Laughter - Good Medicine

[HisDaughter]

How To Tell If A Redneck Is Working In Your Office

10. The mouse is referred to as a "critter."

9. There is a gunrack mounted on the CPU.

8. The password is "bubba."

7. Windows XP has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.

6. Outgoing faxes have beer stains on them.

5. The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.

4. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.

3. The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.

2. The monitor is up on blocks.

1. There is a skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
 
 

[HisDaughter]

Letters Of Recommendation
Have to write a letter of recommendation for that fired employee? Here are a few suggested phrases:

For the chronically absent:
"A man like him is hard to find."
"It seemed her career was just taking off."

For the office drunk:
"I feel his real talent is wasted here."
"We generally found him loaded with work to do."
"Every hour with him was a happy hour."

For an employee with no ambition:
"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in."
"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."

For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."

For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of
employment."
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or
recommend him too highly."

For a stupid employee:
"There is nothing you can teach a man like him."
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications
whatsoever."

For a dishonest employee:
"Her true ability was deceiving."
"He's an unbelievable worker."
 
 

[nChrist]

                 ROFL!

All of them were great except the one about the female making all the rules. That one would have the potential of making a series of horror movies that would make Freddie Kruger look like a Good Guy.                  I hope my wife didn't see this...

 

[HisDaughter]

                ROFL!

All of them were great except the one about the female making all the rules. That one would have the potential of making a series of horror movies that would make Freddie Kruger look like a Good Guy.                  I hope my wife didn't see this...

 

Yes!  I'm sure your wife would agree with me on those!

[nChrist]

Yes!  I'm sure your wife would agree with me on those!

    She might, but I'm not going to show them to her.     I don't know anything about it and have no idea what we were even talking about.   

[HisDaughter]

   She might, but I'm not going to show them to her.     I don't know anything about it and have no idea what we were even talking about.  

[HisDaughter]

There was this lady who was visiting a church one Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep.

After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."

And the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one ma'am, I'm glad it's done too!"

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An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (..turn from your sin...)

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. Then the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,"Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture at you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an AX and two 38s!"

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After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."

"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"

"Well, I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit down and listen."

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A Sunday School teacher challenged her children to take some time on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring back their letter the following Sunday. One little boy wrote, "Dear God, We had a good time at church today. Wish you could have been there."

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The preacher came to call on me the other day. He said that at my age I should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him I do - all the time. No matter where I am - in the parlor, upstairs in the kitchen, or down in the basement - I ask myself, "Now, what am I here after?"

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God: "Whew! I just created a 24 hour period of alternating light and darkness of Earth."

Angel: "What are you going to do now?"

God: "Call it a day."

[nChrist]

Turning Left

My teenaged niece Elizabeth was nervous as she took the wheel for her first driving lesson. As she was pulling out of the parking lot, the instructor said, "Turn left here, and don't forget to let the people behind you know what you're doing."

Elizabeth turned to the students sitting in the back seat and announced, "I'm going left."

(Small Print:  And she turned right.)

[nChrist]

New Boots

My first grade daughter and her friend both needed new boots as winter approached. The friend got in the car one morning and finally had gotten her boots. "Beth," I commented, "I see you got new boots. Where did you get them?"

"At the store," she answered.

"Which one?" I asked.

She began looking at her new boots and after a pause said, "Both of them."

(Small Print:  This could be a groaner.)   

[nChrist]

The Company Car

The Company Car...

1. It accelerates at a phenomenal rate.

2. It has a much shorter braking distance than the private car.

3. It can take speed humps at twice the speed of private cars.

4. The battery , radiator water, oil and tires never have to be checked.

5. The floor is cunningly designed to double as an ashtray.

6. It does not need to be kept under shelter at night.

7. It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil warning light flashing.

8. It needs cleaning less often than private cars.

9. The suspension is reinforced to allow for the weekend loads of bricks, concrete slabs and other building material.

10. Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning up the radio.

11. It needs no security system and may be left anywhere, unlocked and with the keys in the ignition.

12. It is the only type of car able to leave the road in game reserves and chase after animals in the bush for a closer look.

13. It is especially sand and waterproof for barbeques and fishing expeditions on remote beaches.
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[HisDaughter]

How's Norma?

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, 'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?'
The operator said 'I'll be glad to help, dear.  What's the name and room number?'
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay, Room 302.'
The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.'
After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well.
Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.'
The grandmother said, 'Thank you.  That's wonderful! I was so worried!  God bless you for the good news.'
The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome.  Is Norma your daughter?'
The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302.  No one tells me anything.

[Soldier4Christ]

How's Norma?

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, 'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?'
The operator said 'I'll be glad to help, dear.  What's the name and room number?'
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay, Room 302.'
The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.'
After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well.
Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.'
The grandmother said, 'Thank you.  That's wonderful! I was so worried!  God bless you for the good news.'
The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome.  Is Norma your daughter?'
The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302.  No one tells me anything.

lol ... I've been there.

[HisDaughter]

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing.

The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies, "No use knockin' man, there's no paper in this one either."

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A missionary was walking in Africa when he heard the ominous padding of a lion behind him. "Oh Lord," prayed the missionary, "Grant in Thy goodness that the lion walking behind me is a good Christian lion."

And then, in the silence that followed, the missionary heard the lion praying too: "Oh Lord," he prayed, "We thank Thee for the food which we are about to receive."

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A cardinal ran into the Pope's office and said, "Your Holiness, Jesus just rode into the Vatican on a donkey. What do we do?"

The Pope looked up from his work and replied, "Look busy."

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After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."

"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "But why?"

"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

[nChrist]

          THANKS! - I needed those laughs.

[HisDaughter]

Which Bank Should I Rob?
This is a true story out of San Francisco:

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It seems a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote:

This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag. 

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and surmised from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor. She told him that she could not accept his stick up note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip, that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left the Wells Fargo. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police, who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of America.