Laughter - Good Medicine

[nChrist]

You Know Your Getting Old When...

You have breakfast in bed as a necessity rather than as a luxury.
You remember that your teen heart throb was Vincent Price.
You hear about CROWDED HOUSING and think it is some sort of new federal program.
You are anxiously awaiting your local yogurt store to come out with "oatmeal bran" flavor.
You can no longer even remember your true hair color.
You have stopped counting freckles and started tabulating age spots.
You hear a Beatles record on the elevator at the Doctor's Building and you know the words.
The salesgirls laugh when you suggest that white is the color for a wedding.
Your favorite radio star is given an award, posthumously.
You see antique stores selling old Remington Portable Typewriters, and you purchase one.
Your doctor is just old enough to be your grand-daughter.
You remember when the outfit you are wearing was first in style.
You realize that if John Wayne were your age, he would be dead 22 years.
The kid who repairs your windshield wiper is the same age as your greatgrandson.
You keep shopping for a shampoo with Lanolin extract in it.
Plowing the fields involved putting the harness on the horse.
You sign a petition for Lawrence Welk Show reruns on the local television station.
You ask for beer shampoo and no one knows what you are talking about.
You know what Bon Ami is.
You reach for Watkin's Liniment for any sort of pain.
You recall when milk came in glass bottles and they were recycled automatically
You used to enjoy your bath with floating soap and trying to sink it.
You can remember getting tired legs simply from using the sewing machine.
You knew a time when people who worked in shoe stores knew something about shoes.
You can remember when there was no such thing as a phone answering machine.
You recall asking your wife's parents for permission to take her on a date.
You survived entire summers without air conditioning.
You really enjoyed brushing your teeth with Colgate.
You remember that all people did with grass was cut it.
Your idea of obscenity is jogging.
You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
You sink your teeth into a nice steak and they stay there.
You can make the wrinkles you see in the mirror disappear, simply by taking off your glasses.
You get your full share of exercise acting as a pallbearer for those who took their exercise.
You stop buying natural foods, because you need all the preservatives you can get.
Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
You feel like the night before, and you haven't been anywhere.
You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it is leaning against the wrong wall.
You join a health club and don't go.
You get out of the shower and are glad the mirror is all fogged up.
That gleam in your eye is from the sun, hitting your bifocals.
You begin to outlive enthusiasm.
Your little black book contains lots of names, all of which end in M.D.
You get winded, playing chess.
Your children begin to look middle aged.
You decide to procrastinate, but never get around to doing it.
You are still chasing women, but you can't remember why.
Your favorite feature in the newspaper is "Twenty-Five Years Ago Today."
Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
A dripping tap causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.
After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before you apply the second coat.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You turn out the light for economic rather than romantic reasons.
You are l7 around the neck, 54 around the waist, and 96 around the golf course.
You remember today that yesterday was your anniversary.
You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
That little gray haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
The best part of your day is over when the alarm clock goes off.
You walk around with your head held high, trying to get used to the trifocals.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't make it go.
Your idea of a long trip is to the BACK of the K-Mart.
Dialing long distance wears you out.
Your pharmacist offers to carry the bag of medicines to the car for you.
You go to the barber shop and the barber asks why.
You're startled as someone addresses you as "old timer," for the first time.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You burn the midnight oil after 9:00 PM.
Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up and down as you watch a young girl walk by.
Your back goes out more often than you do.
A fortune teller offers to read your face.
You regret making all those mistakes, resisting temptations.
You really don't look forward to celebrating your next birthday.
You not only get a senior citizen discount, but the clerk comments you should!
Your idea of a sports event is a wheelchair race.
You get tired watching the fish swim around in the aquarium.
Most of your day is spent making appointments with different doctors.
You get up at night and go to the bathroom and can't recall why.
You check the obituaries in the paper for your daily status report.
A funeral director calls and makes idle conversation, asking how you feel.
Pushing the buttons on the remote control for television is confusing.
You sit and envy your parakeet for the energy it has to move around so much.
You find TV ads for new laxatives interesting.
You lose an argument with a phone answering device.
Your idea of a complete day is to be able to finish the crossword puzzle.
You argue with your best friend about which denture adhesive is better.
You take real interest in hospital admissions listed in the paper, to keep track of your friends.
You've been driving for 46 years and are now upset about taking a driver exam.
You visit a friend in the hospital and the emergency staff come toward you with a wheelchair.
While trying to work out your hospital bill, you  to take medication for your blood pressure.
That last visit to the specialist cost you more than you earned in the first four years at work.
Taking out a three year subscription to a magazine is an act of positive thinking and optimism.
You decide to put off one more day what you decided to put off one more day.
You find yourself taking pleasure in comparative shopping cemetery lots.
You really don't care who wins the Reader's Digest Sweepstakes.
No matter who is elected or what they say, taxes get raised.
You can remember when Doctors recommended Chesterfield Cigarettes 5 to l.
Your idea of strenuous exercise is a Bridge tournament.
You get excited simply watching the Weather Channel on television.
You go to the Mall not to shop but get a free blood pressure examination.
You look forward to the next sale on Supporthose.
You go to a sporting goods store to check prices on walking shoes.
Licking stamps on your letters is a hard day's work.
Thinking about alternatives just wears you out.
You've got it all together, but you don't remember what to do with it.
The doctor tells you that you are as sound as a dollar, and you get very upset and worried.
Your idea of a wild drinking party is a medium size Coca Cola.
You notice that your high school classmate looks older than sin.
You are on a first name basis with the chief surgical nurse at the hospital.
You can recall when service stations actually were.
You call the ambulance dispatcher and he tells you your address.
You begin to lose hope of ever finishing your Green Stamp book.
You can remember when it wasn't necessary to call the bank before the plumber.


