Laughter - Good Medicine

[nChrist]

This is a bit difficult to understand, but it must be right, because it came from the DNC 

 Ethics 101

John Edwards was been banned from making a speech at the Democratic National Convention for having an affair and lying about it. 

Bill Clinton spoke in his place.

          ROFL!

The jokes are great today, and all I have is a couple of groaners to post later. I tried to watch part of the DNC, but I couldn't handle it. It even dominated Fox News, so I couldn't handle that either. I watched cartoons and worked on trying to secure my computer.

Right now, I'm working on my computer in SUPER STEALTH MODE. It's supposed to be invisible to the Internet now. I'm glad that I used extra care in placement, because it would have been impossible for me to find it and use it.   

[nChrist]

This is so hilariously stupid that I had to place it here even though it is a true situation.

Pigs granted shower rights!
New law governs treatment of domestic animals

Pigs have been granted shower rights and budgies and hamsters cannot be kept alone under a new law in Switzerland that governs the treatment of domestic animals.

The new requirements went into effect today, according to an Agence France-Presse report, and detail the treatment of animals including pets, farm animals or those used in scientific experimentation.

For example, AFP reported, unwanted goldfish no longer can be disposed of down the toilet unless they first are knocked out and then killed. And fishermen now are forbidden to do catch-and-release fishing.

The requirement that hamsters cannot be kept alone also applies to more exotics animals including lamas and alpacas, as well as sheep and goats, which by the new law must have at least "a visual contact with their fellows," the report said.

Dog owners must take classes to learn how to raise their pets to be less likely to bite and owners who wish to "customize" their pets cannot have tails or ears cropped.

And the report said pigs – sometimes appearing to be the happiest rolling around in the mud – now have a legal right to a shower.

       

Are there any rights for people? REAL STUFF is many times more funny than fiction, and this is a perfect example. WHEW!

[HisDaughter]

The 3 Little Pigs - The True Story

This is a true story ~ proving how fascinating
the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to
her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig
was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

She read . 'and so the pig went up to the man with the
wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but
may I have some of that straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class:
'And what do you think the man said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said very
matter-of-factly ...'I think the man would have said -
'Well, I'll be darned!! A talking pig!'

The teacher had to leave the room.

[nChrist]

           ROFL!

I'll make sure my wife has this to share with her teacher friends. Thanks for a good laugh that I needed.

[Shammu]

This is so hilariously stupid that I had to place it here even though it is a true situation.

Pigs granted shower rights!
New law governs treatment of domestic animals

Pigs have been granted shower rights


And the report said pigs – sometimes appearing to be the happiest rolling around in the mud – now have a legal right to a shower.

Oh boy, the muslims are going to be up in arms over this...........

[HisDaughter]

Fractured Sayings


All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism -- to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

How'd a fool get the money in the first place?

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic and so am I.

[nChrist]

Swanky Dining

The couple entered the resort's swanky dining room. "I'm sorry," apologized the Maitre d, "but there are no tables available."

"One moment, my friend," said the man, drawing himself up. "I happen to be Gregory R. Carutheres, the sportsman."

"I'd like to accommodate you, Mr. Caruthers, but there just isn't a table available this evening."

"I bet if President Bush came in and asked for a table, there'd be one available."

"Yes-s-s," the other admitted, "I suppose there would be a table available for President Bush."

"Good! I'll take it. George isn't coming!"

[HisDaughter]

AN OLD MAN WAS GROCERY SHOPPING WITH HIS GRANDSON. THE TODDLER WAS CRYING, AND AT TIMES, SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS

AS THE OLD GENTLEMAN WALKED UP AND DOWN THE AISLES, PEOPLE COULD HEAR HIM SPEAKING IN A SOFT VOICE... 'WE ARE ALMOST DONE, ALBERT...TRY NOT TO CRY, ALBERT... LIFE WILL GET BETTER, ALBERT...'

AS HE APPROACHED THE CHECKOUT STAND, HE CAREFULLY BRUSHED THE TODDLER'S TEARS FROM HIS EYES AND SAID AGAIN, 'TRY NOT TO CRY, ALBERT... WE WILL BE HOME SOON, ALBERT...'

AS HE WAS PAYING THE CASHIER, THE TODDLER CONTINUED TO CRY AS A YOUNG WOMAN IN LINE BEHIND HIM SAID, 'SIR, I THINK IT IS WONDERFUL HOW SWEET YOU ARE BEING TO YOUR LITTLE ALBERT.'

THE OLD GENTLEMAN BLINKED HIS EYES A COUPLE OF TIMES BEFORE SAYING::
'MY GRANDSON'S NAME IS JOHN......I'M ALBERT....

[HisDaughter]

The Minister And The Funeral

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul.

As I preached the workers began to say "Amen", "Praise the Lord", and "Glory"! I preached and preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations.

I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years."

[Soldier4Christ]

The Minister And The Funeral

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul.

As I preached the workers began to say "Amen", "Praise the Lord", and "Glory"! I preached and preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations.

I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years."

City slickers!

 

[nChrist]

       

I owe you guys at least 2 groaners, and I will pay up!

[HisDaughter]

City slickers!

 

     

I owe you guys at least 2 groaners, and I will pay up!

[nChrist]

 

I don't have a joke right now, but I will share a really funny concept I saw in part of a commercial.

It involves a new crime that will probably never be reported:  REVERSE PICK-POCKET! That's right - the DANGEROUS CRIMINAL sneaks a new wallet and money INTO YOUR POCKET!

[Soldier4Christ]

I've seen that commercial. That criminal needs to be arrested just because of his looks. 

[HisDaughter]

A Texas cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly gates.

Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'Once, on a trip to the Black Hills in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached t he largest and most heavily tattooed biker, smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.' I yelled, 'Now back off!! Or I'll kick the heck out of all of you!!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Just a couple of minutes ago...'