Laughter - Good Medicine

[Shammu]

      ROFL! - Thanks, I needed these laughs, and I thought the ones about a woman's vocabulary were great. I've learned to just go to my room before my wife tells me to go to my room.  

[Shammu]

Father's Day Chuurch Bulletin Bloopers

For Father's Day each father present was given a pine tree or apple tree seedling to be planted along with his children.

The Lord commanded Peter to Feed my sleep. ----John Widener

"Help blow up and decorate the church with balloons on Easter morning. Meet at 7:30 am to help. Won't take long!" -- Ron Owens proud member of St.Bartholomew's, NYC

Please be in prayer for Jim and Judy, their baby daughter was born 9 months premature.

The Women's Missionary Union will meet the first yesterday in January.

Sunday we'll have a special day to honor our youngsters for their schoolarship.

Don't forget the churchwide picnic the first Saturday in April. There'll be plenty of activities for the white family.

Correction: Our note about the churchwide picnic in last week's newsletter said "white" family. It should have read "There'll be plenty of activities for the hole family."

The Rev. Dr. Albert Jones, our featured speaker for the breakfast, also blessed and blessed and blessed and blessed the meal.

Women on Missions (WOMS) will meet Thursday at noon. Childhood will be provided in the nursery.

The scholarship committee is accepting applications for church members attending a Baptist affiliated college this fall. Applications and guidelines are available in the vestibule. The Appalachians should be submitted by July 1st.

We will vote on six new deacons next Sunday. The following ordained men have agreed to serve if elated.

Jennifer Little, who attends the Singles class, shared with me that she is walking in the 2003 Multiple Sclerosis walk-a thong. Let's support her effort. --Gaye

Dr. Grimes was the featured speaker for the Seniors Group. He noted that you can often avoid those usual winter colds if you avoid fatigue, loss of sleep and over-creating.

The Pastor is a member of the Lions Club and co-chair of the county fair board this year. He urges everyone to attend and support this important community fundraising event and join him in working to have a successful affair. -- Sharon May

You're invited to join the Sunset Club, our church seniors group. Activities include community singing, dancing, dramatic efforts, and table games. The group is composed solely of participanting members.

Gams were enjoyed by the Young Marrieds Class at the home of Clifford and Martha Jackman.

Members of the Senior's Breakfast Club stretched and strained Thursday morning as Swan Johnson, local physical therapist, demonstrated several exercises during the club meeting. There will be no meeting next week.

The bride-elect was showered with pieces of her chosen china. -- Jay Leno

The Halloween Alternative Festival will be from 6:00 p.m. to 9:30 Thursday. No costumes will be permitted. -- Randy W.

Please take note that the item in last weeks newsletter about the Halloween Alternative Festival should have read, "No scary or  f rightening costumes will be permitted."

The singles group will be participating in the Relay for Life next Friday to raise money for cancer research. The walk starts at 7:00 p.m. with the luminary at 9:30. Walkers please remember to bring a pair of heavy rocks and comfortable walking shoes. - Gerl

Remember the annual spring cleaning of the Singles Ministry Building this Saturday. We need lots of singles to volunteer for the work crew. We have a long list of items to be cleaned. The widows need extra attention. ---Kiri Hyatt

The Easter Egg Hunt will be Saturday from 10:00 to 10:03 a.m. on the rear lawn. Bring your kids and plan to stay or the fun. ---J. McKinney

[Shammu]

Theme Songs for Characters in the Bible

Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"

Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"

Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"

Esther: "I Feel Pretty"

Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"

Moses: "The Wanderer"

Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"

Samson: "Hair"

Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"

Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"

Joshua: "Good Vibrations"

Peter: "I'm Sorry"

Esau: "Born To Be Wild"

Jeremiah: "Take This Job and Shove It"

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"

The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"

Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"

Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"

Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"

Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"

[Shammu]

Food and Health

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's.

And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger.

And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"

And Man said, "Supersize them." And Man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth chocolate. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And Satan brought forth ice cream. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.

And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them.

And he created sour cream dip also.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.

And Satan saw and said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMO's  

[airIam2worship]

Theme Songs for Characters in the Bible

Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"

Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"

Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"

Esther: "I Feel Pretty"

Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"

Moses: "The Wanderer"

Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"

Samson: "Hair"

Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"

Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"

Joshua: "Good Vibrations"

Peter: "I'm Sorry"

Esau: "Born To Be Wild"

Jeremiah: "Take This Job and Shove It"

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"

The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"

Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"

Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"

Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"

Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"

DW there, nothing like a belly rolling laugh over your first cup of coffee. I almost choked on my coffee reading this, I still have tears in my eyes from this one.
Thanks, what a great way to start the day, my stomach hurts from laughing, I almost choked, and my eyes are tearing, but I am happy...

[airIam2worship]

Father's Day Chuurch Bulletin Bloopers

The Rev. Dr. Albert Jones, our featured speaker for the breakfast, also blessed and blessed and blessed and blessed the meal.

Who did the cooking???

[Shammu]

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say

10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.
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Things hings You'll Never Hear a Mom Say

"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"

3. "Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery"

"Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"

"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"

"Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."

"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."

"I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve"

"Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"
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Healthy Insanity

At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down. Then wear a cowboy hat and try again exclaim

Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in"

Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

Dont use any punctuation marks

As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

Sing along at the opera.

Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" "3rd time this week!!!!!"

When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

Tell your children over dinner. "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

[Shammu]

Here are some fun things to do in a public library if you get bored there...

* Act like you're picking your nose. And eating it.
* Announce the page number each time you turn a page.
* Ask him/her if he/she knew there are eddies in the space/time continuum.
* Ask him/her what species he/she is.
* Ask them what their name is, and then when they start to reply, cut them off by saying, "No it isn't!"
* Ask them, "Got milk?"
* Ask them, "Have you ever had an orange juice bath?" When they look at you strangely, say, "What?"
* Break the silence by making a bodily function noise, then say, "Wow! That was a good one!"
* Bring a bag of cat food, and start snacking on it.
* Bring a bag or purse, and peer into it and say, "Got enough air in their?" or, "Settle down in there. I'm trying to read!"
* Bring a bottle of glue and sniff it while counting down from a very high number. When they ask what you're doing, say, "I'm counting my brain cells!"
* Bring a bottle of squirtable mouth freshener, and miss every time you try to spray it into your mouth.
* Bring a box of crunchy cereal, a bowl, and a spoon. Then dig in messily, and crunch on it.
* Bring a laptop, and turn up the sound, and play a very noisy game.
* Bring a piece of bread, and drop pieces of it down the little hole in the center of the table meant for cords.
* Bring a recording of a popular song. Play it on headphones quietly, but sing along very badly. Then say to the person next to you, "I took singing lessons!"
* Bring a recording of very obnoxious music, and hide it in a bag. Turn it up full blast, and accuse them of having it. Keep accusing them, then get the librarian to come. When they find it in your bag, yell, "IT WAS PLANTED ON ME I TELL YOU!!!!! IT'S NOT MY FAULT!! IT'S A GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY!! ALIENS BEAMED IT INTO MY BAG!!! IT'S BECAUSE I DIDN'T LET THEM DO EXPERIMENTS ON ME!!"
* Bring one of those fans with a squirt bottle attached, and make it look like you're attempting to squirt yourself, but hit them instead.
* Chew gum with your mouth open, and smack your lips while reading.
* Collapse on the floor. Then get up like nothing happened. When the person next to asked what is wrong, look at him/her with an inquiring look on your face, and say, "What do you mean?"
* Constantly shift in your seat, and if the person next to you asked what is wrong, reply by saying, "I'm constipated. Hehe."
* Continuously rub a book while chanting, "Come out, come out. I know you're in there!" When they ask what you're doing, say, "I'm calling the book genie out!"
* Every few minutes, get up out of your chair, walk around the table, and sit back down.
* Every so often, yelp in pain, and look at your feet.
* Every time the person next to you turns the page, make a strange sound, or a beep.
* Fall out of your seat, then say, "I meant to do that." Then do it again. And again.
* Find a thesaurus and say in complete astonishment, "Wow! Did you know that 'affirmative' and 'yes' mean the same thing?"
* Flip the page every two or so seconds.
* Get a child's book like "Green Eggs and Ham" and complain that there is no glossary.
* Get up onto the table, and start acting like a duck. When they ask what you're doing, say happily, "I'm roosting!"
* Glance over your shoulder every few seconds.
* Hold your book right next to your eyes.
* Instead of a laptop, bring your entire computer!
* Introduce your self by saying, "Hi! I'd like a hamburger, and a green South America please." When they ask what your problem is, say, "Ohh, your not my fairy god mother? I'm sorry, he must have flown into the bookcases. Bye!" and run off.
* Look at one page number, then a different one. They say in astonishment, "Wow! The page numbers are in order! Cool! They guy who came up with that musta been a genius!!
* Look up suddenly and yell, "Ohh no!" When they ask you what happened, say, "Nothing." Then do it again.
* Maintain a look of horror constantly, but act normal other wise.
* Make a strange sound every few minutes, then act like you didn't do it.
* Pat your stomach and say, "Whoa. Human extremities do not settle well."
* Pick up your book, put it down, and say, "Wow. That was a good book."
* Put down you book, and look at him/her. When they says something like "what?", cut them off by saying "Are you accusing me of something?"
* Put down you book, and look over and start reading the other persons book, and, either 1) say "Ooo. Nice book." or 2) when he/she looks at you, quickly pick up your book and act like your reading it.
* Put down your book, then say, "Hey, ya wanna trade?"
* Read out loud attempting to pronounce easy words. Butcher them badly. But be able to pronounce hard words.
* Read out loud. Very loud. And slowly.
* Read silently, and then as if speaking to the character in your book, say, "No, Jim! It's a trap! Don't do it!!" Then turn to the person and reply solemnly, "He did it." when he/she looks at you.
* Read your book from right to left. And flip the pages the same way.
* Read your book. Upside down.
* Repeat every thing they say to you.
* Run up to them with a book, thrust it under their nose and ask, "Will you sign my autograph?!?" Make sure you say MY.
* Say to him/her, "You have the right to remain silent!"
* Say, "Argh! My central nervous system in shot! Quick! Give me blue china!!!"
* Say, "It always starts so weird, and they do it so weird." When they ask, "What?" say, "Ohh, sorry. I'm back now."
* Say, "Omph!" like you were just shot, and while smushing a ketchup pack on your chest, fall on the floor. Then get back up like nothing happened. After that, look at your stomach, and say, "What? How'd this stain get here?" while motioning to the ketchup.
* Say, "Who's Freddie?" Then act like you didn't say anything.
* Sit down, and then say to the person next to you, "Hi! My name's (...) and I'm really glad to meet you."
* Sneeze a lot.
* Snort loudly, and gargle with your spit.
* Spell every single word as you read it.
* Spill that same cologne or perfume on their book.
* Stand up, and continue reading.
* Stare accusingly at the other person, and when they look at you, say, "Where were you on the night of February 32, 1989?!"
* Start arguing with yourself, then when he/she looks at you funny, say "Ohh, I'm sorry. I was just telling my subconscious to be quiet."
* Start arguing with yourself. When they ask you who you are talking to, say, "You're just jealous 'cause the voices are talking to ME!!!"
* Start singing "This is the song that never ends. . ."
* Start staring at the person, and when you have their attention, announce, "I measure sock by thickness!"
* Start telling a VERY strange story, then half way through say, "Never mind."
* State proudly that you have been to the 'other' side. Give no explanation.
* Stick a 'kick me' sing on your back, and accuse them of putting it their.
* Suddenly grasp your heart, let out a wail, and fall to the ground. Then get back up like nothing happened.
* Suddenly look over at him/her, and say, "You're one of THEM!"
* Turn to the person and ask, "Have you ever experienced d j  vu and amnesia at the same time?"
* Turn to the person next to you, and ask them to pronounce their name backwards. When they ask you why, tell them that you are looking for hidden messages.
* Turn to the person sitting next to you and say to them, "Hey! How ya doin'? That's great, me too."
* Turn to them and while pointing your fingers at them as if you were electrocuting them, say, "BUZZ!!! BUZZ!!. . ."
* Wear A LOT of putrid smelling cologne or perfume.
* Wear too many sweaters, and complain how hot it is.
* While looking at your book, turn so you're facing the person. Then, peer over the top of your book, and say "PEEKABOO!!"
* While placing small pieces of bread in a line, count one, two, three. . ., and lose count every ten or so.
* While pointing to a very simple word, like 'the', ask the person next to you if he/she can pronounce it for you.
* While reading your book, start humming a single note until you're out of breath, then collapse on the floor. Then get back up, and continue reading like nothing happened.
* While working at a laptop, suddenly stand up, and announce to every one, "I have mail!!"
* Without looking away from your book, say to no one in particular, "I know what you did last summer."

[Shammu]

You know what's annoying:

Guess what?, guess what?, guess what?, guess what?, guess what?, guess what?, guess what?, guess what?, guess what?, guess what?, guess what?, guess what?, guess what?, guess what?, guess what?, Guess what?,  WHAT! I FORGOT!
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At a restaurant, with a serious face, say you would like to order diet water.

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Little timmy is watching TV and his friends favourite move comes on. He goes to ring his friend and he finds the phone is dead.
So little timmy goes and sits back down and an advert comes on the TV...

"IF YOUR PHONE IS NOT WORKING... CALL THIS NUMBER AND WE'LL COME OVER AND FIX IT!"
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It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the mess of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter when typing, and his note was sent instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the elderly, grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the computer screen, let out a piercing scream before falling to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
___________________________________________________

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

PS. Sure is hot down here.

[Shammu]

Brain Exercise

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying: "If you don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain.

Below is a very private way to gage your loss or non-loss of intelligence. So take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still a MENSA candidate. OK, relax, clear your
mind and . . . begin.


1. What do you put in a toaster?

The answer is bread. If you said "toast", then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread", go to question 2.


2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk". What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk", please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously overstressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with
reading something more appropriate such as "Children's World". If you said, "water" then proceed to question three.


3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks", what the heck are you still doing here reading these questions? If you said "glass", then go on to
question four.


4. Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically
divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East
Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors - East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?

Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If
you said, "Don't bury the survivors" then proceed to the next question.


5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?
Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree", you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and
exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.


6. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for oh good grief! It was YOU, Read the first line!!!

[Shammu]

Munsa Test

Have you an unusual Intelligence? Do you find you lose interest in supposedly "Interesting movies"? It could be that you're one of the 5% of the population that has the mental capacity of a steaming turd! If so, you may want to join MUNSA - Mentally Unemployed and Noticeably Stupid Association.

Try the questionnaire below. The results could surprise you! If you can't even read the question, you're halfway there already - just get someone to fill out our full color brochure at any trailing chemist, and you'll be in for some, good old fashioned non-challenging material.

1. Which of the following was one of the famous Marx Brothers?

a. STRETCH
b. SKID
c. HARPO
d. TYRE

2. The number missing from the series (1,2,4,..,16) is:

a. YELLOW
b. GERANIUM
c. 8
d. TYRE

3. The letter missing from the series (a,b,c,..,e) is:

a. z
b. b
c. d
d. TYRE

4. A man walks into a Barber Shop, with $5.00. He buys 2 lemons at 45c each, 1 Pickled Eel for $2.40, 4 packets of washing powder for $3.15 each. What will happen?

a. The Barber will wonder where all the stuffs coming from
b. He wasn't in a Barber's shop, it was a Dairy
c. The Barber will ask him if he's from MUNSA
d. Tyre

5. Two trains leave the same station, but moving in opposite directions. The first train is travelling at 50km/hr EAST, while the second one is travelling 50km/hr WEST. Which train is travelling the fastest?

a. The one going EAST
b. The one going WEST
c. Neither
d. Tyre
e. Why aren't there (e.)'s in all the other questions

6. What comes next in the series (RED, GREEN)

a. A car
b. Orange
c. Insufficient Data
d. Tyre

7. Mona Lisa was:

a. A dissatisfied woman
b. A song by Billy Idol
c. A painting
d. Tyre

8. The cold war was about:

a. Ice
b. Autumn
c. A few people at the top not liking each other
d. Tyre

9. Complete the following Sequence: (Tyre Tyre Tyre)

a. Tyre
b. Tyre
c. Tyre
d. Pardon?

Ok, time to total up all your marks. Those of you who haven't mastered addition yet, go straight on to the application; you're the sort of person we're looking for. If not, Give yourself 5 points for every D, -5 for every C, (+10 if you can't add negative numbers yet), 0 for every B and 0 for every A you ticked. How did you do?

90 to 50: OK! You're the sort of person we're looking for. Add 10 points to your score if you haven't got the hang of using anything but crayons yet.

50 to -20: Who's been doing late night studying then? Sorry, you're just a run of the mill pleb - push off.

-20 to -90: A computer geek I bet. Go join some place where they talk big numbers and floppy disks!

Is 85 between 90 and 50? Alright! Go to the bottom of the class! You're a leading light in our Association; get someone to fill the form in for you and welcome aboard!

What will MUNSA do for you?

MUNSA is a group of people just like yourself, and as such will have much the same interests. We'll meet once a month to watch American Game Shows (Except for our "advanced" class which will be watching the Australian Imitations), Television Dating Games, and listening to Pulic readings of Romance Novels. Also at the meetings, you'll have the opportunity to buy:

* Swamp land at ridiculously inflated prices

* Genuine Japanese imports with UNTAMPERED ODOMETERS (with scratces on it)

* Slice/Dice/Mince/Stack shelf-mount food mungers from C-Tel

* "Safe" relocatable houses from Chernobyl and many many more things, as yet not exploited.

As a special initial offer, you will be given a free Brain Warning device which rings an alarm if your IQ gets above 25, in time for you to go back to your local for a couple of jugs of your favourite Weasels.

[Shammu]

Clean Things to Do in Public Places

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten-minute intervals throughout the day.

4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join.

5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap.

7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

9. When there are people behind you, walk really slowly, especially in thin aisles.

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.

11. Turn all the radios to polka stations; then turn them off and turn the volume up to full blast.

12. Play with the automatic doors.

13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi. I haven't seen you in so long." etc. See if they play along.

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who buys this mess anyway?!"

15. Repeat #14 in the jewelry department.

16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you are taking it for a test drive.

17. Follow people through the aisles, staying about 5 feet behind them. Do this until they leave the store.

18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.

19. As the cashier runs your purchase over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow, magic!"

20. Take off your shoes and tell them you want to return it and when they say you didn't buy it there say "Hmmmm....I thought the customer was always right!"

21. Move "Caution : Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you will only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from other aisles.

24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "I'm Batman. Come Robin, to the Batcave."

26. TP as much of the store as possible.

27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.

29. When someone asks you if you need help, begin to cry and say, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

30. When 2 or 3 people are walking ahead of you, run between them yelling "Red Rover."

31. Make up nonsense products and ask employees if there are any in stock. (i.e.: Shnerples)

32. Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full-scale battle with G.I. Joe vs. X-men.

33. Take bets on the battle from above.

34. Test the brushes and combs in cosmetics.

35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.

36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission Impossible.

38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies."

41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

42. Two words: Marco Polo.

43. Leave Cheerios in lawn and garden, pillows in the pet section, etc.

44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's.

45. In the auto department, practice your Madonna look with various funnels.

46. When someone steps away from his or her cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, drop to your knees and scream, "No, no, its those voices again."

49. Pay off layaways 50 cents at a time.

50. Drag a lounge chair over to the magazines and relax. Go to
the food court, buy a drink, and explain that you don't get out
much and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

*BONUS*

1. Attempt to do all of the above in the same visit, without
getting kicked out.

[Shammu]

Top ten ways to annoy your waiter

10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.

9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"

8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage!"

7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage".

6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"

5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.

4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"

3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.

2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna spit in the chowder!"

1. Three words: eat the check.
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Why

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Why are things typed up but written down?

Why do we say bye bye but not hi hi?
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Silly States

What state needs a handkerchief? --- mass-ACHOO-setts

What state is a spilled color? --- Loose Sienna

What state wears glasses? --- Mississipi has 4 eye's(i's)

What is the bandaid state? --- Connect a cut (connecticut)

What state is a 2 oz. cola? --- Minnesota (mini soda)

What state is easiest to drive in? --- Rhodes (roads) island

What state is full of color? --- color-ado

What state has 2,000 pounds of dirty laundry? --- Washing-ton

What state is high in the middle and round on both ends? --- OhiO (hi in middle and O both ends)

What state needs to be sharpened? --- Pennsylvania (Pencil-vania)

What state cares about your health? --- Hawaii (how r yee!!)  

Okay, now y'all can groan.

[nChrist]

Dreamweaver,

        Brother, I did groan just a little bit on the last one, but the "Clean Things To Do In Public Places" was a HOOT!

[Shammu]

At a gathering of denominational executives, ministers, priests, bishops, and lay representatives, a fire broke out. Someone yelled "FIRE" and the representatives acted accordingly:

The Baptists immediately called for water.

The Quakers sat silently waiting for the Spirit to speak.

The Lutherans quickly made a long list of objections to the fire and nailed it to the auditorium doors.

The Presbyterians met and voted to refer the issue of fire to a committee which would publish a detailed report to be presented at the next meeting of the session.

The Fundamentalists declared the fire to be the wrath of God to punish us for our sins.

The Episcopalians formed a tasteful procession and left the auditorium for sherry!

The Congregationalists yelled "Every man for himself" while the United Church of Christ representatives yelled "Every person for herself/himself."

The Unitarian Universalists called all their friends to share and celebrate the experience.
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Okay, yes it is a little bit of a groaner.