Laughter - Good Medicine

[Shammu]

You Need Pet Foil Hat Technology

Do you believe Bush was behind 9/11, had Paul Wellstone murdered, and suspect that W. is going to throw all the liberals in deathcamps one day? If so, you're a member of the "tinfoil hat crowd"! But, while your head may be covered with a glorious, aluminum, stetson that will keep out the mind control rays from the "Ashcroft 1 satellite" circling over your house in space, what about your pet? You never thought of that one, did you smart guy? Remember when kitty threw-up on the rug? Bush was probably making her do that with a mind control ray because he wanted to provide a distraction from Haliburton or Enron! Sure that SEEMS implausible...so implausible that it must be THE TRUTH!!!

But, what can you do? There's no way to stop the Bush family empire from using their mind control ray on your pet...or IS THERE? Thanks to duckbay, now your precious pet can be protected! That's right, let me introduce you to the hottest new product for all of the Dennis Kucinich supporters out there, "Pet Foil Hat Technology"

"Technical Jargon:"

This ultra modern aluminum foil hat will protect your pet from the brain scanning rays of the NSA, certain 'auction' websites, fbi.com, and CIA satellites that are monitoring their little subversive thoughts. You may not have considered this before, but your lead lined hat is worthless if your pet can give away your secrets to the very people most dangerous to you - your government!

The PFHT contains space age materials, and is guaranteed to work for your pet. All government I/O is cut off. It's like a firewall for your pet's brain.

PFHT" will not disappoint anyone who doesn't want to get noticed by the ever watchful FBI.com!

Features of this product:

- 100% effective at stopping the government from reading your pet's brain.
- Blocks the CIA brain scans.
- Scrambles the NSA brain scans.
- Poaches the FBI.com brain scans.
- Bakes potatoes when placed around a potato in a hot oven.
- Works as a Valentine's Day gift for your pet!

Use "The Hat" only as recommended:

- Pet Rocks do not need the PFHT since they are immune to brain scans, because they lack brains. That, and you'll confuse the poor pet rock.
- This particular model Foil Hat Technology is good underwater on your fish, or outdoors in the rain.
- Do not attempt to tamper with the PFHT. It has built in "anti-authority" technology which will make it burst into flames upon close inspection by authorities. Please do not put the PFHT in the microwave.
- One size fits all pets, thanks to the adjustable "sizing fold". Do not attempt to adjust the size of your pet's head to fit the PFHT."

Buy them now, before they sell out and the Ashcroft 1 satellite makes kitty pee all over your autographed copy of "'Earth in the Balance'! On the other hand, maybe you could just chuck your stupid cat and get a loyal, lovable, dog, who would never betray you even if he were being influenced with a mind control ray.

I found this while looking for some other information. There is a website selling this..............

[nChrist]

             ROFL - Dreamweaver, this one wins the prize.  THANKS! - If they run out, maybe I can repackage and finally sell my meteor helmets.

   

[Shammu]

The Toddler Diet

People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet.

Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck !!!

DAY ONE

Breakfast:
One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.

Lunch:
Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner:
A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite.

Bedtime snack:
Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO

Breakfast:
Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch:
Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon snack:
Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.

Dinner:
A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.

DAY THREE

Breakfast:
Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair.

Lunch:
Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dinner:
Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.

FINAL DAY

Breakfast:
A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.

Lunch:
Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner:
Drop pieces of spaghetti onto back of dog, insert meatball into ear. Dump pudding into Kool-aid and suck up with a straw.

REPEAT DAYS AS NEEDED

[Shammu]

Small Town Justice

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man said, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet!!!" snapped the officer. "...or I'm going to let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back."

"But officer, I just wanted to say...."

"And I said KEEP QUIET! Now you're going to jail!"

A few hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. he'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," said the man in the cell. "I'm the groom!"
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Leftovers


Three wives were bemoaning their husbands' attitudes towards leftovers.

"It's rough," one said. "My husband is a movie producer and he calls them reruns."

