Laughter - Good Medicine

[Shammu]

Martha Sterwards way versus my way.............

Martha's Way:
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
My Way:
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Martha's Way:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
My Way:
Buy Hungry Jack Mash Potato Mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha's Way:
Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauce and there won't be any stains.
My Way:
Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers.

Martha's Way:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
My Way:
Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

Martha's Way:
If you accidentally over-salt a dish, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt.
My Way:
If you over-salt a dish while you're cooking that's too bad. My motto is: I made it, you will eat it, I don't care how bad it tastes!

Martha's Way:
To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it's fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.
My Way:
Eat, cook or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh.

Martha's Way:
To cure a headache, take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
My Way:
Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore; it is because you are now blind.

Martha's Way:
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze it into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
My Way:
What leftover wine?

Martha's Way:
Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potatoes on the stains and rinse with water.
My Way:
Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the antibacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.

Martha's Way:
Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.
My Way:
Brown sugar is supposed to be soft?

Martha's Way:
Now look what you can do with Alka-Seltzer: To clean a toilet, drop two tablets in, wait 20 min, brush and flush. To remove a stain from a vase or glass cruet, fill with water and drop in 2 tablets. To polish jewelry, drop two Alka-Seltzer tabs into a glass of water and immerse jewelry for two minutes. To clean thermos bottle, fill with water and drop in 4 tabs and let sit for an hour or more (if necessary).
My Way:
Put your jewelry, vases and thermos in the toilet. Add a bottle of Alka-Seltzer tabs and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.

[Shammu]

The Cost Of Raising Children

The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with $160,140 for a middle income family. Talk about sticker shock! That doesn't even touch college tuition.

But $160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down. It translates into $8,896.66 a year, $741.38 a month, or $171.08 a week. That's a mere $24.24 a day! Just over a dollar an hour. Still, you might think the best
financial advice says don't have children if you want to be "rich." It is just the opposite. What do you get for your $160,140?

* Naming rights. First, middle, and last!
* Glimpses of God every day.
* Giggles under the covers every night.
* More love than your heart can hold.
* Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.
* Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies.
* A hand to hold, usually covered with jam.
* A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites, building sandcastles, and skipping down the sidewalk in the pouring rain.
* Someone to laugh yourself silly with no matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed that day. For $160,140, you never have to grow up.
* You get to finger-paint, carve pumpkins, play hide-and-seek, catch lightning bugs, and never stop believing in Santa Claus.
* You have an excuse to keep: reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh, watching Saturday morning cartoons, going to Disney movies, and wishing on stars.
* You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets and collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in clay for Mother's Day, and cards with backward letters for Father's Day.
*For $160,140, there is no greater bang for your buck. You get to be a hero just for retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof, taking the training wheels off the bike, removing a splinter, filling a wading pool, coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and coaching a baseball team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless.
*You get a front row seat to history to witness the first step, first word, first bra, first date, and first time behind the wheel. You get to be immortal.
*You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren.
* You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications, and human sexuality that no college can match.
* In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there with God.
* You have all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever, and love them without limits, so one day they will, like you, love without counting the cost..

[Shammu]

Murphy's Laws of Computing

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen

2 When you get to the point where you really understand your computer,it's obsolete.

3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human....to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

7. He who laughs last, probably made a back-up.

8. If at first you don't succeed, blame your computer.

9. A complex system that does not work is invariable found to have evolved from a simpler system that didn't work either.

10. The number one cause of computer problems is the computer solutions.

11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but never what you want it to do.
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The Blonde Vs The Truck Driver

OK, so there's this blonde driving down the road in her brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 Lamborghini. She's cruisin' about 95, radio blaring, having a great time. She comes up on this trucker who is carrying a double-wide home and is taking up both lanes. To her disliking, he is only going about 45. To get the point across that she wants to get past, she decides to tailgate him. So, she gets to within a foot of his rear bumper. The trucker looks back and sees her on his butt, and motions for her to get off of it, but to her it looks like a wave and she waves back. Since her first attempt was futile, she decided to get a little closer and begin flashing her headlights, hopefully making herself more visible in the process. Once again the trucker sees her on his butt, and this time motions for her to pull over to the side of the road.

The trucker steps out of his vehicle with a chunk of chalk and draws a circle three feet in diameter in the middle of the road. He instructs her not to move until he tells her to. Naive as she was, she agrees to it and steps inside it.

The trucker goes back to his truck and pulls out a 50-ounce Louisville Slugger. He walks over to the Lamborghini and beats it, and beats it, and beats it again. When he is done, all that is left is a brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 pile of metal. Satisfied, he throws the bat in his truck and walks over to the blonde. When he gets there, to his astonishment, she is rolling around on the street laughing hysterically. He asks her, "Why are you laughing? I just beat the crud out of your car!!" She is laughing too hard to respond, but between giggles he can make out, "While you weren't looking I stepped out of the circle!".

[Shammu]

Heartwarming Story

Just before Christmas I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done.

I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot, as I made my way to the car and loaded the car with the gifts I'd bought.

Nearby, I heard someone sobbing. The crying was coming from a thin, poorly dressed boy of about 12. He was wearing only a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill.

Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family of three brothers and four sisters. His father was dead, and his mother had to work two jobs to make ends meet.

Nevertheless, she had managed to scrimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her children Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.

The boy said, "I did."

"And nobody came to help you?" I wondered.

The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head.

"How loud did you scream?" I inquired.

The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"

I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help. So I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.

