Laughter - Good Medicine

[Willowbirch]

 Notice from the Pentagon
 
 The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces. These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas  boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:
 
    1. The season opened today.
    2. There is no limit.
    3. They taste just like chicken.
    4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
    5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
   
We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Monday

[nChrist]

          Willowbirch, I have a couple of questions:

1 - Could we call them the REDNECK RANGERS?

2 - How will you select only 500 if 100,000 volunteer on day one?

[Willowbirch]

2 - How will you select only 500 if 100,000 volunteer on day one?

Answer: Eliminate all volunteers with any form of "Bob" in their name, including "Bubba"

[nChrist]

Answer: Eliminate all volunteers with any form of "Bob" in their name, including "Bubba"

   Willowbirch, there went your Army.

[airIam2worship]

Welcoming to America

When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience. "And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded. "Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang, .... 'Jose, can you see?'"

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You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me..

"Camptown Races":

I can't come to the telephone; doo-dah, doo-dah.
Leave your message when you hear the tone; oh, de doo-dah day.
Might be gone all night... Might be gone all day...
So leave a message when you hear the tone.
I'll call you back someday...

Beethoven's Fifth:

Nobody's home.
Why did you phone?
Please leave your message here when you have heard the tone,
And we will call you back as soon as we get home.
Your message here,
After the tone,
Here is the tone... tone... BEEP

Hi you have reached (your name)'s phone, I am sorry but I anm not avalable, but if you leave your name, number, and bank accout number, I will be happy to call you back.

Hello?....hey whats up?......who is this?.....oh cool im just sitting here.....Nah i lied your talkin to my answering machine....DONT YOU FEEL DUMB

The only reason your hearing me talk right now is because some GENIUS. Wanted us to be able to reject calls. So I figured why not try it on some one I really don't want to talk to. And please, when you call back don't block your call. And if you could leave a really long message I'd appreciate it thanks.

If you are a telemarketer, hang up now. If I work with you, press 1 now. If I'm related to you press 2 now. All others leave a message!

(Sung to the tune for Oscar Meyer Weiners)
Oh I wish I was at home to take your phone call,
that is where I'd truley like to be,
 but since I'm not at home to take your phone call,
Just leave a message when you hear the beep.
And if you leave your name and number
I will c-a-l-l you b-a-c-k

[airIam2worship]

Answer: Eliminate all volunteers with any form of "Bob" in their name, including "Bubba"

ROFL, only one problem that might just leave Ray, Ray, and Raymond. And maybe Earl.

[Willowbirch]

ROFL, only one problem that might just leave Ray, Ray, and Raymond. And maybe Earl.

And Jude. As well as any William - Willy, Willa, Bill, Billy, Billy-Jo...

[airIam2worship]

Thiat's right I forgot about Billy-Joe, and Bud, and Jethro, too

[Shammu]

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your weight and fortune.

So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine and put her nickel in and out came a card that said, "You're a nun and weigh 128 lb., and you are going to Chicago, Illinois."

She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again.

She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun, weigh 128 lb., you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle."

The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument in my life."

She sat back down. From nowhere a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. She picked it up and just started playing beautiful music.

Startled she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible. I've got to try it again."

Back to the machine, she put her nickel in and another card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lb., you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you're going to break wind."

Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong. "I've never broke wind in public a day in my life."

Well, she tripped getting off the scale and broke wind.

Stunned she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again."

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card.

It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lb., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your plane to Chicago."

[Shammu]

Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know that he was an alcoholic. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George, quietly parked his pickup in front of Sarah's house...............

AND he left it there all night.

[Shammu]

A minister decided to relax one weekday by playing a few holes of golf. When he was about to tee off, another golfer approached and offered to make it a twosome. The minister agreed.

"How about we make it interesting?" the newcomer asked..."say, $5.00 a hole?"

"Why not?" the minister said, a little guiltily.
The other fellow won easily, and the minister paid up. While dressing in the locker room, the winner looked on, aghast, as the minister donned his collar.

