Clean Jokes

[nChrist]

Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?

A: A mechanic.

[nChrist]

Wandering inside a pet store, I stopped in front of a birdcage to admire a parakeet. We watched each other for a few minutes before it asked, “Can’t you talk?”

[nChrist]

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey.”

The horse says, “You read my mind, buddy.”

[nChrist]

A Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bird is wearing a baseball cap. The bartender says, “Hey, that’s neat. Where did you get that?”

The parrot says, “France—they’ve got millions of them there.”

[nChrist]

A man walks into a restaurant and says, “How do you prepare your chickens?” The cook replies, “Nothing special. We just tell ’em they’re gonna die.”

[Shammu]

What time of day was Adam created?

Just a little before Eve
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why are atoms Catholic?

Because they have mass

[Shammu]

Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark?

Because Noah was always standing on the deck
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why didn’t Noah ever go fishing?

He only had two worms.

[Shammu]

Did Eve ever have a date with Adam?

Nope — just an apple.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why did the unemployed man get excited while reading his Bible?

He thought he saw a Job.

[Shammu]

Does God love everyone?

Yes, but He prefers “fruits of the spirit” to “religious nuts!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Why couldn’t Jonah trust the ocean?

He just knew there was something fishy about it.

[Shammu]

The good Lord didn’t create anything without a purpose.

Mosquitoes come close, though.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

What do you get if you cross a Jehovah’s Witness and a Unitarian?

Someone who goes around knocking on doors for no apparent reason

[Shammu]

What excuse did Adam give his children about why he no longer lived in Eden?

Your mother ate us out of house and home
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?

Moses, he broke all 10 commandments at once

[Shammu]

Who was the first tennis player in the bible?

Joseph because he served in Pharaoh’s court
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?

David, he rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep

[nChrist]

 

Hello Brother Bob,

It's great to hear from you, and I needed those laughs.

[Shammu]

How to Find a Wife

Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. -- Deuterononmy (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
     
Find a prostitute and marry her. -- Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)
     
Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. -- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
     
Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. -- Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)

Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. -- Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
     
Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. On a personal note: This will cost you a rib. -- Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)

[Shammu]

Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman. -- Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
     
Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. -- David (1Samuel 18:27)
     
Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course.) -- Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
     
Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. -- Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)

When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." -- Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
     
Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though). -- David (2 Samuel 11)
     
Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law). -- Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
     
Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. -- Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
     
Finally:  A wife?...NOT!!! -- Paul (1Corinthians 7:32-35)