Laughter - Good Medicine

[nChrist]

       

Anesthesiologist Bill

Margie received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $900 fee for the anesthesiologist.

She called his office to demand an explanation. "Is this some kind of mistake?" Margie asked when she got the doctor on the phone.

"No, not at all," the doctor said calmly. "Well," said Margie, "that's awfully costly for knocking someone out."

"Not at all," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free. The 900 dollars is for bringing you back around."

[HisDaughter]

Prison versus Work
Life in prison versus a full time job

In prison they spend the majority of their time in a 8'
x 10'cell. At work, I spend most of my time in a 6' x 8' pod.

In prison they get three meals a day. At work I only
get a break for one meal and I have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work I
get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

At work I must wear an ID badge at all times. In prison
they provide you with clothing with the ID conveniently sewn onto the
clothes.

At work there is a dress standard but I must buy my own
clothes. In prison there is a dress standard, but they supply the clothes.

At work I must carry around a security card and unlock
and open all the doors myself. In prison a guard locks and unlocks all
the doors for me.

In prison they can watch TV and play games. At work I
can get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they will pay my way through school to learn a
new career and give me time to do it. At work they will pay for my
education but I must do it on my own time.

In prison they have exercise rooms that they allow you
to use almost whenever you want. At work we have an exercise room
that you can use but it must be on your time.

In prison I can fall asleep on the job and no serious
consequences comes from my actions. At work if I fall asleep on the job I
get put on the next RIF list.

In prison they ball and chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball and chained.

In prison you have full medical coverage with no
deductibles. At work, you get partial coverage and pay all the deductibles.

In prison all expenses are paid by the tax payer, with
no work on their part. At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to
work, and then deduct the taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

A liberal's solution for crime is more work for the poor.
A conservative's solution is more prisons.
 
 

[nChrist]

Prison versus Work
Life in prison versus a full time job

In prison they spend the majority of their time in a 8'
x 10'cell. At work, I spend most of my time in a 6' x 8' pod.

In prison they get three meals a day. At work I only
get a break for one meal and I have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work I
get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

At work I must wear an ID badge at all times. In prison
they provide you with clothing with the ID conveniently sewn onto the
clothes.

At work there is a dress standard but I must buy my own
clothes. In prison there is a dress standard, but they supply the clothes.

At work I must carry around a security card and unlock
and open all the doors myself. In prison a guard locks and unlocks all
the doors for me.

In prison they can watch TV and play games. At work I
can get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they will pay my way through school to learn a
new career and give me time to do it. At work they will pay for my
education but I must do it on my own time.

In prison they have exercise rooms that they allow you
to use almost whenever you want. At work we have an exercise room
that you can use but it must be on your time.

In prison I can fall asleep on the job and no serious
consequences comes from my actions. At work if I fall asleep on the job I
get put on the next RIF list.

In prison they ball and chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball and chained.

In prison you have full medical coverage with no
deductibles. At work, you get partial coverage and pay all the deductibles.

In prison all expenses are paid by the tax payer, with
no work on their part. At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to
work, and then deduct the taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

A liberal's solution for crime is more work for the poor.
A conservative's solution is more prisons.
 
 

    I called and they have a waiting list!




(Small Print:    )

[nChrist]

Biggest Lie

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"

One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

[HisDaughter]

   I called and they have a waiting list!


(Small Print:   )

Biggest Lie

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"

One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

 

[HisDaughter]

Christian Pick-up Lines:

1) Nice bible.

2) I would like to pray with you.

3) You know Jesus? Me too.

4) God told me to come talk to you.

5) I know a church where we could go and talk.

6) How about a hug, sister?

7) Do you need help carrying your bible? It looks heavy.

Christians don't shake hands, Christians gotta hug.

9) Oh you are cold, Ecclesiastes 4:11.

10) Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?

11) What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a bible study?

12) I am here for you.

13) The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry." How about dinner?

14) You don't have an accountability partner? Me neither.

15) Do you want to come over and watch the Ten Commandments tonight?

16) Is it a sin that you stole my heart?

17) Would you happen to know a Christian woman (man) that I could love with all my heart and wait on hand and foot?

18) Nice bracelet (WWJD). What would Jesus date? I mean "do."

