Laughter - Good Medicine

[Shammu]

Iraqi Bingo:

Q. How do you play Iraqi bingo?

A. B-52...F-16...B-2

Brother, what about, B-1.... A-10....

[Shammu]

Screenshot from my latest windows update






looks like they just got honest.

[airIam2worship]

Screenshot from my latest windows update






looks like they just got honest.

ROFL   

[Shammu]

What Scientists Really Mean

"It has long been known" - I didn't look up the original reference.

"A definite trend is evident" - These data are practically meaningless.

"Of great theoretical and practical importance" - Interesting to me.

"While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to these questions" - An unsuccessful experiment but I still have to get it published.

"Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study" - The results of the others didn't make any sense.

"Typical results are shown" - The best results are shown.

"These results will be shown in a subsequent report" - I might get around to this sometime if I'm pushed.

"The most reliable results are those obtained by Jones" - He was my graduate assistant.

"It is believed that" - I think

"It is generally believed that" - A couple of other guys think so, too.

"It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding occurs" - I don't understand it.

"Correct within an order of magnitude" - Wrong

"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigations in this field" - This is a lousy paper, but so are all the others on this miserable topic.

"Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to George Frink for valuable assistance" - Blotz did the work and Frink explained to me what it meant.

"A careful analysis of obtainable data" - Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of beer.

[Shammu]

10 Words That Don't Exist but Should  - NEW

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt'wink v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lollipop) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay'wink n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9.  PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

[Shammu]

Sayings On T-Shirts

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

2. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

3. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

4. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

5. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

6. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

7. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

8. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

9. You! Off my planet!

10. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

11. Drink Milk Drive slow

12. Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time.

13. That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" - (seen on an 8 year old at Church)

14. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up

15. POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN ....Cops have nothing to go on. 

16.  Jesus Saves  (I have this T-Shirt)

17.  Drink milk of Life read the Bible

18.  The Lord is my Shepard who's yours?

19.  God Loves Man destroys  (I have this T-Shirt)

20.  And women always complain when men have a pain in the ribs.

[Shammu]

A lone ranger and a Tonto are travelling together to find the amulet of scardj. It becomes nightfall and they set their tent up. In the middle of te night, tonto, the native indian wakes david, the lone ranger, up and says. "kemosabe, look into the sky, what do you see?"

"I see a million stars," David says.

"What does this tell you?"

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are billions of galaxies. Astrologically, it tells me Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise it appears to be approximately quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it is evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorogically, it tells me we are going to have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you Tonto?"

"Kemosabe, you dumber than buffalo dung. Somehas stolen tent!"
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For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

Here's why: The population of this country is 273 million.

140 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school. Which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. Leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with restoring Iraq. Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals. Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.

And there you are sitting on your fanny, at your computer, reading jokes. Nice, real nice.
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Famous Last Words

There hasn't been a train along this line for 50 years....

Awww, look at the cute piranhas.... Does it bite? Is that poisonous?

Do you think this meat is still good?

"What does this button do?" "I know poison when i taste it!"

"Now i have plugged my life support into windows 95, everything s going to be....... Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep"

[Shammu]

Good clean Blonde jokes.

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

"We don't have any." replied the first blonde.

"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden.

"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the Game Warden left.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?!"

Note; For those who are not fisherman ... there is a type of fish called "steelhead".

Rainbow trout fish are native to Western North America. Migratory rainbow trout are called steelhead, partly because of their silvery background color. <*( ((><
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Emergency Kit

Josh was helping Sally, the blonde, clean out the trunk of her car. Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair Kit". Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside. Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for.

She said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit."

Josh said, "I can see that, but why?"

Sally replied, "In case I have a flat and need to blow up one of my tires."
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A blonde goes to the local restaurant, buys a small drink for herself, and sits down to drink it. She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the side of her cup while she is drinking. After pulling off the tab, she begins screaming, "I won a motor home! I won a WinneBago motor home!"


The waitress runs over and argues, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a stero system!"

The blonde replies, "No. I won a motor home!"

By this time, the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too argues, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as one of our prizes."

Again the blonde says, "There is no mistake! I won a motor home!"

The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."

[Shammu]

These are real notes written by parents in a Tennessee school district...(spellings have been left intact.)

1 - My son is under doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

2 - Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

3 - Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4 - Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

5 - Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6 - John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7 - Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8 - Meagan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9 - Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10 - Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11 - Please excuse pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre, dyrea, dreathe), the ***** [note: words in ()'s were crossed out]. (love it! )

12 - Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

13 - Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14 - Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. [you know, this could be legit! ;-)]

15 - I kept billie home because she had to go christmas shopping because i don't know shat size she wear.

16 - Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.

