Laughter - Good Medicine

[Soldier4Christ]

“Sign a Petition to Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide”


E-mail alerts outlining the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide swept the Internet in the late 1990s and still pop up today. Many ask that you sign and forward a petition to ban the chemical, which contributes to global warming, is a major ingredient in acid rain, causes metals to rust more quickly, and has been found in cancerous tumors. The chemical also contributes to the greenhouse effect and to erosion of our natural landscapes. It’s even in food. Sounds pretty dangerous. You’re ready to sign right now, aren’t you?

Well, let us tell you one more thing about dihydrogen monoxide: It’s more commonly known as water. You know, the substance that every single living being relies on to survive? The origins of this item are multifold, from flyers circulated at the University of California at Santa Cruz in 1989 (so 20th century!) to a junior high school student who surveyed 50 classmates in 1997 and got 43 of them to sign his petition to ban the chemical. He then won a prize at his science fair for his project, called “How Gullible Are We?” Several Web pages touting the chemical’s dangers are still live. Don’t feel too bad if you’ve ever fallen victim to this hoax; even a government official in New Zealand too the bait.

[Soldier4Christ]

I have some American flags on toothpicks and one that is a 2x3.5 on an 8 inch stick. My gran daughter that turns 6 next month took them outside this afternoon. I went out to see what she was doing. She had pulled up all the grass in a spot next to the front sidewalk and planted the flags in the middle of it. Then she got some water and poured it on the ground under the flags. I asked what she was doing and she said that she was trying to grow them because she wanted bigger flags.

[HisDaughter]

I have some American flags on toothpicks and one that is a 2x3.5 on an 8 inch stick. My gran daughter that turns 6 next month took them outside this afternoon. I went out to see what she was doing. She had pulled up all the grass in a spot next to the front sidewalk and planted the flags in the middle of it. Then she got some water and poured it on the ground under the flags. I asked what she was doing and she said that she was trying to grow them because she wanted bigger flags.

That is too cute!  Grandkids are the best!

[HisDaughter]

Maybe only in America but probably elsewhere.......


Does it say on a Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping".

Does it say on a bag of Fritos: "You could be winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside". [Evidently, the shoplifter special]

Does it say on a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." [And that would be how...?]

Does it say on some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost." [But it's *just* a suggestion]

Does it say on Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down". [Oops, too late!]

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating". [As sure as night follows the day .....]

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body". [But wouldn't this save even more time?]

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication". [We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.]

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness" [One would hope]

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only".[As opposed to what?]

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use". [I gotta admit, I'm curious].

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts".[NEWS FLASH]
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: open packet, eat nuts." [Step 3: Fly Delta]

On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly". I don't blame the company. I do blame parents for this one!

[Soldier4Christ]

Maybe only in America but probably elsewhere.......

  Yep, Most of those products are made, or at least the packaging is, outside of the U.S.

[nChrist]

       

Smart Blonde Joke!

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan Officer.

She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the Title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at The blonde for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 Loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns. She repays the $5,000 and the Interest, which comes to $15.41.

 The loan officer says, 'Miss, we are very happy to have had your Business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a Little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that You are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'

The blonde replies, 'Where else in New York City can I park my car For two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?'

AT LAST, a smart blonde joke!

[HisDaughter]

     

Smart Blonde Joke!

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan Officer.

She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the Title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at The blonde for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 Loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns. She repays the $5,000 and the Interest, which comes to $15.41.

 The loan officer says, 'Miss, we are very happy to have had your Business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a Little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that You are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'

The blonde replies, 'Where else in New York City can I park my car For two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?'

AT LAST, a smart blonde joke!

What a gal !   

[HisDaughter]

These are actual excuse notes from parents for their kids (including original spelling):

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

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[Soldier4Christ]

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[HisDaughter]

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Oh NO!  My secret is out!  Well stay away from that website!  I found it first!
 

[Soldier4Christ]

Oh NO!  My secret is out!  Well stay away from that website!  I found it first!
 

[nChrist]

       YEAH! - I get to use that new Mutley graphic again.

   

Refined Shopping

A very refined young man comes to a small food shop and sees fruit. "Give me two kilograms of oranges and wrap every orange up in a separate piece of paper, please," he says to the saleswoman. She does it.

"And three kilograms of cherries, please, and wrap up every berry in a separate piece of paper, too." She does.

"And what is it there," he asks pointing out at something dark in the corner.

"Raisins," says the saleswoman, "but they're not for sale."

[HisDaughter]

      YEAH! - I get to use that new Mutley graphic again.

  

Refined Shopping

A very refined young man comes to a small food shop and sees fruit. "Give me two kilograms of oranges and wrap every orange up in a separate piece of paper, please," he says to the saleswoman. She does it.

"And three kilograms of cherries, please, and wrap up every berry in a separate piece of paper, too." She does.

"And what is it there," he asks pointing out at something dark in the corner.

"Raisins," says the saleswoman, "but they're not for sale."

[HisDaughter]

20 LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. I work hard because millions on Welfare depend on me!

4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5. Don't take life too seriously; No one ever gets out alive.

6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9. I'm not a complete idiot... some parts are just missing.

10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11. NyQuil: The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

12. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

13. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

14. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

15. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

16. Procrastinate Now!

17. "Actually, I have a degree in Liberal Arts, thanks for asking. Do you want fries with that?"

18. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

19. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

20. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

[HisDaughter]

IT WAS A MISTAKE!!!
 
 A YOUNG MONK ARRIVES AT THE MONASTERY. HE IS ASSIGNED TO HELPING THE OTHER MONKS IN COPYING THE OLD CANONS AND LAWS OF THE CHURCH BY
HAND.
 
 HE NOTICES, HOWEVER, THAT ALL OF THE MONKS ARE COPYING FROM COPIES,
 NOT FROM THE ORIGINAL MANUSCRIPT. SO,
 THE NEW MONK GOES TO THE HEAD ABBOT TO QUESTION THIS,
 POINTING OUT THAT IF SOMEONE MADE EVEN A SMALL ERROR IN THE FIRST COPY,
 IT WOULD NEVER BE PICKED UP! IN FACT, THAT ERROR
 WOULD BE CONTINUED IN ALL OF THE SUBSEQUENT COPIES.
 
 THE HEAD MONK, SAYS, 'WE HAVE BEEN COPYING FROM THE COPIES FOR
CENTURIES, BUT YOU MAKE A GOOD POINT, MY SON.'

 HE GOES DOWN INTO THE DARK CAVES UNDERNEATH THE MONASTERY
 WHERE THE ORIGINAL MANUSCRIPTS ARE HELD AS ARCHIVES IN A LOCKED
 VAULT THAT HASN'T BEEN OPENED FOR HUNDREDS OF YEARS.
 
 HOURS GO BY AND NOBODY SEES THE OLD ABBOT . .
 
 SO, THE YOUNG MONK GETS WORRIED AND GOES DOWN TO LOOK FOR HIM.
 HE SEES HIM BANGING HIS HEAD AGAINST THE WALL AND WAILING.
 
 'WE MISSED THE R !

 WE MISSED THE R !
 
 WE MISSED THE R !'
 
HIS FOREHEAD IS ALL BLOODY AND BRUISED AND HE IS CRYING UNCONTROLLABLY.
THE YOUNG MONK ASKS THE OLD ABBOT, 'WHAT'S WRONG, FATHER?'   WITH A CHOKING VOICE, THE OLD ABBOT REPLIES, 'THE WORD WAS...
 
'CELEBRATE!!!'