Laughter - Good Medicine

[Shammu]

The Ten Most Common Forms of Office Illness

1. The Macy's One Day Sale Flu.

2. The Drivers License Renewal Appointment 24-Hour Virus.

3. The Friday-Afternoon-Start-The-Weekend-Early Sudden Unbearable Stomach Pains.

4. The I'm Looking for a New Job and I Don't Know How Long It's Going to Take, but I Want To Stay On The Payroll Until Then Mysterious Infection.

5. The My Boyfriend's Got the Week Off So Suddenly I'm Too Contagious To Come In To The Office Disease.

6. The I Need a Hair Cut and My Stylist Doesn't Make Evening Appointments Bout of Influenza.

7. The There's No Federal Holidays for Two Months and I Want a Day Off Sickness.

8. The It's Spring Break and I Want To Pretend I'm a Teenager Again General Ailment.

9. The I've Screwed Up Royally and I Won't Come In To Face the Music Terminal Illness.

10. The I Really Am Sick and I've Got The Doctor's Bills and the Completed Medical Expense Reimbursement Forms to Prove It Infirmity.

[Shammu]

Signs Found In Kitchens


1. Kitchen closed - - this guy has had it!

2. Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!

3. I'm creative; you can't expect me to be neat too!

4. So this isn't Home Sweet Home... Adjust!

5. Ring Bell for Maid Service...If no answer do it yourself!

6. I clean house every other day.... Today is the other day!

7. If you write in the dust, please don't date it!

8. I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!

9. My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!

10. A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.

11. COOK CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!

12. I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.

13. If you don't like my standards of cooking ... lower your standards.

14. You may touch the dust in this house ... but please don't write in it!

15. Apology ... Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse. It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.

16. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.

17. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

18. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

19. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

20. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

21. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

22. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.

23. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.

24. My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.

25. Gardening forever . . . Housework, never!

[airIam2worship]

Alabama Fun

What do a Divorce in Alabama, a Tornado in Kansas and a Hurricane in Florida have in common? Somebody's fixin' to lose them a house trailer.

What do you get when you have 32 Alabamians in the same room? A full set of teeth.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Alabama? Everyone has the same DNA.

Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Alabama burned down? Almost took out the whole trailer park.

A new law was recently passed in Alabama: when a couple gets a divorce, they're still brother and sister.

These are hillarious DW..

[Shammu]

Things only a mother can teach


1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."

2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!"

4. My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, your not going to the store with me."

5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

7. My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

8. My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

10. My Mother taught me about SEX....
"How do you think you got here?"

11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You're just like your father."

12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

14. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE...
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....then you'll see what it's like"

[nChrist]

*Poor Vagabond*

A poor vagabond, traveling a country road in England, tired and hungry, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon."

He knocked gently on the door.

The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window.

"Could ye spare some victuals?" he asked politely.

The woman glanced at his shabby clothes and obviously poor condition. "No!" she said rather sternly.

"Could I just have a pint of ale?"

"No!" she said again.

"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"

"No!" by this time she was fairly shouting.

The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"

"What now?" the woman interrupted impatiently.

"D'ye suppose," he asked, "I might have a word with George?"

[nChrist]

*Office Dog*

A salesman dropped in to see a business customer.  Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets.  The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him.

The dog looked up and said, "Don't be surprised.  This is just part of my job."

"Incredible!" exclaimed the man.  "I can't believe it!  Does your boss know what a prize he has in you?  An animal that can talk!"

"No, no," pleaded the dog.  "Please don't!  If that man finds out I can talk, he'll have me answering the phone too!"

[nChrist]

*Mike's Girlfriend*

After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone number, I dialed him -- and got a woman.

"Is Mike there?" I asked.

"He's in the shower," she responded.

"Please tell him his girlfriend called," I said and hung up.

When he didn't return the call, I dialed again. This time a man answered. "This is Mike," he said.

"You're not my boyfriend!" I exclaimed.

"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."

[nChrist]

*Harmonica Gift*

Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," Little Johnny said to his Uncle Rodney, the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best Christmas present I ever got."

"That's great," said his Uncle Rodney. "Do you know how to play it?"

"Oh, I don't play it," Little Johnny said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night."

[nChrist]

*Winter House*

We purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters.  Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house's lack of insulation.  "If they could live here all those years, so can we!" my husband confidently declared.

