Laughter - Good Medicine

[nChrist]

Second Try

Arriving home from work at my usual hour of 5 p.m., I discovered that it had not been one of my wife's better days. Nothing I said or did seemed to be right.

By 7 p.m. things had not changed, so I suggested I go outside, pretend I had just got home, and start all over again. My wife agreed.

I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile, announced, "Honey, I'm home!"

"And just where have you been?" she replied sharply "It's after seven o'clock!"
__________________________________

[nChrist]

Job Search Jargon

Whether you are a student looking for that first time or summer job or a long-time veteran looking for a change of pace, this JOB SEARCH JARGON should help you get on your way...

COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

FLEXIBLE HOURS: Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS: Management communicates, you listen and figure out what they want you to do.

ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD: You whine, you're fired.

CAREER-MINDED: We expect that you will want to flip hamburgers until you are 70.

SELF-MOTIVATED: Management won't answer questions.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend.

DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around.

COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT: We have a lot of turnover.

SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER: We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED: If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

[HisDaughter]

Evolution of Robbery

[HisDaughter]

Alabama

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, 'Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head'. 'Yep', he replied. 'That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'.

 
Texas

 A group of Texans friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked.

'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.

'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.

'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!'

Louisiana

A senior at LSU was overheard saying... 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .' When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.


Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'

Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?'

The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got his license number.'


Georgia

A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked, 'Got any I.  D. ?'

The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'


North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.

Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was..

The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'

The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'

The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither.'


And this from South Carolina

'You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North

[nChrist]

           THANKS! - I needed those laughs!

I also had to snag that graphic about robbery at the gas pumps. It appears that oil speculators may be greatly responsible for the much higher prices. They didn't count on the people drastically cutting their consumption, so the prices are already coming down, and the oil speculators are losing their shorts.  YEAH!  This one is TRUE but also funny.   

[David_james]

Memo from God

I am God. Today I will be handling all of your problems. Please remember that I do not need your help. If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do not attempt to resolve it. Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. It will be addressed in My time, not yours. Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it.
     
      If you find yourself stuck in traffic; Don't despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.
     
      Should you have a bad day at work; Think of the man who has been out of work for years.
     
      Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; Think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.
     
      Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; Think of the man in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed his children.
     
      Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; Think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.
     
      Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; Think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.
     
      Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.
     
      Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities; Remember, things could be worse. You could be them!!!!


( I do hate it when people complain about walking )

[David_james]

The secret burden

A much loved-minister of God once carried a secret burden of long- past sin deep in his heart. He had committed the sin many years before, during his Bible school training. No one knew what he had done, but they did know he had repented. Even so, he had suffered years of remorse over the incident without any sense of God's forgiveness.
     
      A woman in his church deeply loved God and claimed to have visions in which Jesus Christ spoke to her. The minister, skeptical of her claims, asked her, "The next time you speak to the Lord, would you please ask Him what sin your minister committed while he was in Bible school." The woman kindly agreed.
     
      When she came to the church a few days later the minister asked, "Did He visit you?" She said, "Yes."
     
      "And did you ask Him what sin I committed?"
     
      "Yes, I asked Him," she replied
     
      "Well, what did He say?"
     
      "He said, 'I don't remember.'"


(amen)

[David_james]

satan's beatitudes

Blessed are those who are too tired, too busy, too distracted to spend an hour once a week with their fellow Christians in Church ~ they are my best workers.
     
      Blessed are those who wait to be asked and expect to be thanked ~ I can use them in my business.
     
      Blessed are those who are touchy. Soon they will stop going to church ~ verily, they shall be my missionaries.
     
      Blessed are those who sow gossip and trouble ~ they are my beloved children.
     
      Blessed are those who have no time to pray ~ for they MY prey.
     
      Blessed are those who gossip ~ for they are my secret agents.
     
      Blessed are you when you read this and think it has everything to do with other people, and nothing to do with you. ~ I've got room for YOU at my inn.

