Laughter - Good Medicine

[HisDaughter]

 

Oh my gosh!  I cracked up right out loud at my desk on this one!  That's great!

[HisDaughter]

Reader's Digest July 2008

 

 Looking down the stairs at a football game, a fan spots an open seat on the 50-yard line.  He asks the man sitting next to it if the seat is taken.
   "No," he replies.  "I used to take my wife to all the games, but ever since she passed away, I've gone alone."
   "Why don't you invite a friend?"
   "I can't.  They're all at the funeral."

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I was admiring a picture on my client's wall when she came up from behind and mentioned, "That's my mother and her dog."
"She's very attractive", I said.
"She was more like a frined, really.  I miss her."
"She's no longer alive?" I asked.
"No.  But my mother is."



When our school librarian announced she was changing schools, my fellow teacher asked a student, "Why do you think Ms. Richardson is leaving?
The third grader opined, "Because she's read all our books?"



Proof reading an instruction manual for a hospital ventilator, I did a double take when I came across this questionable troubleshooting tip:  "If the problem persists, replace patient immediately."



I was looking through my closet for something to wear, but nothing was calling out to me.  So I sought my three-year-old son't opinion.
"What do you think I should change into?" I asked.
He thought awhile before replying, "A butterfly."



During a game of Trivial Pursuit, our teams' question was "In Roman mythology, who was the chief goddess and wife of Jupiter?"
"Juno?" I wondered aloud.
My grandmother shook her head.  "No," she said. "I haven't got a clue."

[nChrist]

    

   

[HisDaughter]

  

  

I resemble those remarks!

[nChrist]

Arrangements

It was a difficult subject to bring before his aged mother, but John felt that he must: "Mom, you're no longer a spring chicken and you do need to think ahead of what'll happen in the future. Why don't we make arrangements about when...you know...when...you pass on?"

The mother didn't say anything, just sat there staring ahead.

"I mean, Mom, like...how do you want to finally go? Do you want to be buried? Cremated?"

There was yet another long pause. Then the mother looked up and said, "Son, why don't you surprise me?"

[nChrist]

Grandma and Computer

The computer's swallowed grandma
Yes' honestly' its true.
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.

It's devoured her completely
The thought just makes me squirm.
Maybe she's caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.

I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind.
I've even used the Internet
But nothing did I find.

In desperation I asked Jeeves
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative
Not a thing was found 'online'.

So, if inside your 'In Box'
My Grandma you should see.
Please 'Scan', 'Copy' and 'Paste' her
In an e-mail back to me.

[Shammu]

Addition to the Periodic Table

The recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.  The new element has been named Governmentium. Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.  A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction, that would normally take less than a second, to take over four days to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.  In fact, Governmentium's Mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

[nChrist]

Addition to the Periodic Table

The recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.  The new element has been named Governmentium. Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.  A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction, that would normally take less than a second, to take over four days to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.  In fact, Governmentium's Mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

          ROFL!  - YEAH!  -  WE HAVE A WINNER!

You've won the famous Van Goo below!

[nChrist]

Pillar Interruption

The Sunday School teacher described how Lot's wife looked back at Sodom and was turned into a pillar of salt.

Suddenly Jimmy interrupted. "My mom looked back once while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"

[HisDaughter]

Grandma and Computer

The computer's swallowed grandma
Yes' honestly' its true.
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.

It's devoured her completely
The thought just makes me squirm.
Maybe she's caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.

I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind.
I've even used the Internet
But nothing did I find.

In desperation I asked Jeeves
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative
Not a thing was found 'online'.

So, if inside your 'In Box'
My Grandma you should see.
Please 'Scan', 'Copy' and 'Paste' her
In an e-mail back to me.

I LOVE that!  I'm going to send it to my kids and GRANDKIDS!!

[HisDaughter]

Addition to the Periodic Table

The recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.  The new element has been named Governmentium. Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.  A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction, that would normally take less than a second, to take over four days to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.  In fact, Governmentium's Mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

FABOULOUS!!

[nChrist]

Roughing It

A friend and his wife were considering traveling to Alaska for a trip that the husband had long dreamed of taking. He kept talking about how great it would be to stay in a log cabin without electricity, to hunt moose, and drive a dog team instead of a car.

"If we decided to live there permanently, away from civilization, what would you miss the most?" he asked his wife.

She replied, "You."

[nChrist]

Ride To Church

A teenager who had just received her learner's permit offered to drive her parents to church. After a hair-raising ride, they finally reached their destination.

The mother got out of the car and said, "Thank you!"

"Anytime," her daughter replied.

As the woman slammed the door, she said, "I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to God."

[HisDaughter]

The Iraq War
So, Donald Rumsfeld is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office.

"Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today."

Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief. He buries his
face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God".

"Mr. President," says Cheney, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it's
terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?"

Bush looks up and says..."How many is a Brazilian?"
 
 

[HisDaughter]

The Rules Of The Relationship
For those of you who don't already know, these are the rules that are in effect
in every relationship.

1. The female always makes the rules.

2. These rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

3. No male can possibly know all the rules.

4. If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must
immediately change some or all of the rules.

5. The female is never wrong.

6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a vagrant misunderstanding which
was a direct result of something the male said or did wrong.

7. If rule number 6 applies, the male must immediately apologize for causing
the misunderstanding.

8. The female can change her mind at any given point in time.

9. The male must never change his mind without express written consent of the
female.

10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be
angry or upset.

12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether she wants
him to be calm, angry or upset.

13. Any attempt to document these rules could result in bodily harm.

14. The female always gets the last word!

(*) These rules are subject to change as the female sees fit. All rules are
null and void under the PMS Exception Law