Laughter - Good Medicine

[nChrist]

YES - I'm almost sure I remember hearing about this on the World's Dumbest Criminals show. I've met a few of those folks. All I can say is that ignorance of that magnitude must result in a permanent headache.   

[nChrist]

Who's Your Daddy?

While the family was sitting around the dinner table, Jennifer, 5, turned to her brother Andy, 3, and pointed to her dad. "That's not your real father," she said, startling the whole family.

"Yes, he is!" Andy replied.

"No, he's not," Jennifer insisted. "God is your heavenly father."

Then pointing at her dad, she said, "That's your homely father!"
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[nChrist]

Analogies and Metaphors

These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays.

- John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

- He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

- Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

- Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

- The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

- The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

- He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.

- The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

- It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools.

- He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

- Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

- She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

- Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightening.

- It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
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[nChrist]

Zoo Trip

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Johnny replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
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[nChrist]

Lobster Pets

After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.

The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come done to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day."

The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water.

The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water."

The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"
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[HisDaughter]

Two old men were out for their morning walk on a dusty road.  The first old man stepped on something soft.  He stooped over and picked it up. It was a frog!  He dusted the dirt off the frog and started to put it down.
The Frog said, "If you kiss me I will turn into a beautiful young woman."

The old man put the frog in his pocket and started to walk again.

The second old man said, "Aren't you going to kiss that Frog?"

The first old man replied, "I think I would rather have a talking Frog."

[HisDaughter]

A couple was celebrating their Golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. 
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon, " explained the husband. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled.

My wife quietly said 'That's once.'

We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the mule.

I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, "That's once."

[HisDaughter]

You might be in a country church if . . .
There is a special fund-raiser for a new septic tank.

Finding and returning lost sheep is not just a parable. 

You miss worship one Sunday morning and by 2 o’clock that afternoon you have had a dozen calls inquiring
about your health. 

People wonder when Jesus fed 5000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish. 

The final words of the benediction are, "Y’all come on back now, ya hear?" 

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Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak 

I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me! 

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 

So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute! 

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 

The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. 

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. 

[HisDaughter]

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

[HisDaughter]

Wisdom From Grandpa
Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries. 

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar. 

Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good. 

When a man marries a woman, they become one, but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. 

If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag. 


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GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you're it
2. Pin the toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over
6. Doc Goose
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and Go Pee
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.
10. Musical Recliners

[nChrist]

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you're it
2. Pin the toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over
6. Doc Goose
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and Go Pee
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.
10. Musical Recliners

       Thanks for the laughs. This one was my favorite. I just have one question:  what happens if these games get too hard to play?   

[HisDaughter]

      Thanks for the laughs. This one was my favorite. I just have one question:  what happens if these games get too hard to play?   

I guess that'd be number 4. 

[nChrist]

I guess that'd be number 4. 

           ROFL!

I guess that I left myself wide open for that one also. I think that I'd like to wait a bit before playing the game of "Kick The Bucket".

I just might be good at "7. Simon says something incoherent."   

(Small Print:  I'll practice.)

[HisDaughter]

          ROFL!


I just might be good at "7. Simon says something incoherent."  

(Small Print:  I'll practice.)

[Soldier4Christ]

I just might be good at "7. Simon says something incoherent."   

(Small Print:  I'll practice.)

My wife says that I don't have to practice that one.