[nChrist]

Memo from God

I am God. Today I will be handling all of your problems. Please remember that I do not need your help. If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do not attempt to resolve it. Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. It will be addressed in My time, not yours. Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it.
     
      If you find yourself stuck in traffic; Don't despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.
     
      Should you have a bad day at work; Think of the man who has been out of work for years.
     
      Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; Think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.
     
      Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; Think of the man in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed his children.
     
      Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; Think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.
     
      Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; Think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.
     
      Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.
     
      Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities; Remember, things could be worse. You could be them!!!!


( I do hate it when people complain about walking )

AMEN! Brother David! This is quite beautiful and completely TRUE!

As Christians, we should all have ample reasons to smile and give thanks always just because we know the Promises of GOD and know that we are richly Blessed! However, we are people also, and we fail pretty frequently. It's nice to be reminded and pause often to consider our Blessings and Riches in CHRIST. At the top of the list should always be:  JESUS CHRIST LOVES ME AND DIED FOR ME - I BELONG TO HIM!

Brother David, I fail and complain too frequently. It's embarrassing when I realize it, and it should be embarrassing. I'm a child of the KING OF KINGS, and my HOME is in Heaven with HIM. What do I have to complain about? NOTHING!

Love In Christ,
Tom

Favorite Bible Quotes 463 - Galatians 4:28-31 Now we, brethren, as
Isaac was, are the children of promise. 29 But as then he that was
born after the flesh persecuted him that was born after the Spirit,
even so it is now. 30 Nevertheless what saith the scripture? Cast out
the bondwoman and her son: for the son of the bondwoman shall not be
heir with the son of the freewoman. 31 So then, brethren, we are not
children of the bondwoman, but of the free.

[HisDaughter]

   
      Blessed are you when you read this and think it has everything to do with other people, and nothing to do with you. ~ I've got room for YOU at my inn.

How true!  I loved these and they certainly can give one pause for thought!  Thank you David!

[HisDaughter]

The Will


A man and his wife are sitting in the living room when he turns to her and says, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife gets up and unplugs the TV.

[HisDaughter]

The River


A Minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river!"

The sermon complete, he sat down. The song leader, stood very cautiously and announced with a smile -- nearly laughing. "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather At The River."

[HisDaughter]

I have seen some of these, but not all...

Church Bulletin Bloopers


The following are actual bloopers from church bulletins...

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10:00. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

[HisDaughter]

What are toddlers thinking?


A mom was home with her her 3-year-old son who was staring intently at the window whispering something to himself.

Curious, she snuck up beside her son, who was still very focused on the beautiful outdoor scene, just in time to hear him whisper with extreme resoluteness...

"I have got to get outta here!"

[HisDaughter]

WHY I AM VOTING DEMOCRAT
 
I'm voting Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.
 
I'm voting Democrat because freedom of speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.
 
I'm voting Democrat because when we pull out of Iraq I trust that the bad guys will stop what they're doing because they now think we're good people.
 
I'm voting Democrat because I believe that people who can't tell us if it will rain on Friday CAN tell us that the polar ice caps will melt away in ten years if I don't start driving a Prius.
 
I'm voting Democrat because I'm not concerned about the slaughter of millions of babies so long as we keep all death row inmates alive.
 
I'm voting Democrat because I believe that business should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as THEY see fit.
 
I'm voting Democrat because I believe three or four pointy headed elitist liberals need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit some fringe kooks who would NEVER get their agendas past the voters.
 
I'm voting Democrat because I believe that when the terrorists don't have to hide from us over there, when they come over here I don't want to have any guns in the house to fight them off with.
 
I'm voting Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I've decided to marry my horse.
 
I'm voting Democrat because I believe oil companies' profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene but the government taxing the same gallon of gas at 15% isn't.
 
Makes ya wonder why anyone would EVER vote Republican, now doesn't it?


I don't even have a HORSE!