Clean Jokes

[Shammu]

Jumper's Question

When doing my para training with British Airborne we did our first two descents from 800 ft from a static Barrage-balloon with a cage suspended below, (the other six jumps from aircraft).
     
Standing in the door of the cage with no sound except the gentle breeze blowing past and a very long way down, a recruit was heard to ask the R.A.F. Dispatcher, "If the parachute doesn't open, how long will it take me to hit the ground from 800 ft?"
     
The dispatcher calmly remarked, "You'll be about halfway through The Lord's Prayer".

[nChrist]

      

Good laughs - thank you. I'm going to have to come back here and laugh again.

[Shammu]

What Would You Have Done

The two thousand member church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.
     
One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.
     
The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"
     
Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.
     
After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.
     
The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I love this joke, there are so many out there that would run awaay from Jesus, though they say differently

[Shammu]

Just the Truth

Following a great sermon on lifestyle evangelism one family thought they had better do something to witness to Jesus. So they invited their neighbours to dinner the following Friday night.
     
When it came to the meal, the hostess was keen to show their neighbours that they upheld Christian standards in their home.
     
So she asked little 5 year old Johnny to say grace.
     
Little Johnny was a bit shy. "I don't know what to say" There was an awkward pause, followed by a reassuring smile from the boy's mother.
     
"Well darling," she said, " just say what Daddy said at breakfast this morning."
     
Obediently, the boy repeated, "Oh God, we've got those awful people coming to dinner tonight"     

[Shammu]

Trying to Help

A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.
     
"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400."
     
"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"
     
The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.

[Shammu]

Learning Information

Pat and Mike were walking down the street, when they came to the church, Pat says, 'Mike, you wait here, I'm going to run in for confession, it's been a long time'.
     
Pat enters the confessional and says,' Father forgive me, I have sinned with a married woman'.
     
The priest asks, 'was it Mrs Murphy'? 'no, Father', was the reply.
     
'Was it Mrs O'Boyle'? Again the reply was 'No, Father'.
     
'Was it Mrs. O'Grady'? Pat said, Father, I'll not be teling you the lady's name!
     
So the priest told him to say two Hail Mary's for each time he had sinned with the woman.
     
Back on the street, Mike said, 'Well, how did you do'? Pat said, 'Just fine, I kept me mouth shut and got 3 new prospects'!

[Shammu]

The Millionaire

At a church meeting a very wealthy man rose to tell the rest of those present about his Christian faith.
     
"I'm a millionaire," he said, "and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I remember that turning point in my faith. I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and had to either give it all to God's work or nothing at all. So at that moment I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today."
     
He finished and there was an awed silence at his testimony as he moved toward his seat. As he sat down a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said to him: "I dare you to do it again."

[Shammu]

Thou Shalt Not Lie

A Minister was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.
     
The group had surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"
     
One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."
     
Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."
     
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."

[Shammu]

Religion in Ireland

There was an American basketball player that had a tournament in Belfast. After one of his games he stepped outside for a breath of fresh air when he felt a gun in his back. "What's your religion?" he heard the man growl.
     
Bobby (the player) had no real religion but he knew if he said he was Catholic and this guy was a Protestant he would kill him and if he said he was Protestant and the guy was Catholic he would kill him.
     
Thinking quickly he said "I'm Jewish." and the man replied, "Oh Allah I must be the luckiest Arab in all of Ireland."

[Shammu]

I Never Go To Church

I never go to church," boasted a wandering member. "Perhaps you have noticed that pastor?"
     
"Yes, I have noticed that," said the pastor.
     
"Well, the reason I don't go is because there are so many hypocrites there."
     
"Oh, don't let that keep you away," replied the pastor with a smile. "There's always room for one more."

[Shammu]

A Sure Bet

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough.
     
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
     
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."
     
Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

[Shammu]

The Sahara

A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door.
     
The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.
     
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down."
     
The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door.
     
"I cut the tree down," said the man. The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"
     
"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.
     
"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.

The little man laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!"

[nChrist]

          

Good ones. Thanks, I needed these laughs.

[Shammu]

        

Good ones. Thanks, I needed these laughs.

Well here are some more then brother Tom

[Shammu]

Drunk on the Subway

A drunk man who smelled like cheap wine sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
     
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
     
"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
     
"Well, I'll be hornswaggled," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
     
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
     
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".