Laughter - Good Medicine

[TigerLily]

Jake, the rancher, went one day to fix a distant
fence.
The wind was cold and gusty and the clouds rolled
gray and dense.

As he pounded the last staples in and gathered tools
to go.
The temperature had fallen, the wind and snow began
to blow.

When he finally reached his pickup, he felt a heavy
heart.
From the sound of that ignition, he knew it
wouldn't start.

So Jake did what most of us would do if we had been
there.
He humbly bowed his balding head and sent aloft a
prayer.

As he turned the key for the last time, he softly
cursed his luck.
They found him three days later, frozen stiff in
that old truck.

Now Jake had been around in life and done his share
of roaming.
But when he saw Heaven, he was shocked -- it looked
just like Wyoming!

Of all the saints in Heaven, his favorite was St.
Peter.
 
So they set and talked a minute or two, or maybe it
was three.
Nobody was keeping' score -- in Heaven time is
free.

"I've always heard," Jake said to Pete, "that God
will answer prayer,
But, one time I asked for help, well, he just plain
wasn't there."

"Does God answer prayers of some, and ignore the
prayers of others?
That don't seem exactly square -- I know all men are
brothers."

"Or does he randomly reply, without good rhyme or
reason?
Maybe, it's the time of day, the weather or the
season."

"Now I ain't trying to act smart, it's just the way
I feel.
And I was wondering', could you tell me -- what the
heck's the deal?!"

Peter listened very patiently and when Jake was
done.
There were smiles of recognition, and he said, "So,
you're the one!!"

"That day your truck, it wouldn't start, and you
sent your prayer a flying,
You gave us all a real bad time, with hundreds of us
trying."

"A thousand angels rushed, to check the status of
your file,
But you know, Jake, we hadn't heard from you in
quite a long while."

"And though all prayers are answered, and God ain't
got no quota,
He didn't recognize your voice, and started a truck
in Minnesota."

BETTER KEEP IN TOUCH!

[nChrist]

The preacher's Sunday sermon was Forgive Your Enemies.  Toward the end of  the service, He asked his congregation, "how many of you  have  forgiven their enemies"?   About half held up their hands.  He then repeated his question.  As it was past lunchtime, this time about 80 percent held up their hands. He then repeated his question again. All responded, except one  small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones?"  inquired the preacher, Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?

"I don't have any."  she replied. smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, That is very unusual.  How old are you?" "Ninety-three," she  replied.

"Oh Mrs. Jones, what a blessing and a lesson to us all you are. Would you please come down in front of this congregation and tell us all how a person can live ninety-three years and not have an enemy in the world."

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and  said "I outlived the old hags."

[Reba]

Mrs. Jones is my hero  

[Symphony]

bep -  .

Hi, Reba.



Did you hear about the Roman who cannibalized his mother-in-law?

He was gladiator.


   

[Shammu]

"Jesus Is Watching You"

One night a burglar is trying to break into a house. He's sneaking across the lawn when he hears a voice -
"Jesus is watching you!"
He jumps, turns around, but he doesn't see anything. So he starts creeping across the lawn again. "Jesus is watching you!"
He hears it again. So now the burglar is really looking around, and he sees a parrot in a cage by the side of the house. He says to the parrot,
"Did you say that?"
The parrot answers "Yes I did."
So the burglar says , "What's your name?"
The parrot says "Clarence." The burglar says "What kind of stupid idiot would name his parrot Clarence?"
The parrot laughs and says,
"The same stupid idiot that named his Rottweiler 'Jesus' "
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"Simba & O.J."
Q: What's the difference between Simba and O.J.?
A: One's an African lion the other a lion African!
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"The Golden Saloon"

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where have you been all night?" she demands.

"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hey, even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone  book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the  place to check her husband's story.

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What  about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that took a leak in your saxophone last night!"

[Shammu]

"The Karate Dog"

Harold's new job had him working really late. He decides to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and asks for a doberman.

The employee said, "If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you."  The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle.

Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?"

The employee says, "No, this dog is special; he knows karate."

"Karate? I don't believe it," Harold says.

The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign." And he points to  a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold  is amazed at this.

The employee then says, "Karate the chair." And he points to a chair in the  corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced.

"I'll take him," he says.

When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, "This little  thing, a watch dog? No way." Harold says, "But this dog knows karate."

"Karate," she yells. "Karate my chair!!"

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"Spell One Word For Heaven"

Guy goes to the gates of heaven where he meets St. Peter. St. Peter says to him "God has looked at your book of life and you are welcome in heaven under one condition" The man say "What's that?"

St. Peter says "You must spell the word 'Love'." So he does and he is let in to heaven. As he gets in, St. Peter's beeper goes off. He tells the man to watch the gate until he returns, and reminds him that he must ask whoever comes to spell the word. Next thing you know, his wife show up at the gate and he asks her what she is doing there?

