Laughter - Good Medicine

[Shammu]

"In his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said
that he wanted to defeat George Bush and the 'economy of
privilege.' Then he hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the
multi-million dollar Heinz food fortune." - Jay Leno
 
"A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South
is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern
blacks is obvious. He is an ultra-liberal, ultra-wealthy
white man who lives far, far away." - Dennis Miller
 
"The big winner on Super Tuesday was Senator John Kerry. He won 39 percent of the vote, which is pretty good, and begs the question, why the long face?" - Jay Leno
 
"In his speech last night, John Kerry said this was the
beginning of the end of the Bush administration. I agree.
Sure, it will probably take another five years, but this is it."
-Jay Leno

[Shammu]

To ensure fairness, we'll bring your George W. Bush jokes on the eve of the Republican National Convention.

"John Kerry told Tom Ridge he was too busy to receive a Homeland Security briefing. I thought that was odd, since you're not supposed to ignore terrorist threats until after you become president." David Letterman

"There was an embarrassing moment at a recent Democratic fundraiser. When John Kerry was handed a $10 million dollar check, he said, 'I do.'" Craig Kilborn

"John Kerry suspended his campaign for five days this week in honor of President Reagan. And right now, he's ahead in the polls. How's that make him feel? Disappears for a week and he's up in the polls. What else can he do now but go into hiding." Jay Leno

"'Shrek 2' made over $120 million during its first week. In a related story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him." Conan O'Brien

And thats the news and all the news tonight.......

[Evangelist]

Two Rabbis were on the way to the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem. Avram looked at Hiram and said "why the long face, Hiram".

Hiram replied "ach! I just don't know what to do. Last night my son Ehud came home and told me that he had fallen in love with a lovely girl, and wanted to marry her, and she's a Christian, and he wants to be a Christian too and go to a seminary and be a preacher! HE WANT'S TO BE A CHRISTIAN!"

Avram said," oh my, I understand. Funny you should mention that, because last night my daughter Ruth came home and told me that she had met a wonderful young man, and was going to marry him, and he is a evangelist for a full-gospel church, and she had already been baptised and was going off with him. NOW SHE'S A CHRISTIAN!!"

About this time, they had reached the Wailing Wall, and both men began to tear at their clothes, and moan, and both lifted up their faces and hands to heaven and poured out their hearts and problems to God.

After each had told God of what their children were doing, suddenly the heavens shone brightly, and a big voice full of sympathy echoed out.....

"Funny you should mention that......"

[Shammu]

News is in that the Taliban's members are extremely offended by being called "towel heads." We have been informed that they do NOT wear towels on their heads.

They wear sheets. In the future please call them "sheet heads."



Dear Abby,

My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and supporters. They know he is a lying cheat, but they just ignore the issue.
He is a hard worker but many of his coworkers are leery of him. Every time he gets caught, he denies it all. Then he admits that he was wrong and begs me to forgive him.
This has been going on for so long, everyone in town knows he is a lying cheat. To top it off, he ignores me just because I am a lesbian.
Abby, I just don't know what to do.
Signed,
Frustrated


Dear Frustrated:

You should dump him. Now that you are finally a New York Senator, you don't need him anymore.

I know GROAN.

[Shammu]

President Bush, Donald Rumsfeld and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the bartender, "Isn't that Bush, Rumsfeld and Powell sitting over there?"
Bartender says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW I I I ".
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Rumsfeld says, "Well, we're going to kill 25 million Iraqis this time and one bicycle repairman."
The guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman? Why kill a bicycle repairman?
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smartie?! I told you no one would worry about the 25 million Iraqis!"



The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened.
When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news.
"Ma," he shouted, "the results are in. I won the election!"
"Honestly?"
The politician's smiled faded. "Aw, heck, Ma, why bring that up at a time like this?"



There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in the USA.
Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil!
We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for this is purely geographical. All the oil is in Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, Wyoming, etc.
All the dipsticks are in Washington, DC.

[Shammu]

"I can't believe that we are going to let a majority of the people decide what is best for this state." -- Rep. John Travis, D-Jackson

"This amendment does more damage than it does harm." --Rep. Cynthia Willard-Lewis, D-New Orleans

"Y'all are hurting my tender ears. I would appreciate it if y'all would scream one at a time." -- House Speaker John Alario, D-Westwego

"I was 15 years old before I ate my first chicken without tire tracks." -- Rep. Jay McCallum, D-Farmerville

Describing how it is to run through a gauntlet of lobbyists to get to the Senate chamber: "They're lined up like cooters on a log on a sunshiny day." -- Sen. B.B. "Sixty" Rayburn, D-Bogalusa


Afghan TV Guide
MONDAYS:
8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"
9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
10:00 - "Allah McBeal"

TUESDAYS:
8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune"
8:30 - "The Price is Right If Usama Says Its Right"
9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Afganistans Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"

WEDNESDAYS:
8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
8:30 - "When Northern Alliance Attack"
900 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread"
9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"
10:00 - "Veilwatch"

THURSDAYS:
8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
9:00 - "Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils"
9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"
10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"

FRIDAYS:
8:00 - "Judge Laden"
8:30 - "Funniest Super 8 Home Movies"
9:00 - "Captured Northern Alliance Rebels Say the Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Achmeds Creek"
10:00 - "No-witness News"
11:00 - "Beavis and Raghead"
12:00 - "This Old Tent" with Bob Villain

NEWS FLASH

SUNDAY EVENING:
11:00 - BOMBS AWAY!

[Shammu]

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama bin Ladin and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state."
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
Uncle Sam (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out. It's virtually impenetrable."
Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."