17 - Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18 - My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines. [i absolutely love that one!]

19 - Please excuse jason for being absne yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20 - Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21 - Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22 - Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23 - Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, theadache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids.

[Shammu]

Top ten signs that you are deprived of music

10- You play the "Brandenburg Concerto" on your car horn in the midst or ruch hour traffic

9- You think you are in heaven when you hear your school band play.

8- Do the breakdance whenever the national anthem is played.

7- You scratch your finger nails across a black board when you're in the mood for opera.

6- You can sing twinkle, twinkle little star in 10 different melodies

5- You bring the guitar with you into the shower and sing

4- You keep rebooting your computer to hear the start-up sound

3- You hit your head accidentally and there is a ringing in your ears, which you find quite catchy.

2- Mosquitos (hovering next to your ears) no longer annoy you so much.

1- You start singing along, when someone's handphone ringtone goes off
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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says... "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!

[Shammu]

Forbidden Fish

A man was stopped by a game-warden in Northern Michigan recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden asked.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."

"OK. I've GOT to see this!" The game warden was curious, now. The man poured the fish in to the lake and stood and waited. After a several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"

"Well, What?" the man responded. "When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted.

"Call who back?" The man asked.

"The fish." replied the warden.

"What fish?" The man asked.
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Forrest Gump Goes to Heaven...

The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper.

Saint Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it s certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we ve been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Shore hope the test ain t too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest. But, the test I have for you is only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter T ? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is God s first name?"

Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions.

Saint Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one, -how many days of the week begin with the letter T ?" "Shucks, that one s easy; that d be Today and Tomorrow!"

The saint s eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That s not what I was thinking, but ... you do have a point though, and I guess I didn t specify, so I give you credit for that answer."

"How about the next one" says Saint Peter, "how many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one s harder," says Forrest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, Saint Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heaven s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second...."

"Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where you re going with it."

"And I guess I see your point, though that wasn t quite what I had in mind.

I ll give you credit for that one too."

"Let s go on with the next and final question," says Saint Peter, "Can you tell me God s first name?"

Forest says, "Well shore, I know God s first name. Everybody probly knows It s Howard."

"Howard?" asks Saint Peter. "What makes you think it s Howard ?"

Forest answers, "It s in the prayer."

"The prayer?" asks Saint Peter, "Which prayer?"

"The Lord s Prayer," responds Forest: "Our Father, Who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name..."

[Shammu]

WHY JESUS IS BETTER THAN SANTA CLAUS??


Santa lives at the North Pole ...
JESUS is everywhere.

Santa rides in a sleigh ...
JESUS rides on the wind and walks on the water.

Santa comes but once a year ...
JESUS is an ever present help.

Santa fills your stockings with goodies ...
JESUS supplies all your needs.

Santa comes down your chimney uninvited ...
JESUS stands at your door and knocks, and then enters your heart when invited.

You have to wait in line to see Santa ...
JESUS is as close as the mention of His name.

Santa lets you sit on his lap ...
JESUS lets you rest in His arms.

Santa doesn't know your name, all he can say is
"Hi little boy or girl, what's your name?" ...

JESUS knew our name before we were born.
Not only does He know our name,
He knows our address too.
He knows our history and future and
He even knows how many hairs are on our heads.

Santa has a belly like a bowl full of jelly ...
JESUS has a heart full of love

All Santa can offer is HO HO HO ...
JESUS offers health, help and hope.

Santa says "You better not cry" ...
JESUS says "Cast all your cares on me for I care for you."

Santa's little helpers make toys ...
JESUS makes new life, mends wounded hearts, repairs broken homes and builds mansions.

Santa may make you chuckle but ...
JESUS gives you joy that is your strength.

While Santa puts gifts under your tree ...
JESUS became our gift and died on a tree.... The cross.

[Shammu]

Taking no chances
A man goes to see Mel Gibson's new movie, The Passion of Christ, and is inspired to take his family to Israel to see the places where Jesus lived and died.

While on vacation, his mother-in-law dies. An undertaker in Tel Aviv explains that they can ship the body home to Wisconsin at a cost of $10,000 or the mother-in-law could be buried in Israel for US $500.

The man says, "We'll ship her home."

The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."

The man says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
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You know what's annoying:

Guess what?, guess what?, guess what?, guess what?, guess what?, guess what?, guess what?, guess what?, guess what?, guess what?, guess what?, guess what?, guess what?, guess what?, guess what?, Guess what?, WHAT! I FORGOT!
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At a restaurant, with a serious face, say you would like to order diet water.

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Little timmy is watching TV and his friends favourite move comes on. He goes to ring his friend and he finds the phone is dead.
So little timmy goes and sits back down and an advert comes on the TV...

