Laughter - Good Medicine

[David_james]

What does a jester and an atheist have in common?
They are both fools.

What is the difference between a jester and an atheist?
One knows he is.

[HisDaughter]

What does a jester and an atheist have in common?
They are both fools.

What is the difference between a jester and an atheist?
One knows he is.

Good ones David!  

[HisDaughter]

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

[nChrist]

THANKS! - I NEEDED THE LAUGHS!

[HisDaughter]

The Evolution Of A Mom
Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first.

Your Clothes
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

The Baby's Name
1st baby: You pore over baby name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.

Preparing for the Birth
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette
1st baby: You perish your newborn's clothes, color coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Activities
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
 
 

[HisDaughter]

Fishing Terms Explained

Catch and Release - A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it's limit.

Hook - (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his live savings on a new rod and reel. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook).

Line - Something you give your coworkers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.

Lure - An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.

Reel - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.

Rod - An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.

School - A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for spam instead.

Tackle - What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.

Tackle Box - A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.

Test - (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (2) A measure of your creativity in blaming "that darn line" for once again losing the fish.
 
 

[HisDaughter]

New Company Travel Policy
MEMO-
To: All Employees
From: CEO (Chief Executive Officer)
Subject: REVISED TRAVEL POLICY (Under Obama's Rein)

Due to budget constraints, all company travel is subject to the
following changes in policy, effective immediately:

LODGING-
Employees are to utilize all friends and relatives who live
in the area you are visiting; if none are available, consider the
shelters for the homeless which are available in all major cities.
If weather permits, bridges and overpasses provide very good
protection from the elements and you have the opportunity to meet
new friends. Solar blankets are provided in the new travel packages
issued to all traveling employees.

MEALS-
Salad bars are the most effective as one plate will serve
four persons if no one is watching. Many grocery stores offer free
samples, and with creative disguises, you may be able to obtain a
full meal. Knowledge of indigenous roots, berries and other food
sources are encouraged. Remember to place unknown berries under
your lip for five minutes to determine if toxic. If you are
attending meetings at convention centers or hotels, then visiting
other meetings at meal times is certainly encouraged. A selection
of name badges is available in the new travel package so that you
will be able to get by any security.

TRAVEL-
Bus schedules are available in the Corporate Travel offices.
Hitchhiking is a viable consideration and you will find your safety
vest and sign board in your travel package. Airline tickets will
only be issued in extreme circumstances, and then to the most
economical destination.

ENTERTAINMENT-
The handbook "How Not to Pick Up the Cheque", is included in
your package. Memorize this information......never pick up a cheque
regardless of the embarrassment to yourself or others.

STRICT ADHERENCE TO THIS TRAVEL POLICY IS IMPERATIVE
 

[HisDaughter]

Copier Warning

This machine is subject to breakdown during periods of critical need.

A special circuit in the machine called a "critical detector" senses the operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he or she is to use this machine. The "critical detector" then creates a malfunction proportional to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence will only aggravate the situation. Likewise, attempts to use another machine may cause it to also malfunction. (They belong to the same union.) Keep cool and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work. Never let anything mechanical know you are in a hurry.
 
 

[HisDaughter]

A man was sick and tired
of going to work every day
while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went
through so he prayed:
'Dear Lord:
I go to work every day and put
in 8 hours while my wife
merely stays at home.
I want her to know what
I go through.
So, please allow her body to
switch with mine for a day.
'

God, in his infinite wisdom,
granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough,
the man awoke as a woman...
He arose, cooked breakfast
for his mate,
Awakened the kids,

Set out their school clothes,
Fed them breakfast,
Packed their lunches,
Drove them to school,
Came home and picked
up the dry cleaning,
Took it to the cleaners
And stopped at the bank
to make a deposit,

Went grocery shopping,
Then drove home to put
away the groceries,

Paid the bills and balanced
the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box
and bathed the dog..
Then, it was already 1 P.M.
And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum,
Dust, And sweep and mop
the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up
the kids and got into an argument
with them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and
got the kids organized to do
their homework.
Then, set up the ironing board
and watched TV while he
did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling
potatoes and washing
vegetables for salad,
breaded the pork chops
and snapped
fresh beans for supper.

After supper,
He cleaned the kitchen,
Ran the dishwasher,
Folded laundry,
Bathed the kids, And put
them to bed.
At 9 P.M. He was exhausted
and, though his daily chores
weren't finished, he went to
bed where he was expected to
make love, which he managed
to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke
and immediately knelt by the
bed and said: -
Lord, I don't know what
I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my
wife's being able to stay
home all day.
Please, Oh! Please,
let us trade back.. Amen!'
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:

'My son, I feel you have
learned your lesson and
I will be happy to change
things back to the way
they were.
You'll just have to wait
nine months, though.
You got pregnant last night.'

[David_james]

that is great grammy

[nChrist]

      - Now for a few groaners from my email:

Dog Employee

A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said, "Don't be alarmed. This is just part of my job."

"Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!"

"No, no," pleaded the dog. "Please don't! If that man finds out I can talk, he'll make me answer the phone, too!"

[nChrist]

Golf Friendless

"Bob, why don't you play golf with John anymore?" asked a friend.

"Would you play golf with a guy who moved the ball with his foot when you weren't watching?" Bob asked.

"Well, no," admitted the friend.

"Neither will John," replied Bob.

[nChrist]

Diagnosis

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

[nChrist]

Record Store

A woman meant to call a record store, but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme?'" she asked.

"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."

"Is that a record?" she inquired, puzzled in her turn.

"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."

[nChrist]

Golf Lesson

This fellow's wife was constantly nagging him to teach her to play golf. Finally, one morning he relented and off they went. The first hole was a par 3, 179 yards, and very pretty. The husband stepped up first and said, "Now watch me, and do the same thing." He hit a beautiful shot and landed on the green with about 30 feet to the cup.

The wife stepped up, drilled her ball, causing it to hook, ricochet off a tree, bounce off a rock and roll up onto the green - dropping into the cup.

The husband looked at this, and said, "OK, now you know how to play, let's go home."