Clean Jokes

[Shammu]

Beware of Dog

Upon entering a little country store, the stranger noticed a sign warning, "Danger! Beware of dog!" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.
     
"Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" he asked the owner.
     
"Yep, that's him," came the reply.
     
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
     
"Because," the owner explained, "Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

[Shammu]

Doggie Contest

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
     
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them "The first one who can use the words "liver" and "cheese" together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
     
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says "I love liver and cheese." "Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."
     
She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said "How well can you do?" Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
     
"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"
     
The last of the three, tiny in stature, but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, "Liver alone. Cheese mine."

[Shammu]

Wake Up Call

Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone. . .
     
"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice.
     
Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.
     
The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back.
     
"Good morning, Mr. Williams.... Just called to say that I don't have a dog."

[Shammu]

Not Quite What He Wanted

A hunter raised his rifle and took careful aim at a large bear. When about to pull the trigger, the bear spoke in a soft soothing voice, "Isn't it better to talk than to shoot? What do you want? Let's negotiate the matter."
     
Lowering his rifle, the hunter replied, "I want a fur coat."
     
"Good," said the bear, "that is a negotiable item. I only want a full stomach, so let us sit down and negotiate a compromise."
     
They sat down to negotiate and after a time the bear walked away, alone. The negotiations had been successful.
     
The bear had a full stomach, and the hunter had his fur coat!

[Shammu]

A Fish Tale

A big-time negotiator was out fishing one day when he caught a strange looking fish. He reeled the fish in, unhooked it, and threw it on the ground next to him. The fish started writhing in agony and, to the negotiator's surprise, said, "Please throw me back into the lake and I'll grant you three wishes."
     
"Any three wishes, huh?" the negotiator mused as visions of expensive fast cars and beautiful women paraded through his head.
     
"Fish," he finally exclaimed, "Give me five wishes and I'll throw you back."
     
"Sorry," the fish answered while struggling for breath, "only three wishes."
     
The negotiator's pride was at stake and after giving the matter some thought he announced, "What do you take me for? A sucker? I'll settle for four wishes."
     
"Only three," the fish murmured weakly.
     
Fuming, the man debated the pros and cons of accepting the three wishes or continuing to bargain for that one extra wish. Finally, the negotiator decided it wasn't worth looking a gift fish in the mouth and said "All right fish, you win, three wishes."
     
Unfortunately, by then the fish was dead.

[Shammu]

Poisonous

Two snakes were slithering through a field. One snake turned to the other and asked, " Do you suppose we are poisonous snakes?"
     
"I don't know", replied the other, "Why?"
     
"Well", said the first, "I just bit my lip"

[Shammu]

Gone to the Dogs

There was this man that had a dog. He came home one day, and his dog was belly up with its legs sticking in the air.
     
He wasn't sure if it was dead or not, so he took it to the vet. He told the vet of his problem, and the vet said that there was a sure-fire way to see if the dog is indeed dead.
     
He left the room and returned with a cat. He rubbed the cat in the dogs face, and after a while came to the conclusion that the dog was indeed dead.
     
The man was upset and asked the doctor how much he owed him. The doctor said, "$550" The man was stunned. He asked the doctor to explain and the doctor said, "Fifty for the visit, and 500 for the cat-scan..."

[Shammu]

The Hamster and the Frog

A mangy looking guy walks into a very classy restaurant and orders a steak. The waitress says: "I'm sorry, but I don't think you can pay for your meal." The guy admits, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me my supper?"
     
The waitress, both curious and compassionate, says, "Only if what you show me isn't risque."
     
"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the ground and it runs across the room, directly to a piano. The hamster then proceeds to climb up the piano, and starts playing Gershwin songs.
     
The waitress says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy sits back and enjoys a fine steak supper with all the trimmings.
     
Shortly thereafter, he asks the waitress, "Can I have a piece of that fine blueberry pie I see on the dessert cart over there?" "Only if you got another miracle up your sleeve", says the waitress. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the table, and the frog starts to sing up a storm!
     
A stranger from a nearby table runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the restaurant with dollar signs in his eyes and a big smile on his face.
     
The waitress says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions!"
     
"No", says

[Shammu]

Horsing Around

Two horses were walking back to the paddock after a days training. One says to the other "I can't understand why we are so slow, we come from good stock, we have the best of food, great trainers, and yet we come last in every race."
     
There was a dog running along side them who overheard and said "I know what your problem is. I have seen you race and it looks to me as if you race off at the start really fast and use up all your energy and then you have nothing left. What you should do is pace yourselves and when all the other horses are tuckered, put in a spurt and you're sure to win. What do you think of that?".
     
The horses looked at one another and said "WOW, a talking dog!"

[Shammu]

How to Tell the Weather

To Tell the weather, Go to your back door and look for the dog.
     
If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.
     
If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.
     
If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.
     
Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.
     
Sincerely,
The CAT

[nChrist]

       Thanks, I needed those laughs.

[Shammu]

What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?
“Make me one with everything.”

You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees?
Because they’re really good at it.

What is red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.

Where does the General keep his armies?
In his sleep

[Shammu]

Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.
Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno.
But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.

Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol... ."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in Heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well, there is baseball in Heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."