Laughter - Good Medicine

[sincereheart]

Presidential hopeful John Kerry has been telling the American people that he would fight a "better" war against terror, but not exactly how. At the UNITY 2004 conference for minority journalists, Kerry stated, "I believe I can fight a more effective, more thoughtful, more strategic, more proactive, more sensitive war on terror that reaches out to other nations and brings them to our side and lives up to American values in history." (This was the same conference, by the way, at which the neutral, non-partisan journalists broke out in wild cheers and whistling for Kerry, but heckled Bush as he spoke the very next day. But remember, folks, there's no media bias!)

In any case, it looks as though John Kerry needs help coming up with specific ways in which he can fight a more thoughtful and sensitive war on terror. In the spirit of cooperation, I'd like to suggest the following helpful list...

10. Stop calling it a "war." Rename it to the "Protest Against Terror." Protests always get people's attention and let them know that what you're protesting against is wrong.

9. Use softer bullets. Metal bullets hurt the terrorists, and that makes them hate us more.

8. Perhaps President Kerry can invite Osama bin Laden to the White House for a "cuddling party" with Kerry/Edwards. Nothing makes friends faster than a good cuddle.

7. Only go to war if the French and the UN say it's okay. Everyone knows how skillful the French are at dealing with other nations, and the UN has proven time and again its efficacy in dealing with terrorists.

6. Pull the troops out of Iraq within six months(http://www.npr.org/features/feature.php?wfId=3822655), but stay the course and even send more troops(http://msnbc.msn.com/id/3660748). If you have to ask, it's too nuanced for you.

5. Gently but firmly remind the terrorists that he was in Vietnam for four months thirty-five years ago. They won't dare pull anything then.

4. Ensure government owned and operated health care for all Americans, paid for with higher taxes. Terrorists won't bother to attack if they know all Americans have health care; it won't do any good then.

3. Stop eating pork and cover the women. Don't let them read or vote. That will show the terrorists that we understand them and appreciate their culture.

2. Don't call them "terrorists." They feel bad enough about our bullying, abusive foreign policy as it is. Call them "armed peace demonstrators." They'll feel more... peaceful.

1. Don't send soldiers; send social workers. All they really need is love and understanding.

In any case, it looks as though John Kerry needs help coming up with specific ways in which he can fight a more thoughtful and sensitive war on terror. In the spirit of cooperation, I'd like to suggest the following helpful list...

found on an internet search:
http://guardian.blogdrive.com/archive/cm-08_cy-2004_m-08_d-13_y-2004_o-0.html

[Symphony]

This time the guy tells him it's 100. So the robot starts discussing football, basketball, and the proper way to grill a steak.



Hehe.  

[Symphony]

A blonde goes into the hardware store.  "I wanna buy that tv set there."

"Sorry", says the clerk, "we don't sell to blondes".

Blonde goes home, dyes her hair.  Goes back.

"I wanna buy that tv set there."

"Sorry", says the clerk, "we don't sell to blondes".

Flustered, the blonde goes home, complete makeover, new clothes, shoes, sunglasses, waits a few days.  Goes back.

"I wanna buy that tv set there."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes. That's a microwave."


   
     

[Shammu]

The young Priest

The new Priest, at his first sermon was so afraid he couldn't speak. He asked the Monsignor how he could relax.
The Monsignor said, "next week it might help you to put a little Gin or Vodka in your water."
The next week, the Priest put gin in his water, and really preached up a storm. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
The Monsignor replied, "fine" but there are some facts you should get straight........

1. There are 10 Commandments, not 12.
2. There are 12 Disciples, not 10.
3. David slew Goliath, not beat the crud out of him.
4. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his disciples as J.C. and the boys.
5. The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost are not referred as Big Daddy, J.C. and the spook.
7. We do not refer to the Cross as the Big T.


There are others but, I would have to break rules to post them. That I will not do, as it goes against all this forum stands for.
Go in Peace with God
DW

[Andrapple]

HAHA o man..that is truly the first time i heard that joke. LOL

[Brother Love]

A blonde goes into the hardware store.  "I wanna buy that tv set there."

"Sorry", says the clerk, "we don't sell to blondes".

Blonde goes home, dyes her hair.  Goes back.

