Laughter - Good Medicine

[Shammu]

New and Improved IRS Form 1040-2EZ


Tax Year 2005:

Name:
Address:
City:
State:
Zip:

Social Security Number:___-__-____

1. How much money did you make in 2005?
$_____________

2. Send it to us:
Internal Revenue Service Payment Processing Center

[Shammu]

The Silent Treatment


A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

The next week, the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (AND LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

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Future Daughter In Law


A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try to guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch. They all chat for a while.

He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?" asks the son.

"I don't like her." says the mother.

[Shammu]

The Evolution of Parenting


Being a parent changes everything. But being a parent also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child is different from having your first.

Your Clothes
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette
1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Pacifier
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every 2 to 3 hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Activities
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

[Shammu]

Baby Skunk


A family was travelling on vacation when they came across a petting zoo. The children asked if they could stop, and the parents said okay.

At the zoo, they saw and touched many animals and had a great time. While driving to their next vacation stop the father noticed the kids playing with something. He asked, "What have you kids got back there?"

The children then produced a very cute baby skunk. The father was horrified because he realized that they had taken this skunk from the zoo. To teach his kids a lesson he told them that if they got caught they could go to jail for this. While he was reprimanding his children he hadn't noticed that he was speeding and had just gone through a speed trap. When the police car came after him he thought that they must have found out about the skunk and that was why they were stopping him. He told the kids to keep quiet and give the skunk to their mother. He then told her to hide the skunk.

She said, "Where am I going to hide it?"

The father said to put it under her dress and hold it between her legs until the police left.

She said, "But it stinks!"

The father replied, "Well, can't you just hold his little nose?"
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Don't Talk To The Bird


Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman. He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the cheque. By the way, don't worry about my Doberman. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do... do NOT under any circumstances talk to my parrot!"
When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Doberman he had ever seen. But, just as she said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied: "Get him, Spike."

[Shammu]

This is for sister Terri, "aka" Talkercat.

You know you're a Cat person if
clean

... you refer to going to the bathroom as "using the litterbox."
... you do not consider an outfit complete without some cat hair.
... you consider cat hair in your food as extra fiber.
... you apologize when you step on a fuzzy cat toy in the dark.
... you snap your fingers and pat the sofa beside you to invite your guests to sit down.
... you sleep on one edge of the bed because the cat is sleeping in the middle looking soooo cute!
... you accidentally put your child's dinner plate on the floor.
... you spend more money on toys for your cats than on the kids or grandkids.
... you decorate your Christmas tree with dangly cat toys.
... your neighbors refer to you as "the crazy one with all the cats."
... you have more pictures of your cats than your kids in your wallet.
... you refer to your cat as your furry child.
... your parents wind up with a four-footed, furry "grandchild."
... you plan your vacation around the cat show schedule.
... you accidentally call your spouse by your cat's name!
... you set a place at the dinner table for your cat.
... you have a set of towels with "His" "Hers" and "Kitty's."
... you call home and leave a message on the answering machine for your cat.
... you have the cat meow on the outgoing message of the answering machine.
... you and kitty have matching outfits.
... your spouse says, "Me or the cat!," and there's no hesitation.
... you never go to the door unless it's to let a cat out.
... your favorite friends have fleas.
... you chose a house to buy based on it having a good location for the catbox.
... you think cat fur makes a wonderful garnish to any meal.
... you own 17 varieties of kitty-nail-clippers.
... you are lost for conversation with non-cat people.
... you meow so well, you confuse the cats.
... you bore the neighbors with discussions on the exact nutritional differences between 9-Lives and Amore... at length.

[nChrist]

      Here's a groaner for everyone.
_______________________________

Bubba Got A Hang Glider


In Georgia, you don't see too many people hang-gliding.

Bubba decided to save up and get a hang glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge.

Into the wind he goes!

Meanwhile, Maw and Pa Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin' bout the good ol' days when Maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen!

"Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims.

Paw raises up, "Git my gun, Maw."

She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun.

He takes careful aim. BANG!  BANG!  BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.

"I think ya missed him, Paw." she says.

"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!"

