period.

Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.

Forbidden fruits create many jams.

God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

God grades on the cross, not the curve.

God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"

God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

He who angers you, controls you!

If God is your Copilot - swap seats!

Prayer: Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!

The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.

The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.

We don't change the message, the message changes us.

You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.

The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on May 22, 2005, 04:35:20 AM
God the Parent

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam asked.

"Don't eat the Forbidden Fruit." God replied.

"Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit?

Hey, Eve..we got Forbidden Fruit!"

"No way!"

"Where?"

"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the 'First Parent' asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"

"I dunno," Eve answered.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"DID so!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own...thus the pattern was set, and it has never changed.

Okay, so it is a groaner......... :D


Title: Bumper Stickers
Post by: nChrist on May 24, 2005, 02:37:19 PM
 ;D
______________________

Eternity: Smoking or Non-Smoking?
Ever Stop To Think And Forget To Start Again?
Every silver lining has a cloud.
Everybody looks brave holding a machine gun.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Everything Is Somewhere.
Everything i need to know i learned in prison.
Everything is on loan from the government until you can't pay your taxes.
Everything is possible just not too probable.
Everytime you speak you make someone dumber for listening to you.
FLORIDA: If you think we can't vote, wait till you see us drive.
FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, And Revote.
FLORIDA: We count more than you do.
FLORIDA: We're number one! Wait! Recount!
FLORIDA: Where your vote counts and counts and counts.
Fat people are hard to kidnap.
Few women admit their age, few men act it.
First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, and then the suffering...
For him to get an idea, it would be a surgical process.
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
Forget about World Peace...Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
God does not call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
God made Adam and Eve NOT Adam and Steve.
God must love stupid people...he made so many!
Graduate quickly, millions on welfare depend on you.
Gravity always gets me down.
Gravity- It’s not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
Grow Your Own Dope, Plant A Man.
Growing old is inevitable...Growing up is optional.
Gun control is a steady hand.
Guns don't kill people. Postal workers do.
Have a nice day... somewhere else.
Have you slapped an environmentalist today?
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Help Stamp Out And Eradicate Superfluous Redundancy.
Help starve a feeding bureaucrat.
He’s Not Dead, He’s Electroencephalographically-Challenged.
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
House Guarded By Shotgun 3 Days A Week. Guess Which Days.
How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost?
How may I ignore you today?
Humpty-Dumpty was pushed!
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
I Got A Gun For My Wife; Best Trade I Ever Made.
I Know What You’re Thinking And You Should Be Ashamed Of Yourself.
I LIKE CATS! They taste like chicken.
I Took An IQ Test And The Results Were Negative.
I Used To Have A Handle On Life, But It Broke.
I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend On Me
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I brake for no apparent reason.
I brake for…wait…AAAH!…NO BRAKES!!!!!
I can handle pain until it hurts.
I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day and tomorrow doesn't look good either.


Title: Bumper Stickers
Post by: nChrist on May 24, 2005, 02:40:09 PM
I can resist everything except temptation.
I can't go to work today. The voices told me to stay home and clean the guns.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I don't do mornings.
I don't do requests.
I don't drive fast - I fly low.
I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
I don't have a license to kill, I have a learner's permit.
I don't know, I don't care, and it doesn't make any difference.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it!
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I fish! Therefore, I lie.
I got this car for my wife...not a bad trade.
I hate bumper stickers!
I have PMS and a handgun. Any Questions??
I have always been crazy, but it kept me from going insane.
I have an attitude and I'm not afraid to use it.
I hear you lost your cat? Check under my tire.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
I just filled up my car with gasoline. Now it's worth $50.00
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
I laughed my rear off and I had a few inches to spare. Thanks!!
I left the womb for this?
I love to give homemade gifts, which one of my kids do you want?
I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!.
I may be slow; but I'm ahead of you.
I miss my wife, but my aim is getting better.
I owe, I owe, so it's off to work I go.
I press charges.
I pretend to work they pretend to pay me!
I put in contacts for this?
I think your hard drive has a slipped disk.
I think, therefore I'm dangerous.
I took a pain pill. Why are you still here?
I tried being normal once . . .I didn't like it.
I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure...
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I used up all my sick days so I called in dead!
I wish I lived in New York, so I could have Voted Against Hilary!
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I'd love to trade caller I.D. for "Caller I.Q."
I'm against ABORTION because I was once a fetus.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth!
I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
I'm back by popular demand.
I'm not as dumb as you look.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
I'm objective; I object to everything.
I'm only a hypochondriac when I feel sick.
I'm only driving this way to make you angry.
I'm only here to ANNOY!!


