Laughter - Good Medicine

[Soldier4Christ]

Okay, yes it is a little bit of a groaner.

Little bit?

[Shammu]

Speaking of fires: NOTE!; I do not condone the actions of either man nor mouse in this story; I do see a bit of poetic justice, though.

Mouse Thrown Into Fire Sets Home Ablaze
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Jan 8, 4:19 PM (ET)

FORT SUMNER, N.M. (AP) - A mouse got its revenge against a homeowner who tried to dispose of it in a pile of burning leaves. The blazing creature ran back to the man's house and set it on fire.

Luciano Mares, 81, of Fort Sumner said he caught the mouse inside his house and wanted to get rid of it.

"I had some leaves burning outside, so I threw it in the fire, and the mouse was on fire and ran back at the house," Mares said from a motel room Saturday.

Village Fire Chief Juan Chavez said the burning mouse ran to just beneath a window, and the flames spread up from there and throughout the house.

No was hurt inside, but the home and everything in it was destroyed.

Unseasonably dry and windy conditions have charred more than 53,000 acres and destroyed 10 homes in southeastern New Mexico in recent weeks.

"I've seen numerous house fires," village Fire Department Capt. Jim Lyssy said, "but nothing as unique as this one."

Mouse thrown in fire, sets house ablaze

[airIam2worship]

Dreamweaver,

        Brother, I did groan just a little bit on the last one, but the "Clean Things To Do In Public Places" was a HOOT!

Yeah, especially #35 !!!!!!!!

[Shammu]

Gotta love the Irish...

This is the transcription of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the British and the Irish off the coast of Kerry , Ireland October 1998. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-98.

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

IRISH: Negative. I say again, you will have to divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITANNIA! THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. DEMAND YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

IRISH: We are a lighthouse................Your Call.

[nChrist]

UH???  I don't get it - the people were a lighthouse???

Let me think about that, and I'll get back with you. Just kidding - Good One!

[sincereheart]

I know "evolution" is a taboo subject!  Just don't tell the mods! 

The Monkey's Disgrace.....author unknown

Three monkeys sat in a coconut tree,
Discussing things that are said to be;
Said one to the others, "Now listen you two,
There's a certain rumor that can't be true:
That man descended from our noble race,
The very idea is a disgrace!

"No monkey ever deserted his wife,
Starved her babies, and ruined her life;
And you've never known a mother monk,
To leave her babies with others to bunk,
Or pass them on from one to the other,
Till they scarcely know who is their mother.

"And another thing you'll never see,
A monk build a fence round a coconut tree,
And let the coconuts go to waste,
Forbidding all other monks to taste;
Why, if I put a fence around a tree,
Starvation will force you to steal from me!

"Here's another thing a monk won't do:
Go out at night and get in a stew,
Or use a gun, a club or a knife,
To take some other dumb monkey's life!
Yes, man descended, the ornery cuss,
but, brother, he didn't descend from us!"
 
 

[Shammu]

Just cut your hair first
A young man comes home and says "Dad, just got my driver's license and would like to use the family car."

Father replies, :"O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then we'll see."

Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. "Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I've been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?"

Father replies, "That's all true, but son you didn't cut your hair."

Son says, "But, dad, Jesus had long hair."

Father replies, "Yes, son, you're perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he went."
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Just to be a little different......

Murphys Laws

Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

You will always find something in the last place you look.

No matter how long or how hard you shop for an item, after you've bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.

The other line always moves faster.

In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it.

Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost you more than you thought.

If you fool around with a thing for very long you will screw it up.

If it jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman, it will work perfectly.

Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it.

Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.

In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level of incompetence, and then remains there.

There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over.

When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.

Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.

Murphy's golden rule: whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.

A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.

In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.

Never argue with a fool, people might not know the difference.

[sincereheart]

Church Gossip:

Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know that he was an alcoholic. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George, quietly parked his pickup in front of Sarah's house...............

AND he left it there all night.
 

[Shammu]

O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Laws

Murphy was an optimist.

Ginsberg's Theorems

   1. You can't win.
   2. You can't break even.
   3. You can't even quit the game.

Forsyth's Second Corollary to Murphy's Laws

Just when you see the light at the end of the tunnel, the roof caves in.
Weiler's Law
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

The Laws of Computer Programming

   1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
   2. Any given program costs more and takes longer each time it is run.
   3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
   4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
   5. Any given program will expand to fill all the available memory.
   6. The value of a program is inversely proportional to the weight of its output.
   7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.

Pierce's Law

In any computer system, the machine will always misinterpret, misconstrue, misprint, or not evaluate any math or subroutines or fail to print any output on at least the first run through.

