Laughter - Good Medicine

[nChrist]

 

[Shammu]

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

9. I'm not a complete idiot... some parts are just missing.

10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

13. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Sister, remember before you pull the handle, you must get out.

[HisDaughter]

Sister, remember before you pull the handle, you must get out.

[HisDaughter]

Things to do at Wal-Mart while your partner is taking their sweet time:

1. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

2. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

3. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 3 in housewares!" and see what happens.

4. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

5. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring in pillows from the bedding department.

7. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the Mission Impossible theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack; when people browse through, say, "PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

And, last, but not least:

15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

[Soldier4Christ]

That sounds like daily events at WalMart here. 

[nChrist]

    

YES - there isn't anything unusual about that Walmart list. We live in the sporting goods department, and the only complaint we have is mail delivery.    Our tent isn't very fancy, but it's hard to complain with all of the nice things the trucks bring us every day. The seasons are mild, and they even have folks come in to clean.   

[HisDaughter]

  

YES - there isn't anything unusual about that Walmart list. We live in the sporting goods department, and the only complaint we have is mail delivery.    Our tent isn't very fancy, but it's hard to complain with all of the nice things the trucks bring us every day. The seasons are mild, and they even have folks come in to clean.  

[HisDaughter]

Things I've learned from my children.

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq.ft. house 4 inches deep.

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy, who is wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. **It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all fourwalls of a 20x20 ft. room.

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass in windows {even double pane} doesn't't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's already too late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke... lots of it.

A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says it only happens in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.

PlayDoh and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

Super glue is forever.

No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

The fire department in Austin has a 5-minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy! Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

[Soldier4Christ]

Lessons well learned. The funniest part of this is now my kids are learning those lessons. 

[Shammu]

Hymn Titles by Occupation

When you go to Church this weekend be sure to smile as you go through your Hymnals! (What hymnals??)  In most modern churches they are a thing of the past, I really dislike that.......
 
 
Dentist's Hymn...............................Crown Him with Many Crowns
 
Weatherman's Hymn......................There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
 
Contractor's Hymn.........................The Church's One Foundation
 
The Tailor's Hymn..........................Holy, Holy, Holy
 
The Golfer's Hymn.........................There's a Green Hill Far Away
 
The Politician's Hymn.....................Standing on the Promises
 
Optometrist's Hymn.......................Open My Eyes That I Might See
 
The IRS Agent's Hymn...................I Surrender All
 
The Gossip's Hymn.........................Pass It On
 
The Electrician's Hymn....................Send The Light
 
The Shopper's Hymn......................Sweet Bye and Bye
 
The Realtor's Hymn........................I've Got a Mansion Just over the Hilltop
 
The Massage Therapists Hymn........He Touched Me
 
The Doctor's Hymn.......................The Great Physician
 
AND for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns:
 
45mph...................God Will Take Care of You
 
65mph...................Nearer My God To Thee
 
85mph...................This World Is Not My Home
 
95mph....................Lord, I'm Coming Home
 
100mph..................Precious Memories

[HisDaughter]

AND for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns:
 
45mph...................God Will Take Care of You
 
65mph...................Nearer My God To Thee
 
85mph...................This World Is Not My Home
 
95mph....................Lord, I'm Coming Home
 
100mph..................Precious Memories

[HisDaughter]

This is a bit difficult to understand, but it must be right, because it came from the DNC 

 Ethics 101

John Edwards was been banned from making a speech at the Democratic National Convention for having an affair and lying about it. 

Bill Clinton spoke in his place.

[Soldier4Christ]

   Normal democratic diatribe.

[HisDaughter]

You know you're in California when . . .

Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, nose ring, and is named Breeze.
You can't remember... is pot illegal?
You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
You can't remember..... is pot illegal?
A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the US
A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps.You don't even notice.
Unlike back home, the guy at 830 at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.
Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S & M and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
You can't remember... is pot illegal?
It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH."
You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.
You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.
It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
Hey!!!! Is pot illegal??
Both you AND your dog have therapists
Your power goes off before you finish reading thi..............

[Soldier4Christ]

This is so hilariously stupid that I had to place it here even though it is a true situation.

Pigs granted shower rights!
New law governs treatment of domestic animals

Pigs have been granted shower rights and budgies and hamsters cannot be kept alone under a new law in Switzerland that governs the treatment of domestic animals.

The new requirements went into effect today, according to an Agence France-Presse report, and detail the treatment of animals including pets, farm animals or those used in scientific experimentation.

For example, AFP reported, unwanted goldfish no longer can be disposed of down the toilet unless they first are knocked out and then killed. And fishermen now are forbidden to do catch-and-release fishing.

The requirement that hamsters cannot be kept alone also applies to more exotics animals including lamas and alpacas, as well as sheep and goats, which by the new law must have at least "a visual contact with their fellows," the report said.

Dog owners must take classes to learn how to raise their pets to be less likely to bite and owners who wish to "customize" their pets cannot have tails or ears cropped.

And the report said pigs – sometimes appearing to be the happiest rolling around in the mud – now have a legal right to a shower.