Clean Jokes

[Shammu]

Since I posted wives jokes, its only fair I post this:

Husbands' Quotes

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
     
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
     
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
     
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
     
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman................................
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.    
     
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
     
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "I wish I had your will power."
     
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
     
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
     
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
     
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
     
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
     
How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
     
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
     
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
     
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
     
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying.

[Shammu]

Getting a Day Off

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
     
"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

[Shammu]

A Penny for Your Thoughts

One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him.
     
As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, skepticism.
     
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.
     
"A penny for your thoughts," she said.
     
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."

[Shammu]

The FianceThe Fiance

A young woman brought her fiance home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told her father to find out about the young man.

The father invited the fiancee to his study for a talk. "So what are your plans?" the father asked the young man.
     
"I am a Biblical scholar," he replies.
     
"A Biblical scholar. Hmmm," the father said. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?"
     
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
     
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father.
     
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
     
"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"
     
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.
     
The conversation proceeded like this, and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
     
Later, the mother asked, "How did it go, Honey?" The father answered, "He has no job and no plans, and he thinks I'm God." 

[Shammu]

Husband Speak

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen." Really means....
"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."
     
"It's a guy thing." Really means....
There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
     
"Can I help with dinner?" Really means....
"Why isn't it already on the table?"
     
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really mean....
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.
     
"Good idea." Really means....
"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."
     
"Have you lost weight?" Really means....
"I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."
     
"My wife doesn't understand me." Really means....
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."
     
"It would take too long to explain." Really means....
"I have no idea how it works."
     
"I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means....
"The batteries in the remote are dead."
     
"I got a lot done." Really means....
"I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."
     
"We're going to be late." Really means....
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
     
"You cook just like my mother used to." Really means....
"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
     
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means....
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
     
"That's interesting, dear." Really means....
"Are you still talking?"
     
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means....
"I forgot our anniversary again."
     
"You expect too much of me." Really means....
"You want me to stay awake."
     
"It's a really good movie." Really means....
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars."
     
"That's women's work." Really means....
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

[Shammu]

Husband Speak Part 2

"Will you marry me?" Really means....
"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
     
"Go ask your mother." Really means....
"I am incapable of making a decision."
     
"I do help around the house." Really means....
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
     
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means....
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
     
"I can't find it." Really means....
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
     
"What did I do this time?" Really means....
"What did you catch me at?"
     
"She's one of those rabid feminists." Really means....
"She refused to make my coffee."
     
"I heard you." Really means....
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
     
"You know I could never love anyone else." Really means....
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
     
"You look terrific." Really means....
"Oh, lordy, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
     
"I brought you a present." Really means....
"It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."
     
"I missed you." Really means....
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
     
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means....
"No one will ever see us alive again."
     
"We share the housework." Really means....
"I make the messes, she cleans them up."
     
"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful." Really means....
"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"
     
"It sure snowed last night." Really means...
"I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."
     
"I don't need to read the instructions." Really means....
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant." Really means....
"This time we won't use the drive-thru window."

[Shammu]

The Perfect Husband

There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
     
"Hello?"
     
"Honey, It's me."
     
"Sugar!"
     
"Are you at the club?"
     
"Yes."
     
"Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
     
"What's the price?"
     
"Only $1,500.00"
     
"Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much..."
     
"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2019 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
     
"What price did he quote you?"
     
"Only $130,032..."
     
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
     
"Great!, before we hang up, something else..."
     
"What?"
     
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year ... it's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..." "How much are they asking?"
     
"Only $950,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..." "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $900,000. OK?"
     
"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
     
"Bye... I do too..."
     
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[Shammu]

Prognosis Not Good

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
     
1. "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood."
2. "At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work."
3. "For dinner, fix an especially nice meal and don't burden him with household chores."
4. "Satisfy his every whim."
     
On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said.
     
She replied "You're going to die."

[Shammu]

Maybe Next Time

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he said. "I'll do the next one."
     
The next time came around and she asked again.
     
The husband narrowed his eyes as he looked at his wife. "I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby." 

[Shammu]

Low Energy Problem

A man went to the doctor because he was concerned about his lessening level of energy. He told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
     
When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
     
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
     
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

[Shammu]

I Saw Nothing

One man was from England, one from France and one from Canada. They got acquainted and started talking about their wives. The guy from England began by saying: "I told my wife in no uncertain terms that from now on she would have to do her own cooking. Well, the first day after I told her, I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home from work, the table was set, a wonderful dinner was prepared... and even dessert."
     
Then the man from France spoke up: "I sat my wife down and told her that from now on she would have to do her own shopping, and also do the cleaning. The first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home, the whole house was spotless, and in the pantry the shelves were filled with groceries.
     
The fellow from Canada was married to an enlightened woman from the prairies... He sat up straight, pushed out his chest and said: "I gave my wife a stern look and told her that from now on she would have to do the cooking, shopping and housecleaning. Well the first day I saw nothing. The second day I still saw nothing. But on the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye.   

[Shammu]

Training for Husbands

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum?: You CAN Tell the Difference!
6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I
7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II
8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to Goodwill
15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts
16. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware
17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means
19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut or Taco Bell
20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure"Category
21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh
23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet
24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed
25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It

[Shammu]

You Were There

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
     
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I consider all that, I think you bring me bad luck!"   

[Shammu]

Perfume Purchase

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
     
She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.
     
"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.
     
"That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.
     
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
     
"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."
     
The clerk handed him a mirror.

[Shammu]

That Special Day

I bet you don't know what day this is", said the wife to her husband as he made his way out the front door. The husband was perplexed, but was always a quick thinker: "Of course I do, my dear. How could I forget!?" With that, he turned and rushed to catch the bus for work.
     
At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses.
     
At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.
     
The husband was smug when he returned from work, satisfied that he had recovered what could have been a very bad situation.
     
His wife was indeed surprised: "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed, "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"