Laughter - Good Medicine

[Shammu]

[HisDaughter]

20 THINGS YOU SHOULD HAVE LEARNED BY MIDDLE AGE:

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. It's not the jeans that make you look fat.

5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

6. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

7. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

8. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

9. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

10. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

11. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

12. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

13. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

14. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

15. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

16. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

17. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

18. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

19. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

20. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

[HisDaughter]

Jesus Father's Name


A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?" One child answered, "Mary." The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?" Another child quickly said, "Verge." Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?" The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n' Mary."
 

[nChrist]

Jesus Father's Name


A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?" One child answered, "Mary." The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?" Another child quickly said, "Verge." Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?" The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n' Mary."
 

  GROOOOAN.

(Small Print:  But better than mine.) 

[nChrist]

Computer Career

Once I worked as an operator on an old IBM 370/Model 138 mainframe at a local college. My position had been reclassified to fall into a new area outside of the I/S staff. One day, my new supervisor entered the room and stared at the air conditioning unit directly behind me. He studied the two flashing lights for a few moments and asked what job it was currently processing.

I killed my career by replying, "Actually, sir, it's cooling the room. The computer is over there."
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[nChrist]

Finish Paving

While a friend and I were visiting Annapolis, we noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand. "What are they doing?" I asked our tour guide.

"Each year," he replied with a grin, "The upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard."

"So what's the answer?" my friend asked him when we were out of earshot of the freshmen.

The guide replied, "One."
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[nChrist]

Game Question

The duffer muffed his tee shot into the woods, then hit into a few trees, then proceeded to hit across the fairway into another woods. Finally, after banging away several more times, he proceeded to hit into a sand trap.

All the while, he'd noticed that the club professional had been watching.

"What club should I use now?" he asked the pro.

"I don't know," the pro replied. "What game are you playing?"
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[nChrist]

Sunday Complaints

After church one Sunday morning, a mother commented, "The choir was awful this morning."

The father commented, "The sermon was too long."

Their 7-year-old daughter added, "You've got to admit it was a pretty good show for a dollar."
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[Shammu]

Sunday Complaints

After church one Sunday morning, a mother commented, "The choir was awful this morning."

The father commented, "The sermon was too long."

Their 7-year-old daughter added, "You've got to admit it was a pretty good show for a dollar."
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[nChrist]

        ROFL!

Poor Puddy Tat - Someone got loose with a graphics program and did bad things to the "Puddy Tat". Who could have done such a thing?

[HisDaughter]

A Sunday School Teacher asked the following questions and these are the answers that she got...

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday School class.

"NO!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!"

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, "NO!"

"Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"


PS) I'm sending the golf joke to my dad, BEP!  He'll love it.

[HisDaughter]

Things You Should Know

1. Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

7. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one person who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy.

8. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

9. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

10. Take out the fortune (and throw it away) before you eat the cookie.

11. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

12. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

13. Your friends love you anyway!

[nChrist]

 

10. Take out the fortune (and throw it away) before you eat the cookie.

I thought that fortune cookies were just real expensive cookies with a chewy inside. I also tried to sell them several times, and nobody wanted them. So, where's the money?
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Pain Management

My niece, pregnant with her second child, was certain she wanted an epidural for pain management during childbirth.

Her doctor asked her at which stage of labor she wanted the epidural administered.

Her response: "Just meet me in the parking lot when I arrive!"
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[nChrist]

Noise Abatement

"Flight 1234," the control tower advised, "turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement."

"Roger," the pilot responded, "but we're at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir," the radar man replied, "have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"
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[HisDaughter]

Noise Abatement

"Flight 1234," the control tower advised, "turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement."

"Roger," the pilot responded, "but we're at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir," the radar man replied, "have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"
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Pain Management

My niece, pregnant with her second child, was certain she wanted an epidural for pain management during childbirth.

Her doctor asked her at which stage of labor she wanted the epidural administered.

Her response: "Just meet me in the parking lot when I arrive!"
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