"IF YOUR PHONE IS NOT WORKING... CALL THIS NUMBER AND WE'LL COME OVER AND FIX IT!"
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It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the mess of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter when typing, and his note was sent instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the elderly, grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the computer screen, let out a piercing scream before falling to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:


Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

PS. Sure is hot down here.

[Shammu]

Brain Exercise

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying: "If you don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain.

Below is a very private way to gage your loss or non-loss of intelligence. So take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still a MENSA candidate. OK, relax, clear your
mind and . . . begin.


1. What do you put in a toaster?

The answer is bread. If you said "toast", then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread", go to question 2.


2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk". What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk", please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously overstressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with
reading something more appropriate such as "Children's World". If you said, "water" then proceed to question three.


3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks", what the heck are you still doing here reading these questions? If you said "glass", then go on to
question four.


4. Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically
divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East
Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors - East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?

Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If
you said, "Don't bury the survivors" then proceed to the next question.


5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?
Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree", you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and
exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.


6. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for oh good grief! It was YOU, Read the first line!!!

[Shammu]

Munsa Test

Have you an unusual Intelligence? Do you find you lose interest in supposedly "Interesting movies"? It could be that you're one of the 5% of the population that has the mental capacity of a steaming turd! If so, you may want to join MUNSA - Mentally Unemployed and Noticeably Stupid Association.

Try the questionnaire below. The results could surprise you! If you can't even read the question, you're halfway there already - just get someone to fill out our full color brochure at any trailing chemist, and you'll be in for some, good old fashioned non-challenging material.

1. Which of the following was one of the famous Marx Brothers?

a. STRETCH
b. SKID
c. HARPO
d. TYRE

2. The number missing from the series (1,2,4,..,16) is:

a. YELLOW
b. GERANIUM
c. 8
d. TYRE

3. The letter missing from the series (a,b,c,..,e) is:

a. z
b. b
c. d
d. TYRE

4. A man walks into a Barber Shop, with $5.00. He buys 2 lemons at 45c each, 1 Pickled Eel for $2.40, 4 packets of washing powder for $3.15 each. What will happen?

a. The Barber will wonder where all the stuffs coming from
b. He wasn't in a Barber's shop, it was a Dairy
c. The Barber will ask him if he's from MUNSA
d. Tyre

5. Two trains leave the same station, but moving in opposite directions. The first train is travelling at 50km/hr EAST, while the second one is travelling 50km/hr WEST. Which train is travelling the fastest?

a. The one going EAST
b. The one going WEST
c. Neither
d. Tyre
e. Why aren't there (e.)'s in all the other questions

6. What comes next in the series (RED, GREEN)

a. A car
b. Orange
c. Insufficient Data
d. Tyre

7. Mona Lisa was:

a. A dissatisfied woman
b. A song by Billy Idol
c. A painting
d. Tyre

8. The cold war was about:

a. Ice
b. Autumn
c. A few people at the top not liking each other
d. Tyre

9. Complete the following Sequence: (Tyre Tyre Tyre)

a. Tyre
b. Tyre
c. Tyre
d. Pardon?

Ok, time to total up all your marks. Those of you who haven't mastered addition yet, go straight on to the application; you're the sort of person we're looking for. If not, Give yourself 5 points for every D, -5 for every C, (+10 if you can't add negative numbers yet), 0 for every B and 0 for every A you ticked. How did you do?

90 to 50: OK! You're the sort of person we're looking for. Add 10 points to your score if you haven't got the hang of using anything but crayons yet.

50 to -20: Who's been doing late night studying then? Sorry, you're just a run of the mill pleb - push off.

-20 to -90: A computer geek I bet. Go join some place where they talk big numbers and floppy disks!

Is 85 between 90 and 50? Alright! Go to the bottom of the class! You're a leading light in our Association; get someone to fill the form in for you and welcome aboard!

What will MUNSA do for you?

MUNSA is a group of people just like yourself, and as such will have much the same interests. We'll meet once a month to watch American Game Shows (Except for our "advanced" class which will be watching the Australian Imitations), Television Dating Games, and listening to Pulic readings of Romance Novels. Also at the meetings, you'll have the opportunity to buy:

* Swamp land at ridiculously inflated prices

* Genuine Japanese imports with UNTAMPERED ODOMETERS (with scratces on it)

* Slice/Dice/Mince/Stack shelf-mount food mungers from C-Tel

* "Safe" relocatable houses from Chernobyl and many many more things, as yet not exploited.

As a special initial offer, you will be given a free Brain Warning device which rings an alarm if your IQ gets above 25, in time for you to go back to your local for a couple of jugs of your favourite Weasels.