"I wanna buy that tv set there."

"Sorry", says the clerk, "we don't sell to blondes".

Flustered, the blonde goes home, complete makeover, new clothes, shoes, sunglasses, waits a few days.  Goes back.

"I wanna buy that tv set there."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes. That's a microwave."


   
     

Symphony, welcome back Bro, you get "TWO" Thumbs Up for the Joke

<))><

[nChrist]

    - Thanks for those laughs.
------------------------------------------

A Few One Liners - #1

A bachelor can only chase a girl until she catches him.

A banker is a person who lends you an umbrella when it is dry and asks for it back  when it starts raining.

A bird in hand is safer than one overhead.

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

A committee: when all is said and done, 90% is said, and 10% is done.

A computer is only as good as the people who are employed to replace the people who were made redundant by the computer.

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.

A formal briefing is like an avalanche: a high-level snow-job of massive and overwhelming proportions.

A highbrow is a person educated beyond his intelligence.

A long dispute means that both parties are wrong.

A lost property office is for people to return things they find and don't want.

A person's character is but half formed till after wedlock.

A pessimist is one who feels bad when he feels good for fear he'll feel worse when he feels better.

A piece of wire cut to length will be too short.

A politician has to be able to see both sides of an issue, so he can get around it.

A politician is a man who stands for what he thinks the voters will fall for.

A poor excuse is better than no excuse at all.

A rumour without a leg to stand on will get around some other way.

A Scottish gift: "It's nae use to me, ye're welcome to it."

A stitch in time saves embarrassment.

A verbal contract is not worth the paper it's written on.

A yawn is a silent shout.

Absolute zero is cool.

Age is a high price to pay for maturity.

All human acts involve more chance than decision.

Always look for the calculations that go with a calculated risk.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

Among the runners finishing last was an older man wearing a T-shirt that proclaimed 'Abominably Slow Man.'

An adult is one who has ceased to grow vertically but not horizontally.

An election year is the time politicians want to help us out of all the trouble they got us into in the first place.

An elephant is only a mouse built to council specifications.              

[nChrist]

A Few One Liners - #2

An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a very narrow field.

An expert is someone who knows more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing.

An honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble.

An oak tree is just a nut that held its ground.

An unbreakable toy is good for breaking other toys.

Analyzing humour is like analyzing a frog : you can do it, but the frog tends to die in the process.

Anarchy, no rules, OK?

And in the end the love you take Is equal to the love you make.

Anger is never without reason, but seldom with a good one.

Any fool can criticize, and many of them do.

Any given program will expand to fit all available memory.

Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

Anyone can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.

Apathy: never mind over don't matter.

As knowledge increases, wonder deepens.

As long as you can still be disappointed you are still young.

Awkward Age: the period lasting from birth until death.

Babies speak in many languages before they find one that grown-ups understand.

Be alert.  Your country needs lerts.

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.

Before honour is humility.

Before you meet your handsome prince you have to kiss a lot of toads.

Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.

Beware the man who slaps you on the back, he is probably trying to make you cough up something.

Beware of half-truths - you may have the wrong half.

Bo Peep did it for the insurance.

Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.

Brevity is not the soul of politicians.

Bring back the Sixties.

Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Chicken Little only has to be right once.

[nChrist]

A Few One Liners - #3


Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore and that's what parents were created for.

Competence, like truth, beauty and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

Computers have made it possible to make a thousand mistakes every second.

Consensus rules - if that's OK with you.

Constipation is the thief of time. Diarrhoea waits for no man.

"Contrariwise", continued Tweedledee, "If it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic."

Daub yourself with honey and you'll be covered with flies.

Death is hereditary.

Democracy is the least satisfactory form of government, except for all the others.

Democracy is too good to share with just anybody.

Dieting is when the days seem longer and the meals shorter.

Dignity is like a hat. Neither is much use when you're standing on it.

Do not adjust your mind, there is a fault in reality.

Do you have trouble making up your mind?   Well, yes and no. Dogmatism is puppyism come to its full growth.

Donald Duck isn't all he's quacked up to be.

You can tell the pioneers by the arrows in their backs.

Don't believe in superstition - it brings bad luck.

Don't confuse me with the facts - my mind is made up.

