Laughter - Good Medicine

[Shammu]

Hospital Humor

Things You Don't Want To Hear During a Surgery
 

- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

- Hand me that... uh... whatever it's called !

- Oh no! I just lost my watch.

- "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

- Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

- Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?

- There go the lights again...

- Ya' know... there's big money in kidneys... and this guy's got two of 'em.

- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

- Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.

- What's this doing here?

- I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

- That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

-You sure it wasn't this leg?

- OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

- Are his relatives waiting outside?

- Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

- Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

- What do you mean, "You want a divorce"!

- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

- This scissor looks rusted.

- Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

- Isn't this the one with the really lousy insurance?

- Now from where did this spider come in from.

[Shammu]

Little Jonny Strikes

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
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Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?"
Little Johnny's father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right."

"That's okay," replied Little Johnny, "You could at least give it a try, couldn't you?
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Mom, Why Did You Name Me...

There was a family going on a road trip. There was 2 girls and 1 boy and the first girl asks, "Mom, why did you name me Rose?" The mom replied, "Well honey...when you were born a rose fell on your head and we decided to name you Rose." The second girl asks,"Why did you name me Daisy?" The mom replies, "When you were born, a daisy fell on your head and we decided to name you Daisy." The boy says, "Mhgek mgha!" The mom replies, "Shut-up Cinderblock!"
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Top Ten Things To Say About A Christmas Gift You Don't Like

10. Hey! There's a gift!

9. Well, well, well ...

8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.

7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.

6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.

5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

4. I love it -- but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.

2. To think -- I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

And the Number One Thing to say about a Christmas gift you don't like:

1. "I really don't deserve this."

[Shammu]

I may have posted this one before, but I like it. ;D
Good Kitty Goes to Heaven

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."

The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors." God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.

The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says, 'Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"

The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on wheels you've been sending over are the best!"
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Why did the cows go to church?

They heard there was a new pasture!
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This comes from Iris Rachel Stevenson, who answered thousands of IRS-directed questions from an often-confused public. She kept a special list of the strangest of these calls.

Caller: I want to know if I should file married or single.
IRS: Are you married?
Caller: Well, sort of ...
IRS: What?
Caller: Well, we did get married, but we're not counting on it.

Caller: I got a letter from you guys and I want to know what you want.
IRS: What does it say?
Caller: Just a minute, I'll open it.

Caller: I'm a bookkeeper and I need to know if ten $100 bills make a thousand dollars or only ten hundred dollars.
IRS: Both. It's the same amount.
Caller: So why do I get a different answer every time I move the decimal point?

Caller: What does the law say about people who are renting to relatives and taking a loss on the property?
IRS: You are required to charge them fair market value.
Caller: It's very fair. If we rented to someone else we could get a lot more.

Caller: Could you please send me some of those WD-40's?
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You know you're crazy when....

1.You start counting the hairs on your palm, (I think I've found 4 smileys.)

2.You demolish your car just to see if it still works.

3.You talk to the wall and you actually think it responds.

4.You invite your friends over just so you can say hi.

5.You call yourself just to make sure you're OK.

6.You jump around and scream for absolutely no reason.

7.You construct a 5 foot tower made completely of Lego bricks just to see how fast you can take it down again.

8.Your boss wants to sponsor you a paid-for 3 year vacation and you reject him.

9.You spend 10 years making a time machine just to save yourself from one minute of work.

10.You spend your whole day thinking of what to write in this list.

[nChrist]

Hospital Humor

Things You Don't Want To Hear During a Surgery
 

- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

- Hand me that... uh... whatever it's called !

- Oh no! I just lost my watch.

- "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

- Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

- Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?

- There go the lights again...

- Ya' know... there's big money in kidneys... and this guy's got two of 'em.

- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

- Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.

- What's this doing here?

- I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

- That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

-You sure it wasn't this leg?

- OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

- Are his relatives waiting outside?

- Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

- Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

- What do you mean, "You want a divorce"!

- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

- This scissor looks rusted.

- Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

- Isn't this the one with the really lousy insurance?

- Now from where did this spider come in from.

          ROFL! - This one is a collectors item.

Thanks!