She says that on the way home from the funeral, there was an accident and she  died. The husband says alright, but you do have to spell one word first before  you come in to heaven.

She asks "What's that?"

He says "Spell Love."

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"A Pirate & Land-Lubber Conversation"

A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed  that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate,

"How did you loose your leg?" The pirate responded,

"I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!" His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked,

"What about you hand. Did you loose it at the same time?"

"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys." Finally, the land-lubber asked,

"I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you loose your eye? The pirate answered,

"I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and divebombed me eye." The land-lubber asked,

"How could a little seagull divebombing  make you loose your eye?" The pirate  snapped,

"It was the day after I got me hook!"

[Shammu]

"Winnie The ?"

It was the first day after Christmas vacation in a 3rd grade class. The teacher told the class that each student could tell the class 1 thing they got for Christmas. So, the teacher calls on a girl to come up to the front of the class and tell everyone 1 thing she got.

"My daddy got me a Bow-Wow," she said.

The teacher tells the class that they are old enough to know the correct words for things without using nicknames. The teacher tells the girl to try again. The girl thinks real hard ........

"My dad got me a dog," she said.
She sat down and a boy got up and said,
"I got a choo-choo!"

The teacher scolded him and told him to try again. The boy thought hard and said,
"I got an electric train!!"

That boy sits down and a really shy kid gets up and sadly says,
"I got a book"
The teacher feels bad for the kid and she asks,
"What was the title of the book??"

The boy thinks very hard. The class waits as the boy is thinking. Finally, the boys face brightened and he said,

"Winnie The Bear!!"

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"The Great Bar"

Two men sit at a bar. The first one just slowly sips at his drink, studying the other man at the far end of the bar. Finally, the first man makes up his mind, and walks up the the second man. He sits back down and continues nursing his drink. The second man, thinking nothing of it, continues his drinking in peace. After a while, the first man speaks up.

"This place is great, isn't it?" he asks. The second man, somewhat surprised at the stranger's remark, replies.

"Why do you say that?" The first man, in a low tone of voice, responds, "Follow me." The second man, well drawn up into this hush-hush secret attribute of the bar, follows. They stop at the large window at one end of the room.

"Here's why." The first man thows open the window, and boldly steps out into--nothing. But he remains aloft!

"The air currents are great here!" he exclaims. "It's very relaxing." As his feet return to the bar-room floor, he invites the second man to try it. The second man, somewhat questioningly, looks over the windowsill--down to the pavement twelve stories below. He looks to either side, and finally up above, to see if there was anything holding the first man up. Convinced that it was no trickery, the second man swollows, closes his eyes, and steps out into-- nothing. And promptly falls twelve stories to the pavement below.

The second man, with a slight grin on his face, gets his drink, returns to his original spot at the bar, and starts sipping again. Looking rather irritated, the barkeep comes over to the place where the man sits.

"You know," he says, disgusted. "You're a real jerk when you've been  drinking, Mr. Kent."

[Shammu]

"Bill Gates In Hell"

Shortly after Bill Gates was killed in a freak accident, he found himself being sized up by Saint Peter. "Bill, this is a tough call. You've made great technological advancements with Microsoft, but you've also given us Windows 95. I think I'm going to let you choose between Heaven and Hell."

"That sounds fair," Gates replied. "May I have a look at hell first?"

And so first Saint Peter took him to Hell.

"This is hell? Wow, look at all those gorgeous women, the ones that laughed when I asked them out on dates in high school. And look at those mansions!" exclaimed Bill.

"And see all those coders? They work 24 hours a day for free just because they really love you, Bill, and live only to please you."

"Shazam, this is all virtual, isn't it, Saint Peter?"

"Yep. With no bugs, Bill."

"If this is hell, what can heaven be like?"

(Saint Peter makes sweeping gesture) "Like this!"

"People wearing robes and playing harps while they sit on clouds? What a boring cliche. I'll take Hell!" replies, Gates.

And so two weeks later, St Peter paid a little visit.

"Hey what the hell's going on? It's nearly 200 degrees and the air is terrible. There's no food or drink. Goblins jab me in the ribs constantly. I'm crawling with vermin and weak with disease. They play the Beastie Boys at all hours, for all eternity. There are NO COMPUTERS! Where are the women, the program slaves, the virtual wonders? Where is the splendid hell you promised me?" cries Gates.

"Oh that, that was just a demo..."

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"The Young Business Man On The Phone"

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"

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"Big John In The Old West"

A bar owner in the Old West has just hired a timid new bartender. The owner of the establishment is giving his new hire some instructions on running the place. He tells the timid man, "If you ever hear that Big John is coming to town, drop everything and run for the hills!! He's the meanest, biggest, nastiest outlaw who ever lived!!"

A few weeks pass uneventfully. But one afternoon, a local cowhand comes running through town yelling, "Big John is coming to town!! Run for your lives!!!"

