Laughter - Good Medicine

[HisDaughter]

How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity


How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity ---------------------------------------

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on, and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk, and label it "In".

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy".

8. Dont use any punctuation marks

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital, and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends that you can't attend their party, because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.

17. When your money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!", "Third time this week!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling, "Run for your lives; they're loose!"

19. Over dinner, tell your children, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity:

20. Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or asked you not to send them stuff like this.

[nChrist]

          ROFL!

I do all of those things except one. I must use punctuation marks, BUT punctuation marks is all I use!

,                       .                     ?                    !

[Soldier4Christ]

         ROFL!

I do all of those things except one. I must use punctuation marks, BUT punctuation marks is all I use!

,                       .                     ?                    !

That would make an excellent email.

[nChrist]

That would make an excellent email.

      Okay - I know my sense of humor is warped.

I've also written a book called "The Proper Use of Punctuation".

Here's a sneak peak at the preface and introduction:

,                  .                  ?                  !

Initial reviews indicate that it's light and easy reading.         

[HisDaughter]

Great Quotes From Great Ladies


The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)-

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
-Janette Barber-

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
-Lily Tomlin-

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
-Carrie Snow-

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.
-Laurie Kuslansky-

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
-Erma Bombeck-

Old age ain't no place for sissies.
-Bette Davis-

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
-Rhonda Hansome-

The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
-Jane Sellman-

Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows.
-Jennifer Unlimited-

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
-Charlotte Whitton-

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
-Caryn Leschen-

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
-Jennifer Unlimited-

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
-Catherine-

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow!
-Kathy Buckley-

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb ... and I'm also not blonde.
-Dolly Parton-

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
-Sue Grafton-

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr-

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
-Elayne Boosler-

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson-

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man- if you want anything done, ask a woman.
-Margaret Thatcher-

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
-Gloria Steinem-

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor-

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-

[nChrist]

       THANKS! - I needed these laughs.

[Barbara]

A pastor walks up to the ticket counter at the airport. He asks the woman behind the counter, "How high do these things fly?"

The woman behind the counter says, "35,000 feet"

The pastor says, "Wow, that's kinda high!"

The woman says, "Pastor, don't you believe what the Bible says - I'll be with you always..."

The pastor says, "Young lady, if you'd read your Bible carefully it says, 'LO, ...I'll be with you always..."

[nChrist]

 

Collectible Receipts

A woman went to traffic violation court for speeding, lost the argument as it always happens, and paid the fine.

So the police clerk issued her a receipt for her payment of fine. The lady annoyed at her defeat in the court asked him curtly, "What am I supposed to do with this?"

"Keep it," the clerk advised politely. "When you get three of them, you get a bicycle, ma'am!"

[HisDaughter]

A pastor walks up to the ticket counter at the airport. He asks the woman behind the counter, "How high do these things fly?"

The woman behind the counter says, "35,000 feet"

The pastor says, "Wow, that's kinda high!"

The woman says, "Pastor, don't you believe what the Bible says - I'll be with you always..."

The pastor says, "Young lady, if you'd read your Bible carefully it says, 'LO, ...I'll be with you always..."

Collectible Receipts

A woman went to traffic violation court for speeding, lost the argument as it always happens, and paid the fine.

So the police clerk issued her a receipt for her payment of fine. The lady annoyed at her defeat in the court asked him curtly, "What am I supposed to do with this?"

"Keep it," the clerk advised politely. "When you get three of them, you get a bicycle, ma'am!"

[Shammu]

You want a Black Man for President ??  Here is the one.

I HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME A WRITE-IN CANDIDATE.  HERE IS MY PLATFORM:


 
1. Press 1 for English is immediately banned.  English is the official language; speak it or wait at the border until you can.
 
2. We will immediately go into a two year isolationist posture to straighten out the country's attitude.  NO imports, no exports.  We will use the 'Walmart' policy, 'If we ain't got it, you don't need it.'
 
3. When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it.
 
4. All retired military personnel (except those disabled) will be required to man one of our many observation towers on the southern border. (six month tour) They will be under strict orders not to fire on SOUTHBOUND aliens.
 