Title: Bumper Stickers
Post by: nChrist on May 24, 2005, 02:42:45 PM
I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
I'm serious; it was a joke.
I'm the kind of person my parents want me to stay away from.
I've given up trying to escape from reality; they always find me anyway.
I've lowered my expectations to the point where they've already been met.
IF THIS STICKER IS GETTING SMALLER, THE LIGHT IS PROBABLY GREEN.
IRS: We’ve Got What It Takes To Take What You’ve Got.
If At First You Don't Succeed ... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
If God intended man to smoke, He would have set him on fire.
If It Ain’t Broken... Fix It ‘Til It Is
If We All Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving ain't for you.
If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
If it doesn't fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.
If it isn't broken...fix it until it is!
If it weren't for people like you, nobody else would have an above average IQ.
If it's tourist season, does that mean we can shoot them?
If my car were a horse, I'd have to shoot it.
If something goes without saying - LET IT!
If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
If you can read this I can deploy your air bag!!!
If you can read this you're in range.
If you can read this, I am parked.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
If you can read this. thank a teacher.
If you don't like my attitude, stop looking at my stickers!
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.
If you feel attacked by feminism, it's probably a counter attack.
If you have something to say, raise your hand. and place it over your mouth.
If you understand something today, it must be obsolete.
If your ship hasn't come in...Swim out to it!
If your stupid and you know it honk your horn.
Illiterate? Write For Free Help
Im not tailgating im just tring to keep my bumper on.
In God we trust; all others must pay cash.
Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your kids!
It Is As Bad As You Think, And They Are Out To Get You.
It takes a Viking to raze a village.
It takes more faith to believe that I came from a monkey than to believe that I came from God.
It took 40 years to make me look this good.
It's all a pigment of your hallucination.
It's time to pull over and let the air out of your brain.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: JudgeNot on June 09, 2005, 09:47:33 AM
Subject:  Dust

"Dear Lord," the pastor began, with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face,
"without you we are but dust..."

He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice,

"Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"

Church was pretty much over at that point.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Soldier4Christ on June 09, 2005, 10:27:06 AM
Subject:  Dust

"Dear Lord," the pastor began, with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face,
"without you we are but dust..."

He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice,

"Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"

Church was pretty much over at that point.

Out of the mouths of babes and so appropriately said.



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: JudgeNot on July 03, 2005, 11:35:58 AM
(http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/uc/20050703/stmsho050703.gif)


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on July 03, 2005, 07:36:06 PM
 ;D   ;D  Thanks Brother Jim - I needed that laugh.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Jimbo on July 25, 2005, 12:54:15 PM
This may be old but my wife and I think its funny


An Atheist was taking a walk through the woods.
 
 What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he
 said to himself.  As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a
rustling in the bushes behind him.  He turned to look.  He saw a 7 foot
 grizzly bear charge towards him.   He ran as fast as he could up the
 path.  He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in
on him.   He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even
 closer. He tripped and fell on the ground.   He rolled over to pick
himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with
 his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.   At that instant
the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."
 Time stopped.  The bear froze.  The forest was silent.  As a bright
 light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my
 existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even
 credit creation to a cosmic accident.   Do you expect me to help you out
 of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
 
 The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of
 me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could
 you make the BEAR a Christian?"
 "Very well," said the voice.

 The light went out.  The sounds of the forest resumed.   And then the
 bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his
 head and spoke:  "Lord, bless this food, which I am about  to receive
 from thy bounty through Christ our Lord.  Amen


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on July 26, 2005, 06:03:44 AM
 ;D   ;D  Thanks - I needed that laugh. I have heard this one, but it's been a very long time. It's a keeper and a classic.

I see this is your first post on Christians Unite, so WELCOME!! I sincerely hope that you enjoy the fellowship here.

(http://www.sirinet.net/~blkidps/welcome.gif)

Jimbo, we've got a really interesting mixture of sweet and nice Christians here. Jump in and have some fun.

