Laughter - Good Medicine

[Shammu]

Cat Laws

Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.

Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the midsection of an unsuspecting, reclining human.

Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Antimatter + It Doesn't Matter.

[Shammu]

High Tech Layoffs

The mass layoffs of employees from dot-com companies has led to a new breed of annoyance on this city's streets: the high-tech panhandler. Up and down Market Street,khaki-wearing youth fresh from the cubicles grub for some change, a latte, a quick Internet hookup, or fresh batteries for their Palm Pilot.

Among the phrases commonly heard on a random walk down Market: "Can I optimize a page for you, sir?...Can I help you benchmark your ebusiness solution?...Sir, can we partner! Hey, Got Java?" "Mamm! Need a coder?..."

With most of the world's HTML now coded, high-tech employees are unable to slow down to fit into the old economy, or don't want to. And many made hasty financial decisions when times were good, putting lots of money into high rents, caffiene fixes and DSL lines. Now they have been forced out of the virtual world, and on to the cement one in force. Some residents are peeved.

"It's annoying," says Tom Reid, an actuary and one of the few people left working here. "They are everywhere. And they really have no skills."

But there is no easy solution to the problem. Even when Reid tried to offer a few quarters, he was unable to meet one high-tech grubsters demand.

"I finally offered fifty cents to one guy, and he was like, 'Could you give me that Cyber Cash? Just beam it to my Visor. Thanks, dude,'"

But panhandlers say they have performed a service to the country and deserve respect.

"I was a Vice President of Technological Consulting for six months" said Fred, 22, a former high tech worker who now sits around a garbage can fire in the Mission area of the city. "I designed three great logos for this company and cleaned out the company cappuccino machine every day. And I was Foozball camp in the office. And now they want me to just put a tie on and do real stuff.

[Shammu]

Top Nine Things Only Women Understand

9. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.
8. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.
7. Crying can be fun.
6. Big clothes
5. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.
4. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.
3. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
2. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND:
1. OTHER WOMEN!
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Lessons in Romance

Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather stupid. But he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them, following their leads.

He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his wife’s cup and said, "Sugar, sugar?" Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining room.

Another table over Joe observed the following. A man spooned out some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked, "Honey, honey?" Again Joe thought this was good stuff.

Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young wife’s eyes and said, "Ham, pig?"

[Shammu]

Rules For Cats To Live By

For those of you who love cats this is for you! For those of you who hate cats... this is for you too!

BATHROOMS - Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

DOORS - Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get the door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

CHAIRS AND RUGS - If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot not manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a human's bare foot.


HAMPERING - If one of your humans is engaged in some activity, and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering." The following are the rules for hampering:

a. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

b. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book unless you can lie across the book itself.

c. When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen, and then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.

WALKING - As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

BEDTIME - Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.

LITTER BOX - When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.

HIDING - Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic ( which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses, and you probably will get a treat.

ONE LAST THOUGHT - Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget their guests.

[Shammu]

I Is a College Student

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.

The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."
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Golf Again

A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.

Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say,we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?" The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.
The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money.
The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings." The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you."

[Shammu]

Worst Fortune Cookie Fortunes

"What, 3 servings of Moo Shoo Pork weren't enough for you, tubby?"

"Your fullness will be short-lived. Like an hour, tops."

"Put all your money and jewelry in the egg roll and nobody gets hurt."

"Today's dog in alley is tomorrow's moo goo gai pan."

"Patron who mocks waiter's accent will unwittingly consume chef's bodily fluids."

"Man who look to stale cookie for advice probably make good busboy. Ask waitress for application."

"Your strength lies in your continued belief that what you just ate was indeed duck."

"Creative Chinese chef without utensils can still find ways to stir soup."
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Seven Stages of the Married Cold

Stage 1: Sugar dumpling, I've really been worried about my baby girl. That's a bad sniffle and there's no telling about these things with all the strep that's going around. I'm going to put you in the hospital for a general check-up and a good rest. I know the food's terrible, but I'm going to bring you dinner every night from Rosini's. I've got it all arranged with the floor supervisor.

Stage 2: Listen, darling, I don't like the sound of that cough. I'm going to call Doc Miller to rush over here. Now you go to bed like a good girl just for papa.