Don't ever stand up to be counted or someone will take your seat.

Don't mark the spot where you bury the hatchet.

Don't vote.  You'll only encourage them.

Down with gravity.

Drink wet cement and get really stoned.

Dyslexia lures, KO

Dyspepsia is the remorse of a guilty stomach.

Each generation has its sages.  Ancient Greece had Socrates. We have bumper stickers.

Education is what you get from reading the small print; experience is what you get from not reading it.

Egotism is the anaesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity.

[Symphony]

"Diahrrea waits for no man."    

 



Middle East joke:    


A camel is just a horse designed by a committee.


   

   

[Shammu]

Just a few groaners today.

How can you get four suits for a dollar?
Buy a deck of cards.

How do dinosaurs pay their bills?
With Tyrannosaurus checks.

What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path?
Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat and boots?
Tyrannosaurus Tex.

How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America?
They had reservations.

How do you make a hot dog stand?
Steal its chair.

How do you make an egg laugh?
Tell it a yolk.

How do you prevent a Summer cold?
Catch it in the Winter!

How does a pig go to hospital?
In a hambulance.

If a long dress is evening wear, what is a suit of armor?
Silverware.

What bird can lift the most?
A crane.

What bone will a dog never eat?
A trombone.

What can you hold without ever touching it?
A conversation.

What clothes does a house wear?
Address.

What country makes you shiver?
Chile.

What did one elevator say to the other?
I think I'm coming down with something!

What did one magnet say to the other?
I find you very attractive.

What did Tennessee?
The same thing Arkansas.
What did Delaware?
Her New Jersey.

What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
It's time to go to sweep.

What did the necktie say to the hat?
You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.

What did the rug say to the floor?
Don't move, I've got you covered.

What do bees do with their honey?
They cell it.

What do you call a calf after it's six months old?
Seven months old.

What do you call a guy who's born in Columbus, grows up in Cleveland, and then dies in Cincinnati?
Dead.

Why does the Easter Bunny have a shiny nose?
His powder puff is on the wrong end.

Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?
She ran away from the ball.

Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?
She couldn't control her pupils.

Why did the doughnut shop close?
The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!

[Shammu]

What do you call a pig that does karate?
A pork chop.

What do you call a song sung in an automobile?
A cartoon.

What do you call the best butter on the farm?
A goat.

What do you do when your chair breaks?
Call a chairman.

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer!

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia!

What do you get if you cross an insect with the Easter rabbit?
Bugs Bunny.

What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook?
Wet feet.

What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?
A rash of good luck.

What happens when frogs park illegally?
They get toad.

What has 6 eyes but can't see?
3 blind mice.

What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?
A piano.

Some of you kids may not get this one.
What has one horn and gives milk? .......
A milk truck.

What is a tree's favorite drink?
Root beer.

What is the best thing to do if you find a gorilla in your bed?
Sleep somewhere else.

What kind of cats like to go bowling?
Alley cats.

What kind of eggs does a wicked chicken lay?
Deviled eggs.

What kind of ties can't you wear?
Railroad ties.

What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?
A dead centipede.

What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car?
A red carnation.
What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a pink car?
A pink car-nation.
What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars?
An in-car-nation.

What's gray, eats fish, and lives in Washington, D.C.?
The Presidential Seal.

What's green and loud?
A froghorn.

What's round and bad-tempered?
A vicious circle.

Where did the farmer take the pigs on Saturday afternoon?
He took them to a pignic.

Where do fortune tellers dance?
At the crystal ball.

[Shammu]

What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!

A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way...

Why don't aliens eat clowns.
Because they taste funny.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh

Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
el-if-i-no

Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.

Once upon a time there were two muffins in the microwave. Suddenly, one of the muffins says:
"Man it's hot in here!!!!"
The other muffin exclaims,
"Look a talking muffin!!!!"

[Shammu]

WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW?     
SPOILED MILK

WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A VAMPIRE?    
FROSTBITE

WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE TITANIC?    SANKA
WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS?    
BECAUSE THEY HAVE BIG FINGERS

WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND TWITCHES?    
A NERVOUS WRECK

WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK?    
A STICK

WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS?    
NACHO CHEESE

[TigerLily]

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service.