(Now - This is a groaner)

[nChrist]

(This area is for men only, so you might be safe reading this)

The Rules Of Women:


The female always makes the rules.                        

No male can possibly know all the rules.                                                  

The rules are subject to change at any time without notification.                                              

If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she MUST immediately change some or all of the rules.                        

The female is never wrong.    

If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said.

If rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.

The Male must never change his mind without written consent from the Female.    

The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.    

The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.    

Any attempt to document these rules could result in bodily harm.

If the Female has PMS, all rules are null and void.

[nChrist]

Useful Phrases:


"Akbar khalikili haftir lotfan"
(Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun)

"Shomaeh fekr tamomeh oeh gofteh bande"
(I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life)

"Auto arraregh davateman mano sephehhast"
(It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car)

"Khrel jepaheh maneh vajateii amrikahey"
(I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies travelling as  reporters)

"Balli, balli, balli!"
(Whatever you say!)

"Maternier ghermez ahlieh, ghorban"
(The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency)

"Tikeh nuneh ba ob khrelleh bezorg va khrube boyast ino begeram"
(The watersoaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe)

[nChrist]

Laws:

O'REILLY'S LAW OF THE KITCHEN
Cleanliness is next to impossible.

LIEBERMAN'S LAW
Everybody lies; but it doesn' matter, since nobody listens.

DENNISON'S LAW
Virtue is its own punishment.

GOLD'S LAW
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

HANDY GUIDE TO MODERN SCIENCE
If it's green or it wiggles - it's biology
If it stinks, it's chemistry
If it doesn't work, it's physics

CONWAY'S LAW
In any organization there will always be one person who knows what  is going on.  This person MUST be fired.

GREEN'S LAW OF DEBATE
Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.

STEWART'S LAW OF RETROACTION
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

FIRST RULE OF HISTORY
History doesn't repeat itself --- historians merely repeat each others.

FINSTER'S LAW
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

OLIVER'S LAW OF LOCATION
No matter where you go, there you are.

LYNCH'S LAW
When the going gets tough - everyone leaves.

GLYME'S FORMULA FOR SUCCESS
The secret of success is sincerity.  Once you can fake it, you've got it made.

MASON'S FIRST LAW OF SYNERGISM
The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.

THE SAUSAGE PRINCIPLE
People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either one being made.

HARRISON'S POSTULATE
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

HALON'S RAZOR
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.

MUIR'S LAW
When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe.

[nChrist]

A Rotten Day!

You know it's going to be a ROTTEN DAY when...
1.  You wake up face down on the footpath.
2.  You put your bra on backwards, and it fits better.
3.  You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
4.  You see a '60 Minutes' team waiting in your office.
5.  Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
6.  You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party, and there aren't any.
7.  You put on the News and they are showing emergency routes out of  the city.
8.  Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
9.  Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of 'Hell's Angels' along the freeway.
10. The boss tells you not to bother taking off your coat.
11. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
12. You walk to work and then find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose (that's even more embarrassing for ladies).
13. You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.
14. Your blind date turns out to be your wife.
15. Your income tax cheque bounces.
16. You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
17. Your wife say's 'Good morning, Bill' and your name is John.