"Sir, I'm sorry! I would never have challenged you to bet if I'd known you were clergy! I'm the club pro here, I haven't lost a round in years!"
"Never mind, Son," sighed the preacher..."I shouldn't have made a wager, it's sinful...and to show you there are no hard feelings, the next time you're downtown, bring your parents by my church and I'll marry them, free of charge!"
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The church picnic was always such a hit and one reason was Mrs. B's Baked Beans. So as per usual the person in charge asked Mrs. B to do them again. Mrs. B. agree'd and baked them up that week.

The Beans were finished so Mrs. B put them on top of the stove to cool. Without Mrs. B knowing Billy got up over the stove to get a cookie and while up there his BB's fell into the Baked Beans. He didn't know what to do because the beans were hot so he just left them there.

The church picnic was a fabulous hit and everyone raved about those beans. Many of the ladies asked for her famous recipe and got it to cook these for their families.

About a week went bye and one of the ladies caught Mrs. B in the market. " Oh, Mrs. B, I wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed your baked beans at the church picnic. They were the most wonderful beans I have ever had." She went on, " The only thing I can't understand and it has me very sad is that I bent down to feed my kitty and shot my Canary."

[Shammu]

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.

Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.

Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old bulb was.

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either favor of or against the need for a light bulb.
However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine.
You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

Amish: What's a light bulb?
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The Amish Elevator

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son ...

Go get your mother."

[Shammu]

Why God never received tenure at any university

1.  He had only one Major publication

2.  It was in Hebrew

3.  It had no references

4.  It Wasn't published in a referee journal

5.  Some even doubt he wrote it himself

6.  It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then.

7. His co-operative efforts have been quite limited

8. The Scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results

9.  He never applied to the Ethics Board to use human subjects

10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects

11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted he deleted them from the sample

12.  He rarely came to class, just told students to read the Book.

13.  Some say he had his son teach the class

14.  He expelled his first two students for learning.

15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his test

16.  His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

[Shammu]

Nuns & Baseball


Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game (with their habits partially blocking the view ), three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move. In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there." The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns living there."The third guy said,"I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns living there." One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet calm voice said, "Why don't you go to Hell...... there aren't any Nuns living there."
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The Bible Salesman

A man came into a shop with a 'Salesman Wanted' sign in a window.

He went up to the owner and said, "I-I-I w-w-waannn-t the j-joooob-b."

"I don't know if this job would suit you because of your speaking impediment," said the owner.

"I h-h-havvve a w-wi-wiiiife and s-s-s-six k-kkkids, iiii-I re-really neeeed thi-thi-this j-j-job!" said the man.

"O.K. Here are three Bibles. Go out and sell them." said the owner.

So the man went out and came back an hour later.

"H-here-sss your m-m-money." said the man.

The owner was impressed, so he gave the man a dozen more Bibles and sent him out.

The man came back in two hours and said, "Her-ers y-yooour m-m-money."

The owner said, "This is fantastic. You sold more Bibles in three hours than anyone has sold in a week. Tell me, what do you say to the people when they come to the door?"

"W-welllll," said the man, "I r-r-ring the d-door bell, a-a-and s-s-say 'H-Hel-Hello, M-m-maaaaddam, d-d-do you w-w- want t-t-t-to buy thi-thi-this B-B-Bible, oooor d-d-do y-you w-w-want m'me t-toooo read it t-t-t-t-to you?"
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It was the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the new kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.

The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman."

The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is mechanic."

Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men."

The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject.

Later in the school yard, the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.

He blushed and said, "No, my dad raises money for the Democratic Party, but I was just too embarrassed to say it."

[Shammu]

Why parents have grey hair


This is a telephone conversation between a child and the boss of one of the parents...
An employer, concerned with his best worker not showing up for work, decides to give him a call.
He dialed the employee home phone number and was greeted with a child's
whisper, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster,
 the boss asked,
"Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice."May I talk with him?" the man asked.The small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,"Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes," came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone,
the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should
be there watching over the child.

Is there anyone else there in your house?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the Boss asked,
may I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," whispered the child.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is
that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

What's going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed hushed
voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked,
"What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied, along with a muffled giggle:
ME
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Birds of a feather flock together and aim for your car.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.  For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

When I can't be kind, I try to have the decency to be vague

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
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Okay, I guess thats enough groaners tonight..........................