[airIam2worship]

I pity those who have read this and are schduled for surgery...  

[Soldier4Christ]

Why is it that if someone tells people evolution is true they believe them, but if they tell them a wall has wet paint, they will have to touch it to be sure?

 If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen are defrocked,
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted,
musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models
deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners
depressed?


If a pig loses it's voice, is it disgruntled?

[airIam2worship]

Why is it that if someone tells people evolution is true they believe them, but if they tell them a wall has wet paint, they will have to touch it to be sure?

 If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen are defrocked,
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted,
musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models
deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners
depressed?


If a pig loses it's voice, is it disgruntled?

PR, what would a bartender be if he got fired? would he be disbarred too (if he was than I guess you could say they have something in common with lawyers)? Or would he be untended, or barred?
What about an airline pilot if he lost his flying license would he be grounded?

[Soldier4Christ]

What about an airline pilot if he lost his flying license would he be grounded?

lol  ....   that is the term that is used.

what would a bartender be if he got fired? would he be disbarred too (if he was than I guess you could say they have something in common with lawyers)

They don't have anything in common? Wow ...  have I been fooled?

[airIam2worship]

What about an airline pilot if he lost his flying license would he be grounded?

lol  ....   that is the term that is used.

what would a bartender be if he got fired? would he be disbarred too (if he was than I guess you could say they have something in common with lawyers)

They don't have anything in common? Wow ...  have I been fooled?

[Shammu]

The Life of a Mechanic

A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, "Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care."

"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month."

---------------------------------------------------------------

An auto mechanic received a repair order that said to check for a clunking noise when going around corners.

He took the car out for a test drive and made two right turns, each time hearing a loud clunk.

Back at the shop, he returned the car to the service manager with this note: "Removed bowling ball from trunk."

------------------------------------------------------------

A well'known doctor was taking a walk. He passed a carshop. A mechniac inside recognized him n decided 2 have sum fun wit him.

He called out- Hey u fancy docter. Me n yours jobs r pretty much the same thing. We take out parts n put them 2gether n make them run again. Y is it that u get the mote money n praise?

The docter replied ..

READY?

Y dont u try doing all that w/the motor running?

-------------------------------------------------------------

Two Italian Guys Ae Driving Through Texas...

Two Italian guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick.

The driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that?

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."

Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true." The passenger says, "Huh?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that guy would've tried that mess with me!

[Shammu]

How various people search for a wife


Fisherman
Wife wanted, must be able to dig, clean, cook worms and clean fish. Must have own boat with motor. Please send photograph of motorboat.

Salesman
Once in a lifetime offer, to get yourself the original, genuine article. One of the most handsome and smartest bachelor's around is now looking for a wife. And you could be the lucky one he chooses! Has own house, car and successful career!

Economist
I am in demand of a wife. Supply is great though my requirements are high. However the Elasticity of my demands should not bear too heavy a burden upon the national interest.

Mathematician
Wife required to complete the formula of my life. Must be numerate and understand complex algebraic logarithms. Needed to help further my family unit.

IT Consultant
Well there is definite room for improvement in my life. The speed of my current flows of information and processes is slowing down and the injection of a wife into my life is bound to improve efficiency. Compatibility could be an issue.

Businessman
Wife wanted for company.

Politician
I feel there is a need in this world, to improve the ways we live, to harmonize the processes of life and to build upon past differences and short comings. I believe that we the people need someone to share our lives. To feel the joys of parent hood, and bear the social responsibilities, as we should in a civilized society................. (etc etc and never getting to the point)

Car Dealer
Wanted a sturdy, reliable, low depreciating wife. Should be in excellent working condition.

Farmer
Wanted a wife from good stock. Required for planting flower in my life.

Lawyer
I hereby propose to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of wife after marriage. The person whom I'm looking for should be strictly -a girl. The girl should be strictly a girl, with evidence to support this view that she is a girl. The girl should be willing to surrender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord i.e. Myself.

Any objections would be overruled and will not be sustained. Apply in limited confidence as all liabilities are null and void in the event of failure on our part of any kind whatsoever.