"You think you have it bad," the second wife piped up. "Mine is a quality control engineer and he calls them rejects."

"That's nothing compared to me," said the third woman. "My husband is a mortician. He calls them remains!"
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Light Bulb

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One.

Only ONE!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out.

And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS!

But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!

AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID !#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!

WHY? BECAUSE NO-ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!

IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12' DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS HOUSE!

. . . . . . . . I'm sorry. . . what did you ask me?

[Shammu]

Reasons To Be A Single Man

Cooking my own meals would be an adventure, not a punishment.

I wouldn't have to explain why I'm wearing "that" shirt with "those" pants.

I could leave the toilet seat in any position I please.

I could actually tell the bartender, "If anyone calls, I'm here".

I'd be painting the town instead of the house.

When I get home after work, I don't have to start work again.

I could show my girlfriend where I live.

I'd be driving a Porshe instead of a minivan.

I would have saved $372,416.21 in groceries by now.

I wouldn't catch so much grief about those skid-marks in my underwear!

I'd get to see what my paycheck looks like.

I'd get to see what my credit cards look like.

You can see a different face when you wake up in the morning, every day of the week!

Bachelors don't have Mother-in-laws.

I wouldn't have to watch sub-titled French films.

I could come home drunk to sleep, instead of under a bridge.

I could use my own name at hotels.

I wouldn't have a driving instructor grading me every time I go somewhere.

[Shammu]

What would have been different if Bill Gates was a redneck?


1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders.

2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle .

3. Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with a heftybag.

4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of Ahh-ight or Naaaaa.

5. Instead of ta-da the opening sound would be dueling banjos.

6. The Recycle Bin in Winders'95 would be an outhouse .

7. Whenever you pulled up the sound player you'd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling Freebird!

8. Instead of Start Me Up the Winders'95 theme song would be Achy-Braky Heart.

9. PowerPoint would be named ParPawnt.

10. Microsoft's programming tools would be Vishul Basic and Bishul C++.

11. Winders'95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag .

12. Microsoft Word would be just that: one word.

13. New Shutdown wav: Y'all come back now, Yah hear?

14. Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz" .

15. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am .

16. Microsoft Office replaced with Micrasawft Henhouse.

17. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver.

18. Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire .

19. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor Pull Simulator.

20. Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates.

21. Instead of asking "where do you want to go today?" It's more like "Hey mister, can I ketch a ride in the back?"

[Shammu]

Roses


Jack stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for his wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, Chris burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.
"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch."
Chris desperately turned to Jack and begged, "May I please have those roses?"
"What happened?" Jack asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary or something?"
"It's even worse than that," Chris confided. "I broke my wife's hard drive!"

[Shammu]

Rules for Dogs Who have a Yard to Protect


Newspapers: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.

Visitors: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.

Barking: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark---a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark ...

Licking: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.

Holes: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll hink it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

Doors: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.

The Art of Sniffing: Humans like to be sniffed. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.

Dining Etiquette: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.

Housebreaking: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.

Going for Walks: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your human, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

Couches: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.

Playing: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.

Chasing Cats: When chasing cats, make sure you never --- quite ---catch them. It spoils all the fun.

Chewing: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. ...Eat a shoe

[Shammu]

Melting


Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge.

The first prince brought a sword of the finest steel.

But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds.

He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my shirt pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.

She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.

And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?

(Scroll down for the answer)


V

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M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

[Shammu]

The White Gorilla


A man reads in the paper of a white gorilla in a zoo far away. He decides that he just must see it. The journey will be a long and arduous one but he simply cannot resist.

He sets out on his trip and travels by car to the docks, and catches a boat across a huge ocean. After weeks of sea travel he arrives at the other side and takes a train to the zoo.

When he sees the white gorilla he can't believe this eyes, it's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. He simply must get a closer look, so he goes to the zoo manager and begs to be allowed into the gorilla's cage.

After much arguing the man finally persuades the manager to let him in to the gorilla's cage, but before he does he tells the man that what ever he does he must not under any circumstances touch the white gorilla.