One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost.  My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm.  After a rather brief conversation, he hung up.

"For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to Florida for the winter."

[Shammu]

Dear Son,
I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Ma

[Shammu]

This rich person was very faithful about going to church.

His time came about, and he passed on to heaven. Met at the Pearly Gate by St. Peter, he was made to wait. The inquiring mind wanted to know, "Why must I wait, I was faithful about going to church. I was an important person on earth."

St. Peter said, "We are readying your residence."

Off in the distance as far as the eye could see was fabulous mansion after fabulous mansion. St. Peter finally led the person in and started walking past all the beautiful homes, each one more beautiful that the last. Turning a corner, St. Peter said, "This one is yours."

The newcomer asked, "But this is a dilapidated shack. Why do I get this?"

St. Peter replied, "Although you did get rich, this was the best we could do with the money YOU bequeathed us."
================================================================

The new inmate at the mental hospital announced in a loud voice that he was the famous British naval hero, Lord Nelson. This was particularly interesting, because the institution already had a "Lord Nelson." The head psychiatrist, after due consideration, decided to put the two men in the same room, feeling that the similarity of their delusions might prompt an adjustment in each that would help in curing them. It was a calculated risk, of course, for the two men might react violently to one another, but they were introduced and then left alone and no disturbance was heard from the room that night.

The next morning, the doctor had a talk with his new patient and was more than pleasantly surprised when he was told: "Doctor, I've been suffering from a delusion. I know now that I am not Lord Nelson."

"That's wonderful," said the doctor.

"Yes," said the patient, smiling demurely, "I'm Lady Nelson."
===============================================================

What are a typical redneck's three last words?
"Hey, watch this!"
==============================================================

You might be a redneck if you have to go outside to get something from your fridge!
Y'might be a redneck if ya can french kiss yer girlfriend without partin' yer teeth!
You might be a redneck if when you walk the dog you both use the same bush.
You might be a redneck if you think fast food is hitting a deer at 90 MPH.

[Shammu]

Born a Baptist

A Baptist man lived in a traditional Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday, the Catholics were driven crazy because, while they were morosely eating fish, the Baptist was outside barbecuing steaks.

The Catholics worked on the Baptist, attempting to convert him to Catholicism. Finally, after much pleading and some threats, the Catholics succeeded.

They took the Baptist to a priest who sprinkled Holy Water on the man while saying, "Born a Baptist, Raised a Baptist, Now a Catholic!"

The Catholics were ecstatic but this was short-lived for, the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue once again drifted through the neighborhood.

The Catholics all rushed to the ex-Baptist's house to remind him of his new diet.

They found him standing over the cooking steaks, sprinkling water on the meat and saying, "Born a cow, Raised a cow, Now a fish!"
================================================================

Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game (with their habits partially blocking the view ), three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move. In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there." The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns living there."The third guy said,"I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns living there." One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet calm voice said, "Why don't you go to Hell...... there aren't any Nuns living there."

[Soldier4Christ]

 Good Shepherd


Years ago, when our daughters were very young, we'd drop them off at our church's Children's Chapel on Sundays before the service.

One Sunday, just as I was about to open the door to the small chapel, the priest came rushing up in full vestments. He said he had an emergency and asked if I'd speak to the children at their story time. He said the subject was the Twenty-third Psalm.

But just as I was about to get up from the back row and talk about the good shepherd, the priest burst into the room and signaled to me that he would be able to do the story time after all.

He told the children about sheep, that they weren't smart and needed lots of guidance, and that a shepherd's job was to stay close to the sheep, protect them from wild animals and keep them from wandering off and doing dumb things that would get them hurt or killed.

He pointed to the little children in the room and said that they were the sheep and needed lots of guidance.

Then the minister put his hands out to the side, palms up in a dramatic gesture, and with raised eyebrows said to the children, "If you are the sheep then who is the shepherd?" He was pretty obviously indicating himself.

A silence of a few seconds followed. Then a young visitor said, " Jesus, Jesus is the shepherd."

The young priest, obviously caught by surprise, said to the boy, "Well, then, who am I?"

The little boy frowned thoughtfully and then said with a shrug, "I guess you must be a sheep dog."

[Yoyostick]

"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.

"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.

"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.

"That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!"

 

[Shammu]

"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.

"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.

"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.

"That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!"