Laughter - Good Medicine

[nChrist]

Why do all my posts show a little notepad and pencil? how do I get rid of it?

Hello Sister Maria,

You just put a sticky note on that part of your computer screen. 

A more permanent fix would be white-out. 



(Small Print:  Running - Is anyone chasing me?)

[Shammu]

Hello Sister Maria,

You just put a sticky note on that part of your computer screen. 

A more permanent fix would be white-out. 



(Small Print:  Running - Is anyone chasing me?)

Yes


So you better start RUNNING!

[Willowbirch]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
 
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?  she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and
 handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
 
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
 "Okay,  you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

[Willowbirch]

Forrest Gump Goes to Heaven...

The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

Finally, eh? 

[Willowbirch]

Hello Sister Maria,

You just put a sticky note on that part of your computer screen. 

A more permanent fix would be white-out. 

[Soldier4Christ]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
 
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?  she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and
 handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
 
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
 "Okay,  you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

    

[Willowbirch]

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.



2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,
but don't start anything."



3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.



4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.



5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."



6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the  other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"



7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of  Home.'"
..."That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "But Doc, Is this common?"
...Well, "It's Not Unusual."



8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.



9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
look at either.



10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.



11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.



12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"



13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.



14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.



15.  Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.



16. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open
foyer."



17. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.  One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon
receiving the picture, she tells her husband  that she wishes she also
had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins!  If you've
seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."



18. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath.

As a result, all of this made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's
good)....
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.



19. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to
his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them
laugh.

No pun in ten did.

[Shammu]

A girl walked into an icecream shop and said, "I'll have a pint of chocolate icecream, a pint of vanilla icecream, and a pint of strawberry."
The clerk replied back, "We have chocolate and vanilla icecream but we don't have strawberry."
"OK," she said. "The I will have a gallon of chocolate, a gallon of vanilla, and a gallon of . . . . . . strawberry."
The clerk said back, "I'm telling you that we do not have any strawberry icecream right now."
"Fine," she said. "So I'll have a scoop of chocolate, a scoop of vanilla, and . . . a scoop . . . of . . . strawberry."
The man asked her, "how do you pell the CHOC in choccolate?"
"c-h-o-c"
"How do you spell the VAN in vanilla?"
"v-a-n. Why?"
"And do you know how to spell the FREAK in strawberry?"
"There is no freak in strawwberry," said the girl.
"That is what I have been trying to tell you," the clerk said. "There is no freakin' strawberry!!!"
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

The Barking Dog

Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at 4:44am by his telephone.

"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice.

Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.

The next morning at precisely 4:44am, Bernard called his neighbor back.

"Good morning, Mr. Williams. I just called to say that I don't have a dog."
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Teenage Phrase        --        English Translation

I Love You           --         I want Ten Dollars

Get Real         --             Are you Sure?

We're Just Friends    --    We've been together for over six months

I'm Sorry     --                 I'll get you back for that

I'm just tired  --              I snuck out to see a midnight movie
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A blonde mother was shopping for school supplies for her son. She bought a box of pencils and began looking for a sharpener in which they would fit. No matter how hard she looked she couldn't find one. So she walked up to the clerk, and asked if he knew where she could find a sharpener of the right size. He said that there weren't any. The blonde began yelling at the clerk. "Your store says that it has everything a child needs for school. I could sue you for false advertising." "It's not the stores fault." said the clerk. "Why?" asked the blonde. "Because they don't make sharpeners for mechanical pencils.

[Soldier4Christ]

Teenage Phrase                    English Translation

I'll get you back for that       Buy me a soda now and I'll repay you later

[airIam2worship]

Yes


So you better start RUNNING!

[airIam2worship]

GW is checking and he dosen't see anyone chasing ya, at least not from where he's at
 

[Soldier4Christ]

GW is checking and he dosen't see anyone chasing ya, at least not from where he's at

It looks like you are, Sister Maria and you're coming up on him pretty fast.

[Shammu]

GW is checking and he dosen't see anyone chasing ya, at least not from where he's at
 

Only because the cover is on the lens.

[Soldier4Christ]

Only because the cover is on the lens.

It's easier to see the Kaleidoscope shapes that way.

 

[Shammu]

Ways to mess with peoples' head

that gie cant spel wirth a cruud

Tell jokes that don't make any sense and laugh hysterically.

If ur a hairy redneck guy, go to a barber shop, take your shirt off, spin around and say, "A little off the back, please."

Go to yo McDonalds and ask, "Do y'all have eatable food?"

At meetings often get excited and put your hand up to the next guy and say "high five!"

Go to a concert and scream out the names of songs sang by other bands.

When in a car, smile and wave to random people and when they wave back make funny faces.

When they leave, whisper "I love you" as the doors close.

If you are the boss of a company, wear a black cape and top hat and make them call you "Maestro". If they don't, then bannish them to "the dungeon."

When you get on an elevator, move to an empty space and begin telling your imaginary "friend" to shut up and to leave you alone. Continue to get louder until everyone get's off.

Go into an elevator and start dancing to the awesome music, then get everyone to join!

When you get on an elevator, save a little space next to you and if someone gets in it, say,"HEY, YOUR STEPPIN ON ROGER!!(or some other name for an invisible friend)

When you get into an elevator, press all of the buttons, then run on and off at each stop. Either that, or press all the buttons, then run up stairs, or use another elevator, whichever is avalable, and run up them fast. If there is anyone else in the elevator, after each floor ask if they missed you.

In a public bathroom, put peanut butter in a sheet of toilet paper and throw it under the stall...say to your neighbor..can you kick that back over here please.

Also a public bathroom, anytime someone makes a flatulent noise...clap and cheer loudly!