Love In Christ,
Tom

John 10:7-11 ASV  Jesus therefore said unto them again, Verily, verily, I say unto you, I am the door of the sheep.  All that came before me are thieves and robbers: but the sheep did not hear them.  I am the door; by me if any man enter in, he shall be saved, and shall go in and go out, and shall find pasture.  The thief cometh not, but that he may steal, and kill, and destroy: I came that they may have life, and may have it abundantly.  I am the good shepherd: the good shepherd layeth down his life for the sheep.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Jimbo on July 26, 2005, 01:21:56 PM
I plan on it, thank you for the warm welcome.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: JudgeNot on July 27, 2005, 11:03:51 AM
Let me apologize in advance to Brother BEP (and others) for this 'richly humorous' yarn.
 ;D

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days.
(Of course, we know God is never missing, but this is a story)…
Eventually, Michael, the Archangel, found him resting on the seventh day.
He inquires of God, “Where have you been?”
God loosed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downward through the clouds. “Look, Michael, look what I've made.”
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, “What is it?”
“It's a planet,” replied God, “and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.”
“Balance?” inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of the earth, “For example, Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while Africa is going to be poor. The Middle East over there will be a hot spot,” God continued, pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot and while this one will be very cold and covered with ice.”
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass with an ocean as its southern border and said, “What's that one?”
“Ah,” said God, “that's Texas, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful beaches, rivers, lakes, and climate.  The people from Texas are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, and high achieving people and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace.”
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then exclaimed, “What about balance, God? You said there would be balance! Everyone and everything seems so totally perfect in this place you call Texas!”
God replied wisely:




“Wait until you see the people I'm sending down from Oklahoma on vacation every summer!"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on July 27, 2005, 09:56:56 PM
 ;D   ;D   ;D   Thanks Brother Jim - I needed that laugh!

I won't try to get revenge since I have family all over Texas. Parts of Texas are gorgeous, so we'll be content in letting Texas remain a territory of Oklahoma.  ;D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 27, 2005, 10:13:34 PM
More bumper stickers.

3 Kinds Of People: Those Who Can Count & Those Who Can't

A Day Without Sunshine Is Like... Night!

A Flashlight Is A Case For Holding Dead Batteries

A Flying Saucer Results When A Nudist Spills His Coffee

According To My Calculations, The Problem Doesn't Exist

Adult Child Of Alien Invaders

Alcohol And Calculus Don't Mix - Never Drink And Derive

All Generalizations Are False

All Those Who Believe In Psychokinesis Raise My Hand

Always Remember You're Unique, Just Like Everyone Else

Am I Ambivalent? Well, Yes And No

Are We Having Fun Yet?

Bad Cop - No Donut[/b] - just for you Tom  ;D

Be Kind To Animals - Hug A Hockey Player

Beam Me Up Scotty, There Are No Intellenge Life

Beam Me Up Scotty, There's No Intelligent Life Down Here

Beam Me Up Scotty, This Planet Sucks!

Beam Me Up, Scotty!

Before They Invented Drawing Boards, What Did They Go Back To?

Boycott Shampoo! Demand The Real Poo!

Bumper Sticker!

Can Vegetarians Eat Animal Crackers?

Can You Be A Closet Claustrophobic?

Caution: Attack Cat On Duty!

Celebrate Perversity

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

Clones Are People Two
 
Come Out, Come Out Wherever You Are

Copywight 1999 Elmer Fudd. All Wights Wesewved

Corduroy Pillows Make Headlines!

Dare To Keep Cops Off Donuts!

Deja Moo: The Feeling That You've Heard This Stuff Before

A Department Of Redundancy Department

Disinformation Is Not As Good As Datinformation

Do Cemetery Workers Prefer The Graveyard Shift?

Do Hungry Crows Have Ravenous Appetites?

Do Pediatricians Play Miniature Golf On Wednesdays?

Does Fuzzy Logic Tickle?

Does The Name Pavlov Ring A Bell?

Does Your Train Of Thought Have A Caboose

Don't Blame Me, I'm From Mars

Don't Forget Winona...

Don't Squat With Your Spurs On

Don't Use A Big Word Where A Diminutive One Will Suffice


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on July 27, 2005, 10:25:15 PM
Energizer Bunny Arrested, Charged With Battery

Even Though This Is A Stupid Sticker, You're Squinting To Read It

Ever Stop To Think, And Forget To Start Again?

Everybody Repeat After Me: We Are All Individuals

First Things First, But Not Necessarily In That Order

For People Who Like Peace And Quiet: A Phoneless Cord

Give Me Ambiguity Or Give Me Something Else

Gravity: It's Not Just A Good Idea, It's The Law

He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest

Headline: Bear Takes Over Disneyland In Pooh D'etat!

Help Stamp Out And Eradicate Superfluous Redundancy

Help Wanted: Telepath - You Know Where To Apply

Honk If You Love Peace And Quiet

How Do I Set A Laser Printer To Stun?

