Laughter - Good Medicine

[airIam2worship]

The Bible tells us what brand of potato chips to eat

 De 1:13 'Choose wise

[Shammu]

Q: Why is Darth Vader's face hideous?
A: Students of the Dark Force are forced to learn to shave using their light sabers.

Q: Why do the Stormtroopers wear that clumsy body armor, if it doesn't stop laser blasts?
A: Because EmpireCNN tells the entire population to be scared witless of people in white armor.

Q: How does the Death Star move from system to system?
A: A real big rubber band.

Q: Why does Death Star have that trench around it?
A: That's where the rubber band fits.

Q: If Yoda could lift the titanic out of the water, why didn't he?
A: Then the titanic would survive and the movie would be longer!!  What kinda star wants that!

[Shammu]

    * You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

    * Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.

    * You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill.

    * At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.

    * You have bantha horns on the front of your land speeder.

    * You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

    * You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.

    * You ever lost a hand during a light saber fight because you had to spit.

    * The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

    * Wookies are offended by your Body Order.

    * You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

    * You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.

    * Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

    * You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock-thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

    * You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land speeder. You think Han Solo would look better in a flannel cause he looks like a little sissy in that vest.

    * You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

    * You have ever accidentally referred to Darth Vader's evil empire as "them Yankees."

    * You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

    * You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a redwood deck.

    * In your opinion, that Darth Vader fellow just "ain't right."

[Shammu]

Rejected Movie Titles for the New Star Wars Movie

    * "Eat Our Dust, You Trekkies"
    * "Wookie Nights"
    * "How Yoda Got His Groove Back"
    * "Kenneth Starr Wars"
    * "The Search For Mark Hamill"
    * "Just An Attempt To Make More Money Than Titanic"
    * "Harrison Ford Is Not In This One"
    * "I Know What You Did a Long Time Ago In a Galaxy Far, Far Away"
    * "EWOKZ"
    * "Star Wars: Episode--Ahh, Forget It, Just Send Your Money Directly To George Lucas"

[Shammu]

Republican Engineer Captured by Stormtroopers

An engineer from the Republic is captured by the Emperor's stormtroopers and sent to a dismal prison ship. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in the prisoner's quarters, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've all got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

Now the top Republican general was negotiating a prisoner exchange with the Emperor, and asked, "So, how are you treating your prisoners?"

The emporer replies, "Hey things are going great. They've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what your engineer is going to come up with next."

The general replies, "Whathuh You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have been sent there; send him in the next prisoner exchange."

The emperor says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the prisoner staff, and I'm keeping him."

The general says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

The emperor laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?  They all joined the dark side long ago."

[Shammu]

Welcoming to America

When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience. "And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded. "Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang, .... 'Jose, can you see?'"

))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me..

"Camptown Races":

I can't come to the telephone; doo-dah, doo-dah.
Leave your message when you hear the tone; oh, de doo-dah day.
Might be gone all night... Might be gone all day...
So leave a message when you hear the tone.
I'll call you back someday...

Beethoven's Fifth:

Nobody's home.
Why did you phone?
Please leave your message here when you have heard the tone,
And we will call you back as soon as we get home.
Your message here,
After the tone,
Here is the tone... tone... BEEP

Hi you have reached (your name)'s phone, I am sorry but I anm not avalable, but if you leave your name, number, and bank accout number, I will be happy to call you back.

Hello?....hey whats up?......who is this?.....oh cool im just sitting here.....Nah i lied your talkin to my answering machine....DONT YOU FEEL DUMB

The only reason your hearing me talk right now is because some GENIUS. Wanted us to be able to reject calls. So I figured why not try it on some one I really don't want to talk to. And please, when you call back don't block your call. And if you could leave a really long message I'd appreciate it thanks.

If you are a telemarketer, hang up now. If I work with you, press 1 now. If I'm related to you press 2 now. All others leave a message!

[Shammu]

If Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules"

Rule # 1 Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

Rule # 2 If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

Rule # 3 It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

Rule # 4 You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both.

Rule # 5 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

Rule # 6 Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

Rule # 7 When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

There was a convention for alot of  countries in the world about exploring space. The Americans say "we will land on mars" and everyone applaudes. The British say "we will study the stars more closely" and everyone appluades. The Chinese say "we wil study pluto better then ever" and everyone applaudes. The Israelis say "we will land  on Venus" everyone applaudes.Then the LLL come up and say "we will land on the sun" none applaudes. Someone in the crowd says "thats impossible, it's to hot to land on the sun". "No said the LLL we are going at night!"
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

A guy walked into a restaurant and asked for some broccoli. The waiter said, Sorry, theres no broccoli.

So the man asked for a meat pie and broccoli. The waiter said, "There is no broccoli."

So he asked for a meat pie, chips, and broccoli. The waiter replied, Spell cat, as in catastrophe.

C-A-T, the man answered.

The waiter then asked, Spell dog as in dogmatic.

The man said D-O-G.

Now spell (stupid), as in broccoli, the waiter said.

