Laughter - Good Medicine

[HisDaughter]

  Consider this one snagged. This is one of the best Mutley Laughing I've seen. It's much better than this one:

I remember having an old truck in my early marriage that I had to carry a case of oil everywhere we went, and that was in town. It was primer gray and probably had 200,000 miles on it. It would be worth quite a bit if I still had it, but we just couldn't afford to drive it. I'm wanting to say it was a 59 dodge work truck with an enclosed rear. It was like a Sherman tank and had a compound transmission in it. I used it several times for pulling tree stumps.  

You're welcome to it guys, but I dont' know what DW is going to say about you thinking it's better than the other one since the other one is kinda his signature! 

[HisDaughter]

The boss wondered why one of his most dependable and valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

'Hello?'

Is your daddy home?' he asked.

'Yes’ whispered the small voice.

’May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, 'No'.

Surprised and still wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?'

'Yes.'

'May I talk with her?'

Again the small voice whispered, 'No.'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

'Yes', whispered the child, 'a policeman'.

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

'No he's busy' , whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

'Talking to Mummy and Daddy', came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

'A helicopter', answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, 'The search team just landed a helicopter'.

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

[David_james]

The boss wondered why one of his most dependable and valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

'Hello?'

Is your daddy home?' he asked.

'Yes’ whispered the small voice.

’May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, 'No'.

Surprised and still wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?'

'Yes.'

'May I talk with her?'

Again the small voice whispered, 'No.'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

'Yes', whispered the child, 'a policeman'.

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

'No he's busy' , whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

'Talking to Mummy and Daddy', came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

'A helicopter', answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, 'The search team just landed a helicopter'.

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

You forgot ending

Child says, "They are searching for me"

[HisDaughter]

You forgot ending

Child says, "They are searching for me"

Oops!  I sure did David!  Nice catch!  That's what happens when you're in a hurry I guess.  Thanks for providing it!

[nChrist]

Paper Walls

As a young married couple, a husband and a wife lived in a cheap housing complex near the military base where he was working.

Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper-thin and that they had no privacy. This was painfully obvious when one morning the husband was upstairs and the wife was downstairs on the telephone. She was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet her neighbor.

"Give this to your husband," he said thrusting a roll of toilet paper into her hands. "He's been yelling for it for 15 minutes!"

[nChrist]

Haircut ID

I accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut. Reading a magazine, I found a hairstyle I liked for myself, and I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo.

"Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card," she said.

"But my husband is here getting a haircut," I explained.

"Yes," she replied. "But I need something you'll come back for."
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[nChrist]

More Coffee

A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away. Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented.

He said, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn't even make eye contact."

"Oh," said the waitress, "I thought you wanted more coffee."
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[HisDaughter]

GOOD SAMARITAN:

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

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DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"
"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."

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HIGHER POWER:

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"
One child blurted out, "Aces!"

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MOSES & THE RED SEA:

Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

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THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD:

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Rick was excited about the task, but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

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UNANSWERED PRAYER?

The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head, for a moment, before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."
"How come He doesn't do it?" she asked.

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BEING THANKFUL

A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

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UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER

During the minister's prayer, one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?"
Gary answered, soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle, And He just then did!"

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TIME TO PRAY:

A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night. "Yes sir," the boy replied.
"And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked.
"No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime."

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BEWARE OF TRASH:

One particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our 'trash baskets' as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

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ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS?

When my daughter, Kelli, was 3, she and my son, Cody, would say their nightly prayers, together.
As most children do, we have to bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls."
As this soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this at the end, my curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"
Her response, "Because we always finish our prayers by saying 'All Men'!"

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SAY A PRAYER:

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house.
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Johnny wait until we say our prayer."
"I don't have to," The boy replied.
"Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer, before eating, at our house."
"That's our house," Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.

[nChrist]

          THANKS! - I needed these laughs!

[Soldier4Christ]

lol ... I especially love the ones on the various children's responses to things.

[HisDaughter]

Please Tell The Office Where I Am
(anonymous)

This is a true Story! In 1986, as a single mother, I had a few challenges to work through. One of which was my 1978 Maxi Wagon Van that had seemed to need help quite often. I was living in Oakridge, Oregon, a beautiful, small, sawmill town in the Cascade Mountains. One particularly cool, very rainy day, I needed to make a visit to a friend in a nearby town. I loaded my seven children in the van and headed to Westfir, a mere 6 mile drive from where I lived.