[Shylynne]

You know it's going to be a ROTTEN DAY when...
Your blind date turns out to be your wife.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

[nChrist]

   Shylynne,

Sister, I have a warped sense of humor, so I liked:

11. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

[Kristi Ann]

yadda buster!  

[nChrist]

yadda buster!  

Sister,

If this is in reference to the vulture joke, I identified with it since I feel they have been circling me for most of my life, either in police work or in illness since 1998. To be absent from the body is to be present in JESUS, so the outcome is JOY. Death is a worry, even for Christians, because we are weak humans, BUT:

For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.  Philippians 1:21

And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds though Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:7

So, I try not to worry about it. Sister, you and I share the same boat in more ways than one. I'm praying for you, and I would sincerely appreciate your prayers for me.

Love In Christ,
Tom

[Shammu]

yadda buster!  

Sister,

If this is in reference to the vulture joke, I identified with it since I feel they have been circling me for most of my life, either in police work or in illness since 1998. To be absent from the body is to be present in JESUS, so the outcome is JOY. Death is a worry, even for Christians, because we are weak humans, BUT:

For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.  Philippians 1:21

And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds though Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:7

So, I try not to worry about it. Sister, you and I share the same boat in more ways than one. I'm praying for you, and I would sincerely appreciate your prayers for me.

Love In Christ,
Tom

I have been on SSDI since 1998 beeps.
But I think you know you hae my prayers anyway......

[Shammu]

Kerry's Promise
John Kerry said if he is elected President, and quickly ending the war, he has a plan to divide Iraq into four major groups: regular, mid-grade, premium and diesel."

If elected Kerry also plans to ask Congress for $25 million to restore one of Saddams Palaces, "White House East" for his own personaluse, he seems to think he would be safer among terrorist than the Americans!

[Shammu]

Special Holidays...

In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation for Easter and Passover holidays and decided to contact his lawyer about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while the Atheists had no holiday to celebrate.

The case was brought before a wise judge who after listening to the long, passionate presentation of his lawyer, promptly banged his gavel and declared, "Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling and said, "Your Honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? Surely the Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. And the Jews--why in addition to Passover they have Yom Kippur and Hanukkah...and yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!"

The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said "Obviously your client is too confused to know about or to celebrate the atheists' holiday!"
The lawyer pompously said "We are aware of no such holiday for atheists, just when might that be, your honor?"

The judge said "Well it comes every year on exactly the same
date--April 1st!"

[Shammu]

Happy birthday to you!

A couple phoned a neighbor to extend birthday greetings.
They dialed the number and then sang "Happy Birthday" to
him. But when they finished their off-key rendition, they
discovered that they had dialed the wrong number.

"Don't let it bother you," said a strange but amused
voice. "You folks need all the practice you can get."

[Shammu]

COMEDIANS ON KERRY
 
"The White House begun airing their TV commercials to
re-elect the president, and the John Kerry campaign is
condemning his use of 9/11 in the ads. He said, it is
unconscionable to use the tragic memory of a war in
order to get elected, unless of course, it's the Vietnam War."
-Jay Leno
 
"John Kerry has promised to take this country back from the
wealthy. Who better than the guy worth $700 million to take
the country back? See, he knows how the wealthy think. He
can spy on them at his country club, at his place in Palm
Beach, at his house in the Hamptons. He's like a mole for
the working man." - Jay Leno
 
"I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that
he's already planning his White House sex scandal."
-David Letterman

[Shammu]

"Kerry has already begun his search for a running mate.
They say that because John Edwards still has $50 million in
>campaign money, Kerry might pick him. Pick him? Hey, for
$50 million, Kerry will change his position on gay marriage
and marry him." - Jay Leno
 
"Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now
supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy
has more positions than Paris Hilton." - David Letterman
 
"According to a new study, Botox injections can help back
pain. So you see, that's why John Kerry had all that Botox
 his back was killing him from all that flip-flopping on issues."  
- Jay Leno