5. Social security will immediately return to its original state.  If you didn't put nuttin in, you ain't gettin nuttin out. The President nor any other politician will not be able to touch it.
 
6. Welfare - Checks will be handed out on Fridays at the end of the 40 hour school week and the successful completion of urinalysis and a passing grade.
 
7. Professional Athletes --Steroids - The FIRST time you check positive you're banned for life.
 
8. Crime - We will adopt the Turkish method, the first time you steal, you lose your right hand. There is no more life sentences.  If convicted, you will be put to death by the same method you chose for your victim; gun, knife, strangulation, etc.
 
9. One export will be allowed; Wheat, The world needs to eat.  A bushel of wheat will be the exact price of a barrel of oil.
 
.10. All foreign aid using American taxpayer money will immediately cease, and the saved money will pay off the
national debt and ultimately lower taxes.  When disasters occur around the world, we'll ask the American people
if they want to donate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision whether it's a worthy cause.
 
11. The Pledge of Allegiance will be said every day at school and every day in Congress.
 
12. The National Anthem will be played at all appropriate ceremonies, sporting events, outings, etc.
 
Sorry if I stepped on anyone's toes but a vote for me will get you better than what you have, and better than what you're gonna get.


Thanks for listening, and remember to write in my name on the ballot in November.

God Bless America !!!!!!!!!!!

Bill Cosby

[nChrist]

You want a Black Man for President ??  Here is the one.

I HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME A WRITE-IN CANDIDATE.  HERE IS MY PLATFORM:


 
1. Press 1 for English is immediately banned.  English is the official language; speak it or wait at the border until you can.
 
2. We will immediately go into a two year isolationist posture to straighten out the country's attitude.  NO imports, no exports.  We will use the 'Walmart' policy, 'If we ain't got it, you don't need it.'
 
3. When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it.
 
4. All retired military personnel (except those disabled) will be required to man one of our many observation towers on the southern border. (six month tour) They will be under strict orders not to fire on SOUTHBOUND aliens.
 
5. Social security will immediately return to its original state.  If you didn't put nuttin in, you ain't gettin nuttin out. The President nor any other politician will not be able to touch it.
 
6. Welfare - Checks will be handed out on Fridays at the end of the 40 hour school week and the successful completion of urinalysis and a passing grade.
 
7. Professional Athletes --Steroids - The FIRST time you check positive you're banned for life.
 
8. Crime - We will adopt the Turkish method, the first time you steal, you lose your right hand. There is no more life sentences.  If convicted, you will be put to death by the same method you chose for your victim; gun, knife, strangulation, etc.
 
9. One export will be allowed; Wheat, The world needs to eat.  A bushel of wheat will be the exact price of a barrel of oil.
 
.10. All foreign aid using American taxpayer money will immediately cease, and the saved money will pay off the
national debt and ultimately lower taxes.  When disasters occur around the world, we'll ask the American people
if they want to donate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision whether it's a worthy cause.
 
11. The Pledge of Allegiance will be said every day at school and every day in Congress.
 
12. The National Anthem will be played at all appropriate ceremonies, sporting events, outings, etc.
 
Sorry if I stepped on anyone's toes but a vote for me will get you better than what you have, and better than what you're gonna get.


Thanks for listening, and remember to write in my name on the ballot in November.

God Bless America !!!!!!!!!!!

Bill Cosby

Bill Cosby just might be the best choice so far - all kidding aside.

[HisDaughter]

Here are 16 actual sentences seen on the computer screens in Japan, where they are written in Haiku.

The Website you seek
cannot be located,
but countless more do exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears you screaming.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

Your file was so big.
It might have been very useful.
But now it is gone.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred?

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
but we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen, Mind, Both are blank

[HisDaughter]

Bill Cosby just might be the best choice so far - all kidding aside.

That was great!  I just emailed to all my friends and family!

[HisDaughter]

Evel Kneivel or Awful Knawful


When you are 9 years old, you usually have had at least 4 years of experience on a bicycle, 3 years on a tricycle, and about a year on a rocking horse. What naturally comes to mind next as the thing to conquer? Why, it’s a mini-bike, of course.