The man agrees and is led to the cage.

He tip-toes into the cage and is amazed, the gorilla is even more beautiful close up than it was from a distance. The white gorilla just sits quietly and looks at the man. After a while the man is getting used to being so close to the gorilla and it seems so peaceful and calm that he starts to think that there can't be any harm in touching the gorilla. He slowly moves closer and closer to it, all the time the white gorilla just looks calmly at him. He reaches out his arm and gently touches the gorilla.

Just as his arm makes contact the gorilla jumps up and starts roaring. The man turns and runs to the exit, getting there just before the gorilla. He leaps through the door and the keepers slam the door just in time.

The gorilla, pulls at the door and to the mans horror the bars start to bend. The man runs out of the zoo and to the train station and jumps on the train, which as luck would have it is just leaving. He glances back and can see the gorilla chasing after the train, but not gaining on it.

The train arrives at the docks and the man quickly scampers aboard the boat. The boat leaves and the man thinks he's safe at last. He relaxes and starts to enjoy the leisurely cruise back across the ocean. The day they're due back in port he's walking on deck when he sees a small shape in the water trailing behind the boat. He can't make it out so he borrows a pair of binoculars from someone.

He focuses the binoculars on the small shape and is horrified to discover that it's the white gorilla, swimming behind the boat. It must have been there all along.

The boat then arrives in port and the man hurries through customs and rushes to his car. He drives off just in time to see the gorilla climbing out of the ocean from his rear view mirror. He drives as fast as he can to his house and runs in locking the door behind him. All the time being followed be the huge white gorilla.

The gorilla starts pounding on the door and having seen what it did to the cage at the zoo the man knows it won't take it very long to get in. He runs from room to room trying to think of a place he can hide.

He hears the door shatter and dives into a wardrobe and pulls the door closed behind him. Outside the gorilla is going mad trying to find the man, he's ripping things up and tearing out doors. Finally he comes to the wardrobe the man is hiding in and rips the door off. The gorilla sees the man and smiles, reaches out a massive hand and gently touches the man and says:

"Tag, you're it!!!"

[JudgeNot]

After forty years of shaving himself every morning, a man in a small 
Southern town decided he had enough. He told his wife that he intended to let the local barber shave him from now on.
 
He went to the shop, which was owned by the pastor of their Baptist church.  The barber's wife, Grace, was working that day so she performed the task.
 
Grace shaved him, sprayed him with lilac water and said "That will be $20." The man thought it a bit high, but paid the bill and went to work.
 
The next morning he looked in the mirror and his face was as smooth as it had been when he left the barbershop the day before. "Not bad," he thought. "At least I don't need to get a shave every day.
 
The next morning the man's face was still smooth. Two weeks later, still smooth. It was more than he could take, so he returned to the barbershop.
 
I thought $20 was high for a shave" he told the Baptist barber/preacher's wife "But you must have done a great job. It's been two weeks and my whiskers still haven't grown back."
 
"Of course they haven't" she replied.
 
"You were shaved by Grace. Once shaved, always shaved."

[JudgeNot]

ONCE A BAPTIST - ALWAYS A BAPTIST 
 
John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood.  On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a bigjuicy steak on his grill. 
 
Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. 
This went on each Friday of Lent.  On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. 
 
They decided to try and convert John to bea Catholic.  They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. 
 
They took him to church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are Catholic." 
 
The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.
 
The next year's Lenten season rolled around.  The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was sitting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. 
 
The neighborhood men could not believe their noses!  WHAT WAS GOING ON? 

They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent? 
 
The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water.  He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."

[Shammu]

Those are some good ones brother!!

[Shammu]

Three sons

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.

Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third said, "You remember how Mom enjoys reading the Bible. Now she can't see very well. So, I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him, he's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks....

"Milton," she said, "the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He's a pain!"

"And my dearest, Donald," she said, "the chicken was delicious!"

[Shammu]

Cinderella?

One evening a man drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

Later that night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car. With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat.

"Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"