Laughter - Good Medicine

[HisDaughter]

My wife says that I don't have to practice that one.  

  I don't know if I've been there or not....if I have no ones been brave enough to tell me yet!

[Soldier4Christ]

.if I have no ones been brave enough to tell me yet!

 

[HisDaughter]

 

That's right PR.  "Mums the word" 

[Soldier4Christ]

I thought it was grammy not mum. 

[nChrist]

 

I was just thinking that we might have some tough competition on that game, but who could we get to judge it?

AND WORSE, what would we do in case of a tie?

   

[HisDaughter]

I was just thinking that we might have some tough competition on that game, but who could we get to judge it?

AND WORSE, what would we do in case of a tie?

  

Exactly. 

[nChrist]

Collect Call

My mother was away all weekend at a business conference.

During a break, she decided to call home collect. My six-year-old brother picked up the phone and heard a stranger's voice say, "We have a Betty on the line. Will you accept the charges?"

Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, "Dad! They've got Mom! And they want money!"

(Small Print:  The big question is:  will he pay to get her back?)   
_________________________

[HisDaughter]

GOD AND BALANCE

   

     God was missing for six days.  Eventually, Michael,the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.  He inquired, 'Where have you been?'  God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds and said, 'Look, Michael.  Look what I've made.'

    Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, 'What is it?'  'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put life on it.  I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."  "Balance?' inquired Michael, 'I'm still confused.'

    God explained, pointing to different parts of earth.  'For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor.

    Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people.  Balance in all things.'

    God continued pointing to different countries.  'This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.'  The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, 'What's that one?'

    'That's Washington State , the most glorious place on earth.  There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains.  The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world.  They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of software.'

    Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, 'But what about balance, God?  You said there would be balance.'

    God smiled, 'There's another Washington .  Wait till you see the idiots I put there!!

[HisDaughter]

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell
from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was
well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head;
he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the
hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

[HisDaughter]

Why, Why, Why...

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone
believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

 
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes,
why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're goi ng?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

Why do you park in a drive way, and drive on a park way?


And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Note:
(I already know......it's me!)

[HisDaughter]

    The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous,

Of course this is as true a statement as you are likely to come by!

[Soldier4Christ]

Of course this is as true a statement as you are likely to come by!

And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Note:
(I already know......it's me!)

ROFL!

[Shammu]

GOD AND BALANCE

  

    
    Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, 'But what about balance, God?  You said there would be balance.'

    God smiled, 'There's another Washington .  Wait till you see the idiots I put there!!

[HisDaughter]

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
____________________________

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know ... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
_____________________________

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he! Didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

[nChrist]

GOD AND BALANCE

   

     God was missing for six days.  Eventually, Michael,the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.  He inquired, 'Where have you been?'  God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds and said, 'Look, Michael.  Look what I've made.'

    Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, 'What is it?'  'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put life on it.  I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."  "Balance?' inquired Michael, 'I'm still confused.'

    God explained, pointing to different parts of earth.  'For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor.

    Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people.  Balance in all things.'

    God continued pointing to different countries.  'This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.'  The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, 'What's that one?'

    'That's Washington State , the most glorious place on earth.  There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains.  The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world.  They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of software.'

    Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, 'But what about balance, God?  You said there would be balance.'

    God smiled, 'There's another Washington .  Wait till you see the idiots I put there!!

        ROFL!

ESPECIALLY MODESTY!

Both Washingtons are just too small for my tastes. Take for example Oklahoma - Texas is our back yard.