Clean Jokes

[Shammu]

The Slap

In a train carriage there was Bill Clinton, George Bush, Janet Reno and Bo Derek. After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard.
     
When they leave the tunnel, Clinton has a big red slap mark on his cheek.
     
(1) Bo Derek thought - "That sleazeball Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on Janet Reno, who in turn must have slapped his face."
     
(2) Janet Reno thought - "That dirty Bill Clinton laid his hands on Bo Derek and she smacked him."
     
(3) Bill Clinton thought - "George put his hand on Bo Derek and by mistake she slapped me."
     
(4) George Bush thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again."

[Shammu]

The Liberal Democrat Way

Fifty thousand people go to a baseball game, but the game was rained out and a refund was due.
     
      The team was about to send out refunds when someone stopped them and suggested that they send out refund amounts based on the their interpretation of fairness. After all, if the refunds were made based on the price each person paid for the tickets, most of the money would go to the richest people.
     
Their plan says:
     
- People in the $10 seats will get back $15, because they had less money to spend.
     
- People in the $15 seats will get back $15, because that's only fair.
     
- People in the $25 seats will get back $1, because they already make a lot of money and don't need a refund.
     
- People in the $50 luxury seats will have to pay another $50, because they already have way too much money to spend.
     
- People driving by the stadium who couldn't afford to watch the game will get $10 each, even though they didn't pay anything in, just because they need the most help.

[Shammu]

Can I see President Obamanation

A man walks up to the Marine guard at the White House front gate and asked to see President Obamanation. The guard says "Sorry sir but the Obama is no longer president."
     
The man comes back the next day and again approaches the same guard and asks to see President Obamanation. Again the guard says "Sir, Obama is no longer president." The man leaves but comes back the third day and again asked to see President Obamanation.
     
The guard says "Sir...you have been here three days in a row asking to see President Obama. . . . . . and I have told you each time that Obama is no longer president...what gives?"
     
The man says "I know... I just like hearing Obamanation is not the President."

[Shammu]

A Busload of Politicians

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.
     
A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
     
The old farmer said he had buried them.
     
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"
     
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

[Shammu]

Help the United States

One night, President Obama was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Obama saw him and asked, "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"
     
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George.
     
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Obama asked.
     
"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom.
     
Obama didn't sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Obama asked.
     
"Go to the theater." 

[Shammu]

I hope everyone who is reading the jokes today has a Very Merry Christmas!! Also remember, Jesus is the reason for the season, for all the seasons on earth 

[nChrist]

      Thanks, I needed those laughs, but I particularly liked the last post. Yes, Jesus Christ should be the focus not just today but every day.

[Shammu]

     Thanks, I needed those laughs, but I particularly liked the last post. Yes, Jesus Christ should be the focus not just today but every day.

Amen brother!!

[Shammu]

Politics and Kittens

Al Gore is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box. Curious he runs over to the child and says, "What's in the box kid?"
     
The little boy says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens."
     
Al Gore laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?"
     
"Democrats," the child says. "Oh that's cute," Al Gore says and he runs off.
     
A couple of days later Al Gore is running with his buddy Bill Clinton and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead.
     
Al Gore says to Bill, "You gotta check this out" and they both jog over to the boy with the box.
     
Al Gore says, "Look in the box Bill, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey kid tell my friend Bill that kind of kittens they are."
     
The boy replies, "They're Republicans."
     
"Whoa!" Al Gore says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Democrats. What's up?"
     
"Well," the kid says, "Their eyes are open now."

[Shammu]

Locked Out

Two Washington politicians had locked themselves out of their car, and unfortunately some important papers they needed for a meeting were inside. "Let's use a coat hanger to pull up the lock," suggested the first.
     
"Oh, no," argued the second. "Someone might see us and think we were trying to break in."
     
"Then we could use my pocketknife to cut away the rubber around the window and stick our fingers through to pull up the lock."
     
"No, no! People would think we're too stupid to know how to use a coat hanger to open cars."
     
"Well, we'd better do something fast. The top's down and it's starting to rain."

[Shammu]

Letter to Heaven

A little boy wanted 100 dollars badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the money. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, they decided to send it to the President
     
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a 10 dollar bill. The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
     
The little boy was delighted with the money and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord, which read:
     
Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, and as usual, those jerks deducted 90%. Love, Tommy

[Shammu]

World Leaders

The President of the United States, the Prime Minister of England, and the Communist leader met and started discussing the dreams they had. The President of the U.S. said: "I dreamed that I was made President of the World."
     
The Prime Minister of England announced: "I dreamed I was made Prime Minister of the World."
     
The Communist leader cried: "That's funny. I have no recollection of appointing either of you!"

[Shammu]

Vote Democratic

Two opposing county chairman were sharing a rare moment together. The Democratic chairman said, "I never pass up a chance to promote the party. For example, whenever I take a cab, I give the driver a sizable tip and say, 'Vote Democratic.'"
     
His opponent said, "I have a better scheme, and it doesn't cost me a nickel. I don't give any tip at all. And when I leave, I also say, 'Vote Democratic.'"

[Shammu]

Garden of Eden

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking nude in the Garden of Eden.
     
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
     
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
     
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are definitely Russian."

[Shammu]

Obama Meets The Pope

During his visit to the United States the Pope met with President Obama. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Obama emerged to face the waiting news media. The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Obama declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family.
     
A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, discouraged and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure. Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, President Obama just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed".
     
Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments."