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Our Lord Jesus Christ loves you.
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Author Topic: Laughter - Good Medicine  (Read 450512 times)
TalkerCat
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« Reply #915 on: December 18, 2005, 04:37:46 PM »

 Cheesy A real "knee slapper" !  Cheesy

But frankly, that's what he gets for hunting to shoot BAMBI'S MOTHER!  Angry  Boooo! Hiss!

Blessings to all from an animal rights advocate -
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airIam2worship
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« Reply #916 on: December 19, 2005, 03:33:39 AM »

 Grin Grin
That is too funny. It's a good thing the deer just wanted lunch and wasn't armed and dangerous
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« Reply #917 on: December 23, 2005, 01:42:06 AM »

A few Definitions Grin

Clean Break Point: When a bar of soap gets to that specific thickness where in breaks in half while you use it.

Drippy Nostril: when your sick, when your nostril drips that clear liquid which isn't quite mucus.

Wake Up Fight: The alarm wakes you up...'i still have time' you press the SNOOZE button. The alarms goes off again 'oh, i can get ready for work in 25 minutes' you press the SNOOZE. Alarm goes off 'awh, i don't have to eat breakfast today' you press snooze. Alarm goes off. 'i can go without brushing my teeth for one day'.....

Forgotten Great Idea:I had such a great idea, but i forgot it! Oh! Well...i'll probably remember it eventually.

Passing...by...: When your walking, and someone's walking towards you, and then when you turn right at the last moment, he turns right too! then you turn left..and he turns left too! Trying..to..get..past you.

Am i sure?: Am i in the right place? i should be..but no one else is here yet...

Story Spoiler:when finishing a great book, you accidently read the last sentence when you get to the last page of the book.

bathroom shyness: your sitting on the tiolet, right about to 'drop the load', when you here the door open, and someone walks in. oh! i can't go now!

Seat Lining: when you line the seat of a public toilet seat with toilet paper.

Familiar Scent From The Past...: when you smell something, and then just can't remember what that smell was...although you remember it.

Laughing Fool: you hear ppl laughing and your sitting quietly and you think there laughing at you, but when you confront them, make an out break, or tell on them, you find out it's not you.

Bathroom Battle: the struggle that takes place at night between stating in bed and going to the toilet. Toilet always wins, or you wet the bed.
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« Reply #918 on: December 23, 2005, 01:45:36 AM »

A few school Definitions

Lunch money; bully taxes.

Pencil; a device to poke the person infront of you.

Desk; the new notebook.

Water fountain; a device used to clean your nose when people shove your head into the water that flows up.

Lunch; future science experiment.

Homework; how the teachers learn.

Detention; the new form of heck for the teachers.

Locker; a home for mold, mushrooms, old food, gym clothes... etc.

Glue; a sticky substance that makes your art work look like crud.

Teacher; naging maniac.

Gym socks; the new version of nuclear weapons.

Cell phone; automatic detention.

Big brother; what the realy smart kids bring to school.

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« Reply #919 on: December 23, 2005, 01:47:27 AM »

A few Internet Definitions  Grin

Cyber Glossary

Surf : The act of moving around the Web using links until you ve completely forgotten what you were looking for in the first place.

Baud Rate : the rate your heart beat reaches as you impatiently wait for a web page to load.

Netgroup : a bunch of old bores endlessly discussing the weather.

Browser : a program which searches for the information you want but instead gives you a selection of pornography, advertisements and trivia.

Cookies : Files secretly planted on your P.C. as part of a computer master plan to take over the world.

Email : see junk mail.

Favorites : A massive list of long forgotten sites which once seemed crucially important.

Download : A technical term meaning theft and plagiarism.

Homepage : A glitzy, snazzy, brilliantly animated entrance to a completely dull, boring and pointless web site.

Local Area Network : The World Wide Web on a bad day.

Link : a connection which takes you from a useless site to a totally useless site.

Modem : a device which ties up your phone line for twenty four hours every day.

Snailmail : The use of trained molluscs to deliver letters.

Search Engine: A program which finds every web site except the one you lovingly created.

Servers : Powerful computers which conspire to keep you off the internet.