By the time I arrived in Westfir, the car was beginning to show signs of the radiator heating up. My friend checked the car and assured me it was only a hose that was beginning to go bad. “It is too late to pick up the part today, so if you will bring the hose and your car over on Monday, I'll get it installed for you. It may last a long time, but with a 15 passenger van, we shouldn't take chances. It could go quickly.” That was Friday evening. No problem. I had plenty to do at home anyway and did not need to be out over the weekend.

The kids were loaded back into the van. My oldest was 14, and the youngest just two. We headed out the narrow, twisty road toward Highway 58, the main highway between Eugene, Oregon and the junction to go on to Klamath Falls, or up to Bend.

Just before I hit the main road, the hose let go. Water hit the manifold and a huge, thick , dense, white cloud emerged from beneath the front of the car. I had no choice but continue on. Home was a mere three miles ahead, and I could park the car until Monday.

As I pulled onto Highway 58, the steam spread thick around the body of the van. Eighteen wheelers had to pull off to the side of the road to allow the mass to rise and clear for them to continue their journey! A policeman heading out of Oakridge, coming my way, turned his lights on. I pulled over at the edge of the road as there was a clearing wide enough to safely pull off. The police car, lights flashing and siren blaring, parked slightly behind my van.

The officer got out, came to the window and asked if everyone was okay. I assured him we were all fine. He then asked if I could get the vehicle on into town, or needed an escort. I told him we were only 2 miles from home and we would be fine. He headed back to his patrol car, but I noticed he was just standing there without getting in. I watched to see if there was another problem I had not been aware of. He leaned against his car with his arms folded in front of his chest. A most unusual stance for an officer, I thought. I backed up, rolled the window down and asked him if everything was okay.

“Yeah. But would you stop by the police department and tell them I am waiting here for someone to come?” Baffled at his remark, I asked him if everything was okay, again. “Yes, I just locked my keys inside the car and can't get into my car.” I offered to give him a ride into the station, but he was not allowed to leave the patrol car alone with the engine running.

As we headed onto the station, again we left a big, thick, heavy fog along the road. We stopped at the police station, reported the officer's plight. The other officers laughed heartily at the fact this particular officer needed that kind of help. “We were just asking each other how far he'd get before we needed to help him out.” one officer spoke out.

Later that evening my brother called me on the phone. I explained what had happened. He laughed and asked if it was a particular officer. I could not remember the man's name, so told him I was not sure. Giving the description of what the man looked like, he laughed heartily, Oh yeah! That is officer ,,,,,,,,,,,,, . He has been given several extra keys. He was to have one on his body at all times, as he is forever locking his keys inside the patrol car!

(I wonder if this ever happened to BEP?!  As for me, I was notorious for leaving my lights on all day while I was at work, so one Christmas I recieved a pair of pink jumper cables.  For some reason after I got the cables, I never left my lights on again!)

[HisDaughter]

Things to Consider


Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?


Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

Many terrorists come to America legally and hang around on expired Visas(some for as long as 10-15 years). At Blockbuster you're two days late with a video rental and those people are all over you. I think we should put Blockbuster in charge of US Immigration.

[nChrist]

Later that evening my brother called me on the phone. I explained what had happened. He laughed and asked if it was a particular officer. I could not remember the man's name, so told him I was not sure. Giving the description of what the man looked like, he laughed heartily, Oh yeah! That is officer ,,,,,,,,,,,,, . He has been given several extra keys. He was to have one on his body at all times, as he is forever locking his keys inside the patrol car!

(I wonder if this ever happened to BEP?!  As for me, I was notorious for leaving my lights on all day while I was at work, so one Christmas I recieved a pair of pink jumper cables.  For some reason after I got the cables, I never left my lights on again!)

Hello Grammyluv,

      YES, this has happened to me more than once, and it wasn't very funny at the time. Of course, it was hilarious for the other officers. It didn't take me long to make a habit of keeping an extra key in my wallet and another extra key in a magnetic key case I kept under the car somewhere handy. However, I never had a pair of pink jumper cables.   

[HisDaughter]

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring outside!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he's told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

[nChrist]

 

Sermon Feedback

After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons. "Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God."

The pastor was thrilled. "Nobody has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why."

"Because it endured forever."
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