Laughter - Good Medicine

[HisDaughter]

  I didn't tell it at all. I saw my wife doing whatever it is that they do with the cold cream and simply mentioned how pretty she is.

[nChrist]

Hello GrammyLuv,

We've been married for 35 years, so I've had some time to get fairly wise. I've even stopped asking how many channels she can pick up when she's in hair curlers.   

[nChrist]

Computer Help Desk

Heard by the computer help desk:

A customer couldn't get on the Internet:

Helpdesk: "Are you sure you used the right password?"

Customer: "Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it."

Helpdesk: "Can you tell me what the password was?"

Customer: "Five stars."

______

Helpdesk: "What kind of computer do you have?"

Customer: "A white one."

______

Customer: "Hi, this is Rose. I can't get my diskette out."

Helpdesk: "Have you tried pushing the button?"

Customer: "Yes, sure, it's really stuck."

Helpdesk: "That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note."

Customer: "No... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... Sorry..."

______

Helpdesk: "Click on the 'My Computer' icon on to the left of the screen."

Customer: "Your left or my left?"

______

Helpdesk: "Good day. How may I help you?"

Male customer: "Hello, I can't print."

Helpdesk: "Would you click on start for me and..."

Customer: "Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, you know!"

______

Customer: "Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says, 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it."

______

Customer: "I have problems printing in red."

Helpdesk: "Do you have a color printer?"

Customer: "Aaaah... Thank you."

______

Customer: "My keyboard is not working anymore."

Helpdesk: "Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?"

Customer: "No. I can't get behind the computer."

Helpdesk: "Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back."

Customer: "Okay."

Helpdesk: "Did the keyboard come with you?"

Customer: "Yes."

Helpdesk: "That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?"

Customer: "Yes, there's another one here. Ahh, that one works!"

______

Helpdesk: "Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter 'V' as in Victor, and the number '7'."

Customer: "Is that '7' in capital letters?"

______

Helpdesk: "What anti-virus program do you use?"

Customer: "Netscape."

Helpdesk: "That's not an anti-virus program."

Customer: "Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer."

______

Customer: "I have a huge problem. A friend has put a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!"

______

Helpdesk: "How may I help you?"

Customer: "I'm writing my first e-mail."

Helpdesk: "Okay, and what seems to be the problem?"

Customer: "Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?"

[nChrist]

Getting Ready

A man pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and yelled upstairs to his wife, "Honey, are you ready yet? We're going to be late for the costume party."

Shouting back, the woman replies, "For crying out loud, Ed, I've been telling you for the last half hour that I'll be ready in a minute!"

(Small Print: don't reply.)   

[HisDaughter]

Hello GrammyLuv,

We've been married for 35 years, so I've had some time to get fairly wise. I've even stopped asking how many channels she can pick up when she's in hair curlers.  

[HisDaughter]

Computer Help Desk

Heard by the computer help desk:

Customer: "Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says, 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it."

[nChrist]

Husband's Check

Proud and pleased as she could be, the new, young bride, Mrs. Stanford Strothers, strode briskly up to the teller's cage at the bank to cash her husband's pay check for the first time.

When the teller told her the check would have to be endorsed, the bride grabbed the pen and unhesitatingly wrote on the back, "I heartily recommend my husband, Stanford Strothers."

[Shammu]

Husband's Check

Proud and pleased as she could be, the new, young bride, Mrs. Stanford Strothers, strode briskly up to the teller's cage at the bank to cash her husband's pay check for the first time.

When the teller told her the check would have to be endorsed, the bride grabbed the pen and unhesitatingly wrote on the back, "I heartily recommend my husband, Stanford Strothers."

[nChrist]

Control and Escape

The computer company my wife works for distributed a corporate clothing catalogue that included a pair of cuff links. One was inscribed Ctrl (control) and the other Esc (escape), just as they look on a computer keyboard.

"They would make a good present for any man," my wife commented to a colleague, "if only to remind him of the two things he can never have."

[nChrist]

Ever Driven a Honda?

A biker is riding a new motorcycle on the highway. While passing a car, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window, "Yes?"

"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"

"No I haven't"

The biker drives on, until he sees the next car. While passing it, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window: "Yes?"

"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"

"No I haven't"

Then suddenly there is a curve, the biker sees it too late. He crashes off the road into a ditch. A car stops and a man runs to the unlucky biker. Covered in blood, the biker asks, "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"

"Yes I have. I had a Honda for 20 years."

The biker says, "Tell me, where are the brakes?"

(Small Print:  Someone suggested this might be a groaner. I thought it was funny, but I'm in hiding anyway.)

[nChrist]

Classmate Reunion

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

"Yes," he replied.

When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1971. Why?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"

(Small Print:  Could this be one of those jokes they call a groaner?)
____________________________

[HisDaughter]

Classmate Reunion

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

"Yes," he replied.

When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1971. Why?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"

(Small Print:  Could this be one of those jokes they call a groaner?)

Reminds me of a true story!

A couple of years ago, my grandson who was 16 mos. old at the time, came to live with me.  Soon after I got him, I was walking him in his stroller down the street and wondering to myself if people might think that he was my son?  The answer came just another block down the street when a man that was approaching in the opposite direction stopped and said, "You look like a proud Grandma." !!  (Good Grief)

[Shammu]

Don't Talk to the Parrot

 
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.  Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, 'I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check.'

‘Oh, by the way, don't worry about my dog Spike.  He won't bother you.  But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!  I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!'

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen.  But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.  Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, 'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'

To which the parrot replied, 'Get him, Spike!'

[HisDaughter]

Modern Day Prayers

* Lord help me to relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow at 7:41:23 am PST.

* God help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them ARE hypersensitive.

* God help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're usually NOT my fault.

* God, help me to not try to RUN everything. But, if You need some help, please feel free to ASK me!

* Lord, help me to be more laid back, and help me to do it EXACTLY right.

* God help me to take things more seriously, especially laughter, parties, and dancing.

* God give me patience, and I mean right NOW!

* Lord help me not be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that correctly?)

* God, help me to finish everything I sta

* God, help me to keep my mind on one th -- Look, a bird -- ing at a time.

* God help me to do only what I can, and trust you for the rest. And would you mind putting that in writing?

* Lord keep me open to others' ideas, WRONG though they may be.

* Lord help me be less independent, but let me do it my way.

* Lord help me follow established procedures today. On second thought, I'll settle for a few minutes.

* Lord, help me slow down andnotrushthroughwhatIdo.

Amen.
 

[nChrist]