Corollary to Pierce's Law

When a compiler accepts a program without error on the first run, the program will not yield the desired output.
Addition to Murphy's Laws
In nature, nothing is ever right. Therefore, if everything is going right ... something is wrong.
Brook's Law
If at first you don't succeed, transform your data set!
Grosch's Law
Computing power increases as the square of the cost.
Golub's Laws of Computerdom

   1. Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs.
   2. A carelessly planned project takes three times longer to complete than expected; a carefully planned project takes only twice as long.
   3. The effort required to correct course increases geometrically with time.
   4. Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress.

Osborn's Law
Variables won't; constants aren't.

[Soldier4Christ]

I know "evolution" is a taboo subject!  Just don't tell the mods! 

The Monkey's Disgrace.....author unknown

Three monkeys sat in a coconut tree,
Discussing things that are said to be;
Said one to the others, "Now listen you two,
There's a certain rumor that can't be true:
That man descended from our noble race,
The very idea is a disgrace!

"No monkey ever deserted his wife,
Starved her babies, and ruined her life;
And you've never known a mother monk,
To leave her babies with others to bunk,
Or pass them on from one to the other,
Till they scarcely know who is their mother.

"And another thing you'll never see,
A monk build a fence round a coconut tree,
And let the coconuts go to waste,
Forbidding all other monks to taste;
Why, if I put a fence around a tree,
Starvation will force you to steal from me!

"Here's another thing a monk won't do:
Go out at night and get in a stew,
Or use a gun, a club or a knife,
To take some other dumb monkey's life!
Yes, man descended, the ornery cuss,
but, brother, he didn't descend from us!"
 
 

Oo ... Ooo ... I'm gonna tell a moderator.

Wait a minute I am a moderator.

 

(Sister the support of evolution is a taboo subject. Tearing it apart is not.)

And that was funny.

[Shammu]

Gilb's Laws of Unreliability

   1. Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
   2. Any system that depends upon human reliability is unreliable.
   3. Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.
   4. Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done.

Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology
There's always one more bug.
Troutman's Postulate

   1. Profanity *@%**@#%@ is the one language understood by all programmers.
   2. Not until a program has been in production for six months will the most harmful error be discovered.
   3. Job control cards that positively cannot be arranged in improper order will be.
   4. Interchangeable tapes won't.
   5. If the input editor has been designed to reject all bad input, an ingenious idiot will discover a method to get bad data past it.
   6. If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent systems will malfunction.

Weinberg's Second Law
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
Gumperson's Law
The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.
Gummidge's Law
The amount of expertise varies in inverse ratio to the number of statements understood by the general public.
Zymurgy's First Law of Evolving System Dynamics
Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a larger can (old worms never die, they just worm their way into larger cans).
Harvard's Law, as Applied to Computers
Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity and other variables, the computer will do as it damn well pleases.
Sattinger's Law
It works better if you plug it in.
Jenkinson's Law
It won't work.

[Shammu]

Horner's Five Thumb Postulate
Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
Cheop's Law
Nothing ever gets build on schedule or within budget.
Rule of Accuracy
When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.
Zymurg's Seventh Exception to Murphy's Law
When it rains, it pours.
Pudder's Laws

   1. Anything that begins well ends badly.
   2. Anything that begins badly ends worse.

Westheimer's Rule
To estimate the time it takes to do a task: estimate the time you think it should take, multiply by two and change the unit of measure to the next highest unit. Thus, we allocate two days for a one hour task.
Stockmayer's Theorem
If it looks easy, it's tough. If it looks tough, it's darn near impossible.
Atwoods Corollary
No books are lost by lending except those you particularly wanted to keep.
Johnson's Third Law
If you miss one issue of any magazine, it will be the issue that contains the article, story or installment you were most anxious to read.
Corollary to Johnson's Third Law
All of your friends either missed it, lost it or threw it out.
Harper's Magazine Law
You never find the article until you replace it.
Brooke's Law
Adding manpower to a late software makes it later.
Finagle's Fourth Law
Once a job is fooled up, anything done to improve it will only make it worse.
Featherkile's Rule
Whatever you did, that's what you planned.
Flap's Law
Any inanimate object, regardless of its position, configuration or purpose, may be expected to perform at any time in a totally unexpected manner for reasons that are either entirely obscure or else completely mysterious.

[airIam2worship]

one more law:
You can keep it for years and never need it, but throw it away and the next day you'll need it.
Don't know whose law that was but it never fails.   

[Willowbirch]

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches there than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed. Since they get chips from so many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
 
 


This is done by the chip monks. 

[airIam2worship]

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches there than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed. Since they get chips from so many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
 
 


This is done by the chip monks. 

ROFL