Laughter - Good Medicine

[HisDaughter]

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary …

8:00 AM - Dog food!  My favorite thing!   
9:30 AM - A car ride!  My favorite thing!   
9:40 AM - A walk in the park!  My favorite thing! 
10:30 AM - Got rubbed and petted!  My favorite thing!   
12:00 PM - Lunch!  My favorite thing!   
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!   
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail!  My favorite thing!   
5:00 PM - Milk bones!  My favorite thing!   
7:00 PM - Got to play ball!  My favorite thing!   
8:00 PM - Watched TV with the people!  My favorite thing!   
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed!  My favorite thing! 



Excerpts from a Cat's Diary …

Day 983 of my captivity.  My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. 

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. 

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.  In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.  I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. 

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight.  I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.  However, I could hear the noises and smell the food.  I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.'  I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.. 

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking.  I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. 

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.  The dog receives special privileges.  He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return.    He is obviously retarded. 

The bird has got to be an informant.  I observe him communicating with the guards regularly.  I am certain that he reports my every move.  My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.  For now.........
 

[Shammu]

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary …

8:00 AM - Dog food!  My favorite thing!   
9:30 AM - A car ride!  My favorite thing!   
9:40 AM - A walk in the park!  My favorite thing!
10:30 AM - Got rubbed and petted!  My favorite thing!   
12:00 PM - Lunch!  My favorite thing!   
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!   
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail!  My favorite thing!   
5:00 PM - Milk bones!  My favorite thing!   
7:00 PM - Got to play ball!  My favorite thing!   
8:00 PM - Watched TV with the people!  My favorite thing!   
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed!  My favorite thing! 

The dog receives special privileges.  He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return.    He is obviously retarded.

[Soldier4Christ]

He is obviously retarded. 

Nope ... warm bed, good food, snacks, TV, massage, and games ...

he knows he's got a good thing going and to take full advantage of it.

[HisDaughter]

Nope ... warm bed, good food, snacks, TV, massage, and games ...

he knows he's got a good thing going and to take full advantage of it.

Exactly!  I just don't understand "cat" people.



At least you can communicate with a dog!

[Soldier4Christ]

I've had several cats that I thought were more like dogs. Both of them were raised with dogs and took on more dog characteristics. The one was a pure white Manx mix. When I got up in the morning and got ready to go to work he was right there following me around. He would use the bathroom stool instead of a litter box. (Never did get him to flush though.) When I went to work he went outside. When I got home he came running home. When I sat down to eat he would get in my lap and just lay there until I was finished eating. His favorite food was tomatoes. Then he would eat my leftovers. If I went out to the garage to work he would be right there watching what I was doing.

The other one was a gray cat we called Smoky. I had a rather big vegetable garden at the time. He would follow me into the garden and sit up on my shoulder while I was planting, weeding, picking vegetables, etc. He never did scratch me no matter how much I moved.

[HisDaughter]

I've had several cats that I thought were more like dogs. Both of them were raised with dogs and took on more dog characteristics. The one was a pure white Manx mix. When I got up in the morning and got ready to go to work he was right there following me around. He would use the bathroom stool instead of a litter box. (Never did get him to flush though.) When I went to work he went outside. When I got home he came running home. When I sat down to eat he would get in my lap and just lay there until I was finished eating. His favorite food was tomatoes. Then he would eat my leftovers. If I went out to the garage to work he would be right there watching what I was doing.

The other one was a gray cat we called Smoky. I had a rather big vegetable garden at the time. He would follow me into the garden and sit up on my shoulder while I was planting, weeding, picking vegetables, etc. He never did scratch me no matter how much I moved.

Awwww.....that's so sweet!

[HisDaughter]

BUMPER STICKERS YOU PROBABLY MISSED BECAUSE YOU WERE DRIVING SO FAST.


If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

The Earth Is Full - Go Home.

So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.

Honk If Anything Falls Off.

Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost

But Miles From The Next Exit.

I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.

Fight Crime: Shoot Back!

Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph
Are Also Timed For 70mph.

Boldly Going Nowhere.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down
Before He Admits He is Lost?

[Soldier4Christ]

I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.

I resemble that remark. NYUK NYUK.

[HisDaughter]

I resemble that remark. NYUK NYUK.

[HisDaughter]

Old Age Jokes


An accident really uncanny,
Befell an unfortunate granny.
She sat down in a chair
While her false teeth were there,
And bit herself right in the fanny!

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A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

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Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"

"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."

"So you're 96," the undertaker commented. "Hardly worth going home, isn't it?"

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The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly and make them think they will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they never see any of it.

The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.

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The doctor tells his patient: "Well I have good news and bad news..."

The patient says, "Lay it on me Doc. What's the bad news?"

"You have Alzheimer's disease."

"Good heavens! What's the good news?"

"You can go home and forget about it!"

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God, grant me the Senility
To forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune
To run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight
To tell the difference.

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Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

[Shammu]

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"

"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."

"So you're 96," the undertaker commented. "Hardly worth going home, isn't it?"

[HisDaughter]

The Drowning Man


A fellow was stuck on his rooftop in a flood. He was praying to God for help.

Soon a man in a rowboat came by and the fellow shouted to the man on the roof, “Jump in, I can save you.”

The stranded fellow shouted back, “No, it’s OK, I’m praying to God and he is going to save me.”

So the rowboat went on.

Then a motorboat came by. “The fellow in the motorboat shouted, “Jump in, I can save you.”

To this the stranded man said, “No thanks, I’m praying to God and he is going to save me. I have faith.”

So the motorboat went on.

Then a helicopter came by and the pilot shouted down, “Grab this rope and I will lift you to safety.”

To this the stranded man again replied, “No thanks, I’m praying to God and he is going to save me. I have faith.”

So the helicopter reluctantly flew away.

Soon the water rose above the rooftop and the man drowned. He went to Heaven. He finally got his chance to discuss this whole situation with God, at which point he exclaimed, “I had faith in you but you didn’t save me, you let me drown. I don’t understand why!”

To this God replied, “I sent you a rowboat and a motorboat and a helicopter, what more did you expect?”

[HisDaughter]

I agree on that one!

[Shammu]

I agree on that one!

Copy Cat!!

[HisDaughter]