Laughter - Good Medicine

[Shammu]

"Going Out And Dancing All Night"

 It's the spring of 1957, and Bobby's ready to pick up his date. He's a  pretty hip guy with his own car. When he gets to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says. "That's cool" says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.  Carrie's father responds "Why don't you two go out and dance? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to dance. She'd dance all night if we let her!" Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
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"Overpopulation of Nerds"

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "Nerds Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!" He goes in and sits down.  The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says, "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?" The truck driver says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I am hauling." The bartender  says, "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds." and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his  glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver said, totally shocked, "Why did you do that?" The bartender said, "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license." The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads  back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers  wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.  He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in  the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out  of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure," said the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."
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"Perfect Golf Shot For The Wife"

Bob stood over his tee sot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his backswing. Finally his exasperated partner asked, "what the hell is taking so long?" "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot." "Good lord!" his companion exlaimed. "You don't have a snowball's of a chance, of hitting her from here."

[Shammu]

"Rednecks Drinking & Driving"

One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!" "Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl. They finished their  beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?" "No sir," said Earl, "we're on the patch."
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"Drunk Guy In Confessional"

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed  to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow  was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?" "I dunno." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"

I'm sure beeps has heard the first 2.
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"Guards Reading Prisoner's Mail"

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"  The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter:  "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."  A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with  shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."  The prisoner wrote another letter back:  "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
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"Walking Across Water"

A rabbi, a priest and a pastor were all in a boat together fishing. The pastor said to the others, "I think I am going to go over to that shore and sit down." So, he gets out of the boat, walks across the water and  sits down on the shore. Then, the priest says to the rabbi, "I think I going to go over there to join him." So, he does the same as the pastor and sits next to him on the shore. The rabbi thinks to himself, "Well, if they can do it, so can I!" So, he climbs out of the boat, but he falls in the water.  The pastor says to the priest, "Do you think we should of told him where  the rocks were?"
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"Rabbit Coming Back To Life"

 Rabbit resuscitation... A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to he car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned  around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 meters. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: " 'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."

[Shammu]

"Clinton's Pearly Gates Clock"

Hillary had an accident and an early demise. Arriving at the Pearly Gates,  she stomped up to the head of the line at St. Peter's desk. St. Peter politely informed her that down on Earth she may have had  privileges, but up here she would have to wait her turn in line. While waiting, she noticed one wall covered with hundreds of thousands of  clocks and she noticed that occasionally one would jump ahead by 15 minutes.  She asked the person sitting next to her what this was all about. "Well, as I understand it, each of these clocks represents some man down on Earth. Each time he commits adultery, his time is advanced by 15 minutes." "Can you tell me which is my husband's clock?" Hillary asked St. Peter. "Oh, yes," St. Peter replied. "God has it in his office. He uses it as a fan."
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"What Is S**?"

 An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"  The father was surprised that she would ask such a question,  but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees." When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
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"Lawyer Joke / Pearly Gates Joke"

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven,  they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship  that crashed into an iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.  St. Peter turned to the garbage man and decided to make the question a little harder, "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "About 1,500." "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
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"Too Many Confessions Of Adult**"

An old priest was getting sick and tired of all the people in his parish  who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday in the pulpit he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Everyone liked him, so the parishioners came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a  ripe old age. About a week later, the new priest visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something  about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing  that no one had told the new priest about the code word.  The priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week."
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"Fishing License"

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten  track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through  the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught  up to him. "Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped. With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid  fishing license. "Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!" "Yes, sir," replied the young guy, "but my friend back there, well, he don't have one."

[Shammu]

"Cigars For The Judge"

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer.  "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" "Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that  would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the  defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for  the tip about the cigars. It worked!" "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them." "But, I did send them." "What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously. "Yes. That's how we won the case." "I don't understand," said the lawyer. "It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's  business card."
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"Blind Man In Texas"

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The  person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the  bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."  The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and  skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
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"Shirley's Makeover"

A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?" God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live." Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it. She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?" God replied, "Shirley! I didn't recognize you!"
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One just for you beeps

"Slow Down vs. Stop"

One day a policeman stopped a motorist who had just gone through a four way stop sign and was about to give him a ticket when the motorist said. "Officer you can't give me a ticket for that!' "Why not" said the officer. "Because although I did not stop I slowed right down and its almost the same." "But you did not stop" replied the officer, "and the sign says STOP." "But the way was clear and it was safe" replied the motorist. The officer then pulls out his batton and starts hitting the motorist. "What are you doing!" yells the motorist in surprise. "Do you want me to slow down or stop" says the officer.

