Laughter - Good Medicine

[nChrist]

Doctor's Orders

Doctor: "I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What's your excuse?"

Patient: "I was just following your orders, Doc."

Doctor: "Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order."

Patient: "You told me to avoid people who irritate me."

[HisDaughter]

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.

"Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A little boy was watching his new baby brother who was crying full force.

"Where'd we get him, mom?" he asked.

"From Heaven," the mother answered.

The little boy wrinkled his nose and covered his ears with his hands and stated matter-of-factly, "This is probably why they didn't keep him there!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A daddy was listening to his child say his prayer "Dear Harold," ........ At this, dad interrupted and said, "Wait a minute, "How come you called God, Harold? The little boy looked up and said, "That's what they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be Thy name."

[nChrist]

    

Proposal Condition

Kurt was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the question. "Will you marry me, darling?" he asked.

Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink."

Kurt thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal, on one condition."

"What is that?" Lisa asked.

"You'll have to clean the cage," Kurt replied.

[Shammu]

For those of you. who are chocolate fans.

Chocolate Calculator

Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway, but the Hershey Man will know!

     

YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH!!!:


This is pretty neat.

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute.
Work this out as you read.
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, its fun.



1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10).




2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold).





3. Add 5.





4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator.





5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1759.  If you haven't, add 1758.





6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.






You should have a three digit number.









The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).










The next two numbers are:

YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!).

THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2009) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.

[HisDaughter]

During a sermon, the country preacher said to his congregation, "Now let the church walk." Deacon Jones said, "Amen, let it walk."

        "Let the church run," said the preacher. "Let it run," echoed Deacon Jones.

Let it fly," said the preacher. "Amen, brother, let the church fly," said Deacon Jones.

        "Now it's going to take money to let it fly, brother," said the preacher. "Let it walk," said Deacon Jones, "Let it walk."




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

        A pastor was talking to his farmer friend, and he asked the farmer, "If you had one hundred horses, would you give me fifty?" The farmer said, "Certainly."

        The pastor asked, "If you had one hundred cows, would you give me fifty?" The farmer said, "Yes."

        Then the pastor asked, "If you had two pigs, would you give me one?" The farmer said, "Now cut that out, pastor; you know I have two pigs!"

[nChrist]

      - Mine aren't this good, but here goes anyway.
_____________________

First Job Hunting

Recently, our 18-year-old daughter started hunting for her first real job. She spent an afternoon filling out applications, leaving them on the kitchen table to finish later. As I walked by, a section of the application on top jumped out at me. Under "Previous Employment" she wrote, "Baby sitting."

In answer to "Reason for Leaving" she wrote, "Parents came home."

[nChrist]

Gold Watch

A boss to a retiree:

"As a symbol of our gratitude, we have created this special gold watch to serve as a reminder of your many years with the company. It needs a lot of winding up, is always a little late, and every day at quarter to five, it stops working."

[nChrist]

Three Day Silence

My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.

She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"

"What's the matter?" I asked.

"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight."

"That'll teach them!" I replied.

[nChrist]

Two Feet

A teenager was always asking his father if he could borrow the family car. Pushed to the limit, the father asked his son why he thought God had given him two feet.

Without hesitation, the son replied, "That's easy, one for the clutch and one for the brake and accelerator."

[HisDaughter]

Getting Old

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, So I got my
doctor's permission to Join a fitness club and start exercising. I
decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated,
jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, By the time I got my
leotards on, The class was over.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as
sharp as it used to be.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never
liked anyway, The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and The
eyesight to tell the difference.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The nice thing about being senile is You can hide your own Easter eggs.

[nChrist]

          ROFL! - Great Ones - THANKS SISTER!

 

[HisDaughter]

Three  men married wives from different states.

Abe married Sally Mae in  Arkansas.  He told her that she was to do the  dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of  days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

 Juan married Maria in Arizona .  He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the  cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it  was better. By the third day, he saw his house was  clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

Ole married Lena in Minnesota. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry  washed, and hot meals on the table for every  meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third  day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his  arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

[nChrist]

Three  men married wives from different states.

Abe married Sally Mae in  Arkansas.  He told her that she was to do the  dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of  days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

 Juan married Maria in Arizona .  He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the  cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it  was better. By the third day, he saw his house was  clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

Ole married Lena in Minnesota. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry  washed, and hot meals on the table for every  meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third  day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his  arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

       ROFL! - I needed that laugh!

[HisDaughter]

How to stop a church gossip....

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business..
Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's
only bar one after noon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there
WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING !

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.  He didn't explain, defend, or deny.
He said nothing..

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... walked home . . .and left it there all night!!!

(You gotta love Frank!)

[HisDaughter]

"Four years ago, my cousin ran for state senator."
"What's he do now?"
"Nothing. He got elected."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why don't we ever hear of a thief burglarizing a politician's house?
Professional courtesy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mom: What makes you think our son will be a politician?
Dad: He says more things that sound good and mean nothing than any other boy on the block.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A political pollster knocked on the door and a sour-faced lady answered.
"What party does your husband belong to?" he asked.
The lady responded curtly, "I, sir, am the party he belongs to."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A bus full of politicians was speeding down a country road when it swerved into a field and crashed into a tree. The farmer who owned the field went over to investigate. Then he dug a hole and buried the politicians.

A few days later the sheriff drove by and saw the overturned bus. He knocked on the farmhouse door and asked where all the politicians had gone. The farmer said he had buried them. "They were all dead?" the sheriff asked.

"Well, some of them said they weren't," replied the farmer, "but you know how politicians lie."