The man yelled THERES NO STUPID IN BROCCOLI!

The waiter laughed, EXACTLY!!"

[Shammu]

A very handsome and even more confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and cant help but ask, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The woman is intrigued and asks, "A state-of-the-art watch? Whats so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"Whats it telling you now?"

"Well, it says youre not wearing any watch..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing it!"

The man taps on the face of the watch and explains, "Stupid thing must be an hour fast."
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

A guy gets into a taxi after a night out and halfway through the journey wants to stop and buy something. He taps the driver on the shoulder and suddenly the driver screams, swerves across the road and mounts the sidewalk stopping just short of a brick wall.
All was quiet for a few moments and then the driver turns around and says "Don't EVER tap me on the shoulder while I'm driving... EVER again". The guy says, "I'm sorry, I didn't know it would scare you so much"
The driver replies, "It wouldn't normally but this is my first night as a taxi driver. And up until yesterday, for twenty five years, I was driving a Hearse.
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?" After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone!"

[Shammu]

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper: "Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.

She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me ... the whole world hates me!"

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Only in America

1.Can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2.are there handicap parking places in front of our skating rinks.
3.do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get prescriptions, while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4.do people order double cheesburgers, large fries, and a DIET COKE.
5.do banks leave both doors open and then chain  the pens to the counters.
6.do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7.do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8.do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9.do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'poli' in latin means 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

[Shammu]

It was Rocky's first night in the jail. All of the inmates were in
their cells and he was trying to become a bit more comfortable with his
meager surroundings. As he leaned against the bars at the front of his
cell, Rocky heard a voice call out "44" and the whole cell block erupted
into laughter! Another voice called "16" and again there was laughter. A
third voice called "62" which was followed by laughter throughout the block.

Rocky didn't know what was going on so he rapped on his cell wall.

"Yeah, whaddaya want?" came the gruff reply from next door.

"What's going on, here?" asked Rocky.

"Well," said the other inmate, "down in the prison library there's only one
joke book. We've all read the book so many times that we don't waste time
telling the joke, we just call out it's number."

So the next day Rocky went down to the library and, sure enough, found the
yellowed, dog-eared joke book and read it from cover to cover. That night,
wanting to be part of the group, Rocky confidently called out "44" and
everyone laughed! He tried calling "16" and "62" and again there were peals
of laughter. Then he called 57, and the halls rang with laughter.

After several minutes, one prisoner was still rolling on the floor laughing.
More minutes - still laughing. Rocky rapped on the cell wall. "Yeah,
waddaya want?" asked the other inmate.

"I don't understand it," asked Rocky, "Why is Bill still laughing?"

"Well," said the gruff inmate, "He never heard that one before!"
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Two guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have to go into court on a Friday. They go to court and the judge says, "If you can convince more than 5 people to stop doing drugs for the rest of their lives, you wont be sent to jail."
So the two men agree and the judge tells them to come back on Monday.

So the two guys come back on Monday and the judge asks how they did.

I got 17 people to get off drugs, says the first guy.

Wow, howd you do that? asks the judge.

I used circles. I told them that this large circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs.

Oh, thats nothing!" said the second guy. "I convinced 156 people to get off drugs.

Wow. Howd you do that? asked the judge.

Well, I used circles too. I told them this small circle is your stomach hole before prison.

.

Okay now, y'all can groan............

[nChrist]

Dreamweaver Said:

Welcoming to America

When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience. "And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded. "Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang, .... 'Jose, can you see?'"

         Brother, this is a very old but famous groaner. I remember my dad telling this joke many times. The funny part was he knew he had told it to us before, and it was just going to cause more groaning.

Here's another very old, but no so famous groaner:

Joe was driving to work and hit a pedestrian. He jumped out and hollered, "Are you OK?" The pedestrian was getting up and said he would be fine. Joe felt horrible and he apologized over and over. The pedestrian said, "It's OK, I've been run over before."

__________Yes, that's the punchline and the end of the joke. (4 groans).

[Willowbirch]

    * You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

    * Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.

    * You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill.

    * At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.

    * You have bantha horns on the front of your land speeder.

    * You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

    * You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.

    * You ever lost a hand during a light saber fight because you had to spit.

    * The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

    * Wookies are offended by your Body Order.

    * You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

    * You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.

    * Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

    * You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock-thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

    * You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land speeder. You think Han Solo would look better in a flannel cause he looks like a little sissy in that vest.

    * You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

    * You have ever accidentally referred to Darth Vader's evil empire as "them Yankees."

    * You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

    * You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a redwood deck.

    * In your opinion, that Darth Vader fellow just "ain't right."

I'm assuming this is  Redneck Star Wars fan? 

[Soldier4Christ]

I'm assuming this is  Redneck Star Wars fan? 

Yep, they came from the one of the southern galaxies.

[Shammu]

Yep, they came from the one of the southern galaxies.

From the southwest, galaxies. 

[Shammu]

I'm assuming this is  Redneck Star Wars fan? 

YUP!!