[Shammu]

Groan!!

12 Inches Nose
Q. Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
A. Because then it would be a foot!

6 Afraid of 7
Q. Why was 6 afraid of 7?
A. Because 789!

About The Butter
Q. Have you heard the joke about the butter?
A. I better not tell you, it might spread.

About The Roof
Q. Did you hear the joke about the roof?
A. Never mind, it's over your head!

Afraid of Santa
 Q. What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa?
A. A Clausterphobic

After Washing Face
Do you look in the mirror after you've washed your face ?
No, I look in a towel !

Alien to The Garden
Q. What did the alien say to the garden?
A. Take me to your weeder.

Animals in the Ark
How did Noah see the animals in the Ark at night ?
By flood lighting !

Astronaut's Favorite Place
Q. What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer?
A. The Space bar!

Band Stand
Q. How do you make a bandstand?
A. Take away their chairs!

[Shylynne]

Dreamweaver  one of these jokes NEEDS the caption removed  

 

[Shylynne]

give you a *hint*

ahem! #570 on: Today at 12:26:41am  


some have licked bars of soap for better language

you may ask if ingesting soap is whats wrong with me?


ah yes it could be  

smartin up dw  

[Jemidon2004]

Dating Rules:

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I
propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will
make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a
goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless master of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my
daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

ROFLMHO!! That's very good beeps. I enjoyed that...i'll keep that in mind next time i go out on a date...lol. I've heard worse than that man. I just feel for my cousin. The guys that date her have to go through a variety of tests...cause my uncle was a marine...and i think he's got an entire arsenal at his house...anyway...that was a good laugh dude...i'll keep a lookout for the guy with the camouflaged face in the window...God Bless
Joshua

[nChrist]

A man took his wife deer hunting, they decided to split up to improve their chances of finding a deer. The man explained to his wife that the woods were full of dishonest hunters who might try to claim her deer if she managed to kill one. In case this happened, she should fire her rifle into the air three times, to summon him for assistance. They went their separate ways, and soon he heard a shot, followed by three quick shots. He followed the direction of the sound, and found his wife holding a man at gunpoint. She said "It was just like you told me, I killed this deer fair and square and this man says its his." The husband pointed his rifle at the stranger, who placed his hands in the air and said "She's welcome to keep it, but I would like to get my saddle back."

[sincereheart]

A man took his wife deer hunting, they decided to split up to improve their chances of finding a deer. The man explained to his wife that the woods were full of dishonest hunters who might try to claim her deer if she managed to kill one. In case this happened, she should fire her rifle into the air three times, to summon him for assistance. They went their separate ways, and soon he heard a shot, followed by three quick shots. He followed the direction of the sound, and found his wife holding a man at gunpoint. She said "It was just like you told me, I killed this deer fair and square and this man says its his." The husband pointed his rifle at the stranger, who placed his hands in the air and said "She's welcome to keep it, but I would like to get my saddle back."

  *mutters about men*  



Watch out! If women can't tell a deer from a horse, then mules may not be safe, either!    


 

[nChrist]

  *mutters about men*  



Watch out! If women can't tell a deer from a horse, then mules may not be safe, either!    


 

   Many places allow hunting ONLY bucks. If you bag a mule without antlers, tie some dead tree limbs on its head.  

(Small print: now in hiding)

[Shammu]

  *mutters about men*  



Watch out! If women can't tell a deer from a horse, then mules may not be safe, either!    


 

Well if a woman shot a horse, she should have to skin it, gut it, and clean it.

Exit stage right in a panic.

[sincereheart]

*Looks for some antlers to tie on mules....*

*Looks for K-Bar to start skinnin'....*


Takes aim at MULES MEN!  





 

[Reba]

DONKEYS?

[Shammu]

A vampire joke
What's a vampire's favourite sport?
Batminton!

A werewolf joke
What do you call a werewolf that drinks too much?
A whino!

A witch joke
Where did the witch get her furniture?
From the ideal gnome exhibition!

A skeleton joke
Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
He had no body to go with!

A cannibal joke
What happened at the cannibal's wedding party?
They toasted the bride and groom!

A ghost joke
How can you tell if a corpse is angry?
It flips its lid!