19) Do you believe in Divine appointment?

20) Have you ever tried praying at a drive-in movie before?

21) Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.

22) My friend told me to come and meet you, he said that you are a really nice person. I think you know him. Jesus, yeah, that's hisname.

23) You know they say that you have never really dated, until you have dated a Christian.

24) Yeah I predicted David over Goliath.

[HisDaughter]

A grandfather overheard his granddaughter repeating the alphabet in reverent, hushed tones.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"I'm praying, Grandpa," she said. "I can't think of the right words, so I just say all the letters. God will put them together for me, 'cause he knows what I'm thinking."

[HisDaughter]

This is a good one in order to establish whether you are mentally alert.
The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the
School of Psychiatry at Harvard University.

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it !

 1. This is this cat.
 2. This is is cat.
 3. This is how cat.
 4. This is to cat.
 5. This is keep cat.
 6. This is an cat.
 7. This is old cat.
 8. This is fart cat.
 9. This is busy cat.
 10. This is for cat.
 11. This is forty cat .
 12. This is seconds cat.

 Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top
 down.

[nChrist]

A grandfather overheard his granddaughter repeating the alphabet in reverent, hushed tones.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"I'm praying, Grandpa," she said. "I can't think of the right words, so I just say all the letters. God will put them together for me, 'cause he knows what I'm thinking."

AMEN! - I love this, and the little girl has everything 100% right! I'm certain that GOD loves to hear the prayers of the little ones, AND it really doesn't matter how limited their vocabulary is. If those little ones are really trying to talk to GOD, GOD will understand them and love them. After all, these little ones who love JESUS are the GREATEST IN THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, and we should know the rest of the things JESUS said about the little children in a most loving way.

Thanks Grammyluv!

[HisDaughter]

Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

----------------------------------------------------

A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"

-----------------------------------------------------

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."

[HisDaughter]

Church Signs

"Looking for a sign from God? This is it."

"No God -- No Peace. Know God -- Know Peace."

"Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"

"Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."

"Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"

An ad for St.Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holdingstone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline thatreads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."

When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red

letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own

message: "We are open on Sundays, too."

"Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons -- come hear one!"

A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church.

When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixedthe outside

sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed."

"People are like tea bags -- you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."


"God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."

"Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"

"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright."

"Sign broken: Message inside this Sunday."

"Fight truth decay . . . study the Bible daily."

"Where will you be sitting in eternity? Smoking or non-smoking?"

"Dusty Bibles lead to dirty lives."

"Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is

low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."

"I am going to waste, but Jesus recycled me."

"Our arms are the only ones God has to hug His children."

"It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."

"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."

"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."

"If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."

"Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire

insurance soon."

"This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?"

"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."

"In the dark? Follow the Son."

"Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up."

"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."

"God is on high . . . get your lift tickets here."

[nChrist]

Hello Grammyluv,

GREAT SIGNS!

However, many of them are serious and applicable. I'm thinking about making graphics with some of them. In fact, I already have on some of them:

 

[nChrist]

Cross Country Move

When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both of our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly asked, "How will we keep from getting separated?"

"We'll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other," I reassured him.

"Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?" he persisted.

"Well, then I guess we'll never see each other again," I quipped.

"Okay," he said. "I'm riding with Mom."

[nChrist]

Needle Manners

While I was working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her shot.

"NO! NO! NO!" she screamed.

"Lizzie," her mother scolded. "That's not polite behavior."

At that, the girl yelled even louder, "NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU!"

(Small Print: I think that I would rather be a javelin-catcher at the Olympics than have the job of giving children shots. All of those children grow up, and they remember who to go looking for.    )

[nChrist]

Baby Growth

Our first three babies, all girls, each weighed about seven pounds at birth. When our fourth arrived, he was much larger.

After delivery, the medical team began testing and measuring my new son. The last reading came from a nurse, who seemed impressed as she read, "Weight, nine pounds, eight ounces."

My husband, a CPA in corporate finance who'd been quiet up to this point, could contain himself no longer.

"How about that!" my husband exclaimed happily. "It's 36.5% more baby!"

(Small Print:  Do they have a bailout package for nine pounds, eight ounces baby boys?     )