Clean Jokes

[Shammu]

Give Me A Push

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.
     
Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
     
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
     
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"
     
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened.
     
"Dave, that wasn't very nice of you," she says.
     
"Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter, and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
     
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
     
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere, he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts,
     
"Where are you?"
     
"I'm over here," the stranger replies, "on your swing."

[Shammu]

A Long Night

A drunk phoned the local police department to report that thieves had been in his car. "They have stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out.
     
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time, and the same voice came over the line.
     
"Never mind," the drunk said with a hiccup. "I got in the back seat by mistake."

[Shammu]

The Drunk at Church

A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.
     
The pastor has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.
     
He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand."
     
The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.
     
Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!"
     
The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing.
     
Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what we're voting on here, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"

[Shammu]

Confessional Troubles

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing.
     
The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.
     
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
     
Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

[Shammu]

The Greek Priest

A Greek priest is driving down to New York to see a show, and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath, sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and asks, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
     
The minister replies, "Just water."
     
The trooper asks, "Then, why do I smell wine?"
     
The minister looks down at the bottle and exclaims, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"

[Shammu]

A Bad Day

A little guy is sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink for about a half-hour. A big trouble making truck driver comes up to him, takes the drink from the guy, and drinks it all down.
     
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."
     
"No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me.
     
When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab.
     
I got home only to find my wife was with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. When I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."

This one is a lil stinker 

[Shammu]

Language difficulties

A Chinese went to a bar in Hawaii to have some drinks. At the counter, he sat next to a famous Hollywood producer, Steven Spielberg who was already ahead by a quart of alcohol.
     
The producer was glaring at him. Suddenly, in a flash the Chinese crashed down from his stool, felled by a vicious hook from the producer.
     
Picking himself up, he yelled, "What was that for?"
     
The producer ranted: "That's for the bombing of Pearl Harbor, you $B%'%'(J@@!!$B%'%'(J! My dad perished in that bombing!"
     
"I am not Japanese, you stupid Nincompoop! I am a Chinese!"
     
"Yeah yeah yeah ...Japanese, Burmese, Chinese, Vietnamese, ... you are all the same."
     
Regaining his composure, the Chinese took his seat and ordered a double from the bartender. A few seconds later, the Chinese turned around and delivered a deadly snake fist to the producer, sending him flat to the floor.
     
"What was that for?!!" exclaimed the producer.
     
"That's for the sinking of the TITANIC! I had ancestors on that ship!" the Chinese replied.
     
"You ignorant chink! The TITANIC was sunk by an iceberg! " shouted the producer.
     
"Yeah yeah yeah... Iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg... you are all the same!"

[Shammu]

Want to Go to Heaven

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father."
     
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"
     
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
     
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
     
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
     
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
     
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

[Shammu]

What's in the Pocket

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini.
     
After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring another double martini.
     
The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But ya gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
     
The man replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

[Shammu]

A Sure Bet

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough.
     
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
     
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."
     
Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

[Shammu]

The Sahara

A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door.
     
The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.
     
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down."
     
The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door.
     
"I cut the tree down," said the man. The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"
     
"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.
     
"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.
     
The little man laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!"

[nChrist]

    

Good ones - thanks, I needed those laughs.

[Shammu]

Round and Round

Hillary dies and goes to Heaven where she meets St. Peter. She notices that there are clocks everywhere. She asks St. Peter why are there so many clocks here.
     
St. Peter tells her that each clock represents a person on earth and that every time a person tells a lie, the clock ticks off one-second. St. Peter explains that the one clock has never moved because it belonged to mother Theresa and she never told a lie her whole life. The next clock belonged to Abraham Lincoln and since he only told two lies his whole life, only two seconds had clicked.
     
Hillary asks, "Where is Bill's clock?"
     
St. Peter says, "Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a fan." 

[Shammu]

Welcome To America

A foreign visitor was being given a tour of Washington, D.C. one day by an American friend of hers. She was amazed at the size of the Monuments, the Congressional Buildings, and so forth. Finally she gazed upon the White House itself.
     
"My, that's an incredibly large building!" she remarked.
     
"Yes, it's pretty big, alright." said her friend.
     
"Big? It's huge!! About how many people work in there?" she asked.
     
"Oh... about half."

[Shammu]

Render Unto Caesar

A little boy, who wanted $100.00 very badly, prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to GOD, U.S.A., they decided to send it to the President.
     
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy $50.00. Mr. President thought that this would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy.
     
The little boy was delighted with the $50.00 and immediately sat down to write a thank you note to GOD that read:
     
"Dear God, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, those devil's took half of it.