Web : A global collection of obsolete, inaccurate, worthless information.
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« Reply #920 on: December 23, 2005, 01:55:04 AM »

Weird or Strange Names of Towns or Cities

Frostproof, Florida

Squirell, Idaho

Show Low, Arizona

Loveland, Colorado

Sauk Centre, Minnesota... (Prenounced Sock Center) I wonder if they make socks there?

Circleville, Utah. (A town is about...2 acres.)

Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. A town in Wales. (58 letters)

Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokaiwhenu akitanatahu A town in New Zealand. (85 letters)

Krungthepmahanakhonbovornratanakosinmahintharayutthayamahadilokpopnoparatr atchathan
iburiromudomratchanivetmahasathanamornpimanavatarnsathitsakkathattiyavisnu karmprasit. A town in thailand. (168 letters) How would you like to have that, for an address? edited to break the town name, is that better?
(The spellings vary from website to website)

You can see the translations of these by going onto google and searching "the longest town name in the world."

Okay, I know this is a groaner. I took Beep's line there! Grin
« Last Edit: December 23, 2005, 03:30:15 PM by DreamWeaver » Logged

nChrist
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« Reply #921 on: December 23, 2005, 05:47:44 AM »

 Grin   Grin   Grin  I wondered why my screen was so wide. If I lived in one of those places with so many letters, I would have to abbreviate it with the first letter and just let someone guess where I lived.

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« Reply #922 on: December 23, 2005, 10:00:13 AM »

How about 'Muleshoe' Texas?  It is located between 'Circleback' and 'Needmore'.
 Grin
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« Reply #923 on: December 23, 2005, 10:18:52 AM »

How about 'Muleshoe' Texas?  It is located between 'Circleback' and 'Needmore'.
 Grin

Or Monkey's Eyebrow or Whoopflarea. There is a sign in Monkey's Eyebrow that says Monkey's Eyebrow Taxidermy Service.

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« Reply #924 on: December 23, 2005, 03:35:35 PM »

Silly quotes....... Grin

"Banks will loan you money, if you can prove you don't need it." --Mark Twain

"Golden, Ripe, Boneless Bananas, 39 Cents A Pound." - Ad in the "Missoulian" by Orange Street Food Farm

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious." - Alan Minter, Boxer

"I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness." - Alicia Silverstone, Actress

"This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time." - Anonymous Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL

"During the scrimmage, Tarkanian paced the sideline with his hands in his pockets while biting his nails." - AP report describing Fresno State basketball coach Jerry Tarkanian

"You guys line up alphabetically by height." - Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach

"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl." - Bill Peterson, football coach

"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada." - Britney Spears, Pop Singer

"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago" - Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice-President

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." - David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing." - Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.

"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money." - Everett Dirksen, Congressman

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight." - George Gobel

"I do not like this word "bomb." It is not a bomb. It is a device that is exploding." - Jacques le Blanc, French ambassador on nuclear weapons

"I have a God-given talent. I got it from my dad." - Julian Wakefield, Missouri basketball player

"I don't diet. I just don't eat as much as I'd like to." - Linda Evangelista, Supermodel

"Pitching is 80% of the game. The other half is hitting and fielding." - Mickey Rivers, baseball player

"Solutions are not the answer." - Richard Nixon, former U.S. President

"Permitted vehicles not allowed." - Road sign on US 27

"SAFETY FIRST: Please put on your seat belt - prepare for accident." - Sign on backseat of Taxi

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« Reply #925 on: December 24, 2005, 12:07:42 AM »