Stage 3: Maybe you'd better lie down, honey. Nothing like a little rest when you feel lousy. I'll bring you something. Have we got any canned soup?

Stage 4: Now look, dear, be sensible. After you've fed the kids and gotten the dishes done and the floor mopped, you'd better lie down for a while.

Stage 5: Why don't you take a couple of aspirins?

Stage 6: Why you'd just gargle or something instead of sitting around barking like a seal all evening!

Stage 7: Would you stop coughing on me?!? Are you trying to give me pneumonia?!?

[Shammu]

Life In The Silicon Valley

Dear Mom,

January 2000

Moved to Silicon Valley for a job.
My salary is 30% higher!
I have stock options!
The temperature outside is 65F in winter!
California is the best place on earth!!!


February

Still looking for an apartment.
Freeways everywhere to take you places.
Still love California!

March

Found a 1 bedroom apartment for $1900/mo.
California is more expensive than I thought.

April

Gas hit $2.29/gal.
Somebody stole the gas from my car.
This sucks....

May

A small earthquake!
And this is what my mother was so worried about?
Almost didn't feel it.

June

A forest fire and a mud slide near LA.
Who cares, that is far away from me!

July

A big earthquake...
Spent 4 hours in my bathtub.
Boy, that was scary.
We had no stinking earthquakes where I came from.

August

Drought! They turn on the water once a day.
Somebody stole the water from my car's radiator.
Why did I come to California?

September

Decided to buy a house.
Found a 2-bedroom fixer- upper for $800K.
Borrowed against my stock options for down payment.
Freeway traffic is worse. Today it took nearly two hours. One way.

October

My startup fired 90% of the work force, including me.
The stock lost 98% of its value.
My options are underwater.

November

Had to sell my house. Couldn't make the payments.
Found a studio apartment for $2300/mo.
Traffic unbearable

December

Problems with electricity.
They turn the electricity off several times a day.
It's called "rolling blackouts."
Who stole my car battery, and what do I do now?

January 2001

I'm typing this, stuck in an elevator, in complete darkness. The battery of my laptop is dying.
Silicon Valley is no more. Angry hordes of former dot-commers are looting in the dark.

It was fun while it lasted.
I'm coming back home.

[Shammu]

Well Meaning Husband

Notes pinned to the pillow of a mother who has the flu by a well meaning husband who has inherited the house and kids.

Monday A.M.
Dearest: Sleep late. Everything under control. Lunches packed. Kids off to school. Menu for dinner planned. Your lunch is on a tray in refrigerator: fruit cup, finger-sandwiches. Thermos of hot tea by bedside. See you around six.

Tuesday A.M.
Honey: Sorry about the egg rack in the refrigerator. Hope you got back to sleep. Did the kids tell you about the Coke I put in the Thermoses? The school might call you on this. Dinner may be a little late. I'm doing your door-to-door canvas for liver research. Your lunch is in refrigerator. Hope you like leftover chili.

Wednesday A.M.
Dear Doris: Why in the name of all that is sane would you put soap powder in the flour canister! If you have time, could you please come up with a likely spot for Chris's missing shoes? We've checked the clothes hamper, garage, back seat of the car and wood box. Did you know the school has a ruling on bedroom slippers? There's some cold pizza for you on a napkin in the oven drawer. Will be late tonight. Driving eight Girl Scouts to tour meatpacking house.

Thursday A.M.
Doris: Don't panic over water in hallway. It crested last night at 9 P.M. Will finish laundry tonight. Please pencil in answers to following:

1. How do you turn on the garbage disposal?

2. How do you turn off the milkman?

3. Why would that rotten kid leave his shoes in his
boots?

4. How do you remove a Confederate flag inked on
the palm of a small boy's hand?

5. What do you do with leftovers when they begin to
snap at you when you open the door?

I don't know what you're having for lunch! Surprise me!

Friday A.M.
Hey: Don't drink from pitcher by the sink. Am trying to restore pink dress shirt to original white. Take heart. Tonight, the ironing will be folded, house cleaned and dinner on time. I called your mother.

[Shammu]

CAT'S COMPUTER DICTIONARY

BROWSER: What I like to be at 3:00 am when I rearrange all your books on your desk. Where's a kitty supposed to lay down with all that mess?

