Laughter - Good Medicine

[nChrist]

       ROFL!  Thanks, I needed that laugh.

[nChrist]

Phone Menu From A Mental Hospital:
 
Hello and thank you for calling The state Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

[Shammu]

So which button are you pushing brother??

[nChrist]

    

We have all of them, so we used 3, 4, 5, and 6. We just never know which one will show up and when.

 
AND, we've already told everyone else that there's only room for the 10 of us.

[islandboy]

I keep pushing 9, but nothing happens, maybe I have forgotten something. I will press it again.   

[Soldier4Christ]

I forgot where I put the buttons so I can't press any of them.

[nChrist]

I forgot where I put the buttons so I can't press any of them.

   I can help you with that - you're using a rotary phone, and it doesn't help to push the numbers through those little round holes.

 

[Soldier4Christ]

I'll ask this question for the kids on here ....  What's a rotary phone??   

Actually I thought I had one of the old crank phones but i couldn't find the crank either. When I asked my family where the crank was they told me to look in a mirror.   

 

[Shammu]

I'll ask this question for the kids on here ....  What's a rotary phone??   

I haven't seen one of them in years.

Actually I thought I had one of the old crank phones but i couldn't find the crank either. When I asked my family where the crank was they told me to look in a mirror.   

 

I agree with your mom and dad...........

[Soldier4Christ]

I agree with your mom and dad...........

That wasn't my mom and dad, it was my wife and kids just a few days ago.   

[Shammu]

That wasn't my mom and dad, it was my wife and kids just a few days ago.   

I still agree

[Shammu]

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, 'Well, we're not having any of that Brokeback-Mountain crud in our garden.'

[Shammu]

Herman and the IRS

The IRS decides to audit Herman and summons him to the IRS office.  The IRS auditor is not surprised when Herman shows up with his attorney.  The auditor says, "Well sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying you win money gambling.  I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it" says Herman.  "How about a demonstration?" The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, Go ahead" Herman says, " I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye"  The auditor thinks  a moment and says "No way!It's a bet"  Herman removes his glass eye and bites it.  The auditor's jaw drops.  Herman says, "Now I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye"

The auditor can tell Herman isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Herman removes his dentures and bites his good eye.  The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Herman's attorney as a witness.  The auditor starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Herman asks.  "Ill bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, never getting a drop anywhere in between." The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Herman stands beside the desk and unzips his pants. Although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastbasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing he has just turned a major loss into a huge win!

Herman's attorney just moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really" says the attorney. "This morning when Herman told me he'd been summoned for an audit...He bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk, and that you'd be happy about it."

[Shammu]

STUPIDITY AWARD

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to the motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.

The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd had in a long time.

[Shammu]

THUNDER AND LIGHTNING

A small child walked daily to and from school. Though the weather one morning was questionable and clouds were forming, this child made the daily trek to the elementary school.

As the day progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning.

The mother was worried that her child would be frightened walking back home from school, and she herself feared the electrical storm might harm her child.

Following the roar of the thunder, lightning would cut through the sky like a flaming sword. Being concerned, the mother got into her car and drove along the route to her child's school. Soon she saw her small child walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up at the sky and smile.

One followed another, each time with her child stopping, looking at the streak of light and smiling. Finally, the mother called and asked, "What are you doing!"

Her child answered, " I'm smiling for God, He keeps taking pictures of me."