Laughter - Good Medicine

[nChrist]

From British Newspapers

* Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)

* Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

* A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

* At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

* Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler." (Bournemouth Evening Echo)

[nChrist]

Government Work

You know you work for the government when:

The process becomes more important than the product.

You don't see anything wrong with attending a meeting on a subject you know nothing about.

You feel you contributed to the meeting just by being there.

You stop raising issues/problems because you know you will be the one answering them.

You fly first class across the country to attend a conference with 100+ people to discuss the fact that the project does not have enough money.

You work for an acronym, on an acronym, and your job title is an acronym.

You understand the rationalization of an acronym composed of acronyms.

You know that the location of a meeting is directly related to its importance.
(1) A meeting at Fort Hood requires a subordinate or a contractor
(2) The same meeting at Lake Tahoe requires your personal attention

You've sat at the same desk for 3 years, done the same thing for 3 years, but have had 3 different business cards.

[HisDaughter]

Government Work
You've sat at the same desk for 3 years, done the same thing for 3 years, but have had 3 different business cards.

And yet haven't accomplished anything for which we pay you!

[nChrist]

Things Not To Say or Do at a Job Interview

** See photo of interviewer's family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably.

** Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say; 'Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that.'

** Inquire on office policy of friends staying over.

** Claim you wouldn't even need a 'sit-in' job if Al Einstein hadn't stolen your secret patent for '2000 Flushes'

** Over-emphasize your ability to use a copier.

** Ask if it's O.K. that you sit on the floor.

** Allow that you would little impact on the overhead budget, because you swiped all the supplies from your other job.

** Although parking was free, insist that they validate something or you're not leaving.

** Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn't feel like making anything else up.

** Walk into interviewer's office with a tape measure, measure office from a few angles, put away, declare; 'NOW we can begin.'

** Upon walking into the office for first time ask receptionist to hold all your calls.
_______________________________________

[nChrist]

Pet Training

A rolled up newspaper can be an effective pet training tool when used properly.

For instance, use the rolled-up newspaper if your dog chews up something inappropriate or has a housebreaking accident. Bring the dog over to the destroyed object (or mess), then take the rolled-up newspaper and hit yourself over the head as you repeat the phrase, "I forgot to watch my dog! I forgot to watch my dog!"

[nChrist]

Senior Ailments

A group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments: "My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he shook his head.

Then there was a short moment of silence...

"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "At least we can still drive!"
_____________________________

[HisDaughter]

You gotta love Little Johnny

 Little  Johnny's at it again: A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying,'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little  Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by  yourself!'
 
 Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her  face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a  tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'


 The  math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Johnny!  What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN  and the Cartoon Network!'


 Little Johnny's kindergarten class  was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of  the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.  'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'

[nChrist]

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her  face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a  tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'

        ROFL!

I'll have to remember this one for later and see if I'm brave enough to make some sort of comment to my wife. NAW! - After thinking about it, I don't think this is a matter of bravery. It would be silly for me to invite massive retaliation in a no-win situation.   

I just hope that rolling-pin is for making a pie.

[HisDaughter]

       ROFL!

I'll have to remember this one for later and see if I'm brave enough to make some sort of comment to my wife. NAW! - After thinking about it, I don't think this is a matter of bravery. It would be silly for me to invite massive retaliation in a no-win situation.   

I just hope that rolling-pin is for making a pie.

You know what the Bible says about "a fool and his folly"! 

[Soldier4Christ]

I took the safe way out and just told her the joke as it was written here.

[nChrist]

I took the safe way out and just told her the joke as it was written here.

   I didn't tell it at all. I saw my wife doing whatever it is that they do with the cold cream and simply mentioned how pretty she is.

[Soldier4Christ]

I hope you didn't tell her that while the cold cream was still on.   

[nChrist]

I hope you didn't tell her that while the cold cream was still on.   

   YES - I did, but I was very polite and didn't make any comments about war-paint or any other nonsense that would have gotten me in immediate and BIG trouble.

[nChrist]

Helping Sam at Church

Because our former small-town parish was not a wealthy one, our pastor was dependent on parishioners for upkeep and maintenance of the church. Once he asked my husband, Sam, to rewire the confessionals.

The only way to reach the wiring was to enter the attic above the altar and crawl over the ceiling by balancing on the rafters. Concerned for my husband's safety, I waited in a pew. Unbeknownst to me, some parishioners were congregating in the vestibule. They paid little attention to me, probably assuming I was praying.

Worried about my husband, I looked up toward the ceiling and yelled, "Sam, Sam! Are you up there? Did you make it okay?"

There was quite an outburst from the vestibule when Sam's hearty voice echoed down, "Yes, I made it up here just fine!"

[nChrist]

Speeding Excuses

Philadelphia's Highway Patrol officers hear all kinds of creative excuses that drivers give for speeding. Here are some of the officers' favorites. By the way, none of them worked.

A man told the officer he was rushing to the hospital because had been stung by a bee, and was allergic. "There's the bee right there," he said, pointing to his dashboard. The officer looked. The bee was not only dead, but in a advanced state of decomposition.

A man was doing 70 mph on the shoulder of I-95, avoiding the bumper-to-bumper traffic. After a third of a mile, he was stopped by an officer. He jumped out of the car, brushing off his pants, and told the cop he had dropped a cigarette on his lap. "I was looking for a place to park," he explained.

A speeder said that he and his wife were trying to have a baby. "My wife is ovulating," he told the officer. "I have to get home right now."

An officer stopped a man doing 80 mph. When he asked the driver whether he had seen the speed-limit signs, the man responded, "I went by them so fast I probably missed them."

A man going south on I-95 was stopped near Washington Avenue doing 79 mph. "My engine misses, and I'm trying to clean out the carburetor," he told the officer. For good measure, he added, "If I don't go this fast, my car won't go at all."

"I'm due in traffic court," one speeder said. "If I'm late they're going to enforce the bench warrant."

When an officer told a speeder that the speed limit on the Schuylkill Expressway was 50 mph, the driver responded, "Officer, where have you been? It's 65 now."

One speeder said simply, "I'm trying to beat my wife home. Don't ask."

An elderly person was stopped after doing 73 mph. When told he was getting a ticket, he asked the officer, "Is there a senior citizen's discount?"