Books never written

"How to Get a Face Lift" by Frank N. Stein

"Personal Hygine" by G. I. Reek

"How to Get Out of Debt" by I. O. A. Bundle

"Professional Hair Styles" by Anita Betta Doo

"American Technology For Iraqi soldiers" by Bill Clinton

"Spots on the wall" --Hu Phlung Puh

"Running to the outhouse" --Willie Makit

"Spilt milk" --Oliver DeFlo

"Lady in a red dress" --Ima Kissinger

"Ocean voyage" --I.S.Berg

"Laundry time" --Dusty Sheets

"Survival" --Justin Case

"Getting to school on time" by Misty Bus

"Livin large" by Mike Rascope

"Proofreading" by Ty Poe

"Classic commercials" by WIll B. Wrightback

"Little Boys Know 'I'm Bad'" by Michael Jackson

"Dressing for Success" by Marilyn Manson

"How to Play the Stock Market" by Martha Stewart

"Slim & Trim Without Surgery!" by Roseanne Barr

"Naturally Beautiful" by Joan Rivers

"Gold Digging 101" by Anna Nicole Smith

"You TOO Can Be A Clown!" by Christina Aguiliera

"Faithful" by Bill Clinton

"Complete Idiot's Guide to Being a Genius" by Albert Einstein

"How To Treat A Lady" By Bobby Brown

"I Know You Stole My Music" by Metallica

"How To Last In The Music Business" by Vanilla Ice

"Overcoming Drug Addictions" by Whitney Houston

"The Man's Guide to Flawless Makeup" by David Bowie

"Biting Off Your Enemie's Ears" by Mike Tyson

"I Didn't Do It" by Coby Bryant

"Mobile Homes for Dummies" by Kid Rock
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« Reply #926 on: December 24, 2005, 12:12:58 AM »

"Playing With Wolves" -- by Ima Gona

"Jack In The Box" -- by Sir Prise

"Where To Find Trees" -- by Indy Woods

"My Chinese Weekend" -- by Fri Sat Sun

"My Pants Keep Falling Down" -- by Lucy Lastic.

"A Guide to Praying" -- by Neil Down

"50 yards from the out house" -- by WILLIE MAKE IT and BETTY WONT

"Mountain-top rescue" -- by Justin Time

"Riding lions" -- by How Stupid.

"Shoelaces" -- by Tai Mai Shu

"101 healthy meals" -- by  Ronald McDonald

"My 100 Favorite Lies" --  Bill Clinton
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« Reply #927 on: December 24, 2005, 12:17:28 AM »

If it's "Tourist Season", why can't we shoot them? Grin

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

A tour bus load full of noisy tourists arrives at Runnymede, England.

They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."

A man pushing his way to the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?"

"1215," answers the guide.

The man looks at his watch and says, "Shooot! Just missed it by a half hour!"
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

A tourist is traveling with a local guide through one of the thickest jungles in Latin America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple.  Entranced by the temple, the tourist asks the guide for details.

As they explore the ruins, the guide explains that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is.

"This temple is 2503 years old", replies the guide.

Impressed at this accurate dating, the tourist inquires as to how they know this precise figure.

"Easy", replies the guide, "the archaeologists said the temple was 2500 years old, and that was three years ago."
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

A group of tourists began descending into the darkness of a cave.  A frightened woman asks, "Are there any bats in this cave?"  8O

Soothingly, the guide replied, "Until recently, there were many."

The guide continued to assure the nervous tourist, "Don't worry, the snakes ate all of them."
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

After a long day sightseeing several national parks, a tourist inquires of a park ranger, "Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park Sites?"
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Below are questions that were actually asked of Park Rangers

Grand Canyon National Park...

Was this man-made?

Do you light it up at night?

I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom -- where is it?

So where are the faces of the presidents?

Everglades National Park...

Are the alligators real?

Are the baby alligators for sale?

Where are all the rides?

What time does the two o'clock bus leave?

Everglades National Park...

Are the alligators real?

Are the baby alligators for sale?

Where are all the rides?

What time does the two o'clock bus leave?

Mesa Verde National Park...

Did people build this, or did Indians?

Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?

What did they worship in the kivas -- their own made-up religion?

Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?

Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

Carlsbad Caverns National Park...

How much of the cave is underground?

So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?

Does it ever rain in here?

How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?

So what is this -- just a hole in the ground?

Yosemite National Park...

Where are the cages for the animals?

What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls?

Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?

Yellowstone National Park...

Does Old Faithful erupt at night?

How do you turn it on?

When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?

We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?
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« Reply #928 on: December 24, 2005, 10:07:44 AM »

 Grin   Grin   Grin  ROFL!!

Thanks Dreamweaver! Laughing is a good way to start the day. I will repay you later with several of my groaners.  Grin
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« Reply #929 on: December 24, 2005, 10:31:43 AM »

Quote
I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom -- where is it?


I would rather not go on that ride.   Wink Wink Grin Grin

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Joh 9:4  I must work the works of him that sent me, while it is day: the night cometh, when no man can work.
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