At a meeting for peace negotiations President Bush and Sadamm Hussein were in Iraq. When Bush sat down in the conference room he noticed Saddamm had three buttons on the arm of his chair. After a few minutes, Sadamm pressed the first button and a boxing glove sprung up and hit Bush square in the jaw.
In the spirit of peace Bush decided to ignore this and continued talking until Sadamm pressed the second button and a wooden bat swung out and hit Bush in the chin.
Sadamm started laughing, but again Bush ignored this and continued.
A minute later Bush saw Sadamm press the third button so he jumped in the air, but a big boot sprung out and hit him in the stomach. Bush had decided he had enough of this and when back home.
Three weeks later the peace negotiations were re-scheduled in Washington DC and Sadamm sat down in Bush's conference room. He noticed that Bush also had three buttons on the arm of his chair.
A little while after they started talking Bush pressed the first button but nothing happened. Bush started giggling.
They continued to talk then Bush pressed the second button. Sadamm moved, but again nothing happened. Sadamm was getting a little jumpy and Bush was laughing even harder now.
A few minutes later Bush pressed the third button and his stomach started hurting because he was laughing so hard, but like the others nothing happened.
Sadamm had enough of this, stood up and said, "That's it! I'm going back to Iraq!"
To which Bush replied, "What Iraq?"

[Shammu]

The President was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon.
"Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, "there's good news and bad news."
"Oh, no" muttered the President. "Well, let me have the bad news first."
"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet."
"Gosh, and the good news?"
"The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil."


The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.
"What brings you before the Great Wizard?"
Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage."
"No problem" says the Wizard, "Who is next?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well.. Well.. Well.. I need a brain."
"Done," says the Wizard. "Who comes next before the Great Wizard?"
Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."
"I've heard it's true," says the Wizard. "Consider it done."
Then there is a great silence. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?"
"Is Dorothy around?"

[Shammu]

When Chelsea Clinton was eight, Hillary was reading one of her favorite fairy tales.
"Mommy," asked Chelsea, "Do all fairy tales begin with "Once Upon a Time...?"
"No, dearest," replied Hillary, "sometimes they start with 'Darling, I have to work a little late at the office tonight."

Dr. Suess in Flordia
Can we count them with our nose?
Can we count them with our toes?
Should we count them with a band?
Should we count them all by hand?
If I do not like the count,
I will simply throw them out!

I will not let this vote count stand
I do not like them, AL GORE I am!

Can we change these numbers here?
Can we change them, calm my fears?
What do you mean, Dubya has won?
This is not fair, this is not fun
Let's count them upside down this time
Let's count until the state is mine!

I will not let this VOTE count stand!
I do not like it, AL GORE I am!

I'm really ticked, I'm in a snit!
You have not heard the last of it!
I'll count the ballots one by one
And hold each one up to the sun!
I'll count, recount, and count some more!
You'll grow to hate this little chore

But I will not, cannot let this vote count stand!
I do not like it, AL GORE I am!

I won't leave office, I'm stayin' here!
I've glued my desk chair to my rear!
Tipper, Hillary, and Bubba too,
All telling me that I should sue!
We find the Electoral College vile!
RECOUNT the votes until I smile!

We do not want this vote to stand!
We do not like it, AL GORE I am!

How shall we count this ballot box?
Let's count it standing in our socks!
Shall we count this one in a tree?
And who shall count it, you or me?
We cannot, cannot count enough!
We must not stop, we must be tough!

I do not want this vote to stand!
I do not like it, AL GORE I am!

What's that? What? What are you trying to say?
You think the current count should stay?
You do not like my counting scheme?
It makes you tense, gives you bad dreams?
Foolish people, you're wrong you'll see!
Your only care should be for me!

I will not let this vote count stand!
I do not like it, and AL GORE I am!

[Shammu]

Republicans Democrats
The difference between Republicans & Democrats

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person.

The republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, He decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republicans pocket and gave him fifty dollars.

[Shammu]

What day is that day?
My four year old and I were discussing holidays, and I asked him, "What is the day which comes after Halloween when you have turkey?"

My husband quickly answered, "Election day."

----------------------------------------------------

The American myth is that every boy can grow up to be President.

The Bush reality now is that the boy doesn't have to grow up?!

[Shammu]

Short laughs, quips, and groaners

Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't.

There's one thing the Democrats and Republicans share in common: Our money.

...Veni, Vedi, Clinti--I came, I saw, I lied.
-------------------------------------------------

A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with 'Once Upon A Time'?"

He replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If elected I promise'."

[Shammu]

Funny Quotes from Gore
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/22/97

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/5/93

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/15/95

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 5/22/98

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'"

-- Vice President Al Gore, 12/6/93

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 11/30/96

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"The future will be better tomorrow."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/21/97

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."

-- Vice President Al Gore to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe."

-- Vice President Al Gore

[Brother Love]

Republicans Democrats
The difference between Republicans & Democrats

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person.

The republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, He decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republicans pocket and gave him fifty dollars.

ROFLOL, How TRUE

<))><

[sincereheart]

A new bar opened and everyone in town was talking about it. The buzz was because it had a robot-bartender. One fellow had to see this for himself, so in he goes and sits at the bar.

Sure enough, a robot was bar tending. The man orders a drink, and the robot asks him what his IQ is. The man replies that his IQ is 150. With that, the robot begins discussing nuclear physics, hydrogen power cells, and the current state of the global atmosphere.

This fellow is impressed. He wants to see what happens if he doesn't claim to be quite as bright. So, he leaves the bar and comes right back in and sits at the bar. Again, the robot asks him for his IQ. This time the guy tells him it's 100. So the robot starts discussing football, basketball, and the proper way to grill a steak.

Wow, this is amazing and it piques the man's interest in seeing how good this robot really is. Thus, he leaves and comes back in for a third time. This time he tells the robot that his IQ is 50. The robot replies: "So, are you democrats really going to vote for Kerry?"