Pilot
Wife required to complete my life. Please only level headed applicants. She must not have her heads in the clouds, but have her feet firmly on the ground. Her heart must be in it for the long haul. And she absolutely must also be aerodynamically sound!!!

Banker
Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service.


Accountant
Required a girl - 5'8' & 36' 24' 36' with a good head for figures. She must be averse to making unnecessary expenditure and her very nature should be one of generating as few expenses in my life as possible. She should profit from a nice personality and be a credit to her family.


Minicab Driver
Hello! Hello! number 9 calling. This is number 9 I'm calling from base, erm a wife is needed for pick me up. Driving license not necessary, but map reading skills are a bonus.


Builder
Wanted a wife to help build upon the foundations of my life. Must be homely and willing to build relationship from the ground up.

Doctor
I am looking for a wife to cure the emptiness in my life. However if you feel the need for a second opinion then it's fine by me.


Army Commando
My mission in life is to find myself the perfect wife. Successful applicants must be able to use a penknife and a compass. She who dares wins. Camouflage provided.

RaceCar Driver
A model wife required to fit in with my fast track life. Must be able to keep pace!

Astronaut
I'm searching for a wife to fill the space in my life. Someone to share my universe. Must have looks that are out of this world!

[Shammu]

Fun with telemarketers

1 Tell them to talk very SLOWLY  because you want to write down every thing they say

2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy, Leon  playing a joke 'come on Leon, cut it out! "seriosly leon how is your mother?"

3. After they say there pitch ask them to marry you when they get all flustered tell them you could never give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

4. If they say their name say oh (their name) its been so ong then pause for them to think were they could know you from.

5. When they ask how you are tell them! in detail 'oh horribel! no one seems to care my dog died my arthritis is athritis is acting up...

6. Constantly correct them on how to say your name even if its Smith.

[Shammu]

Understanding Women's Vocabulary
From a man's point of view!

For understanding women's vocab...
Every Guy RECOMMENDED to keep this mini-dictionary handy (incase still you fail to understand, (please)x4, wear a crash helmet before approaching a women !!.. Lol..

Definitions and Explanations:-

"Fine"
This is the word they use at the end of any argument that they feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use "Fine" to describe how a  woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

"Five Minutes"
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so they feel that it's an even trade.

"Nothing"
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

"Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

"Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

"Loud Sigh"
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very Misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

"Soft Sigh"
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some of us guys actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

"Oh"
This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night". If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.

"That's Okay"
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

"Please Do"
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

"Thanks"
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say "you're welcome".  

"Thanks A Lot"
This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing!" Run, do not walk, do not look behind you, RUN to the nearest exit.
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Okay, now I am running out of the forum, before any of our sisters see this thread!

[airIam2worship]

Understanding Women's Vocabulary
From a man's point of view!

For understanding women's vocab...
Every Guy RECOMMENDED to keep this mini-dictionary handy (incase still you fail to understand, (please)x4, wear a crash helmet before approaching a women !!.. Lol..

Definitions and Explanations:-

"Fine"
This is the word they use at the end of any argument that they feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use "Fine" to describe how a  woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

"Five Minutes"
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so they feel that it's an even trade.

"Nothing"
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

"Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

"Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

"Loud Sigh"
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very Misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

"Soft Sigh"
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some of us guys actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

"Oh"
This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night". If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.

"That's Okay"
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

"Please Do"
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

"Thanks"
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say "you're welcome".  

"Thanks A Lot"
This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing!" Run, do not walk, do not look behind you, RUN to the nearest exit.
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Okay, now I am running out of the forum, before any of our sisters see this thread!

 
Actually I think this is really going to help my husband stay out of trouble a lot.
see he hasn't figured out yet that when I am really mad and not talking to him he shouldn't keep asking me 'what's wrong', especially when he asked tw :)o seconds ago and I said 'NOTHING', with icicles hanging of each letter and ice crystals forming on his eyeglasses. So Thanks
Maria

[nChrist]

        ROFL! - Thanks, I needed these laughs, and I thought the ones about a woman's vocabulary were great. I've learned to just go to my room before my wife tells me to go to my room.