Laughter - Good Medicine

[nChrist]

These are real notes written by parents in a Tennessee school district...(spellings have been left intact.)

1 - My son is under  doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

2 - Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

3 - Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4 - Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

5 - Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6 - John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7 - Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8 - Meagan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9 - Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10 - Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11 - Please excuse pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre, dyrea, dreathe), the ***** [note: words in ()'s were crossed out]. (love it! :-))

12 - Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

13 - Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14 - Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. [you know, this could be legit! ;-)]

15 - I kept billie home because she had to go christmas shopping because i don't know shat size she wear.

16 - Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.

17 - Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18 - My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines. [i absolutely love that one!]

19 - Please excuse jason for being absne yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20 - Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21 - Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22 - Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23 - Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, theadache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids.

(Small Print:  OK, I'll put it all on the line with this one. If this one isn't a 4  , kick me out of the CU choir for a year.   Confidential - I can't carry a tune in a bucket anyway!)

[Soldier4Christ]

 


Brother, you should see the notes the Tennessee school teachers write then you would understand the reason the parents wrote that way.

[Shammu]

Women Drivers!!

This morning on the Deerfoot, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was half-way over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily, but she scared me so much:

I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned my entire lap, ruined the phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

WOW!...........WOMEN DRIVERS!!

(Small Print:  Whip me with wet noodles if this isn't worth at least a 3    rating)

Beps, if I was you, I would start running from the women on the forum.

[Shammu]

These are real notes written by parents in a Tennessee school district...(spellings have been left intact.)

(Small Print:  OK, I'll put it all on the line with this one. If this one isn't a 4  , kick me out of the CU choir for a year.   Confidential - I can't carry a tune in a bucket anyway!)

[Shammu]

Top ten signs that you are deprived of music

10- You play the "Brandenburg Concerto" on your car horn in the midst or ruch hour traffic

9-  You think you are in heaven when you hear your school band play.

8-  Do the breakdance whenever the national anthem is played.

7-  You scratch your finger nails across a black board when you're in the mood for opera.

6-  You can sing twinkle, twinkle little star in 10 different melodies

5-  You bring the guitar with you into the shower and sing

4-  You keep rebooting your computer to hear the start-up sound

3-  You hit your head accidentally and there is a ringing in your ears, which you find quite catchy.

2-  Mosquitos (hovering next to your ears) no longer annoy you so much.

1-  You start singing along, when someone's handphone ringtone goes off
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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says... "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You're singing it, aren't you?  Yeah, I know you are........)

Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!! 

[Shammu]

Forbidden Fish

A man was stopped by a game-warden in Northern Michigan recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden asked.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."

"OK. I've GOT to see this!" The game warden was curious, now. The man poured the fish in to the lake and stood and waited. After a several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"

"Well, What?" the man responded. "When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted.

"Call who back?" The man asked.

"The fish." replied the warden.

"What fish?" The man asked.
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Forrest Gump Goes to Heaven...

The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper.

Saint Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it s certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we ve been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Shore hope the test ain t too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest. But, the test I have for you is only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter  T ? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is God s first name?"

Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions.

Saint Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one, -how many days of the week begin with the letter  T ?" "Shucks, that one s easy; that d be Today and Tomorrow!"

The saint s eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That s not what I was thinking, but ... you do have a point though, and I guess I didn t specify, so I give you credit for that answer."

"How about the next one" says Saint Peter, "how many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one s harder," says Forrest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, Saint Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heaven s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second...."

"Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where you re going with it."

"And I guess I see your point, though that wasn t quite what I had in mind.

I ll give you credit for that one too."

"Let s go on with the next and final question," says Saint Peter, "Can you tell me God s first name?"

Forest says, "Well shore, I know God s first name. Everybody probly knows It s Howard."

"Howard?" asks Saint Peter. "What makes you think it s  Howard ?"

Forest answers, "It s in the prayer."

"The prayer?" asks Saint Peter, "Which prayer?"

"The Lord s Prayer," responds Forest: "Our Father, Who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name..."

[airIam2worship]

  BEP's I can speak Spanish and Italian; does that mean that my chances of suferring a heart attack are 50% less if I spoke English 50% less of the time??? 

[Soldier4Christ]

10. You can call "punctuated equilibrium" a scientific theory, then explain why scientific evidence for it cannot be found.

9. When a student tries to raise critical scientific questions of evolution in science class, you tell him he can only ask them in a course on comparative religions.

8. To show transitional forms in school textbooks, you just hire an artist to invent some (eg. Jazz Man by The Far Side below)

7. You can ignore Phillip Johnson's book "Defeating Darwinism - By Opening Minds" and write your own: "Defeating Creation & Intelligent Design - By Closing Minds".

6. You can refer to books by atheists Stephen Jay Gould and Richard Dawkins as "Holy Writ".

5. If in need of spare cash, rob a bank and call it "natural selection".

4. You get to cross out the word "God" and print "Hydrogen" at Genesis 1:1.
 

3. You get to use quotation marks around the word "scientists" when writing about creationists who received their Ph.D.'s from major universities.

2. To convince the public that "Lucy" [Australopithecus afarensis] was one of man's ancestors, you fashion perfectly formed human hands and feet (and a pensive look) on a statue of a primate.

And the number one cool thing about being an evolutionist is:

1. You don't have to make any distinction between fact and wild speculation.

[airIam2worship]

  if a person suffers from depression and is given anti-depressants, does that make the person ''pressed?"   

[airIam2worship]

  Why do all my posts show a little notepad and pencil? how do I get rid of it?

[Soldier4Christ]

That little pad with the pencil is for modifying your posts. If you click on it you can do a quick modify of your post.

[airIam2worship]

That little pad with the pencil is for modifying your posts. If you click on it you can do a quick modify of your post.

does it show all the time? I don't see it on yours or anyone else's post just on mine.

[Soldier4Christ]

It only shows on yours because you can only modify your posts. I don't see a way to take it off your posts. It is there for a quick means to change something that you have posted, correct mistakes or add to what you already posted. It is faster than using the modify button at the top right of your post.

[nChrist]

BEP's I can speak Spanish and Italian; does that mean that my chances of suffering a heart attack are 50% less if I spoke English 50% less of the time??? 

Hello Sister Maria,

   Yes, that's the way I understand this. However, I was just thinking back to what my English teacher told us back in high school: "This class doesn't know how to speak English." I don't know any foreign languages, but I might be safe anyway. 

[Soldier4Christ]

if a person suffers from depression and is given anti-depressants, does that make the person ''pressed?"   

Or maybe undepressed?