How Do They Get The Deer To Cross At That Yellow Road Sign?

How Do You Tell When You Run Out Of Invisible Ink?

I Always Wanted To Be A Procrastinator, But I Never Got Around To It

I Am Having An Out Of Money Experience

I Don't Have A Solution But I Admire The Problem

I Don't Know Jack, But I Met Diddly Squat

I Don't Mind Going Nowhere As Long As It's An Interesting Path

I Plan To Be Spontaneous Tomorrow

I Poured Spot Remover On My Dog And Now He's Gone

I Smile Because I Have Absolutely No Idea What's Going On

I Think You Left The Stove On

I Tried Sniffing Coke Once, But The Ice Cubes Got Stuck In My Nose

I Used To Think I Was Indecisive, But Now I'm Not Sure

I Was Seduced By The Chocolate Side Of The Force - for Pastor Roger, and Beeps.

I Wonder How Much Deeper The Ocean Would Be Without Sponges

I'd Kill For A Nobel Peace Prize

If A Book About Failures Doesn't Sell, Is It A Success?

If A Mute Swears, Does His Mother Wash His Hands With Soap?

If A Parsley Farmer Is Sued, Can They Garnish His Wages?

If A Stealth Bomber Crashes In A Forest, Will It Make A Sound?

If A Turtle Doesn't Have A Shell, Is He Homeless Or Naked?

If All The World Is A Stage, Where Is The Audience Sitting?

If At First You Do Succeed, Try Not To Look Astonished!

If At First You Don't Succeed, Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling

If At First You Don't Succeed, Destroy All Evidence That You Tried

If At First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Is Not For You

If Marriage Were Outlawed, Only Outlaws Would Have In-Laws

If One Synchronized Swimmer Drowns, Do The Rest Have To Drown Too?

If Someone With Multiple Personalities Threatens To Kill Himself, Is It Considered A Hostage Situation?

If Stupidity Got Us Into This Mess, Then Why Can't It Get Us Out?

If The #2 Pencil Is The Most Popular, Why Is It Still #2?

If The Cops Arrest A Mime, Do They Tell Him He Has The Right To Remain Silent?  ;D

If The Funeral Procession Is At Night, Do Folks Drive With Their Lights Off?

If The Police Arrest A Mute, Do They Tell Him He Has The Right To Remain Silent?  ;D

If You Ate Pasta And Antipasta, Would You Still Be Hungry?

If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over [Put This Upside Down!]

If You Lived In Your Car, You'd Be Home By Now

If You Try To Fail, And Succeed, Which Have You Done?

If You're Cross-Eyed And Have Dyslexia, Can You Read All Right?

If You're Gonna Be A Turd, Go Lay In The Yard

I'm A Few Beers Short Of A Six-Pack

I'm A Few Clowns Short Of A Circus

I'm A Few Feathers Short Of A Whole Duck

I'm A Few Fries Short Of A Happy Meal

I'm A Few Peas Short Of A Casserole

I'm An Experiment In Artificial Stupidity

I'm From Minnesota, Where We Have All Four Seasons... Winter, Winter, Winter, And Aug 15

I'm Missing A Few Buttons On My Remote Control

I'm Not A Complete Idiot - Some Parts Are Missing

I'm One Fruit Loop Shy Of A Full Bowl

I'm One Taco Short Of A Combination Plate

I'm Pro Lifejacket And I Boat

I'm Tired Of All This Nonsense About Beauty Being Only Skin Deep. That's Deep Enough. What Do You Want, An Adorable Pancreas?

In Just Two Days, Tomorrow Will Be Yesterday

Indecision Is The Key To Flexibility

Is It Possible To Be Totally Partial?

Is There Another Word For Synonym?

It May Be That Your Sole Purpose In Life Is Simply To Serve As A Warning To Others


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on July 28, 2005, 06:21:42 AM
 ;D   ;D

Slow down some - I'm reloading.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on July 31, 2005, 08:16:07 PM
Groaners??

1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

5. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Doc says, "It's Not Unusual."

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

11. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

12. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

13. How come that blind guy's right leg is yellow? His dog is blind too.

14. Grasshopper goes into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, we've got a drink named after you!" The grasshopper says, "That's stupid. Who'd want a drink named Larry?"


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on July 31, 2005, 08:18:49 PM
Redneck Love Letter

Collards is green,
my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape
yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles
and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life more
than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,
these just won't do.
Cause yo're too special,
you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
More useful than diamonds...
it's a new troll'n motor!!

