Laughter - Good Medicine

[nChrist]

RUN BEPS RUN!!

 

It's too late - I've already been told that I can't run and I can't hide. I knew that I should have left that joke alone.   

[Soldier4Christ]

It's too late - I've already been told that I can't run and I can't hide. I knew that I should have left that joke alone.   

I know that I'm not going anyway nearer than I already have. My running days are over so I'm too easily reached.

[Soldier4Christ]

RETIREMENT . . . THE PERFECT JOB


My first job was working in an orange juice factory,
But I got canned... Couldn't concentrate.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it...
Mainly because it was just a sew-sew job.
Then I tried to be a chef... Figured it would add a little spice to my life,
But I just didn't have the thyme.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory,
But that was too exhausting.


I  got a good job working for a pool maintenance company,
But the work was just too draining.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it,
I just couldn't cut the mustard.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack,
But I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
I was fired from a job at a zoo feeding the giraffes,
Because I just wasn't up to it.
I found a job in a shoe factory;  I tried, but I just didn't fit in.

So then I got a job in a workout center,
But they said I wasn't fit for the job.
I found being an electrician was interesting,
But the work was shocking.
After many years of trying to find steady work,
I finally got a job and tried being a historian,
Until I realized there was no future in it.
I studied a long time to become a doctor,
But I didn't have the patients to finish.
My very best job was being a musician,
But eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I became a professional fisherman,
But discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
As a last resort I took a job working at a coffee shop,
But I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

SO FINALLY I JUST RETIRED,
AND I FOUND THAT I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

[nChrist]

          YEP! - I'm retired and understand.

[airIam2worship]

TRIVIA/INTERESTING FACTS - Part 1

(My Note: I don't think this has been posted. I hope not.)


Your nose and ears never stop growing.

That might be because the rest of the face shrivels up, I never noticed any wrinkles on noses or ears 
By the way have you noticed that men start growing more hair in their noses and ears as they start losing more hair on their head???   

[airIam2worship]

RETIREMENT . . . THE PERFECT JOB

SO FINALLY I JUST RETIRED,
AND I FOUND THAT I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

I'm still trying to figure out if I'm retired or not.
I'm too young to be retired according to SS.

I take surveys and sometimes some of the questions are:

Are you:
1 Unemployed not looking for work?
2 Retired?
3 Employed at home? Without pay?
4 Homemaker?
5 Unemployed?
6 Disabled?


Nowhere does it give me a chance to answer all the above. 

[Soldier4Christ]

 

[Shammu]

A woman goes into Walmart to buy a rod and reel.
She doesn't know which one to get
so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.
There is a Walmart "associate" standing there
with dark shades on.

She says, "Excuse me sir...
can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am I'm blind,
but if you drop it on the counter I can
tell you everything you need to know about it
from the sound it makes."

She didn't believe him,
but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot graphite rod
with Zebco 202 reel and 10-pound test line...
It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00."

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that
just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.
I think it's just what I'm looking for so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register.

In the meantime the woman passes gas.
At first she is embarrassed,
but then realizes there is no way
he could tell it was her, being blind,
he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says,
"That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "Yes Ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00,
the duck call is $3.00 and the catfish bait is $2.50.

[Shammu]

Texas Duck Hunting

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a duck, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence from where the lawyer shot.

As the lawyer started to climb over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him just what the heck he thought he was doin'.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "You just hold on a dadburn minute. This is my property, and thar's no way yur comin' over that thar fence."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own!

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things down here in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Texas Three-Kick' rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Texas Three-Kick Rule'?"

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times, and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, 'till someone gives."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

[Shammu]

THUNDER AND LIGHTNING

A small child walked daily to and from school. Though  the weather one morning was questionable and clouds  were forming, this child made the daily trek to the elementary school.

As the day progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning.

The mother was worried that her child would be frightened walking back home from school, and she herself feared  the electrical storm might harm her child.

Following the roar of the thunder, lightning would cut through the sky like a flaming sword.  Being concerned, the mother got into her car and drove along the route to her child's school.  Soon she saw her small child walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up at the sky and smile.

One followed another, each time with her child stopping, looking at the streak of light and smiling. Finally, the mother called and asked, "What are you doing!"

Her child answered,
" I'm smiling for God, He keeps taking pictures of me."

[Shammu]

TIGHT FIT
   

 Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on?

 He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said,
"Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.

 He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to do. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

 He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She than mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots onto his feet again.

 She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said,

"I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."

[nChrist]

    

I didn't get it. I can't remember which one confused me, but I just wanted to let someone know that I didn't get one of the jokes in this thread.

Can someone explain it for me?

[HimAll4]

  

I didn't get it. I can't remember which one confused me, but I just wanted to let someone know that I didn't get one of the jokes in this thread.

Can someone explain it for me?

Yeah, me either!  It was the Texas Duck Hunting one.  Isn't there more to it?

[nChrist]

SUBJECT: WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING?


A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the  family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply?

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

Send  this page to another woman......Priceless

[islandboy]

A priest and a pastor from local churches were standing by the road, pounding a sign in the ground. the sign said:
The End Is Near
Turn Yourself Around
Before It's To Late!!
As a car sped past them the driver yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts"!. From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. The priest turned to the pastor and asked, "Do you think the sign should just say, Bridge Out" ?