When the bartender exits the saloon to start running, he's knocked to the ground by several townspeople scurrying out of town. As he's picking himself up, he sees a large man approaching the saloon, probably about 7 feet tall, muscular, grunting and growling as he walks.

He stomps up to the door, orders the poor barkeep inside, and demands, "I want a beer NOW!!"

He pounds his heavy fist on the bar, splitting it in half. The bartender nervously hands the big man a beer, hands shaking. He takes the beer, rips the top of the bottle off with his teeth, and downs the beer in one gulp.

As the poor timid bartender cowers behind the bar, the big man gets up to leave. "Do you want another beer?" the bartender calls out.

"Dang it, I don't have time!!" the big man yells. "I gotta get out of town!!! Didn't ya hear Big John is a-comin??"

[Shammu]

"The Iowan Purchases A Chain Saw"

An Iowan walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The Iowan is suitably impressed, and buys it.

The next day he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY!"

The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the Iowan says, "What's that noise?"

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"Lucky Frog Story"

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron."

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked.

He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"

The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks.

"Ribbit. 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life.

The man asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"

The frog says, "Ribbit, Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks,"What do you think I should bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man trusts the frog. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.

He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 25-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
   

[Shammu]

"The Widower Playing Golf"

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eys, and bows down in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

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"The Blondes Who Finished The Jigsaw Puzzle"

A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast, "Here's to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks. Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.

The bartender says, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?"

One of the blondes explains, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box '2-4 years,' but we finished it in 51 days!"

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"Is The Dog Dead?"

A woman took her dog to the vet "Doctor," she said, "I think my dog is dead". The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn't move.
"Yes, your dog is dead," says the doctor.
"How much do I owe you?" the lady asks.
"$345," says the doctor.
"$345!!?" the lady asks.
"Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."

[Shylynne]

"Contrariwise", continued Tweedledee, "If it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic."

Do not adjust your mind, there is a fault in reality.

 

[Shammu]

BEST  LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND  PROBABLY THE CENTURY.  
A  Charlotte,  NClawyer purchased a box of very rare and  expensive cigars, then insured them against fire, among other things. Within a  month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet  having made even his first
premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim  against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the  cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to  pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the  normal fashion.

The lawyer sued.. and WON! (Stay with me.)
In  delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer "held a  policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable  and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining  what  is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.  Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company  accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires".


NOW FOR  THE BEST PART
After the lawyer cashed the check, the  insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own  insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the  lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was  sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Placewinner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.  

ONLY  IN AMERICA!

[Shammu]

Costello calls to buy a computer from Abbott

ABBOTT and COSTELLO Buy A Computer
Remember ABBOTT and COSTELLO Jokes? Hope you enjoy
this one. In today's world, Bud ABBOTT and Lou
COSTELLO's famous sketch "Who's on first?" might have
turned out something like this....

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT . . . .
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks.I'm setting up an office in my den
and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer.I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in
the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows.I need a computer and
software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer!I need something I can
use to write proposals,track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer?
How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A FEW DAYS LATER . .
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START"..........  

[Shammu]

"The Sin Of Lying"

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
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"Comments At Your Funeral"

Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?  The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ...  Look, He's Moving!
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"The Misunderstood Boy Learning ABC's"

There was a boy who wanted to go out for recess. His teacher asked, "First tell me your ABC's". That night, the kid asks his mother "What're my ABC's?" She says, "Shut up!" He asks his sister the same question. She says, "yeah, yeah". He asks his brother his ABC's. The broter, who was reading comics, said, "Superman!" The boy asks his father his ABC's. The father, who had just lost his job, said, "Crud."  The next day, the teacher asked the boy his ABC's. He said "Shut up" She said "Do you want to go to the principal's office?" He said, "yeah, yeah."  In the principal's office, the principal demanded, "Who do you think you are?" The boy yelled, "Superman!" The principal said, "What do you think this school is made out of?" The boy answered, "Crud."
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"The Florist's Mistake"

On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy". While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. "Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen." "But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party." "Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper. "'Congratulations on your new location'." was the reply.

[Shammu]

"Collecting Snails For Dinner Party"

 A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important  guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any  snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down  the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails , he  noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little  further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.  All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right  over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next  morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.  There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a  very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all  this time.  He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then  back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"
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"The Bible"

There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying. Flying made her nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing. After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?" The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible." He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?" She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible." He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him." "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically. "Then you can ask him." replied the lady.
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"God Will Provide"

A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar." he replies.  "A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"  "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.  The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions,  the young idealist insists that God will provide.  Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the bad news is he  thinks I'm God."
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"Priest & Nun Spend The Night Together"

A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep. There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag." Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the  nun said "Father, I'm cold." He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got  the blanket and put it on her. Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm still very cold." He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again. Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold." This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the  wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're  married." The nun said, "That's fine by me." To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and get your own stupid blanket!"