Author Unknown
[/b]



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on July 31, 2005, 08:21:38 PM
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber then buffalo.  Someone has stolen tent."

(My favorite today - ;D)


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: SelahJoy on July 31, 2005, 09:10:34 PM
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber then buffalo.  Someone has stolen tent."

(My favorite today - ;D)

I love it!   ;D

i "can't wait" to have a funny to add to this thread!  :D

selahjoy*


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Shammu on August 01, 2005, 04:50:28 PM
Remember the one about the guy standed in a flood?  He escaped to the roof of his house.  A man in a rowboat came by and asked if he could take the man to safety.   The man said, "No, I prayed to God to take care of me, and I trust that He will."  Then as the waters got higher, a military amphibious vehicle came by and ordered the guy to evacuate, but again he refused, saying, "No, I prayed to God to take care of me, and I trust that He will."  Then as the waters got higher, and the guy was standing on the top of his chimney, a news helicopter came by and begged him to climb up the rope to the safety of the helicopter.  But the man said, "No, I prayed to God to take care of me, and I trust that He will."  Then the waters rose higher, and the man drowned.  When he saw God, he asked God, "Why did you not save me!"  And God responded that He had sent the man in the rowboat, and the military amphibious vehicle, and finally the news helicopter.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: cris on August 01, 2005, 06:36:04 PM

These are ALL funny.  Loved them.  How a good laugh lightens up the day.  Thank you for posting them.


 
From Groucho Marxx:
I NEVER forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

.......................................................................... ..........


Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

.......................................................................... ..........

A theater owner found a wallet with no name and $700 in it.  He announced to the audience, "Will the person who lost $700 please form a double line at the box office?"

.......................................................................... ..........

A very wise schoolteacher sent a note to all parents on the first day of school:  "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says that happens at home."

.......................................................................... ..........

Jack's mother ran into the bedroom when she heard the boy scream.  She found Jack's 2-year old sister pulling the boy's hair.  She gently relaxed the little girl's grip and said comfortingly to Jack, "There, there.  She didn't mean it.  She doesn't know that hurts."  She was barely out of the room when the little girl screamed.  Rushing back in, she asked, "What happened?"
"She knows now," Jack replied.

.......................................................................... ..........



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: JudgeNot on August 08, 2005, 11:26:25 AM
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.
She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on August 08, 2005, 09:26:03 PM
 ;D   ;D

Cards You Will Never See In Hallmark:

"How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?"

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."

"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."

"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."

"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday ---so we're having you put to sleep."


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: cris on August 08, 2005, 09:38:40 PM


Those were good......................I'm ROFL.  I wouldn't be surprised to find these in greeting cards..............Hallmark might not do them though..................someone will.  I've read some cards very close to these.   I've wondered why anyone who dislikes someone that much, would go to the trouble to buy a card and stamp, though. ;D





Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: JudgeNot on August 11, 2005, 01:34:41 PM
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning"as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade.

On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.

Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

Kind Regards,
Mike Pashby


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: cris on August 11, 2005, 01:48:17 PM
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning"as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade.

On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.

Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

Kind Regards,
Mike Pashby


Dear Mr. Pashby,  

Thank you for the additional information for Block 3 of the accident report.

What happened next?



Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: Soldier4Christ on August 11, 2005, 08:54:00 PM
Quote
What happened next?

A class in Physics to go along with the lesson already received??




Title: Fun Things to Do in an Elevator
Post by: nChrist on August 22, 2005, 03:14:31 PM
Fun Things to Do in an Elevator  ;D  ;D

Tell one of the other passengers that you're sorry, but you're going to have to let him go.

Wave hands wildly at invisible flies buzzing around your head.

Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

Shave.

Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral".

On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now... motion sickness!"

Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"

Sing along with the Muzak.

Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

Leave a box between the doors.

Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

Start a sing-along.

When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your personal space.

Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it. quick!" then whistle innocently.


Title: Gifts and Toys You'll Never See
Post by: nChrist on August 22, 2005, 03:21:02 PM
Gifts and Toys You'll Never See  ;D  ;D

The new Card Game, ISLAMIC POKER: You lose a hand, you lose a hand!

Fairly Serious Putty

Lil' Electrical Outlet Licker

The new Card Game, 5200 Card Pickup: Keeps kids busy all day.

Ginsu Boomerang

The Duncan YO: It never comes back up. It teaches kids how to live with disappointment.