[Soldier4Christ]

Bubba should have stayed with Jethro and the wheelbarrow.   

[Soldier4Christ]

 In A Perfect World


   1. A person should feel as good at 50 as he did at 17 and he would actually be as smart at 50 as he thought he was at 17.

   2. You could give away a baby bed without getting pregnant.

   3. Forget-me-nots would stimulate the memory.

   4. Doing what was good for you would be what you enjoyed doing the most.

   5. Pro baseball players would complain about teachers being paid contracts  worth millions of dollars.

   6. People always have good reasons to be optimistic.

   7. You would never fumble, but if you did, you would recover the ball yourself

   8. The mail would always be early, the check would always be in the mail, and it would be written for more than you expected.

   9. Potato chips might have calories, but if you ate them with a dip, the calories would be neutralized.

  10. If the guy from the government said to you, "I'm here to help," not only  would he mean it, but also he'd do it.

  11. First impressions wouldn't count for nearly as much as ultimate performance. Winning might be a nice thing, but that would be about all.

  12. All people could expect to be accepted.

  13. Every once in a while at least, a kid who always closed the door softly  would be told, "Go back and slam the door."

  14. Highway patrolmen would never be around when you're running late, but  would always be at your side when a BMW blows past or a Mac truck won't get off your bumper.

  15. The better food tasted, the less calories it would have.

  16. Warranties would be for 13 months and products would fail at 12.

  17. More would be accomplished by governments when they spent more.

[Soldier4Christ]

 Military Words Of Wisdom


   1. "Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

   2. "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. - U.S. Marine Corps

   3. "Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are Guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF Ammo Troop

   4. "If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

   5. "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just Bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

   6. "Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never Encountered automatic weapons." - General MaCarthur

   7. "Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal

   8. "You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

   9. "Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

  10. "Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

  11. "Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever Volunteer To do anything." - U.S. Navy Swabbie

  12. "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth

  13. "If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal

  14. "No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay

  15. "Any ship can be a minesweeper ... Once." - Anonymous

  16. "Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit

  17. "Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies

  18. "If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop

  19. "Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan

  20. "You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

  21. "The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

  22. "Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than Submarines in the sky." - From an old carrier sailor

  23. "If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a Helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."

  24. "When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough Power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

  25. "Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying Club."

  26. "What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... The pilot Dies."

  27. "Never trade luck for skill."

  28. "Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."

  29. "A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a Row Is prevarication."

  30. "Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"

  31. "Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the Purpose of storing dead batteries."

  32. "Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a Person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about It."

  33. Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems Inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the Vicinity As slow and gently as possible."

  34. "The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely Kill You." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

  35. "A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to Its Maximum." - Jon McBride, astronaut

  36. "Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."

  37. "There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970

  38. Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go Near The edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."

[Soldier4Christ]

 Mom's Dictionary

   1. AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets.

   2. ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.

   3. APPLE: Nutritious lunch-time dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.

   4. BABY: 1) Dad, when he gets a cold. 2) Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.

   5. BATHROOM: a room used by the entire family, believed by all (except Mom) to be self-cleaning.

   6. "BECAUSE": Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.

   7. BED AND BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.

   8. CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.

   9. CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest, with the biggest bunch of kids, who have had the most sugar.

  10. CHINA: Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love leftover vegetables.

  11. COOK: 1) Act of preparing food for consumption. 2) Mom's other name.

  12. COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.

  13. DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.

  14. DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.

  15. DUST: Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.

  16. DUST RAGS: See "DAD'S UNDERWEAR."

  17. EAR: A place where kids store dirt.

  18. EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.

  19. EMPTY NEST: See "WISHFUL THINKING."

  20. ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.

  21. "EXCUSE ME": One of Mom's favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.

  22. EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be "put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.

  23. FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

  24. FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question "What's for dinner tonight?" See "SARCASM"

  25. FROZEN: 1) A type of food. 2) How hell will be when Mom lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle.

  26. GARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.

  27. GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom's kids.

  28. GUM: Adhesive for the hair.

  29. HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.

  30. HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.

  31. HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.

  32. HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.

  33. HOMEMADE BREAD: An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece.

  34. ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.