[Shammu]

Variations On Murphy's Law

1. The Law of Common Sense: Never accept a drink from a urologist.

2. The Law of Reality: Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

3. The Law of Self Sacrifice: When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

4. The Law of Volunteering: If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

5. The Law of Avoiding Oversell: When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

6. The Law of Motivation: Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

7. Boob's Law: You always find something in the last place you look.

8. Wailer's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

9. Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

10. Law of Volunteer Labor: People are always available for work in the past tense.

11. Conway's Law: In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

12. Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets.

13. Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There is always one more bug.

14. Law of Drunkenness: You can't fall off the floor.

15. Heeler's Law: The first myth of management is that it exists.

16. Osborne's Law: Variables won't; constants aren't.

17. Main's Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

18. Weinberg's Second Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

[Shammu]

Avid Golfer

Mike, an avid golfer, was teeing up for a very difficult shot. At that moment a funeral procession went by. Mike stopped, stood still with his hat over his heart, and bowed his head.

His golfing partner looked at him and said, "Mike, that was kind and decent of you to show such respect for the dead."

Mike replied, "Yes, we would have been married twenty-six years come tomorrow."
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Plastic Rubber

An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, "Well, it looks plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber."

Curious, the attorney asked, "What do you have there?"

The drunk replied, "I don't know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

The attorney responded, "Let me take a look."

So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"

The drunk replied, "Out of my nose." 

[Shammu]

Programming Contest


Jesus and Satan have an extended argument as to who is the better computer programmer. Finally, they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin programming. Typing furiously for several hours, they enter lines of code streaming across the screen.

Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest has ended.

God asks Satan to show what he has done. Satan is visibly upset and cries, "I have done nothing! The power outage destroyed all of my work!"

"Very well, then," says God, "let us see how Jesus fared." Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid displays of 3-D color. The voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.

Satan is stunned and stutters, "But how?! How did he do that?!"

God chuckles, "Jesus Saves!"

[Shammu]

Three Engineers

There are 3 engineers in a car: An electrical Engineer, a Chemical Engineer, and a Microsoft Engineer. They all look at each other wondering what could have gone wrong with the car.

The Electrical Engineer suggests that it might help to strip down all the electrics of the car, as that might pin point where the problem has arisen.

The Chemical Engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and that there is a blockage somewhere.

And then the Microsoft Engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion. "Why don't we all close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again and then it'll work."
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The Creation of the Cat

On the first day of creation, God created the cat.

On the second day, God created man to serve the cat.

On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the cat.

On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might or might not play with it.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and the man broke.

On the seventh day, God rested, but he satan scoop the litterbox

[Shammu]

Microsoft's New TV Dinner

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes:

mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat

Then enter:

ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.

If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner found on the package label, the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter:

ms.nodamn.good/tryagainagain/again.crap

This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after 2001. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

[Shammu]

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOU & YOUR BOSS

When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being cooperative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

[Soldier4Christ]

101 of the World's Funniest One Liners

1. Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
2. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
3. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
4. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
5. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
6. Never answer an anonymous letter.
7. It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better.
8. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
9. Always go to other people�s funerals, or they won�t go to yours.
10. Few women admit their age; few men act it.
11. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
12. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
13. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
14. We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16. Campers: Nature�s way of feeding mosquitoes.
17. Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
18. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
19. There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
20. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
21. Nuke the Whales.
22. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
24. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
25. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
26. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
27. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
28. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
29. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
30. You can't have everything; where would you put it?
31. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
32. Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

[Soldier4Christ]

33. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
34. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
35. DNA: National Dyslexic Association.
36. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
37. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
38. Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
39. DARE to keep cops off donuts.
40. Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
41. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
42. Dyslexics of the world, untie!
43. God made mankind. Sin made him evil.
44. I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
45. I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
46. Don't steal. The government hates competition.
47. Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
48. National Atheist's Day April 1st.
49. All generalizations are false.
50. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
51. Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
52. If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
53. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
54. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got.
55. I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
56. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
57. I can handle pain until it hurts.
58. No matter where you go, you're there.
59. If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
60. It's been Monday all week.
61. Gravity always gets me down.
62. This statement is false.
63. Eschew obfuscation.
64. They told me I was gullible...and I believed them.
65. It's bad luck to be superstitious.
66. According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
67. The word �gullible� isn�t in the dictionary.
68. Honk if you like peace and quiet.
69. The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG! it happened.
70. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
71. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
72. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
73. A day without sunshine is like, night.
74. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
75. Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
76. Gravity- It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
77. Life is too complicated in the morning.
78. We are all part of the ultimate statistic�ten out of ten die.
79. Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.
80. Ask me about my vow of silence.
81. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
82. The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do.
83. Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
84. If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.
85. If at first you don�t succeed, don�t try skydiving.
86. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
87. Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
88. I intend to live forever. So far so good.
89. Who is "General Failure" and why is he reading my hard disk?
90. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
91. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
92. Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
93. I didn�t use to finish sentences, but now I
94. I�ve had amnesia as long as I can remember.
95. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
96. Vacation begins when Dad says, "I know a short cut."
97. Evolution: True science fiction.
98. What's another word for Thesaurus?
99. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
100. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
101. I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out.

[Symphony]

What's the difference between God and doctors?



God doesn't think he's a doctor.



(drum roll, cymbal crash...)

[nChrist]

Hello Symphony,

             I don't get it.




(Small Print:  I'll find a groaner for you.)

[Shammu]

What's the difference between God and doctors?



God doesn't think he's a doctor.



(drum roll, cymbal crash...)

AMEN brother