Laughter - Good Medicine

[Shammu]

Hunting Attorneys


AN ACT to Regulate the Hunting and Harvesting of Attorneys
Adds Section 370.00 to the Fish and Game Code

370.01 Any person with a valid California State Rodent or Snake hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sport (non-commercial) purposes.

370.02 Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait, however, is prohibited unless the attorney is also a judge or other officeholder.

370.03 It is unlawful to shout, "WHIPLASH," "AMBULANCE," "O. J.," "DISCRIMINATION" OR "FREE SCOTCH" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

370.04 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, Mercedes or Porsche dealerships, exept on Wednesday afternoons.

370.05 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, night clubs, hospitals or brothels.

370.06 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside and the vehicle should proceed as rapidly as the traffic laws permit to the nearest car wash.

370.07 It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or aircraft.

370.08 If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess the same.

370.09 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

370.10 Bag Limits per day:
Yellow-bellied sidewinders: 2
Two-faced tortfeasors: 1
Back-stabbing divorce litigators: 3
horn-rimmed cut-throats: 2
Honest attorneys - protected (endangered, possibly extinct species)

[Shammu]

How to Remain Insane at the Workplace


1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if you boss is of a different gender than you.

3) Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names: "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha."

4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

5) Highlight your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.

6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.

7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.

Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.

10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself, engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

12) Put your trash can on your desk and label it: IN.

13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

14) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

15) Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

[Shammu]

How to mess with the IRS


(Internal Revenue Service, an agency of the government to whom Americans pay taxes on their salary)

Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put a row down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the envelopes have to take out any staples in the right side.

Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to remove all your staples rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on the left side).

Line the bottom of your envelope with Elmer's glue and let it dry before you put in your forms, so that the automated opener doesn't open it and the extractor has to open it by hand.

If you're very unfortunate and have to pay taxes use a two or three party check.

On top of paying with a three party check pay one of the dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how small an amount, he has to take it to a special desk and fill out of few nasty forms.

Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received has to be read and stamped regardless of what it is or what its about.

Write your letter on something misshapen and unconventional. Like on the back of a Kroger sack.

When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if its just a single EZ form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differently than regular business size ones. An added bonus to the big envelope is that they take priority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and deal with your mess.

If you send 2 checks they'll have to staple your unsightly envelope to your half destroyed form.

Always put extra paper clips on your forms. Any foreign fasteners or the like have to be removed and put away.

Sign your name in ink on every page. Any signature has to verified and then date stamped.

These are just a few of the fun and exciting things you can do with the man. These methods are only recommended when you owe money.

[Shammu]

An Engineers Day in Hell


An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer,"So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have gotten down there, send him up here."

Satan says,"No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right....and just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"

[Shammu]

The Medical Exam


An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up. He said, "I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what's wrong with me."

"Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor, "Do you drink much?"

"Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a teetotaler. Never touch a drop."

"How about smoking?" asked the doctor.

"Never," replied the man. "Tobacco is bad, and I have strong principles against it."

"Well, uh." asked the doctor, "do you have much sex life?"

"Oh, no," said the man. "Sex is sin. I'm in bed by 10:30 every night and I always have been."

The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked,

"Well, do you have pains in your head?"

"Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head."

"Ah," said the doctor. "That's your trouble. Your halo is on too tight!!

[Shammu]

How to be a good wife


The following is from a 1950's Home Economics textbook intended for High School girls, teaching how to prepare for married life.

1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting.His boring day may need a lift.

3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.

4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.

6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.

7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.

10. The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order here your husband can relax.


Now, The Updated Version for the 90's Woman

1. Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.

2. Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the "LANCOME" counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he belches at the table. (Don't forget to use his credit card!)

3. Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and let her know you'll need her for an extra day this week. Tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.

4. Prepare the children: Drop them off at grandma's!

5. Minimize the noise: When he arrives at home remind him that the washer and garbage disposal are still not working properly and the noise is driving you crazy (but do this in a nice way and greet him with a warm smile...this way he might fix it faster).

6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Simply remind him that the last one home does the cooking and the cleanup.

7. Make him comfortable: Remind him where he can find a warm fuzzy blanket if he's cold. This will really show you care.

8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.

9. Make the evening his: a chance to get the washer and garbage disposal fixed.

10. The Goal: To try to keep things amicable without reminding him that you make more money than he does.

[Shammu]

Ghostly Drive


Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!" The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window. The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"

The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"

The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.

A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again. The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the speedometer says we're doing 80 now." All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.

"There he is again," the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?"

"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked. The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"

They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.

"Oh my God! He's back!" The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"

The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"

[Shammu]

Funny Ways to Order a Pizza


1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask person taking the order to stop doing that.

2. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

3. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

4. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If asked, "Would you like drinks with that?", panic and become disoriented.

5. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

6. Change your accent every three seconds.

7. Rent a pizza.

8. Imitate the order taker's voice.

9. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

10. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza. 

[Shammu]

SANTA CLAUS: An Engineer's Perspective


I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million. At an average rate of 3.5 children per house hold, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.

II. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around one millisecond (1/1000th of a second) to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which we accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second --- 1,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer's top speed is 15 miles per hour.

III. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set, the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Granting that a "flying" reindeer can pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine - Santa need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or seven times the weight of a Queen Elizabeth (the ship).

IV. 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each, i.e. they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4 million pounds of force, instantly crushing and reducing him to a quivering blob of goo.

[nChrist]

AMISH VIRUS:

You have just received the Amish Virus.
Since we do not have electricity nor computers, you are on the honor system.

Please delete all of your files.

Thank thee.   

[Shammu]

Ah, the good old days. Here are some quotes from people in the US during the 1950s.

"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are it's going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20."

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5,000 will only buy a used one."

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging dime just to mail a letter?"

"The Government wants to get its hands on everything. Pretty soon it's going to be impossible to run a family business or farm."

"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 50 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."

"Also, their music drives me wild. This 'Rock Around The Clock' thing is nothing but racket."

"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every movie has a 'hell' or'damn in it."

"Also, it won't be long until couples are sleeping in the same bed in the movies. What is this world coming to?"

"Marilyn Monroe is now showing her bra and panties, so apparently there are no standards anymore."

"Pretty soon you won't be able to buy a good 10 cent cigar."

"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."

"Do you suppose television will ever reach our part of the country?"

"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

[Shammu]

49ers Secret


Barry Switzer, headcoach of Dallas Cowboys, upset about their losing record, decides to find out from Steve Mariucci what his secret is. He even travels to a 49ers practice and asks Mariucci:
"Coach, how is it that your team is so good? What's your secret?"

Mariucci responds by calling Steve Young over. "Steve, who's your father's brother's nephew?"

Young answers, "Why, coach, that's easy. It's me."

Mariucci turns to Switzer and says, "That's the secret, Barry. A smart quarterback. You've got to have a smart quarterback."

Switzer returns to Texas and the Cowboys' practice. he promptly calls over Troy Aikman. "Aikman! Who's your father's brother's nephew?"

Troy looks perplexed, thinks a minute and says, "Coach, can I get back to you after practice on that one?"

Switzer (disgusted) says, "OK."

In the locker room, Aikman calls over Deion Sanders. "Deion, coach just asked me the weirdest question. Who's your father's brother's nephew?"

Sanders responds, "Duh! That's easy. It's me!"

Later, Aikman catches up with Switzer: "Coach, I think I've got it. My father's brother's nephew is Deion Sanders."

Switzer (angry): "No, No, NO! You idiot!! It's Steve Young!"

[Shammu]

Alabama Fun


Did you hear about the New 3 Million Dollar Alabama State Lottery? The winner gets 3 dollars a year for a million years.

What do a Divorce in Alabama, a Tornado in Kansas and a Hurricane in Florida have in common? Somebody's fixin' to lose them a house trailer.

Why do folks from Alabama go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more? 17 and under not admitted.

What do you get when you have 32 Alabamians in the same room? A full set of teeth.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Alabama? Everyone has the same DNA.

Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Alabama burned down? Almost took out the whole trailer park.

A new law was recently passed in Alabama: when a couple gets a divorce, they're still brother and sister.

Two Alabamians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?" "Jus' some chickens." "If I guess how many there are, can I have one?" "I'll give you both of them." "OK. Ummmmm......, five?"

An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!" "OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?" "Well, don't you still have those big red trucks?"

The Alabamian and his gal were embracing passionately in the front seat of the car. "Want to go in the back seat?" she asked. "No," he replied. A few minutes later she asked, "Now do you want to get in the back seat?" "No," he said again, "I wanna stay here in the front seat with you."

[Shammu]

Application to Leave AOL


This form must be filled out in triplicate and e-mailed to all the regs not less than thirty days prior to your intended departure date. Applications will be reviewed the second Tuesday of each week from 1:10-1:15 am. If you are approved for departure (which ain't gonna happen so give it up), you will be notified by e-mail on the second Wednesday of next week.

Part A

Question 1: In no less than 5,000 word explain your reason for desiring to be released from AOL:.

Question 2: What the hell do you think you are gonna do with all the spare time you are gonna have?

Question 3: Do you honestly believe your family likes you enough to talk to you??

Part B
Personal Information

Full Given Name:________________________________
Address_______________________________________
______________________________________________
Daytime phone__________________________________
Work phone____________________________________
Parents phone__________________________________
Neighbors phone________________________________
Strangers phone_________________________________

Age____________ SSN#_____________________
Weight_______________ Height___________________
Mothers Maiden Name_____________________________
Grandmothers Country of Origin_____________________

List Ten Names, Addresses & Phone Numbers of places that you can be reached in case of a  "we miss you" emergency:
(please list the above info in alphabetical order...indicating where you are most likely to be at what time of day)

Fill out this form and email to all known regs for review and opinion
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
This part to be completed by regs, and returned to the silly person requesting to leave us. Make sure you file all the personal info that was given above in case they try to leave us anyway!!

Application Approved: NO_______
Application Denied: YES______

[Shammu]

Why?


Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery?"

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is a boxing ring square?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

Why is it that to stop Windows 95 or 98, you have to click on "Start?"

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?