  35. INSIDE: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.

  36. "I SAID SO": Reason enough, according to Mom.

  37. JACKPOT: When all the kids stay at friends' homes for the night.

  38. JEANS: Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals.

  39. JOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids.

  40. JUNK: Dad's stuff.

  41. KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.

  42. KISS: Mom medicine.

  43. LAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so.

  more to follow

[Soldier4Christ]

44. LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.

  45. LIE: An "exaggeration" Mom uses to transform her child's papier-mache volcano science project into a Nobel Prize-winning experiment and a full-ride scholarship to Harvard.

  46. LOSERS: See "Kids' Friends"

  47. MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush, etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."

  48. MAYBE: No.

  49. MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.

  50. "MOMMMMMM!": The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.

  51. MUSH: 1) What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food. 2) Main element of Mom's favorite movies.

  52. NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing

  53. PANIC: What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up swing stops.

  54. OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.

  55. OPEN: The position of children's mouths when they eat in front of company.

  56. OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.

  57. PENITENTIARY: Where children who don't eat their vegetables or clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.

  58. PETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have someone else to clean up after.

  59. PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will refuse to play in front of company.

  60. PURSE: A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can never find because they're buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated coupons.

  61. QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.

  62. RAINCOAT: Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm, rendered ineffective because it's in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a book bag or because the child refuses to wear "the geeky thing."

  63. REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen

  64. ROOM MOTHER: A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on a mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting.

  65. SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching offspring stumble through coarse reenactments of famous historic events.

  66. SCREAMING: Home P.A. system.

  67. SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from the cold and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.

  68. SOAP: A cleaning agent Mom puts on the sink on the off-chance one of her kids will accidentally grab it while reaching for the towel.

  69. SPIT: All-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids' faces.

  70. SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma.

  71. SWEATER: Magically charmed article of clothing that can ward away colds, flu and even pneumonia.

  72. SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children's clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.

  73. TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and that person who has yet to understand her child's "special needs."

  74. TERRIBLE TWO'S: Having both kids at home all summer.

  75. "THAT WAY": How kids shouldn't look at moms if they know what's good for them. Also applies to how they talk.

  76. TOWELS: See "FLOOR COVERINGS"

  77. TRAMP: A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.

  78. TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.

  79. UMPTEENTH: Highly conservative estimate of the number of times Mom must instruct her offspring to do something before it actually gets done.

  80. UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.

  81. UTOPIA: See "BUBBLE BATH"

  82. VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too.

  83. VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be "Just like Daddy."

  84. WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room

  85. WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum

  86. "WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME": Standard measurement of time between crime and punishment.

  87. XOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.

  88. XYLOPHONE: Small toy musical instrument often given as gifts to children who show their appreciation by playing the stupid thing constantly, over and over, all day long! See also "DRUMS"

  89. YARD SALE: Heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mom plans to sell kid's outdated toys and clothing that she decides at the last minute are treasured mementos she can't bear to part with.

  90. "YIPPEE!": What Mom would jump up and shout if the school year was changed to 12 months. See also "YAHOO!"

  91. ZILLION: Amount of times Mom must have gone to the supermarket already this week.

  92. ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed - before kids refuse to eat it.

[Shammu]

Bubba should have stayed with Jethro and the wheelbarrow.   

Now thats funny........................ wheelbarrow races.......................

[Soldier4Christ]

Now thats funny........................ wheelbarrow races.......................

You ever that old saying .....  Jethro put down that there wheelbarrow, You dun't know how to use the new fangled thang.

[Shammu]

You ever that old saying .....  Jethro put down that there wheelbarrow, You dun't know how to use the new fangled thang.

Nope, I guess I ain't old enough..............

[Shammu]

 INNER STRENGTH

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then you are probably a dog.
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More Cat rules

"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this."

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow."

"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."

"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."

"One cat just leads to another."

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later."

"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia."

"People who hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life."

"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior

"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats."

"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart."

"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."

"Time spent with cats is never wasted."

"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you mean"

"Cats aren't clean, they're covered with cat spit."