A husband and wife stepped up to view the body of his mother-in-law. As he began to cry, his wife punched him and said: Why are you crying, you never liked my mother anyway. I know he replied, I thought I saw her move!
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A German, an American, and a Mexican are traveling in the Amazon, and they get captured.
The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"
The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times.
When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.
The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?"
"I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.
"What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American. He responds, "I'll take the Mexican."
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This one, may be pushing it....
A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops in a bar for a beer.
As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says, "You smell kind of nerdy, and just what do you do for a living?"
The truck driver says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling."
The bartender says, "OK, truck drivers are not nerds," and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long.
The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
The truck driver asks, "Why did you do that?"
The bartender said, "Oh, don't worry, the nerds are over-populating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license."
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, And heads back onto the freeway.
Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway.
He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.
He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
"Sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."
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10 Signs Your Amish Teen's In Trouble10 Sometimes stays in bed till after 6 am.
9 In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8 Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.
7 When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou meaneth!"
6 His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
5 Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to disco!."
4 You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.
3 Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."
2 Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.
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You Know You're Out Of College When Your salary is less than your tuition.
Your potted plants stay alive.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
You have to pay your own credit card bill.
Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
8:00a.m. is not early.
You have to file for your own taxes.
You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
You're not carded anymore.
You carry an umbrella.
"Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
"Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid, and not married.
Your friends marry instead of hook-up, and divorce instead of break-up.
You start watching the weather channel.
Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
You go to parties that the police don't raid.
You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.
Your car insurance goes down.
You refer to college students as kids.
Okay, now I'll duck, from y'all.
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