Clean Jokes

[Shammu]

New Found Respect

There were these three guys talking. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third guy remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
     
The third fellow puffs out his chest and says, "Well, I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me crawling on her hands and knees."
     
The first two guys were amazed! Their eyes are wide and they have a newfound respect for this guy. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.
     
The third fellow sighed and uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under that bed and fight like a man!'"

[Shammu]

Husbands Faults

Wives have many faults. Husbands have only 2: everything they say and everything they do.
     
Husband: "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"
     
Wife: "No problem. I'll get you some that is."
     
You really have to feel sorry for husbands.
     
They were given a brain and reproductive machinery but only enough blood to run one at a time.

[nChrist]

    

Thanks for the laughs. I needed them.

[Shammu]

Very Brave Men

General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: "So how are your men?"
     
"Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie."
     
"I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the country." "Well, my men are very brave, too."
     
"I'd like to see that."
     
So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: "Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!"
     
"Are you crazy? It'd kill me, you idiot! I'm out of here!" As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:
     
"You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."

[Shammu]

Fall Out

As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, "All right! All you dummies fall out."
     
As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention.
     
The instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow.
     
I smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of dummies, huh sir?" 

[Shammu]

Major Problem

A major was assigned to a new office on a military base. While he worked to set up his office, a private knocked on the door. The major quickly picked up the phone and motioned for the private to enter.
     
On the phone the major said, "Yes, General Schwarzkopf, I think that is an excellent idea. . . . No sir, that's fine, you feel free to call me any time. I'm glad I can help. . . . Yes sir, I will, and you give my best to your family as well. Thank you sir, and a good day to you too, General Schwarzkopf."
     
As the major hung up the phone he turned to the private and asked, "What can I do for you, private?"
     
Sheepishly, the private mumbled, "Um, sir, I'm just here to hook up your phone."

[Shammu]

Sales Pitch

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
     
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
     
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.
     
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."
     
"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

[Shammu]

         Military Laws

       - Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you.
       - No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.
       - Friendly fire ain't.
       - The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
       - The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already has it mined.
       - The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
       - Incoming fire has the right of way.
       - If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
       - If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
       - The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
       - Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.

[Shammu]

Secure The Building

One reason the Armed Services have trouble operating jointly is that they have very different meanings for the same terms;
     
The Joint Chiefs once told the Navy to "secure a building," to which they responded by turning off the lights and locking the doors.
     
The Joint Chiefs then instructed Army personnel to "secure the building," and they occupied the building so no one could enter.
     
Upon receiving the exact same order, the Marines assaulted the building, captured it, and set up defenses with suppressive fire and amphibious assault vehicals, established reconnaissance and communications channels, and prepared for close hand-to-hand combat if the situation arose   
     
But the Air Force, on the other hand, acted most swiftly on the command, and took out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

[Shammu]

You Need A Sticker

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"
     
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."
     
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."
     
The general said, "Drive on!"
     
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
     
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"
     
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?"

[Shammu]

Veterans' Talk

Shooting the breeze down at the Veteran's hospital, a trio of old timers ran out of tales of their own heroic exploits and started bragging about their ancestors. "My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh."
     
"Mine," boasted another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn."
     
"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world."
     
"What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.
     
"Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."

[Shammu]

Divert Your Course

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operation 10-10-95
     
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
     
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.
     
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
     
Canadians: No...I say again, you divert YOUR course.
     
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
     
Canadians: This is a lighthouse.... Divert YOUR course.

[Shammu]

No Room at the Inn

By the time the sailor pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
     
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
     
"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it."
     
The next morning, the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?" "Nope. I shut him up in no time," said the Navy guy.
     
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
     
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the sailor explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight beautiful,' ...and he sat up all night watching me."

[Shammu]

The Wild Child

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
     
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
     
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
     
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
     
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."

[Shammu]

Logic??   

A Drill Sergeant was chewing out a new recruit when he asked him:
     
"Tell me stupid if one of your ears was shot off what would happen?"
     
"Well sir, I couldn't hear."
     
"What if both your ears were shot off?"
     
"Well, I wouldn't be able to see."
     
"That is dumb. Why did you say that?"
     
"If both my ears were shot off, sir, My helmet would slide right down over my eyes!"