Clean Jokes

[Shammu]

The Sandwich

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Redneck were doing construction work on the scaffolding of a tall building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
     
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too.
     
"The Redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
     
Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death.
     
The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too.
     
The Redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death as well.
     
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
     
The Mexican's wife also weeps and says,"I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.
     
"Everyone turned and stared at the Redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."

[Shammu]

A Redneck's Love Song

Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue
I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
     
Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.
     
You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.
     
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.
     
You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
     
On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.
     
Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,
What I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.
     
Like a good roll of duct tape  yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.
     
Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.
     
Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt,
You spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.
     
When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack, my life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.
     
Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.
     
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank
We go together like a skunk goes with stank.
     
Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.
     
Some men git roses on that special day from the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.
     
Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.
     
But for this man, honey, these won't do.
Cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you.
     
I got you a gift, without taste nor odor, more useful than diamonds...
It's a new troll'n motor!!

[Shammu]

Mountain Tech Talk

1. LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter.
2. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
3. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.
4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk.
5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.
6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.
7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.
9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it's cold outside.
11. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season.
12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.
13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
14. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.
15. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields.
16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife.
17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
18. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.
19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs.
20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.
21. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.
22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all"
24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.
25. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.

[Shammu]

In A Redneck Church

1. People ask, when Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
2. The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," and then five guys and two women stand up.
3. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
4. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
5. The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."
6. Boone's Farm "Tickle Pink" is the favorite wine for communion.
7. In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
8. Baptism is referred to as "branding".
9. There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.
10. Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.
11. High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
12. People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
13. The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, ya hear?" (banjo accompaniment optional)

[Shammu]

The Remedy

A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live. So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.
     
"What you should do is go out and buy a late '70 or early '80 model Dodge Pickup," said the Pastor. "Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house and put it halfway up a mountain."
     
The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"
     
"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever."

[Shammu]

Dirty-six Things A Redneck Won't Say

1. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"
2. "Duct tape won't fix that."
3. "Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken."
4. "We don't keep firearms in this house."
5. "You can't feed that to the dog."
6. "I thought Graceland was tacky."
7. "No kids in the back of the pickup...it's not safe."
8. "Professional wrasslin's fake."
9. "Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?"
10. "We're vegetarians."
11. "Do you think my hair is too big?"
12. "I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy."
13. "Honey, these bonsai trees need watering."
14. "I don't understand the appeal of NASCAR."
15. "Give me the small bag of pork rinds."
16. "Deer heads detract from the decor."
17. "Spitting is such a nasty habit."
18. "I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today."
19. "Trim the fat off that steak."
20. "Cappuccino tastes better than espresso."
21. "The tires on that truck are too big."
22. "I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad."
23. "I've got it all on a floppy disk."
24. "Unsweetened tea tastes better."
25. "Would you like your fish poached or broiled?"
26. "My fiance is registered at Tiffany's."
27. "I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl."
28. "She's too old to be wearing that bikini."
29. "Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?"
30. "Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen."
31. "I don't have a favorite college football team."
32. "Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side."
33. "I believe you cooked those green beans too long."
34. "Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla."
35. "Elvis who?"
36. "Checkmate."

[Shammu]

I Know Them All

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
     
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
     
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch! "
     
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
     
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
     
"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.
     
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
     
And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
     
After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
     
"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba.
     
"My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."
     
So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
     
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

[Shammu]

Car Crashes

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged a highly secret plan they had funded with the US auto makers for the past five years. The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
     
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Crud!"
     
Only the deep South was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, "Hey Y'all, watch this!"

[Shammu]

The Pig

This redneck was parked behind a trailer load of pigs near the zoo in Washington, DC. As the truck drove away--one of the pigs fell out. He walked over and picked the pig up and placed it in the front seat of his truck.
     
He was sitting there looking puzzled when a policeman walked up and asked what was going on. He told the story and the policeman recommended he take the pig to the zoo.
     
The redneck was sitting in the same spot the next day with the pig sitting up in the front seat. The cop said "didn't I ask you to take this pig to the zoo?"
     
The redneck replied "I did and he liked it so well--today I'm taking him to the movies!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Pig, also known to cause allergic reactions in muslims 

[Shammu]

The Mirror

An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people. One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy anything.
     
"Well, my wife ain't home, she's gone down to the crick to wash clothes, but lemme see what you got," said the man.
     
The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn't interested.
     
Then the man spotted a mirror and said, "What's that?"
     
Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said, "My gosh! How'd you get a picture of my Pappy?"
     
The old man was so happy he traded his wife's best pitcher for it. The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale.
     
The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk.
     
He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the "picture" and eventually the wife got suspicious.
     
One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn. She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said, "so this is the hussy he's been foolin' around with!"

[Shammu]

Fishing License

A couple of rednecks were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden.
     
Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden.
     
After about a half mile the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to him.
     
"Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!!" the Warden gasped.
     
With that, the fella pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.
     
"Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"
     
"Yes, sir," replied the young feller, "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one ..."

[Shammu]

Rights For Rednecks

1. You have the right to remain motionless, boy.
     
2. Should you decide to run, I shall direct my K-9 to chase you down to the ends of the earth to devour your backside.
     
3. You have the right to have your lawyer run with you. Should he refuse, a recent Law School graduate will be appointed by the court to jog along with you.
     
4. If while running, you suddenly decide to end the race, beware that my K-9 may or may not understand your intentions, and may continue his pursuit of you in full stride whereupon catching you he will devour your backside.
     
5. You may stop running at any time, at your own risk.
     
6. Good luck. On your mark, get set.... GO!!!!!   

[Shammu]

Etiquette

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys
2. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.
     
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.
     
THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
     
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a gotcha63bund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
     
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles - even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back a coffee.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
     
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
1. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. (It maybe your aunt La Belle)
2. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
3. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

[Shammu]

Redneck Medical Dictionary

Artery: The study of paintings.
Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria.
Barium: What to do when patients die.
Benign: What you be after you be eight.
Catscan: Hunting for Kitty.
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her.
Cesarean Section: A neighborhood in Rome.
Colic: A sheep dog.
Coma: A punctuation mark.
DandC: Where Washington is.
Dilate: To live long.
Enema: Not a friend.
Fester: Quicker than the other guy.
Fibula: A small lie.
Genital: Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series: World series of military baseball.
Hangnail: What you hang your coat on.
Impotent: Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain: Getting hurt at work.
Lower G.I.: Privates and Corporals.
Medical Staff: A Doctor's cane.
Morbid: A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates.
Node: Not a doubt.
Outpatient: A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear: A fatherhood test.
Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative: A letter carrier.
Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery.
Rectum: Darn near killed him.
Secretion: Hiding something.
Seizure: Roman emperor.
Tablet: A small table.
Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor: One more than one.
Urine: Opposite of you're out.
Upper G.I.: Colonels and Generals.
Varicose: Near by/close by.

[Shammu]

You're A Redneck Jedi If:

1. You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
2. Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
3. At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
4. You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
5. You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
6. The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
7. Wookies are offended by your B.O.
8. You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
9. Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
10. You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electroshock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
11. You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
12. Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
13. You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.