Don King Hair Care products.

Angry Bird-In-A-Bag

Mike Tyson’s Hooked on Phonics.

The John Goodman AB sculptor.

A gift certificate for Hannibal Lechter’s new BBQ restaurant.


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: JudgeNot on September 13, 2005, 04:33:17 PM
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive...................
 :)
 :)
 :)

So I took her to a gas station!!!!!!!  :D


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on September 14, 2005, 05:54:14 AM
 ;D   ;D   ;D

Football Makes Sense:

Football FINALLY makes sense.......... A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, " but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on September 14, 2005, 06:01:42 AM
A Classic of Classics: Who's On First?
by Bud Abbott and Lou Costello - Page 1


Bud: You know, strange as it may seem, they give baseball players peculiar names nowadays. On the St Louis team, we have Who's on first, What's on second and I don't know is on third.

Lou: That's what I want to find out, I want you to tell me the names of the fellows on the St Louis team.

Bud: I'm telling you. Who's on first, what's on second, I don't know is on third!

Lou: You know the fellow's names?

Bud: Yes

Lou: Well then, whose playing first?

Bud: Yes.

Lou: I mean the fellow's name on first base.

Bud: Who.

Lou: The fellow's name on first base for St Louis.

Bud: Who

Lou: The guy on first base

Bud: Who is on first base

Lou: What are you asking me for?

Bud: I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. Who is on first!

Lou: I'm asking you, who is on first?

Bud: That's the man's name

Lou: That's whose name?

Bud: Yes

Lou: Well, go ahead and tell me

Bud: Who

Lou: The guy on first

Bud: Who

Lou: The first baseman

Bud: Who is on first

Lou: (Getting worked up) Have you got a first baseman on first?

Bud: Why certainly

Lou: Well, all I am trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base

Bud: Oh, no, no. What is on second base

Lou: I'm not asking you whose on second

====================See Page 2


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on September 14, 2005, 06:02:48 AM
A Classic of Classics: Who's On First?
by Bud Abbott and Lou Costello - Page 2


Bud: Who's on first

Lou: That's what I'm trying to find out

Bud: Well, don't change the players around

Lou (shouting): I'm not changin' anybody!

Bud: Take it easy man

Lou: What's the guy's name on first base?

Bud: What's the guy's name on second base

Lou: I'm not asking whose on second

Bud: Whose on first

Lou: I don't know

Bud: He's on third. We're not talking about him

Lou: How could I get on third base?

Bud: You mentioned his name

Lou: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?

Bud: No, who's playing first

Lou: Stay offa first will ya??!

Bud:Please, now what is it you'd like to know?

Lou: What is the fellow's name on third base?

Bud: What is the fellow's name on second base

Lou: I'm not asking you whose on second.

Bud: Who's on first

Lou: I don't know

Both together: Third base!

Lou: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?

Bud: Certainly.

Lou: Who gets the money?

Bud: Every dollar of it

Lou: When you give the guy the money, who gets it?

Bud: Yes. He's entitled to it. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

Lou: Whose wife?

Bud: Yes.

Lou: Look, when you give the guy a receipt, how does he sign it?

Bud: Who

Lou: The guy you give the money too

======================See Page 3


Title: Re:Laughter - Good Medicine
Post by: nChrist on September 14, 2005, 06:03:54 AM
A Classic of Classics: Who's On First?
by Bud Abbott and Lou Costello - Page 3


Bud: Who. That's how he signs it

Lou: You got an outfield?

Bud: Certainly

Lou: St Louis has got a good outfield?

Bud: Oh, absolutely

Lou: The left fielder's name?

Bud: Why.

Lou: I don't know, I just thought I'd ask

Bud: Well, I just thought I'd tell you

Lou: Then tell me, who's playing left field?

Bud: Who's playing first

Lou: Stay outta the infield!! I wanna know what's the fellow's name in left field?

Bud: What's on second

Lou: I'm not asking you who's on second

Bud: Who is on first

Lou: I don't know

Together: Third base!

Bud: Now take it easy man!

Lou: And the left fielder's name?

Bud: Why

Lou: Because

Bud: Oh, he's in centre field

Lou: Wait a minute, you gotta pitcher on the team?

Bud: Wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher

Lou: I don't know. What's the pitcher's name

Bud: Tomorrow

Lou: You don't want to tell me today?

Bud: I'm telling you man

Lou: Then go ahead

Bud: Tomorrow

Lou: What time?

Bud: What time what