In the fall of 1973, I was an average 3rd grader living in Hartselle, AL. I was not involved in sports or that sort of thing at school. I basically went to school, did my work, came home, did my homework, and tried to be sick as often as I could. I had nothing better to do than daydream about a mini-bike that I had seen that past summer. It was a mini-bike that a friend of my dad's had bought his son for his birthday. Upon visiting them, I became obsessed with having one for myself. This was especially true since the little twerp I was visiting didn't even offer to let me ride his.

Well, I hounded my dad for weeks. Finally, one Friday afternoon, after he had handed the last of his employees a paycheck from our kitchen table, he proudly announced, "Now let's go get Chris' mini-bike out of the back of my truck."

I couldn't believe my ears! Was I just dreaming.... again? We walked outside, (at least my parents walked, I ran like a scalded dog) and sure enough under a tarp.... there it was.... a slightly used but shiny red mini-bike. I was jumping around like Mike Faulkner on valiums. I couldn't stand the tension. It seemed like forever before my dad got it all gassed up and ready. Finally, he told me to mount my wild steed and get ready to ride it around the yard.

I promptly sat down on the mini-bike and was instantly transformed into a member of the Hell's Angels. Dad pulled the handle on the starter rope and nothing happened. He tried once more and still nothing happened. So he told me to give it just a little bit of gas. I gently eased back on the throttle until he said “that's enough.” But while he was pulling on the rope I impatiently eased back on the throttle just a little bit more. This time, the engine fired and with the gas being, well... wide open, the little mini-bike lurched forward jerking my dad's left arm nearly out of socket.

The next thing I knew, the world was slightly blurred on the edges of my view. The mini-bike had become a thing possessed and out of control. It never occurred to me to try to stop the small-piece-of-metal-with-a-motor from its nuclear powered journey. I don't even remember what direction I was headed in when the ordeal started. I only knew that I was looking directly ahead at the major 4-lane highway that we lived by.

I would like to be able to report that I calmly turned the little Harley wannabe out of harm's way, but I did no such thing. It was all I could do to hang on. I do believe in angels though.... because suddenly the bike was headed in the opposite direction back toward my dad, mom, and his employee. Dad was doing something with both arms that made me think I was flying a jet and was about to land on the deck of the U.S.S. Enterprise. Mom was making a gesture that later became a trademark for Macaulay Culkin in the "Home Alone" movies. The employee standing there with them had that "deer caught in the headlights" look.

As I passed by the three of them, I could hear my dad shouting something about a brake peddle. Of course, before the ordeal began, he had pointed the little lever on the right side of the bike out to me, explaining that it was the back wheel brake. I was heading over to the side of our house and towards the neighbors backyard when I remembered this.

My first attempt at stomping on the brake only caused the direction of the demon-bike to alter a bit. This was because, at that exact moment, I ran over a small indention in the yard, which caused my foot to miss the lever and stomp on the grass. Once my Converse connected with the ground, my foot wanted to stop but the bike did not. The foot-peg on the right side of the bike reminded the back part of my ankle and calve that the game was not quite over yet. (I had that frog for about a week.)

I was just crossing into the neighbor’s yard when an unknown force directed my right foot to try again to stop. This time I connected. The resulting skid mark that was left by the back tire on the grass was unlike any I have ever encountered. Even those I had made in the porcelain bowl after a hearty Mexican dinner could not compare.

When my dad reached me, he had to pry my hands from the handle bars with a crow bar. As he and his employee lifted me off my mechanical stallion, I couldn't move a muscle. Even while sitting on the ground, I remained in the shape of a bow legged cowboy after his first riding lesson.

After inspecting the throttle to make sure it wasn't hung open, my dad told me to get back on it and try again. I will never reveal the evil thoughts I had in my mind toward him for telling me to get on that awful contraption again. Needless to say, by sunset that night, we had taken the mini-bike to our local Western Auto and traded it in for two new bicycles, one for my sister and one for myself.

It would be another 3 years before I worked up enough nerve to have another mini-bike.

[HisDaughter]

Doggy Letters To God

Dear God, How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities?

Dear God, When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God, Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, thecougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!

Dear God, If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God, Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?

Dear God, If we come back as humans, is that good, or bad?

Dear God, More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God, When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God, We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God, Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street!

Dear God, Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God, Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets thing, again?