WALLPAPER: My favorite stuff, mostly in the kitchen and bathroom, I use to exercise my claws on.

DEFRAG: Coughing up hairballs. Hey, it's just a little maintenance!

HYPERLINK: Fake hot dog filled with my favorite pick-me-up: cat-nip.

SERVER: My human subject. You can't call them waitress, or waiter, or slave anymore; it's not politically correct.

SHUT DOWN: Nap time - my favorite 16 hours of the day.

LAPTOP: Little ol' me. Certainly cuter, more useful, valuable, and entertaining. and no batteries are required.

DEFAULT: Blame. If something gets broken around the house, don't look at me! It's probably that human I have to share my house with, or the dog's fault!

WINDOW: The best place to watch birds, squirrels, and that weird dog next door eat out of the trash can and chase cars.

HOME PAGE: My papers - newspapers, that is, that I used before graduating to the real kitty litter box. I think they were the "Wanted: DOG" ads.

[nChrist]

          Thanks Brothers - I needed those laughs.

JudgeNot, Brother it's great to have you back. We missed you. By the way, I have one of those shaves, and that's the type of fish that I eat. 

[Shammu]

         Thanks Brothers - I needed those laughs.

JudgeNot, Brother it's great to have you back. We missed you. By the way, I have one of those shaves, and that's the type of fish that I eat. 

                         

[Shammu]

The Parrot and the Chicken


Mary received a parrot as a gift . The parrot was fully grown with a very bad attitude and even worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive; those words that weren't expletives were, to say the least, very rude. Mary tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words to him and playing soft music...anything she could think of. Nothing worked.

She yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. She shook the bird and the bird got madder and more rude. Finally in a moment of desperation, Mary shoved the parrot in the freezer, just to get a minute of peace. She heard the bird swearing and squawking and kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was quiet.

Mary was frightened that she might have actually killed the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Mary's extended arm and said: "I would like to apologize for my language and for my behavior. I am very sorry that I offended you and I ask your forgiveness. I intend to correct this problem immediately and can promise you that from this day forth my behavior will be exemplary."

Mary was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask him if Polly wanted a cracker when the parrot continued, "May I ask, madam, exactly what it was the chicken did?"

[Shammu]

Two Penguins


There were these 2 penguins walking down the road minding their own business and the one penguin looks at the other penguin and says "Hey it looks like you're wearing a tuxedo!!" And the other penguin replies "So what if I am?"
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Old Friends


On a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting that park every sunny day, for over 12 years...chatting, and enjoying each others friendship.

One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says,...."Please don't be angry with me, dear, but I am embarrassed, after all these years...What is your name ? I am trying to remember, but I just can't."

The older friend glares at her at first. Then, looking very distressed, says nothing for 2 full minutes, and finally says, "How soon do you have to know?"
__________________________________________________________________________ ________

Hell Froze Over!


A man died and went to Heaven. After reaching the gates to Heaven the man was talking with Saint Peter and he asked,

"I know I was good during my life, and I really appreciate being brought to Heaven, but I'm really really curious... What does Hell look like?"

Saint Peter lead the man to an elevator and said,

"Take this elevator to the very bottom floor. When the door opens you will see what Hell looks like, but whatever you do, do not get out of the elevator."

After nearly an hour waiting in the elevator the doors opened and the man peered out. Before him was a lifeless frozen wasteland. All the man could see were huge mountains of ice through blankets of snow. Remembering what Saint Peter said, the man quickly pushed the button for the top floor, the doors closed and he traveled back up to Heaven. After returing to Heaven the man asked,

"I thought Hell would be fire and brimestone, but instead all I saw was snow and ice. Is that what it's really like?"

Saint Peter thought about this for a second and finally answered,

"Snow and ice, huh? Maybe Elway's finally gonna win the Super Bowl."

[Shammu]

If Microsoft Made Cars


At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up
with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be riving
twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 mi/gal."

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the
statement. "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

IF MICROSOFT BUILT CARS.....

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to
buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and
you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you
bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun,reliable,
fast, and easy to drive - but could only run on 5 percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to
their cars, which would make their cars run slower.

7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a
single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.

10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what
happened.

[Shammu]

Martha Stewart's Advice to Rednecks


GENERAL

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock is, usually, a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a gotcha63bund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles... even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.